The Fix
Viewing comments for Chapter 19 "The Fix - Chapter Nineteen"A mother fights to prove her son's innocence
9 total reviews
Comment from Daylily
I like the way you concluded this chapter. It causes readers to think further about the story.
Another word is needed in this spot: of
I never used to want to hang around for a chat. I wish things could've been more pleasant between us at the time, but I was so angry with him for going off with someone younger than me. It made me feel like something he'd grown too tired of and he wanted to be shot of. '
(You might want to change the last part of the line into something like: he wanted to toss away.... or something similar to that in order to avoid using the word of twice close together in the same sentence. Just an observation.
reply by the author on 13-Jul-2024
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I like the way you concluded this chapter. It causes readers to think further about the story.
Another word is needed in this spot: of
I never used to want to hang around for a chat. I wish things could've been more pleasant between us at the time, but I was so angry with him for going off with someone younger than me. It made me feel like something he'd grown too tired of and he wanted to be shot of. '
(You might want to change the last part of the line into something like: he wanted to toss away.... or something similar to that in order to avoid using the word of twice close together in the same sentence. Just an observation.
Comment Written 13-Jul-2024
reply by the author on 13-Jul-2024
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Thank you, I'm pleased that you enjoyed it.
Comment from Sandra Stoner-Mitchell
Daniel doesn't have any feelings for his son now, does he? And not remembering his last conversation with Susannah, I think he knows a lot more than he's saying. I don't like him. Well done, Jacob, another excellent chapter. I've just had a look in your web page, there is certainly a lot going on in it, I'm going back to really check it all out properly. And Happy Birthday! Sandra xx
reply by the author on 13-Jul-2024
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Daniel doesn't have any feelings for his son now, does he? And not remembering his last conversation with Susannah, I think he knows a lot more than he's saying. I don't like him. Well done, Jacob, another excellent chapter. I've just had a look in your web page, there is certainly a lot going on in it, I'm going back to really check it all out properly. And Happy Birthday! Sandra xx
Comment Written 13-Jul-2024
reply by the author on 13-Jul-2024
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Thank you Sandra, I'm pleased that you enjoyed it.
Comment from Pam Lonsdale
Oh, I wish Stacey would have pressed Daniel harder on those conversations with Susannah.
I enjoyed the chat between she and Daniel even though I didn't learn much from it. Stacey needs to press people harder.
Thanks, Jacob.
xo
Pam
reply by the author on 12-Jul-2024
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Oh, I wish Stacey would have pressed Daniel harder on those conversations with Susannah.
I enjoyed the chat between she and Daniel even though I didn't learn much from it. Stacey needs to press people harder.
Thanks, Jacob.
xo
Pam
Comment Written 12-Jul-2024
reply by the author on 12-Jul-2024
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Thank you Pam, I'm pleased that you enjoyed it.
Comment from CrystieCookie999
I liked reading this chapter. The on-going day-to-day struggles of Stacey while her son is in prison for the murder of Susannah, which she is sure he is innocent of, definitely make for plenty of interest. It sounds like she is feeling more anxious than usual. Although other reviewers think Daniel's comment makes him more suspicious, I think it also replays itself in her head because if it really has been almost a year, she is probably feeling a long-term strain in her back and her heart because she has not been able to find out anything significant to this point. This is supported by the sentence here: I have to fight back the urge to tell Daniel he's wrong
Favorite line: A silence stretches out between us.
Little suggestion:
Get rid of long, run-on sentences. Keep them all brief and to the point. For example, here is where I tried shortening the wording: He frowns at me. Daniel looks like shit with heavy bags under his eyes and his hair all ruffled.
Also here:
'Oh, yeah, um, fine, Chloe's just started helping her sister out with this new business venture she's got going, she can work from home so it means she can still look after Abigail
I would say:
'Oh, yeah, um, fine. Chloe's just started helping her sister out with this new business venture she's got going. She can work from home, so it means she can still look after Abigail.'
And this sentence I believe is missing one word:
It made me feel like something he'd grown too tired and he wanted to be shot of.
I think you want to put the word 'of' after the word 'tired' there. I guess 'shot of' is a British idiom or something.
reply by the author on 12-Jul-2024
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I liked reading this chapter. The on-going day-to-day struggles of Stacey while her son is in prison for the murder of Susannah, which she is sure he is innocent of, definitely make for plenty of interest. It sounds like she is feeling more anxious than usual. Although other reviewers think Daniel's comment makes him more suspicious, I think it also replays itself in her head because if it really has been almost a year, she is probably feeling a long-term strain in her back and her heart because she has not been able to find out anything significant to this point. This is supported by the sentence here: I have to fight back the urge to tell Daniel he's wrong
Favorite line: A silence stretches out between us.
Little suggestion:
Get rid of long, run-on sentences. Keep them all brief and to the point. For example, here is where I tried shortening the wording: He frowns at me. Daniel looks like shit with heavy bags under his eyes and his hair all ruffled.
Also here:
'Oh, yeah, um, fine, Chloe's just started helping her sister out with this new business venture she's got going, she can work from home so it means she can still look after Abigail
I would say:
'Oh, yeah, um, fine. Chloe's just started helping her sister out with this new business venture she's got going. She can work from home, so it means she can still look after Abigail.'
And this sentence I believe is missing one word:
It made me feel like something he'd grown too tired and he wanted to be shot of.
I think you want to put the word 'of' after the word 'tired' there. I guess 'shot of' is a British idiom or something.
Comment Written 11-Jul-2024
reply by the author on 12-Jul-2024
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Thank you, yes it's quite common to say shot of in the UK. I'm pleased that you enjoyed it.
Comment from Debbie D'Arcy
That question about what Daniel was doing the night Susannah was murdered - it should have been imprinted on his memory, especially if the police interrogated him (did they?) I don't trust him anyway. He's snooping to find out how much Stacey knows. Or you could have thrown this in as a red herring... Another excellent chapter, Jacob. No errors found. And with your usual skill with effective dialogue. Well done! Debbie
reply by the author on 12-Jul-2024
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That question about what Daniel was doing the night Susannah was murdered - it should have been imprinted on his memory, especially if the police interrogated him (did they?) I don't trust him anyway. He's snooping to find out how much Stacey knows. Or you could have thrown this in as a red herring... Another excellent chapter, Jacob. No errors found. And with your usual skill with effective dialogue. Well done! Debbie
Comment Written 11-Jul-2024
reply by the author on 12-Jul-2024
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Thank you Debbie, I'm really pleased that you enjoyed it.
Comment from BethShelby
It seem everyone is watching her and not wanting her to explore the possibllitty that he may be innocent of killin his girlfriend. I wanted that they think she might do.
reply by the author on 12-Jul-2024
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It seem everyone is watching her and not wanting her to explore the possibllitty that he may be innocent of killin his girlfriend. I wanted that they think she might do.
Comment Written 11-Jul-2024
reply by the author on 12-Jul-2024
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Thank you Beth, I'm pleased that you enjoyed it.
Comment from barbara.wilkey
Daniel was sort of vague about the conversation with Susannah. I'm thinking there's something there that would help with Susannah death. Not sure what, but we're getting closer. I really enjoy this story.
reply by the author on 11-Jul-2024
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Daniel was sort of vague about the conversation with Susannah. I'm thinking there's something there that would help with Susannah death. Not sure what, but we're getting closer. I really enjoy this story.
Comment Written 11-Jul-2024
reply by the author on 11-Jul-2024
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Thank you Barbara, I'm pleased that you enjoyed it.
Comment from Michael Ludwinder
Well done in creating such a rich and engaging scene! Your writing brought me into into Stacey's world and I felt that strong emotional feeling from her. The tension between Stacey and Daniel is so strong! The dialogue flows naturally. I thought you did a great job of sharing Stacey's thoughts and reactions. I could feel her her struggle.
reply by the author on 11-Jul-2024
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Well done in creating such a rich and engaging scene! Your writing brought me into into Stacey's world and I felt that strong emotional feeling from her. The tension between Stacey and Daniel is so strong! The dialogue flows naturally. I thought you did a great job of sharing Stacey's thoughts and reactions. I could feel her her struggle.
Comment Written 11-Jul-2024
reply by the author on 11-Jul-2024
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Thank you Michael, I'm really pleased that you enjoyed it.
Comment from Lindsey Russell
I love this story so far and I want to read more. I'm going to follow you so I can do just that! Thanks for sharing and happy writing! Best wishes!
reply by the author on 11-Jul-2024
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I love this story so far and I want to read more. I'm going to follow you so I can do just that! Thanks for sharing and happy writing! Best wishes!
Comment Written 11-Jul-2024
reply by the author on 11-Jul-2024
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Thank you, I'm pleased that you enjoyed it.
