DUEL with the DEVIL
Viewing comments for Chapter 36 "DUEL with the DEVIL - Chapter 36"The problem of creating a non-addictive painkiller
17 total reviews
Comment from Rachelle Allen
This felt like too much "telling" instead of "showing." By the point where Brian is telling me that he wants to experiment on himself with drugs, I'm not fully paying attention, and that's because dialogue keeps stories interesting.
I'm trying to think of how this could have been done in a more "telling" way, and I thought that maybe a Zoom call from Kimi and Daniel? Or anyone from The Old Days? This way, though, was just too "informative" and not enough "interactive."
xoxoxo
reply by the author on 16-Sep-2024
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This felt like too much "telling" instead of "showing." By the point where Brian is telling me that he wants to experiment on himself with drugs, I'm not fully paying attention, and that's because dialogue keeps stories interesting.
I'm trying to think of how this could have been done in a more "telling" way, and I thought that maybe a Zoom call from Kimi and Daniel? Or anyone from The Old Days? This way, though, was just too "informative" and not enough "interactive."
xoxoxo
Comment Written 15-Sep-2024
reply by the author on 16-Sep-2024
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That's a valid critique, Rachelle. The first part of this chapter is essentially a 1,000-word information dump of highlights. It's all important because it gives context to what happens later in the story, but I understand how, presented in this way, it can cause the reader to tune out. It was hard to know how to present this succinctly. I guess I was hoping it would be interesting enough on its own for the reader to bear with it for 1,000 words.
Your idea of presenting it in a conversation is an interesting one, and I will give it some thought. Although Daniel will make an appearance later in the story, that might be a good way to show how they've been keeping in touch over the years. Food for thought for draft-2.
Comment from Karen Cherry Threadgill
I can remember head days of being in love, and missing each other which is also like a drug. I could not use a tens unit because of the vibration The spine thing would not have been good for me. And most of the things we use repeatedly, we get used to, and the thrill is gone. Good writing. Karen
reply by the author on 15-Sep-2024
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I can remember head days of being in love, and missing each other which is also like a drug. I could not use a tens unit because of the vibration The spine thing would not have been good for me. And most of the things we use repeatedly, we get used to, and the thrill is gone. Good writing. Karen
Comment Written 15-Sep-2024
reply by the author on 15-Sep-2024
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I've used TENS units, and I kind of like that buzz feeling, but I guess I'd prefer not to have it if I could get the same relief without it. You mentioned that the internal one also causes that buzz?
Comment from Pearl Edwards
I think it would be hard for young couples that are often apart due to committments but these two seem to be overcoming them with the time they have together. I'm imagining problems for Brian wihen he excperiments on himself.
What's druther? I've not seen that word before.
Another good read, Jim.
cheers,
valda
reply by the author on 14-Sep-2024
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I think it would be hard for young couples that are often apart due to committments but these two seem to be overcoming them with the time they have together. I'm imagining problems for Brian wihen he excperiments on himself.
What's druther? I've not seen that word before.
Another good read, Jim.
cheers,
valda
Comment Written 13-Sep-2024
reply by the author on 14-Sep-2024
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Thank you, valda. Druthers is a dialectical term which is a shortened version of "would rather." It can be used as both a noun and verb. Here I've used both forms. Mark Twain used it in Tom Sawyer. The more common use is the noun form: "If I had my druthers... "
Comment from Wayne Fowler
My only surprise was that it felt like Julia was settling for far less than her talent dictated Cleveland/Charlotte, instead of New York City, Phillidelphia.
Anyway, we learned how they became domesticated.
Best wishes.
reply by the author on 12-Sep-2024
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My only surprise was that it felt like Julia was settling for far less than her talent dictated Cleveland/Charlotte, instead of New York City, Phillidelphia.
Anyway, we learned how they became domesticated.
Best wishes.
Comment Written 12-Sep-2024
reply by the author on 12-Sep-2024
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Well her teacher at Juilliard suggested studying under the teacher at CIM, and because she becomes a soloist who travels the country and the world, it doesn't matter so much where she lives. Having lived myself in both the NY metropolitan area and in North Carolina, I can understand how she chose North Carolina.
Comment from T B Botts
Hello Jim,
I remember well those times of coming together after we had been apart when I was in the navy. In Radarman A school, I was able to make it home every two weeks. Once I was assigned to a ship, the deployments were much longer, but the reunions were extra sweet.
I wonder if Brian understands that launching out on his own will mean the loss of job security, and no pay until he gets established, and even then there is no guarantee of success. However, that's what makes America so great. The opportunity to launch out and reap the rewards of success. Well done on this chapter my friend.
Have a blessed evening.
Tom
reply by the author on 11-Sep-2024
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Hello Jim,
I remember well those times of coming together after we had been apart when I was in the navy. In Radarman A school, I was able to make it home every two weeks. Once I was assigned to a ship, the deployments were much longer, but the reunions were extra sweet.
I wonder if Brian understands that launching out on his own will mean the loss of job security, and no pay until he gets established, and even then there is no guarantee of success. However, that's what makes America so great. The opportunity to launch out and reap the rewards of success. Well done on this chapter my friend.
Have a blessed evening.
Tom
Comment Written 11-Sep-2024
reply by the author on 11-Sep-2024
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Brian has these exact concerns you've voiced here, Tom, as you'll see in the next chapter. He voices them to Julia with predictable results. Thanks for this great, perceptive review.
Comment from Wendy G
Seems we are poised on the edge of some brilliant work that Brian will achieve as he sets out on his own. However after he tests his research on himself he will surely need a larger group of people to completr his research in order for it to have validity. This is a wonderful chapter and I am looking forward to more (Interesting too that Julia's mother was not invited to her wedding!)
Wendy
reply by the author on 11-Sep-2024
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Seems we are poised on the edge of some brilliant work that Brian will achieve as he sets out on his own. However after he tests his research on himself he will surely need a larger group of people to completr his research in order for it to have validity. This is a wonderful chapter and I am looking forward to more (Interesting too that Julia's mother was not invited to her wedding!)
Wendy
Comment Written 10-Sep-2024
reply by the author on 11-Sep-2024
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Exactly right, Wendy. The FDA approval process requires at least 3 phases of human testing, each with larger test groups before a new drug can come to market. That can easily take 10 years to accomplish.
Comment from lyenochka
That's great that the couple started a happy routine and immediately went into a good neighborhood. This feels more like a chronological account that is preparing us for the difficult phase ahead. I'm glad you added a bit of dialogue to help use get into their personal relationship.
reply by the author on 10-Sep-2024
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That's great that the couple started a happy routine and immediately went into a good neighborhood. This feels more like a chronological account that is preparing us for the difficult phase ahead. I'm glad you added a bit of dialogue to help use get into their personal relationship.
Comment Written 10-Sep-2024
reply by the author on 10-Sep-2024
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Exactly. This and the next chapter lay the groundwork for the main part of the plot which is the creation of the drug and what happens when he tries it on himself.
Comment from royowen
It would've been nice for a reconciliation with a penitent mother, I can't believe a parent can shake their love for a child so easily, a parent still gives life, and I don't believe the umbilical cord is cut completely, certainly not for Elaine and me, but other than that, what a beautiful story, blessings Roy
reply by the author on 10-Sep-2024
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It would've been nice for a reconciliation with a penitent mother, I can't believe a parent can shake their love for a child so easily, a parent still gives life, and I don't believe the umbilical cord is cut completely, certainly not for Elaine and me, but other than that, what a beautiful story, blessings Roy
Comment Written 10-Sep-2024
reply by the author on 10-Sep-2024
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Thanks, Roy. Don't give up on them yet. There may be a reconciliation, if not in this story, then maybe a sequel.
Comment from Debbie D'Arcy
The build-up of tension is always palpable even when things are going well. And that's what gives your story such a buzz! You fill in all the interim details without losing the momentum of the story and I can already read the subtle little clues suggesting this 'honeymoon' period is not set to last: the tiredness, the sense that their little customs might lose their appeal over time; the separation and increasing workloads for both. I actually thought he was going to hurt his back again with all the sex! So I'm always anticipating something which is good. You continue to engage the reader vividly with interest and enjoyment. It's good enough for a movie! Well done, Jim! Debbie
reply by the author on 10-Sep-2024
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The build-up of tension is always palpable even when things are going well. And that's what gives your story such a buzz! You fill in all the interim details without losing the momentum of the story and I can already read the subtle little clues suggesting this 'honeymoon' period is not set to last: the tiredness, the sense that their little customs might lose their appeal over time; the separation and increasing workloads for both. I actually thought he was going to hurt his back again with all the sex! So I'm always anticipating something which is good. You continue to engage the reader vividly with interest and enjoyment. It's good enough for a movie! Well done, Jim! Debbie
Comment Written 10-Sep-2024
reply by the author on 10-Sep-2024
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Thanks so much, Debbie. As always, very perceptive in your comments, and I appreciate the analysis as well as the 6 stars. Thank you!
Any ideas for the leading man and woman in the movie?
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I'll have to think about this one because they're going to need to be young or look young. I'll come back to you for the casting:) But these coming of age movies are very popular.
I've got it: Daisy Edgar-Jones and Paul Mescal from the mini-series Normal People (a romantic tearjerker). And of course you could have a wonderful classical soundtrack.
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Oh, yes. She's adorable. I loved her in Where the Crawdad Sings. Paul Mescal looks looks like he'd make a good Brian too.
Comment from barbara.wilkey
It sounds as if their life is going great, almost too great. Are we in for a pitfall? I wouldn't be surprised with Brian's pain returning. I really like this story.
reply by the author on 10-Sep-2024
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It sounds as if their life is going great, almost too great. Are we in for a pitfall? I wouldn't be surprised with Brian's pain returning. I really like this story.
Comment Written 10-Sep-2024
reply by the author on 10-Sep-2024
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Yes, pitfall is a good word, but it will be followed by a steep climb back up again. We'll see if he makes it all the way. You know I like happy endings.
