The moon creature
Everything gets hungry.29 total reviews
Comment from Mufasa
Ohhh, well done! This is well-thought-out little ditty! May I suggest:
"For the dark side will (sorely) / Make spacemen fare poorly."
I believe 'sorely' used in this context may work. Your call. Either way, a damn, fine piece.
Cheers!
M
reply by the author on 18-Aug-2024
  |
Ohhh, well done! This is well-thought-out little ditty! May I suggest:
"For the dark side will (sorely) / Make spacemen fare poorly."
I believe 'sorely' used in this context may work. Your call. Either way, a damn, fine piece.
Cheers!
M
Comment Written 18-Aug-2024
reply by the author on 18-Aug-2024
-
Mufasa my friend, it is with certainty that the dark side will 'surely' be staying. As it is with the same certainty that sorely will not fit the bill.
For the dark side will surely ~ As in, it will definitely make space men fare poorly. If the dark side will...sorely? What is the dark side sore about, exactly? Did the dark side have a bad day? For it is the dark, they say, that is full of terrors!
Comment from royowen
What a fun poem my friend, it really has the rhythm of the limerick, in the trimeter lines that the varied meter allows, that quick, quick slow, gives it a great dramatic affect, well done, great post, blessings Roy
reply by the author on 21-Aug-2024
|
What a fun poem my friend, it really has the rhythm of the limerick, in the trimeter lines that the varied meter allows, that quick, quick slow, gives it a great dramatic affect, well done, great post, blessings Roy
Comment Written 18-Aug-2024
reply by the author on 21-Aug-2024
-
Thanks Roy!
-
Pleasure
Comment from Nottoway
Well deserved accolades!!!!!!!!!!
This made me think of the tales I heard many years ago (60 plus) about creatures on the moon!
It was great then to hear the tails and be fearful for a while. Today, this brings a smile as now I know that there our no scary creatures there.
Or, are there?
reply by the author on 18-Aug-2024
 |
Well deserved accolades!!!!!!!!!!
This made me think of the tales I heard many years ago (60 plus) about creatures on the moon!
It was great then to hear the tails and be fearful for a while. Today, this brings a smile as now I know that there our no scary creatures there.
Or, are there?
Comment Written 18-Aug-2024
reply by the author on 18-Aug-2024
-
Do not despair as you read of the pair,
Lick and Sandersonbleacher,
For what did I hear inside of my ear?
The monsters simply won't reach her...
Comment from Jesse James Doty
This has got to be the strangest poem I have ever read. The cast of characters is complete with moon creatures who eat people for fun and go after them on the run with a burger on a bun and so forth ad nauseaum. All I know is that this show of moon creatures features the craziest people I know.
Jesse
reply by the author on 17-Aug-2024
|
This has got to be the strangest poem I have ever read. The cast of characters is complete with moon creatures who eat people for fun and go after them on the run with a burger on a bun and so forth ad nauseaum. All I know is that this show of moon creatures features the craziest people I know.
Jesse
Comment Written 17-Aug-2024
reply by the author on 17-Aug-2024
-
Wait until you read The Other Moon Creature. Find out what happens to our Lunar friend Lick. Thank you for your kind words and feedback.
Comment from Aussie
Almost sounds like a Limerick. Now that water has been found, surely there must be critters living on the moon.
Lick is a good name for the space creature. I enjoyed your poem and wish you well in the contest.
reply by the author on 17-Aug-2024
|
Almost sounds like a Limerick. Now that water has been found, surely there must be critters living on the moon.
Lick is a good name for the space creature. I enjoyed your poem and wish you well in the contest.
Comment Written 17-Aug-2024
reply by the author on 17-Aug-2024
-
Thank you for the kind words and feedback. Yeah, I decided to take the reader to an odd destination and maintain a sense of imbalance throughout the piece.
Comment from QC Poet
Sounds like a tail from the dark side of the moon with a creature named lick that might make an interesting video clip or movie Good Luck in this Moon vased contest
reply by the author on 17-Aug-2024
|
Sounds like a tail from the dark side of the moon with a creature named lick that might make an interesting video clip or movie Good Luck in this Moon vased contest
Comment Written 16-Aug-2024
reply by the author on 17-Aug-2024
-
Maybe so. I have yet to flex into screenplays or scripting. I am trying new things so that I may lean in that direction soon. Thank you for the feedback.
Comment from Bill Schott
This poem, The Moon Creature, pieces some random rhyming words together and somehow creates a story poem in which Lick the Lunar Leviathan manages to eat some pre-asphyxiated astronauts. And there's a sequel?
reply by the author on 16-Aug-2024
|
This poem, The Moon Creature, pieces some random rhyming words together and somehow creates a story poem in which Lick the Lunar Leviathan manages to eat some pre-asphyxiated astronauts. And there's a sequel?
Comment Written 16-Aug-2024
reply by the author on 16-Aug-2024
-
Yes, there is. The other moon creature named Sandersonbleacher, is the sequel. Please read it if you have time.
Comment from SimianSavant
[review rating upgraded after edits]
This is wildly creative. I think it would benefit from some added clarity. Here are some suggested edits:
Where no one dare loom <= dares
Whenever is clever it'll usually endeavor to gobble up feet as a treat. <= the first part of this has two many syllables currently to "click" in synch with the meter you have chosen. One way to fix this would be:
"Eating whatever, it's hungry to sever and gobble your feet as a treat"
Let's listen to the talking space meat <= confusing
The spacemen plum caught unawares. <= a little confusing, although I think I followed what you meant. Maybe go for simpler here? "were caught unawares"
Had filled up its flagon! <= its
In case you did not know, "blue ball[s]" means something very specific on Urban Dictionary. If that's not what you intended, might be worth changing, haha.
Thanks for the read, and if you edit this, message me back so I can re-examine the rating.
Best regards,
🦍
reply by the author on 16-Aug-2024
|
[review rating upgraded after edits]
This is wildly creative. I think it would benefit from some added clarity. Here are some suggested edits:
Where no one dare loom <= dares
Whenever is clever it'll usually endeavor to gobble up feet as a treat. <= the first part of this has two many syllables currently to "click" in synch with the meter you have chosen. One way to fix this would be:
"Eating whatever, it's hungry to sever and gobble your feet as a treat"
Let's listen to the talking space meat <= confusing
The spacemen plum caught unawares. <= a little confusing, although I think I followed what you meant. Maybe go for simpler here? "were caught unawares"
Had filled up its flagon! <= its
In case you did not know, "blue ball[s]" means something very specific on Urban Dictionary. If that's not what you intended, might be worth changing, haha.
Thanks for the read, and if you edit this, message me back so I can re-examine the rating.
Best regards,
🦍
Comment Written 16-Aug-2024
reply by the author on 16-Aug-2024
-
Thank you for the meaningful feedback. I have made a few edits based on your excellent critique. Could you take a look when you get a chance? Yes, I wanted the reader to be discombobulated at the start of the poem and never quite catch their balance. The blue ball brings the focus back to the reader, making it a more personal and concerned feel when you complete the journey and realize what Lick is planning next.
-
You've fixed most of it -- I think you should swap out "usually" though, as it is four syllables and messing up your meter.
-
I got you. Check now. How does that feel?
-
Had to do surgery there but thanks for the feedback, kind stranger!
-
A bit unconventional for an abbreviation, but it gets the job done! I upgraded the rating.
Comment from Jacob1395
This was an entertaining piece, and I really liked the idea of these creatures living on the moon. I thought your writing flowed really well, you did a good job of making them sound quite fearsome. A well written piece, I enjoyed reading it.
reply by the author on 16-Aug-2024
|
This was an entertaining piece, and I really liked the idea of these creatures living on the moon. I thought your writing flowed really well, you did a good job of making them sound quite fearsome. A well written piece, I enjoyed reading it.
Comment Written 16-Aug-2024
reply by the author on 16-Aug-2024
-
Thank you for reading. Yes, a fearsome creature described strangely describes this strange description descriptively.
Comment from Shanbreen
Yes, the perils of space travel and our fixation on aliens out to get us, prevails. Your poem did make me think of the recently stranded astronauts who are waiting to get home. (Ugh!). All the best for the contest.
reply by the author on 16-Aug-2024
|
Yes, the perils of space travel and our fixation on aliens out to get us, prevails. Your poem did make me think of the recently stranded astronauts who are waiting to get home. (Ugh!). All the best for the contest.
Comment Written 16-Aug-2024
reply by the author on 16-Aug-2024
-
Thank you for the kind words and feedback!
