End Of The Line
I drove the train...27 total reviews
Comment from Bethany Knaff
Such an interesting perspective to take on such a controversial, heavy topic. It adds humanity to the antagonist, which highlights the hardships of a position not talked about enough. The nite of the American soldier at the end also does well countering and highlighting that hardship
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Such an interesting perspective to take on such a controversial, heavy topic. It adds humanity to the antagonist, which highlights the hardships of a position not talked about enough. The nite of the American soldier at the end also does well countering and highlighting that hardship
Comment Written 14-Sep-2024
Comment from lancellot
Hmm, yes, while your main character is 'in' or this took place during a war, it really isn't about the war itself, as much as it is about the human suffering of the Jewish people told my one German's POV. The account is well written from a certain POV.
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Hmm, yes, while your main character is 'in' or this took place during a war, it really isn't about the war itself, as much as it is about the human suffering of the Jewish people told my one German's POV. The account is well written from a certain POV.
Comment Written 13-Sep-2024
Comment from Pam Lonsdale
I'm not sure how you did it, but I really appreciate that Deutsche Reichsbahn was something we could click on in order to find out more information on it. I've not seen that done on FanStory before.
A suggestion:
I had brought so many to their doom and got well paid for it. (I would say "was well paid for it")
The train pulled by the extermination chambers. (pulled alongside the extermination chambers)
These are only suggestions; I thought the changes made the text clearer.
Other than that, this really is worthy of a six, and I'm sorry that I don't have one. It was gripping - and heartbreaking - from the beginning. And the ending . . . is that not what happens in every war? We are placed in a situation where our moral compass leads us in a different direction than the given path of war. Even for that American soldier; what was the right thing to do in the eyes of God?
A very good submission for this contest, and I wish you the best.
xo
Pam
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I'm not sure how you did it, but I really appreciate that Deutsche Reichsbahn was something we could click on in order to find out more information on it. I've not seen that done on FanStory before.
A suggestion:
I had brought so many to their doom and got well paid for it. (I would say "was well paid for it")
The train pulled by the extermination chambers. (pulled alongside the extermination chambers)
These are only suggestions; I thought the changes made the text clearer.
Other than that, this really is worthy of a six, and I'm sorry that I don't have one. It was gripping - and heartbreaking - from the beginning. And the ending . . . is that not what happens in every war? We are placed in a situation where our moral compass leads us in a different direction than the given path of war. Even for that American soldier; what was the right thing to do in the eyes of God?
A very good submission for this contest, and I wish you the best.
xo
Pam
Comment Written 13-Sep-2024
Comment from Sugarray77
This is a very compelling story and you have written it very well. The horrors of WWII still resonate through our society and are a good theme for this type of write. Well done and I wish you luck in this contest.
Melissa
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This is a very compelling story and you have written it very well. The horrors of WWII still resonate through our society and are a good theme for this type of write. Well done and I wish you luck in this contest.
Melissa
Comment Written 13-Sep-2024
Comment from lyenochka
I want to know more about that soldier. Why didn't he know what to do? The train conductor/engineer regretted doing his job. I'm sure many citizens of Nazi Germany were in that same situation. Great idea to focus on a nameless citizen. It's important that we stand up against would be dictators.
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I want to know more about that soldier. Why didn't he know what to do? The train conductor/engineer regretted doing his job. I'm sure many citizens of Nazi Germany were in that same situation. Great idea to focus on a nameless citizen. It's important that we stand up against would be dictators.
Comment Written 12-Sep-2024
Comment from Patrick Bernardy
Hello!
Your story is chilling, as it should be considering its subject matter. I have to admit I was a bit confused by the ending. I do know a lot about WWII, but I could not put my finger on the event in the "cave" that would make it clear to me.
I have remarked in the past about "showing versus telling," but I have come to realize that this is not as easy to do with a contest prompt with maximum word counts. You do have a few anecdotal examples in here -- the little girl and the side rail -- which are good.
---I loved this sentence; it is a perfect sentence to put near the beginning to build reader suspense and understanding: "All I remember are the first, when I steeled myself for the task, and the last, when my haunted mind could take it no longer."
I had just a couple of suggestions, if you agree:
---"I placed her down[,] and she retreated to the back of the train, sliding in" --Whenever you have two independent clauses in the same sentence, they should be separated by a comma before the coordinating conjuction. (An independent clause is one that has a subject and a verb and could act as a complete sentence in itself.)
---"I had brought so many to their doom and got well[-]paid for it." --Using the word "well" as part of a compound adjective in this way is very common. The rule is simple: when the compound adjective appears before the noun it modifies, it is hyphenated. (EX: "He got himself a well-paying job." When the compound adjective is not appearing with a modified noun, it is not hyphenated: "His new job made him well paid." In your sentence, there is no modified noun following it, so the hypen should be removed.
I think you did a great job with this! Good luck in the contest!
Patrick
reply by the author on 12-Sep-2024
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Hello!
Your story is chilling, as it should be considering its subject matter. I have to admit I was a bit confused by the ending. I do know a lot about WWII, but I could not put my finger on the event in the "cave" that would make it clear to me.
I have remarked in the past about "showing versus telling," but I have come to realize that this is not as easy to do with a contest prompt with maximum word counts. You do have a few anecdotal examples in here -- the little girl and the side rail -- which are good.
---I loved this sentence; it is a perfect sentence to put near the beginning to build reader suspense and understanding: "All I remember are the first, when I steeled myself for the task, and the last, when my haunted mind could take it no longer."
I had just a couple of suggestions, if you agree:
---"I placed her down[,] and she retreated to the back of the train, sliding in" --Whenever you have two independent clauses in the same sentence, they should be separated by a comma before the coordinating conjuction. (An independent clause is one that has a subject and a verb and could act as a complete sentence in itself.)
---"I had brought so many to their doom and got well[-]paid for it." --Using the word "well" as part of a compound adjective in this way is very common. The rule is simple: when the compound adjective appears before the noun it modifies, it is hyphenated. (EX: "He got himself a well-paying job." When the compound adjective is not appearing with a modified noun, it is not hyphenated: "His new job made him well paid." In your sentence, there is no modified noun following it, so the hypen should be removed.
I think you did a great job with this! Good luck in the contest!
Patrick
Comment Written 12-Sep-2024
reply by the author on 12-Sep-2024
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I very much appreciate your kindness and advice. I will make the corrections. The final bit was not based on fact, just to indicate on both sides, when man faces murdering other men, there is always a decision: Do you follow rules and do it? Wht will happen if you don't?
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Ah, okay. I did pick up on that as I read. For some reason I did not mention it in the review. If you did choose to expand this piece, fleshing that out a bit would basically create a theme that would unite the piece. Good luck!
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For some reason my story was deleted from the contest. But I do not write for awards.
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Huh? The committee DQed it? Did they say why?
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I honestly don't know what happened. I looked at the winner list and I didn't see my story anywhere. I wrote to Tom and he said it is there. I looked a few minutes ago, and it's there in fourth place. But I swear it was not there when I looked before.
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Ah okay. Well, sorry you lost, but at least it was "found." 😊
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Either I had a very senior moment or that story disappeared for awhile.
Comment from AliMom
A very good story of personal conflict. It makes me want more background on this person who participated in the disposal of others but who could not bring himself to dispose of himself. The passengers are very much like "products" being delivered to a final destination, unaware of their fate and simply taking the ride. You feel very little for them in spite of the small references to their smiles. I wasn't sure if that was how the narrator chose to see them until he couldn't take it anymore or if the reader because of a lack of information with which he/she could relate was to see them. I think more detail is needed, not about the ride or the experience, but about the individuals subjected to this horror. Good writing though. Needs to be fleshed out more.
reply by the author on 12-Sep-2024
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A very good story of personal conflict. It makes me want more background on this person who participated in the disposal of others but who could not bring himself to dispose of himself. The passengers are very much like "products" being delivered to a final destination, unaware of their fate and simply taking the ride. You feel very little for them in spite of the small references to their smiles. I wasn't sure if that was how the narrator chose to see them until he couldn't take it anymore or if the reader because of a lack of information with which he/she could relate was to see them. I think more detail is needed, not about the ride or the experience, but about the individuals subjected to this horror. Good writing though. Needs to be fleshed out more.
Comment Written 12-Sep-2024
reply by the author on 12-Sep-2024
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Sometimes I take too many words out of a tale, sometimes I'm too wordy. Still walking a tightrope, I guess.
Comment from BethShelby
This is well written story that is about a time in history that isn't pleasant to think about. I imagine many of those who did what they were ordered to do felt trapped by the war and didn't like to think of the consequences of their actions. Good luck in the contest.
reply by the author on 12-Sep-2024
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This is well written story that is about a time in history that isn't pleasant to think about. I imagine many of those who did what they were ordered to do felt trapped by the war and didn't like to think of the consequences of their actions. Good luck in the contest.
Comment Written 12-Sep-2024
reply by the author on 12-Sep-2024
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Many thanks for your kind words.
Comment from Aiona
Whoa.... what a unique story, presented in first person from a point-of-view I've never read before -- the train engineer. I feel like there should be more to this story. Like the next chapter is in the American soldier's point-of-view, also first person. Is there more?
reply by the author on 12-Sep-2024
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Whoa.... what a unique story, presented in first person from a point-of-view I've never read before -- the train engineer. I feel like there should be more to this story. Like the next chapter is in the American soldier's point-of-view, also first person. Is there more?
Comment Written 12-Sep-2024
reply by the author on 12-Sep-2024
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That's it. I like to have open endings, when possible, so the reader can think and imagine what happens next.
Comment from Frank Malley
This short memoir of a terrifying conflict of conscience might need more words to reflect the intricacies of motivation and character that are demanded of humans caught up in the toils of a brutal and horrific autocracy that seeks to doom individual thinking. Like American slavery, the societal plans of the Third Reich represent one of the ugliest failures of human thought and conscience. This piece deals strongly and effectively with historical horror but the subtlety of self-deception within the workings of human conscience need more and more focus so that we can act sooner and more courageously to derail the plans of monsters.
reply by the author on 12-Sep-2024
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This short memoir of a terrifying conflict of conscience might need more words to reflect the intricacies of motivation and character that are demanded of humans caught up in the toils of a brutal and horrific autocracy that seeks to doom individual thinking. Like American slavery, the societal plans of the Third Reich represent one of the ugliest failures of human thought and conscience. This piece deals strongly and effectively with historical horror but the subtlety of self-deception within the workings of human conscience need more and more focus so that we can act sooner and more courageously to derail the plans of monsters.
Comment Written 12-Sep-2024
reply by the author on 12-Sep-2024
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Thanks so much! As I told another reader, Sometimes I take too many words out of a tale, sometimes I'm too wordy. Still walking a tightrope, I guess.
