Firstborn - Chapter II
Viewing comments for Chapter 1 "Firstborn"What if time no longer mattered?
5 total reviews
Comment from SimianSavant
Excellent work here. A few editing comments:
One was cut nearly in two by anothers sword <= another's
A far cry from what she was feeling only a short while ago. <= a fragment, but a permissible one stylistically.
The fire was already out. <= before this line, there are a bunch of extra line breaks without a "***" marker.
Allan patted the boys shoulder <= boy's
"I knew what they- <= starting here, and in the next several instances, use double hyphens (--) or em-dashes instead.
Avoid indenting lines of dialogue. It looks inconsistent and distracting.
Your picture depicts a fine watch that could not have been manufactured for at least a thousand years after this takes place (I'd say late 1800s to early 1900s) and seems quite out of place, unless you have a plan to reference that specific era later on.
Thanks for the read, and best regards,
🦍
reply by the author on 18-Sep-2024
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Excellent work here. A few editing comments:
One was cut nearly in two by anothers sword <= another's
A far cry from what she was feeling only a short while ago. <= a fragment, but a permissible one stylistically.
The fire was already out. <= before this line, there are a bunch of extra line breaks without a "***" marker.
Allan patted the boys shoulder <= boy's
"I knew what they- <= starting here, and in the next several instances, use double hyphens (--) or em-dashes instead.
Avoid indenting lines of dialogue. It looks inconsistent and distracting.
Your picture depicts a fine watch that could not have been manufactured for at least a thousand years after this takes place (I'd say late 1800s to early 1900s) and seems quite out of place, unless you have a plan to reference that specific era later on.
Thanks for the read, and best regards,
🦍
Comment Written 17-Sep-2024
reply by the author on 18-Sep-2024
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As always, thanks for your input. I will adjust accordingly. The watch - The timepiece is an important symbol in this work which will become clear in the next chapter or two. Keep in mind that the main character has not yet appeared. Both he and Kala are both Firstborn. (Near-immortals).
Thanks again my good gorilla -
M
Comment from Karen Dougherty Estep
If this is the first chapter, I am looking forward to reading the rest of the book! I loved your characters..I personally would have related better to them with more detailed description..beard? Blue eyes? Blonde hair? That is just me personally observing. This is a wonderful piece. Keep writing!
reply by the author on 07-Sep-2024
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If this is the first chapter, I am looking forward to reading the rest of the book! I loved your characters..I personally would have related better to them with more detailed description..beard? Blue eyes? Blonde hair? That is just me personally observing. This is a wonderful piece. Keep writing!
Comment Written 07-Sep-2024
reply by the author on 07-Sep-2024
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That is forthcoming. I don't like to overpower the reader with details when telling the tasty bits.
Thank you for the review!!
Comment from barbara.wilkey
Please continue this contest entry into a book. I know I would enjoy reading it. This is very well written and has a very interesting story line. Thank you for sharing this entry with us. Good luck with the contest.
reply by the author on 05-Sep-2024
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Please continue this contest entry into a book. I know I would enjoy reading it. This is very well written and has a very interesting story line. Thank you for sharing this entry with us. Good luck with the contest.
Comment Written 05-Sep-2024
reply by the author on 05-Sep-2024
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Thank you, Barbara. I'm working on it.
M
Comment from Michael Ludwinder
Nicely done! This was an enjoyable read. I thought you did a great job with the little details. I could feel the cold, smell the salt and hear the sound of the waves. That really drew me in to Kala's desperation. The character interactions, particularly with Allan and Robert, really added to the story. Overall, it's a great start! Leaves me eager to read more if you decide to continue. Great job!
reply by the author on 04-Sep-2024
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Nicely done! This was an enjoyable read. I thought you did a great job with the little details. I could feel the cold, smell the salt and hear the sound of the waves. That really drew me in to Kala's desperation. The character interactions, particularly with Allan and Robert, really added to the story. Overall, it's a great start! Leaves me eager to read more if you decide to continue. Great job!
Comment Written 03-Sep-2024
reply by the author on 04-Sep-2024
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Thanks, Michael. I look forward to your reviews and appreciate your time.
Cheers!
M
Comment from Jacob1395
I'm really intrigued to find out what's going to happen to Kala next and what the people who found her might do. You've already established her as a character really well and I want to follow her journey. I could feel her fear and desperation in the opening paragraph and you wrote the joy into the dialogue of the people who saved her really well. An excellent piece. Good luck in the contest.
reply by the author on 03-Sep-2024
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I'm really intrigued to find out what's going to happen to Kala next and what the people who found her might do. You've already established her as a character really well and I want to follow her journey. I could feel her fear and desperation in the opening paragraph and you wrote the joy into the dialogue of the people who saved her really well. An excellent piece. Good luck in the contest.
Comment Written 03-Sep-2024
reply by the author on 03-Sep-2024
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Jacob, I truly appreciate the review, as well as you taking the time to read. It's frustrating when people seem to want instant gratification, everything exposed in one paragraph, and morals-galore at the end of a five-minute read.
Cheers!
M