The Dollar Store
A woman muses during a robbery at a dollar store38 total reviews
Comment from Rachelle Allen
This was funny and self-explanatory enough that it didn't need the Author's Notes. Trust your skills as a writer to convey everything we, your readers, need.
reply by the author on 17-Aug-2024
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This was funny and self-explanatory enough that it didn't need the Author's Notes. Trust your skills as a writer to convey everything we, your readers, need.
Comment Written 17-Aug-2024
reply by the author on 17-Aug-2024
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Well Rachelle you're smarter than the average then. I got marked down because one person didn't know where she had gone that she didn't tell him it's true we don't find out she's married until the end
I tried to make it clear, but even with my notes that person couldn't get it that's why I put it in my notes not for smart cookies like you, but for others
Thank you for the great comments
Comment from nomi338
During a situation where your life is on the line, you begin to think of all the things that you might have to explain to God. Never realizing that he already knows your secrets. The best time to confess is before the time you will have to.
reply by the author on 17-Aug-2024
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During a situation where your life is on the line, you begin to think of all the things that you might have to explain to God. Never realizing that he already knows your secrets. The best time to confess is before the time you will have to.
Comment Written 17-Aug-2024
reply by the author on 17-Aug-2024
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Agreed, Nomi
Thank you for your great comments and your excellent rating
Comment from QC Poet
The lighthearted tone and outlook takes a serious situational event and nakes ut seen less believable but more humorous as a stand alone non contest entry Good Luck with your future endeavors
reply by the author on 17-Aug-2024
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The lighthearted tone and outlook takes a serious situational event and nakes ut seen less believable but more humorous as a stand alone non contest entry Good Luck with your future endeavors
Comment Written 17-Aug-2024
reply by the author on 17-Aug-2024
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Thanks, QC for taking the time to review my poem. I appreciate it
Comment from Marilyn Hamilton
This was a fun read. Thank goodness the towels ended up being on sale! lol your meter was solid and the rhymes you chose were good. The only bad part for me was that my brother-in-law works for Dollar General and about a year ago he was robbed at gun point. Luckily no one was hurt but it was very scary. Thanks for sharing this humorous story.
reply by the author on 17-Aug-2024
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This was a fun read. Thank goodness the towels ended up being on sale! lol your meter was solid and the rhymes you chose were good. The only bad part for me was that my brother-in-law works for Dollar General and about a year ago he was robbed at gun point. Luckily no one was hurt but it was very scary. Thanks for sharing this humorous story.
Comment Written 17-Aug-2024
reply by the author on 17-Aug-2024
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in real life. I'm sure it's very scary but in poetry it's tumors. I guess we poets have our heads in the cloud and don't deal with reality. Thank you very much for these wonderful comments
Comment from Shirley E Kennedy
Hi Pam,
I think we all replay actions in our minds if in a dire situation and I enjoyed your monologue.
I feel you portrayed the scenario quite well and emotions and thoughts were clearly expressed.
I enjoyed the innocent introduction and build up to a peak and downturn to resolution.
Sorry I don't have a six.
An enjoyable read.
Blessings
Shirley
reply by the author on 18-Aug-2024
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Hi Pam,
I think we all replay actions in our minds if in a dire situation and I enjoyed your monologue.
I feel you portrayed the scenario quite well and emotions and thoughts were clearly expressed.
I enjoyed the innocent introduction and build up to a peak and downturn to resolution.
Sorry I don't have a six.
An enjoyable read.
Blessings
Shirley
Comment Written 16-Aug-2024
reply by the author on 18-Aug-2024
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Thank you for your wonderful and lovely comments and for the virtual six stars. I appreciate it.
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You're welcome.
Blessings
Shirley
Comment from Barry Penfold
A delightful job in this poem. I found it entertaining and quite humorous.
Good rhyming and excellent image. Once again thanks for sharing. Take care and have a great day.
Regards
Barry Penfold.
reply by the author on 16-Aug-2024
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A delightful job in this poem. I found it entertaining and quite humorous.
Good rhyming and excellent image. Once again thanks for sharing. Take care and have a great day.
Regards
Barry Penfold.
Comment Written 16-Aug-2024
reply by the author on 16-Aug-2024
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Thank you for your wonderful review. You have a great day too.
Comment from Michele Harber
Interesting story, and I'm glad it's fiction. It's amazing what goes through your mind when you confront danger or possible death. My mother was once held up at gunpoint, and all she could focus on was the gun--not family or even death, but just the barrel of the gun. I was once mugged by someone who wanted my purse and was holding something I couldn't make out but assumed was a weapon. My first instinct was to hold the purse in a death grip. I held on so tightly he couldn't get it out of my hand. Then, all of a sudden, a public service announcement went through my head, in the monotonous tone of a narrator doing a PSA: "The police say that, if someone is trying to steal your purse, the safest thing is to just let it go." So I did, and he left.
Your main character is very believable, as most people want to die with a clear conscience. I got a kick out of her noting, once the danger had passed, that the towels were on sale.
Your rhymes and near-rhymes worked well but, surprisingly, there were two places where the rhythm was a bit off:
1. Where you say, "He asked her for the drawer key," "drawer" is generally pronounced as one syllable. You might do better to say "lock box" or "cash box."
2. In, "My motives weren't exactly pure," "weren't" is usually pronounced with two syllables, which makes "exactly" add an extra syllable. You might want to try "really pure" or "all that pure."
reply by the author on 18-Aug-2024
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Interesting story, and I'm glad it's fiction. It's amazing what goes through your mind when you confront danger or possible death. My mother was once held up at gunpoint, and all she could focus on was the gun--not family or even death, but just the barrel of the gun. I was once mugged by someone who wanted my purse and was holding something I couldn't make out but assumed was a weapon. My first instinct was to hold the purse in a death grip. I held on so tightly he couldn't get it out of my hand. Then, all of a sudden, a public service announcement went through my head, in the monotonous tone of a narrator doing a PSA: "The police say that, if someone is trying to steal your purse, the safest thing is to just let it go." So I did, and he left.
Your main character is very believable, as most people want to die with a clear conscience. I got a kick out of her noting, once the danger had passed, that the towels were on sale.
Your rhymes and near-rhymes worked well but, surprisingly, there were two places where the rhythm was a bit off:
1. Where you say, "He asked her for the drawer key," "drawer" is generally pronounced as one syllable. You might do better to say "lock box" or "cash box."
2. In, "My motives weren't exactly pure," "weren't" is usually pronounced with two syllables, which makes "exactly" add an extra syllable. You might want to try "really pure" or "all that pure."
Comment Written 16-Aug-2024
reply by the author on 18-Aug-2024
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hi, Michelle. Thank you for your usual stellar review. It's funny that Oxford dictionary says drawer is one word but other dictionaries say it's two and I've always pronounced it as two
In Order to avoid possible confusion. I took your advice and use cashbox.
as far as the word weren't the dictionary say it's one syllable even the Oxford dictionary but again to avoid confusion I took your suggestion and made it really pure. I just realized I could've said all that pure too, and that might be even better what do you think?
Oh ha ha ha ha ha you
already proposed that I didn't see that right away. You must think I'm a doofus. I think I am so you can too. Thanks again
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From one doofus to another, welcome to the pack! 🤪
I'm always glad when my suggestions are helpful. Apparently you're right about the pronunciation of "weren't." What I read is that it's often pronounced with two syllables, but that the proper pronunciation is as one syllable. That suggests two things to me:
1. My elementary school teachers, who taught me to pronounce it with two syllables, had no idea what they were talking about!
2. You made the right choice in changing the sentence since, right or wrong, many people pronounce the word as I do, so would have the same problem with the syllable count.
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Lol you're too funny
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😁
Comment from BOO ghost
Oh, no! A robbery at the local dollar store. Ain't the big money hid in the safe? I count 15 stanzas. The picture speaks a thousand words. Well. Imagine she just wet her panties. Who could blame her, starring down a gun barrel. Is this the Aha moment?
He gathered us into one aisle.
I felt the horrid taste of bile.
He made the clerk go lock the door,
while we were lying on the floor.
BOOS favorite stanza up there. Thrilling story! I would imagine that Dollar store robberies happen every day.
It's reality, illegal migrants probably do some robberies. Thanks for a open border! You corrupt politicians with votes as a priority. Not the welfare and safety of the people.
Bravo!
BOO!
reply by the author on 16-Aug-2024
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Oh, no! A robbery at the local dollar store. Ain't the big money hid in the safe? I count 15 stanzas. The picture speaks a thousand words. Well. Imagine she just wet her panties. Who could blame her, starring down a gun barrel. Is this the Aha moment?
He gathered us into one aisle.
I felt the horrid taste of bile.
He made the clerk go lock the door,
while we were lying on the floor.
BOOS favorite stanza up there. Thrilling story! I would imagine that Dollar store robberies happen every day.
It's reality, illegal migrants probably do some robberies. Thanks for a open border! You corrupt politicians with votes as a priority. Not the welfare and safety of the people.
Bravo!
BOO!
Comment Written 16-Aug-2024
reply by the author on 16-Aug-2024
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Oh. BOO. You made me laugh out loud with your wet her panties comment. Thank you for your funny review. I really enjoyed it.
Comment from Teri7
Pam, This is a really good poem you have penned and maybe it will help someone to think when they know they have sinned and not repented. Life is that way and Jesus could come at any moment! Thank you for sharing this. Life is very fragile. Best wishes in the contest. love and blessings, Teri
reply by the author on 16-Aug-2024
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Pam, This is a really good poem you have penned and maybe it will help someone to think when they know they have sinned and not repented. Life is that way and Jesus could come at any moment! Thank you for sharing this. Life is very fragile. Best wishes in the contest. love and blessings, Teri
Comment Written 16-Aug-2024
reply by the author on 16-Aug-2024
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Thank you for your wonderful comments. I really enjoyed your review.
Comment from SimianSavant
Interspersing thoughts throughout the ongoing action narrative makes this fun, even if initially it's a little tricky to follow the reasoning (why is the manicure a sin? Was it for another man, or too expensive, or something else? Ok, finally I got it.)
Well metered and easy to read. I suggest cropping off the black border on the image.
When I was about 16 years old I heard about this haircut place in town that did better than my dad's buzz cuts, and my hair stylist was this hot blonde voluptuous chick named Alex, and she'd get up close and personal. Every time was a good time.
My feet were glued, I could not run. <= if we are being technical, this should be a semicolon since it separates independent subject/predicate clauses
Thanks for a fun read,
🦍
reply by the author on 16-Aug-2024
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Interspersing thoughts throughout the ongoing action narrative makes this fun, even if initially it's a little tricky to follow the reasoning (why is the manicure a sin? Was it for another man, or too expensive, or something else? Ok, finally I got it.)
Well metered and easy to read. I suggest cropping off the black border on the image.
When I was about 16 years old I heard about this haircut place in town that did better than my dad's buzz cuts, and my hair stylist was this hot blonde voluptuous chick named Alex, and she'd get up close and personal. Every time was a good time.
My feet were glued, I could not run. <= if we are being technical, this should be a semicolon since it separates independent subject/predicate clauses
Thanks for a fun read,
🦍
Comment Written 16-Aug-2024
reply by the author on 16-Aug-2024
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Yes period. I initially had a; semi colon because I think that I learned that if you have two sentences and you're separating them, you should use it; so you're right about that.
Thank you for your wonderful comments and suggestion about the semi colon
