Destroyer
The Inquisition got one right.9 total reviews
Comment from Ric Myworld
Well, there are definitely plenty of blood, guts, and dumped bowels in this one. And you've for sure painted some vivid pictures of a place I'd rather not be, but it's entertaining and well written. Leaving me anxious to see what you come up with next. Congratulations on your blue ribbon! Thanks for sharing.
reply by the author on 22-Nov-2024
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Well, there are definitely plenty of blood, guts, and dumped bowels in this one. And you've for sure painted some vivid pictures of a place I'd rather not be, but it's entertaining and well written. Leaving me anxious to see what you come up with next. Congratulations on your blue ribbon! Thanks for sharing.
Comment Written 22-Nov-2024
reply by the author on 22-Nov-2024
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I appreciate the input for my first attempt at the genre. If you are a fantasy or sci-fi fan, I believe The Canis Gene and The Wish Bridge might be more to your liking.
Thanks again!
-M
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I liked your well written story a lot. I'm not much of a fantasy or sci-fi fan, but when the writer can put me in the action, as you did, I can enjoy about anything. Glad to have you on FanStory! Ric
Comment from Pam Lonsdale
Right off the bat, the way you describe Brother Obarth tells me I'm in for a read that will place me in the dungeon with these people. And I like that you used a first person narrative, as this connects the reader to the story on a more personal level.
Wow! This was fantastic, and now my coffee is cold beside me because I was so enthralled that I did not even stop to drink it - I just kept reading.
The "trial" reminded me very much of the Salem witch trials, but that ending was pure "Exorcist" - except the devil wins in the end.
Congratulations on your win. This was a first time writing horror? You're good at it!
xo
Pam
reply by the author on 22-Nov-2024
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Right off the bat, the way you describe Brother Obarth tells me I'm in for a read that will place me in the dungeon with these people. And I like that you used a first person narrative, as this connects the reader to the story on a more personal level.
Wow! This was fantastic, and now my coffee is cold beside me because I was so enthralled that I did not even stop to drink it - I just kept reading.
The "trial" reminded me very much of the Salem witch trials, but that ending was pure "Exorcist" - except the devil wins in the end.
Congratulations on your win. This was a first time writing horror? You're good at it!
xo
Pam
Comment Written 22-Nov-2024
reply by the author on 22-Nov-2024
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Pam - thank you so much for your review. I stepped away from the site because I grew tired of all the "poetry" contests, as well as some of the questionable practices of the site owners.
I hope you're well, and still creating! Thank you again!
-Michael
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LOL, Michael! There are still way more poetry contests than prose, and the owner's practices are still being called into question. Nothing has changed.
Comment from Contests
reply by the author on 22-Nov-2024
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 A contest winning entry! A seven star rating from the Contest Committee for posting the winning contest entry. |
Comment Written 22-Nov-2024
reply by the author on 22-Nov-2024
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Many thanks for the lucky 7!!
-M
Comment from SimianSavant
This is a great story, deserving of a six perhaps. I won't go into that much as I have a few grammar things for you that should be corrected.
CORRECT USE OF SEMICOLONS
It might not seem like a big deal, but it is. They direct the flow and order of how a reader interprets a series of actions. When used incorrectly, it's like the reader has to freeze the frame on a film scene to figure out exactly what is going on. Your writing is too good to be constantly paused like this.
I did not write these in order, and reordered them sequentially afterwards, so apologies for any redundancy.
A long-abandoned castle above us, a labyrinth of deep, black tunnels below it. <= fragment (no verb). I deliberately use fragments from time to time though, and just want to make sure you knew about it.
Two guards stood beside the entrance; huge and stinking of sour wine <= the second clause lacks a primary verb ("ing" verbs function as adjectives and verbs), so this should be a comma, not a semicolon.
I was not cold, I was angry and filled with rage <= This is a classic "millennial comma" and functions as a run-on sentence. Use a semicolon instead of a comma to separate independent clauses.
Obarth stared at me; his cold eyes black and rheumy, and squinted. <=use a comma instead of a semicolon, because "and squinted" is attached logically to the first part of the sentence, not to the second part, which is merely descriptive
Ping; a long nail on a bony finger tapping a new device with each step that he took. <= for this to be a semicolon, you'd need to change "tapping" to "tapped"
There was death in her words; a coldness that entered every man in the cell, like an adder crawling into a cot <= this semicolon should also be a comma. This is a tricky one: "that entered" functions as an adjective of "coldness", so it's as if you wrote "entering". If you just got rid of "that" (a coldness entered every man...), then a semicolon would be appropriate.
she was standing before me; bloody, beautiful, perfect. <= Use a colon there instead of a semicolon. Semicolons should only be used to separate complete independent clauses, and what comes after it is instead a series of adjectives attached to "she".
I could not answer; I nodded like a dolt. <= here's one that you did correctly. The one in your opening paragraph is also correct.
There are a few more misused semicolons in your piece (there were 16 in total including the one correct use above) but I've covered the different scenarios now, and will leave it to you to evaluate and fix the rest.
***
Context for my higher-than-normal degree of nitpicking: I noticed you worked in aero. I wrote a bit of the compliance and workflow software in that industry.
Thanks for the read and best regards,
🦍
reply by the author on 11-Aug-2024
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This is a great story, deserving of a six perhaps. I won't go into that much as I have a few grammar things for you that should be corrected.
CORRECT USE OF SEMICOLONS
It might not seem like a big deal, but it is. They direct the flow and order of how a reader interprets a series of actions. When used incorrectly, it's like the reader has to freeze the frame on a film scene to figure out exactly what is going on. Your writing is too good to be constantly paused like this.
I did not write these in order, and reordered them sequentially afterwards, so apologies for any redundancy.
A long-abandoned castle above us, a labyrinth of deep, black tunnels below it. <= fragment (no verb). I deliberately use fragments from time to time though, and just want to make sure you knew about it.
Two guards stood beside the entrance; huge and stinking of sour wine <= the second clause lacks a primary verb ("ing" verbs function as adjectives and verbs), so this should be a comma, not a semicolon.
I was not cold, I was angry and filled with rage <= This is a classic "millennial comma" and functions as a run-on sentence. Use a semicolon instead of a comma to separate independent clauses.
Obarth stared at me; his cold eyes black and rheumy, and squinted. <=use a comma instead of a semicolon, because "and squinted" is attached logically to the first part of the sentence, not to the second part, which is merely descriptive
Ping; a long nail on a bony finger tapping a new device with each step that he took. <= for this to be a semicolon, you'd need to change "tapping" to "tapped"
There was death in her words; a coldness that entered every man in the cell, like an adder crawling into a cot <= this semicolon should also be a comma. This is a tricky one: "that entered" functions as an adjective of "coldness", so it's as if you wrote "entering". If you just got rid of "that" (a coldness entered every man...), then a semicolon would be appropriate.
she was standing before me; bloody, beautiful, perfect. <= Use a colon there instead of a semicolon. Semicolons should only be used to separate complete independent clauses, and what comes after it is instead a series of adjectives attached to "she".
I could not answer; I nodded like a dolt. <= here's one that you did correctly. The one in your opening paragraph is also correct.
There are a few more misused semicolons in your piece (there were 16 in total including the one correct use above) but I've covered the different scenarios now, and will leave it to you to evaluate and fix the rest.
***
Context for my higher-than-normal degree of nitpicking: I noticed you worked in aero. I wrote a bit of the compliance and workflow software in that industry.
Thanks for the read and best regards,
🦍
Comment Written 11-Aug-2024
reply by the author on 11-Aug-2024
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Many thanks for the astute observations. I strive to become as naturally observant of correct punctuation.
Cheers!
M
Okay - I applied your corrections and then some. I know I need to concentrate more upon applying the correct punctuation. My problem (I believe) is that I tend to write as I speak or think. Your input will always be noted, used, and appreciated.
So, aerospace. Yep - I spent many years at Gulfstream before and after being consumed by General Dynamics. 1981-2001. Moved on to Bombardier / Learjet in Wichita, KS from 2001 to 2015. Did a stint with Seimens Wind Turbines before being head-hunted by Georgia Port Authority in 2017 / Savannah. Had my fill in 2023. I instruct safety and heavy equipment basic operation two days per week to "new kids" for an import company.
Comment from Lindsey Russell
This is a really good story. I want to know what happens next. This is very well-written as well. Good luck with the contest and happy writing! Awesome job!
reply by the author on 10-Aug-2024
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This is a really good story. I want to know what happens next. This is very well-written as well. Good luck with the contest and happy writing! Awesome job!
Comment Written 10-Aug-2024
reply by the author on 10-Aug-2024
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Lindsey - Thank you so much for your time and kind words! This was always meant to be a one-scene story. But you never know...
Cheers!
MD
Comment from lancellot
Hmm, what if? What if demons were real, and what if the people who claimed to serve God, were actually evil? I can't say that is something new or rarely done, but you have written a very descriptive short. I would only add, that the deaths, did not move the reader, because the reader had no knowledge of, no connection to, and did not know them.
Good luck in the contest.
reply by the author on 10-Aug-2024
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Hmm, what if? What if demons were real, and what if the people who claimed to serve God, were actually evil? I can't say that is something new or rarely done, but you have written a very descriptive short. I would only add, that the deaths, did not move the reader, because the reader had no knowledge of, no connection to, and did not know them.
Good luck in the contest.
Comment Written 10-Aug-2024
reply by the author on 10-Aug-2024
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Lancellot - Thanks for the time and review. Filling out secondary characters would have unnecessarily increased the word count and taken away from the three central figures. The 'red shirts' as I call them, weren't the focus here - the Inquisition actually encountering what they accused so many of being.
Cheers!
MD
Comment from Pamusart
Hi, Mufasa
This is a long story so I certainly hope I can save my reviews on this. There are just so many reviews I can't save and they always seem to be the ones that I spent the most time on.
This is a story of the supernatural. I guess it has a correlation to the beauty and the beast TV shows and movies where the beast fights for this girl whenever she needs it.
So she is the one that unleashed the beast, and it came to rescue her. And as a consequence, it rescued him too.
Your writing was crispy dry and droll. Kind of matter-of-fact, but with a lot of emotions thrown in. A whole lot of emotion.
You did a great job of showing emotion in the narrator as he was watching the girl get tortured and he was helpless to do anything about it
And it sounds like he was going to be the next object of Obarth's rage
So the beast came just in time and all of those people that were keeping them captive got their Comeuppance.
I enjoyed reading your story
Good job. Thank you for sharing.
reply by the author on 28-Jul-2024
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Hi, Mufasa
This is a long story so I certainly hope I can save my reviews on this. There are just so many reviews I can't save and they always seem to be the ones that I spent the most time on.
This is a story of the supernatural. I guess it has a correlation to the beauty and the beast TV shows and movies where the beast fights for this girl whenever she needs it.
So she is the one that unleashed the beast, and it came to rescue her. And as a consequence, it rescued him too.
Your writing was crispy dry and droll. Kind of matter-of-fact, but with a lot of emotions thrown in. A whole lot of emotion.
You did a great job of showing emotion in the narrator as he was watching the girl get tortured and he was helpless to do anything about it
And it sounds like he was going to be the next object of Obarth's rage
So the beast came just in time and all of those people that were keeping them captive got their Comeuppance.
I enjoyed reading your story
Good job. Thank you for sharing.
Comment Written 27-Jul-2024
reply by the author on 28-Jul-2024
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Hi Pam! Thank you for taking the time to review. 'Destroyer' was written on a one-scene challenge by a friend. I tend to accept these challenges because for me, it forces me to step outside my comfort zone. A special thank you for describing it as "droll." That's a first for me.
Comment from Michael Ludwinder
Well done. This was an excellent entry for the contest. Your portrayal of the young girl alongside the grotesque actions of the Inquisitor is both interesting and horrifying. The blend of horror and the supernatural is excellent. Your writing is truly impressive.
reply by the author on 27-Jul-2024
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Well done. This was an excellent entry for the contest. Your portrayal of the young girl alongside the grotesque actions of the Inquisitor is both interesting and horrifying. The blend of horror and the supernatural is excellent. Your writing is truly impressive.
Comment Written 26-Jul-2024
reply by the author on 27-Jul-2024
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Thanks, Michael! I appreciate your input.
Comment from ImaginosBuzzardoDesdinova
Wow! What can I say but... incredible writing. The fight, not of good vs evil, but divine evil vs profane evil, is really brought to light in this story. Excellent work. I was shuddering while reading it.
reply by the author on 26-Jul-2024
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Wow! What can I say but... incredible writing. The fight, not of good vs evil, but divine evil vs profane evil, is really brought to light in this story. Excellent work. I was shuddering while reading it.
Comment Written 25-Jul-2024
reply by the author on 26-Jul-2024
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Thanks so much for the kind review! Good job catching the main point of the story.
M-