Shopping Disaster
Emily visits the mall12 total reviews
Comment from papa55mike
Now, that's a nicely written, tight story where a lot of action happens away from Emily, but she's clearly in it. What a wonderfully written story. Good luck in the contest! Have a great day, and God bless.
mike
reply by the author on 26-Aug-2024
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Now, that's a nicely written, tight story where a lot of action happens away from Emily, but she's clearly in it. What a wonderfully written story. Good luck in the contest! Have a great day, and God bless.
mike
Comment Written 26-Aug-2024
reply by the author on 26-Aug-2024
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Thank you for the six stars, I didn't win the contest I'm afraid. I appreciate you taking the time to review.
Comment from dragonpoet
Hi Jacob,
This i s a well told story about an event that happens all to often these days. I am glad they found each other. I think Emily should tell her mother that Thomas lost her. If he has done it before, then he shouldn't be trusted in taking her alone.
Keep writing and stay healthy
Have a great day.
Joan
reply by the author on 21-Aug-2024
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Hi Jacob,
This i s a well told story about an event that happens all to often these days. I am glad they found each other. I think Emily should tell her mother that Thomas lost her. If he has done it before, then he shouldn't be trusted in taking her alone.
Keep writing and stay healthy
Have a great day.
Joan
Comment Written 20-Aug-2024
reply by the author on 21-Aug-2024
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Thank you Joan for taking the time to read and review. I'm pleased that you enjoyed it.
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You are most welcome, Jacob.
Joan
Comment from giraffmang
Hi Jacob,
I think you did a very good job with this piece. I think the perspective is written well and it is well-maintained throughout the piece.
I hope it does well in the competition.
G
reply by the author on 19-Jul-2024
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Hi Jacob,
I think you did a very good job with this piece. I think the perspective is written well and it is well-maintained throughout the piece.
I hope it does well in the competition.
G
Comment Written 19-Jul-2024
reply by the author on 19-Jul-2024
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Thank you, it didn't win I'm afraid, but I'm really pleased that you enjoyed it.
Comment from Bill Schott
This story, Shopping Disaster, brings the readers right into the 'you-are-there' action as Emily experiences the chaos of an active shooter in a mall. Terrifying for all involved.
reply by the author on 18-Jul-2024
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This story, Shopping Disaster, brings the readers right into the 'you-are-there' action as Emily experiences the chaos of an active shooter in a mall. Terrifying for all involved.
Comment Written 18-Jul-2024
reply by the author on 18-Jul-2024
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Thank you, I'm really pleased that you enjoyed it.
Comment from Debbie D'Arcy
I like the way you use short, 'staccato' sentences to convey the confusion and fear experienced by a child lost in a shopping mall. The panic is intensified by the hysteria around, caused by the shooter. By the end of the piece, there is a palpable sense of relief for the child, who is safely reunited with her brother and knows that Mummy is coming to get her. Well done and good luck! Debbie
reply by the author on 18-Jul-2024
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I like the way you use short, 'staccato' sentences to convey the confusion and fear experienced by a child lost in a shopping mall. The panic is intensified by the hysteria around, caused by the shooter. By the end of the piece, there is a palpable sense of relief for the child, who is safely reunited with her brother and knows that Mummy is coming to get her. Well done and good luck! Debbie
Comment Written 17-Jul-2024
reply by the author on 18-Jul-2024
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Thank you Debbie, I'm really pleased that you enjoyed it.
Comment from Esther Brown
Very well done. I felt like Emily, I was in her tiny shoes scared to death. I smelled the sweaty stranger and the fear. Heard the shots. The best part was he was older because he got to stay up longer. So terribly unfair to the younger kids! Good luck in the contest.
reply by the author on 17-Jul-2024
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Very well done. I felt like Emily, I was in her tiny shoes scared to death. I smelled the sweaty stranger and the fear. Heard the shots. The best part was he was older because he got to stay up longer. So terribly unfair to the younger kids! Good luck in the contest.
Comment Written 17-Jul-2024
reply by the author on 17-Jul-2024
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Thank you, I'm really pleased that you enjoyed it. Thank you for the six stars.
Comment from BunnyS
This is a very short story but there is a lot of content! Good job! I held my breath until Thomas found Emily... I was worried the outcome might be different. I'm so relieved that the little girl is okay. :)
Bunny
reply by the author on 17-Jul-2024
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This is a very short story but there is a lot of content! Good job! I held my breath until Thomas found Emily... I was worried the outcome might be different. I'm so relieved that the little girl is okay. :)
Bunny
Comment Written 17-Jul-2024
reply by the author on 17-Jul-2024
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Thank you, I'm really pleased that you enjoyed it.
Comment from Sanku
I got to know you from Debi's birthday poem .Happy belated birthday.
the child's point of view is dealt with verisimilitude. I liked how the brother made her promise not to tell mum, typical of brothers !! All the best.
congratulations for your incredible achievements of writing a novel at so young an age
reply by the author on 17-Jul-2024
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I got to know you from Debi's birthday poem .Happy belated birthday.
the child's point of view is dealt with verisimilitude. I liked how the brother made her promise not to tell mum, typical of brothers !! All the best.
congratulations for your incredible achievements of writing a novel at so young an age
Comment Written 17-Jul-2024
reply by the author on 17-Jul-2024
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Thank you, I'm really pleased that you enjoyed it.
Comment from Lindsey Russell
This is a sad commentary about today's world wrapped up in a fiction story. That's what's so amazing about it. You have talent. Thank you for sharing and happy writing!
reply by the author on 17-Jul-2024
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This is a sad commentary about today's world wrapped up in a fiction story. That's what's so amazing about it. You have talent. Thank you for sharing and happy writing!
Comment Written 16-Jul-2024
reply by the author on 17-Jul-2024
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Thank you, I'm pleased that you enjoyed it.
Comment from samantha0930
This is a really good story :) I think it might fit better into the horror and thriller category than mystery and crime, since it's not really the way a mystery story goes, but I supposed that's not a big deal. I'm not sure why you use apostrophes around the dialogue instead of quotation marks. I'm guessing it's just a style choice, but it throws me off a little. I like how you're using semicolons, and appreciate that you used them often and seemingly correctly :) but it felt like maybe you used it a bit too much, or it's just that you used a lot of them right away in quick succession. It might have helped if you spaced them out a little more.
reply by the author on 17-Jul-2024
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This is a really good story :) I think it might fit better into the horror and thriller category than mystery and crime, since it's not really the way a mystery story goes, but I supposed that's not a big deal. I'm not sure why you use apostrophes around the dialogue instead of quotation marks. I'm guessing it's just a style choice, but it throws me off a little. I like how you're using semicolons, and appreciate that you used them often and seemingly correctly :) but it felt like maybe you used it a bit too much, or it's just that you used a lot of them right away in quick succession. It might have helped if you spaced them out a little more.
Comment Written 16-Jul-2024
reply by the author on 17-Jul-2024
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Thank you, I'm pleased that you enjoyed it.