Dodie Rae
Viewing comments for Chapter 5 "Getting through it"A young woman unwilling to submit to abuse.
15 total reviews
Comment from Tim Margetts
OK
And today I have some time to get back to the story.
I thought the police interview was well written and I'm not sure what I expected from mama, but it fits. She wanted Dodie to scare the bejesus out of him, not kill him.
A good read. Thanks
Tim
reply by the author on 22-Nov-2024
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OK
And today I have some time to get back to the story.
I thought the police interview was well written and I'm not sure what I expected from mama, but it fits. She wanted Dodie to scare the bejesus out of him, not kill him.
A good read. Thanks
Tim
Comment Written 19-Nov-2024
reply by the author on 22-Nov-2024
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Thank you, Tim, for the excellent review. Work is consuming too much of my time at the moment. I will get more reviewing done after the weekend.
God bless,
Steve
Comment from Karen Cherry Threadgill
See, I knew Gramma did not mean for her to kill him. But Grandma was at fault for not explaining things to her. She might want to take back the essence. I think Dodie Ray might want to have a go at that officer.
Karen
reply by the author on 27-Jul-2024
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See, I knew Gramma did not mean for her to kill him. But Grandma was at fault for not explaining things to her. She might want to take back the essence. I think Dodie Ray might want to have a go at that officer.
Karen
Comment Written 27-Jul-2024
reply by the author on 27-Jul-2024
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Umm! Aren't you supposed to be resting, lol. Thank you, Karen, for hanging in there. I am stoked it keeps your attention. Did you read A SON'S LOVE, my 75 word flash fictions. The reviews are boosting my ego.
God bless,
Steve
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Sometimes, honey bunch, this is resting. :-)
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Yeah! I agree, nothing like reading to wind down, and maybe a little bourbon.
Comment from LJbutterfly
Your story is still progressing nicely with lots of mystery and suspense.
My only suggestion is that you try to use "he said," and "she said," fewer times. It can be distracting. It's best to create your dialogue so the reader knows who is speaking based on what the character is saying. Speech tags are useful at the beginning of a long monologue, or when there is a lot of conversation and you occasionally want to remind readers who is speaking.
Now, back to the story. I look forward to Dodie Rae's next adventures.
reply by the author on 12-Jul-2024
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Your story is still progressing nicely with lots of mystery and suspense.
My only suggestion is that you try to use "he said," and "she said," fewer times. It can be distracting. It's best to create your dialogue so the reader knows who is speaking based on what the character is saying. Speech tags are useful at the beginning of a long monologue, or when there is a lot of conversation and you occasionally want to remind readers who is speaking.
Now, back to the story. I look forward to Dodie Rae's next adventures.
Comment Written 09-Jul-2024
reply by the author on 12-Jul-2024
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Thank you, LJ, for this most helpful review, I wasn't entirely clear on the speech tags and will make corrections soon. Sorry for the late review, Hurricane Beryl hit our area and caused considerable damage. We just received electricity, water, WIFI and internet this morning. That was a rough time.
God bless,
Steve
Comment from jmdg1954
Woo-hoo... excellent chapter, Steve.
Seems that Bay Lynn knew the potion would change her but didn't expect murder,
I'm curious to see where this story takes me.
I loved the interjection of The Rolling Stones song (which I'll be humming for a few days),
Excellent..,
Excellent post
John
reply by the author on 12-Jul-2024
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Woo-hoo... excellent chapter, Steve.
Seems that Bay Lynn knew the potion would change her but didn't expect murder,
I'm curious to see where this story takes me.
I loved the interjection of The Rolling Stones song (which I'll be humming for a few days),
Excellent..,
Excellent post
John
Comment Written 09-Jul-2024
reply by the author on 12-Jul-2024
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Lol, Thank you, John, for this excellent review. Sorry for the delay, Hurricane Beryl hit our area hard. We just received electricity, internet and phone service this morning.
God bless
Steve
Comment from Gypsy Blue Rose
I love horror movies and a werewolf story is a lot of fun. Have you watched, "American werewolf in London? It's my favorite.
The abused wife werewolf is an interesting change. I worked as an advocate peer counselor for victims of abuse and rape for years.
Well done, Steve
reply by the author on 12-Jul-2024
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I love horror movies and a werewolf story is a lot of fun. Have you watched, "American werewolf in London? It's my favorite.
The abused wife werewolf is an interesting change. I worked as an advocate peer counselor for victims of abuse and rape for years.
Well done, Steve
Comment Written 08-Jul-2024
reply by the author on 12-Jul-2024
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Yes, and I loved it as well. My favorites are Vampires, werewolves, and witches, so The Originals (a series) is my all-time favorite as it has all three. Sorry about the delay; Hurricane Beryl hit us pretty hard. We just received electricity, internet, and phone service this morning.
God bless,
Steve
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I hope the storm will pass soon. 🙂
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Thank you, Gypsy. All that's left now is the clean-up.
Comment from Jim Wile
Very well done, Steve. I liked the interrogation with Riley behind the mirrored window speaking words he didn't think Dodie Rae could hear. I also loved Mama's shock when she realized that Dodie Rae had killed Richard. Unintended consequences for such a power.
The dialog is good, but I think you could eliminate most of the speech tags you use ("he said," "she asked," etc.) Less is more and too many interrupt the flow of the dialog. Usually it is obvious who is saying what, and if you feel the reader may lose track of who is saying what, then throw in an occasional one then. It's often good to combine this with some sort of comment or gesture like you did with this one: "Thank you," she said and sat back down.
You could probably write the following dialog sequence from your story:
"In here," Officer Carey said and watched as Dodie Rae walked over to the small table in the middle of the room.
"Have a seat," he said.
As Dodie Rae sat down, she asked. "How long will this take?"
Officer Carey sat across from her and assured her it wouldn't take too long. He pulled out a small notepad and pen.
"Let's start from when you went outside," he said. "Did you notice anyone or anything in the yard?"
"No," she said. "But I wasn't looking, you know."
"I can only imagine," he said. "Did you hear anything? Animal sounds,?growling? Anything like that?" he asked.
"No," Dodie Rae said. "Not until the window shattered. Please, don't make me relive this awful night." The pitch of her voice began to rise.
"It's going to be okay," Officer Carey said. "But we need to talk about the animal you saw," he said. "Can you do that?"
like this:
"In here," Officer Carey said and watched as Dodie Rae walked over to the small table in the middle of the room. "Have a seat."
As Dodie Rae sat down, she asked, "How long will this take?"
Officer Carey sat across from her and assured her it wouldn't take too long. He pulled out a small notepad and pen. "Let's start from when you went outside. Did you notice anyone or anything in the yard?"
"No, but I wasn't looking, you know."
"I can only imagine. Did you hear anything? Animal sounds,?growling? Anything like that?"
"No, not until the window shattered. Please, don't make me relive this awful night." The pitch of her voice began to rise.
"It's going to be okay, but we need to talk about the animal you saw. Can you do that?"
Another tip about speech tags: If there is a long sentence ending with a speech tag to identify who said it, it's better to put the speech tag in front rather than behind so the reader knows who is talking without having to wait until the end to find out. You didn't have an example here, but I just thought I would throw that in.
reply by the author on 12-Jul-2024
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Very well done, Steve. I liked the interrogation with Riley behind the mirrored window speaking words he didn't think Dodie Rae could hear. I also loved Mama's shock when she realized that Dodie Rae had killed Richard. Unintended consequences for such a power.
The dialog is good, but I think you could eliminate most of the speech tags you use ("he said," "she asked," etc.) Less is more and too many interrupt the flow of the dialog. Usually it is obvious who is saying what, and if you feel the reader may lose track of who is saying what, then throw in an occasional one then. It's often good to combine this with some sort of comment or gesture like you did with this one: "Thank you," she said and sat back down.
You could probably write the following dialog sequence from your story:
"In here," Officer Carey said and watched as Dodie Rae walked over to the small table in the middle of the room.
"Have a seat," he said.
As Dodie Rae sat down, she asked. "How long will this take?"
Officer Carey sat across from her and assured her it wouldn't take too long. He pulled out a small notepad and pen.
"Let's start from when you went outside," he said. "Did you notice anyone or anything in the yard?"
"No," she said. "But I wasn't looking, you know."
"I can only imagine," he said. "Did you hear anything? Animal sounds,?growling? Anything like that?" he asked.
"No," Dodie Rae said. "Not until the window shattered. Please, don't make me relive this awful night." The pitch of her voice began to rise.
"It's going to be okay," Officer Carey said. "But we need to talk about the animal you saw," he said. "Can you do that?"
like this:
"In here," Officer Carey said and watched as Dodie Rae walked over to the small table in the middle of the room. "Have a seat."
As Dodie Rae sat down, she asked, "How long will this take?"
Officer Carey sat across from her and assured her it wouldn't take too long. He pulled out a small notepad and pen. "Let's start from when you went outside. Did you notice anyone or anything in the yard?"
"No, but I wasn't looking, you know."
"I can only imagine. Did you hear anything? Animal sounds,?growling? Anything like that?"
"No, not until the window shattered. Please, don't make me relive this awful night." The pitch of her voice began to rise.
"It's going to be okay, but we need to talk about the animal you saw. Can you do that?"
Another tip about speech tags: If there is a long sentence ending with a speech tag to identify who said it, it's better to put the speech tag in front rather than behind so the reader knows who is talking without having to wait until the end to find out. You didn't have an example here, but I just thought I would throw that in.
Comment Written 08-Jul-2024
reply by the author on 12-Jul-2024
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Jim, you are extraordinary, my friend. Thank you for this in depth and knowledgeable review, my friend. People like you and Rachelle and countless others are what make Fanstory so freaking awesome. I made the adjustments and I see a huge difference. I apologize for the late response. Hurricane Beryl hit us hard and we just got power, water and internet back this morning.
God bless,
Steve
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Great, Steve. I'm glad this could help.
One thing I've learned from this site is to try to cut out extraneous words that can be gleaned from the context. For example:
She looked at me with a contemptuous look on her face.
"On her face" isn't necessary because where else would the contemptuous look be? Also, unless you dislike adverbs (like Stephen King seems to) you could shorten this further by saying:
She looked at me contemptuously. (5 words instead of the original 11!)
I would often use more words than needed, but part of the self-editing I do before every post is looking for words that could be cut without losing meaning. Some people go overboard with this, and their writing sounds too sparse and unrealistic, especially in dialog, so you have to strike the right balance. But it's a worthwhile goal.
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I'm okay with a few adverbs, lol, as long as one doesn't go overboard with them. I am a quick study with help such as what you offer. My issue is seeing it the same way normal folks see it. My perception is tainted without a bit of help. I will get back to reading your work once my next chapter is up and I get caught up on all the distractions.
Thank you, for being you, my friend.
Comment from Rachelle Allen
Good intrigue, and you're moving this ahead nicely, but I'm still feeling like the dialogue in the first part seems stilted. And often, you repeat the "he said" or "she said" in the same sentence. Once is plenty. After that, it's a given.
One this part, I'm putting the additions I think are necessary into parentheses because your pov is shifting. This is all supposed to be from Dodie Rae's pov, so these things you're mentioning, she couldn't possibly see. Anything between **** should be deleted.
"Uncover your face," (Dodie Rae heard) Riley **said** (say). (She imagined him) leaning forward, almost touching the mirror, willing her to comply. "I know what I saw; show me, dammit!"
**After pouring coffee into a small Styrofoam cup, Officer Carey left Riley alone and returned to the interview room,** (Office Carey returned to the interview room and) **where he** placed (a small styrofoam) **the** cup in front of Dodie Rae.
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reply by the author on 08-Jul-2024
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Good intrigue, and you're moving this ahead nicely, but I'm still feeling like the dialogue in the first part seems stilted. And often, you repeat the "he said" or "she said" in the same sentence. Once is plenty. After that, it's a given.
One this part, I'm putting the additions I think are necessary into parentheses because your pov is shifting. This is all supposed to be from Dodie Rae's pov, so these things you're mentioning, she couldn't possibly see. Anything between **** should be deleted.
"Uncover your face," (Dodie Rae heard) Riley **said** (say). (She imagined him) leaning forward, almost touching the mirror, willing her to comply. "I know what I saw; show me, dammit!"
**After pouring coffee into a small Styrofoam cup, Officer Carey left Riley alone and returned to the interview room,** (Office Carey returned to the interview room and) **where he** placed (a small styrofoam) **the** cup in front of Dodie Rae.
:
Comment Written 07-Jul-2024
reply by the author on 08-Jul-2024
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Thank you, Rachelle, I will eventually get the hang of this. Right now, we are under tornado and Tropical storm warnings as Beryle is close to making landfall. Depending on the severity of this storm we may be without power for a while. Will get back on as soon as I'm able.
God bless,
Steve
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Yikes. Good luck!!
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We survived! It was an ordeal; we just got power, water, and internet back this morning. I made the speech tag revisions today. I will be heading to work soon, but I will work on the next chapter before I go.
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Glad you're okay again!!
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Thank you, Rachelle. I'm working on the next chapter, but I don't be ready by Sunday. My vacation starts Monday, and I plan on knocking out as many as I can during those nine days.
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Great!
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Chapter six is ready, lol.
Comment from barbara.wilkey
Thank you for sharing this addition to your story with us. I can't wait to read more. I am guessing that Dodie Rae is shape shifting, is that correct? I enjoyed reading and this is a good write.
reply by the author on 08-Jul-2024
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Thank you for sharing this addition to your story with us. I can't wait to read more. I am guessing that Dodie Rae is shape shifting, is that correct? I enjoyed reading and this is a good write.
Comment Written 07-Jul-2024
reply by the author on 08-Jul-2024
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Thank you, Barbara, for the excellent review. We are under tornado and tropical storm issues and depending on the outcome, I may not be on for a couple of days.
God bless,
Steve
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I'm curious where you live. I'm in Texas. My youngest son, Steven is in Victoria, and is under a few weather watches. We encouraged him to come home, because we're farther inland, but he said, he needed to learn how to handle tropical storms. Boys don't always make good choices, but he's an adult.
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Barbara, Beryl ended up coming in as a Hurricane. We live in Magnolia, and he hit us hard. There was a lot of damage, and trees were down. We just got power, water, and internet back this morning. We used to hunt in Edna, Texas about 25 miles east of Victoria. Hope he faired well with the storm. I had my mother and nephew with me, we won't sit through another one, too intense.
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Barbara, Beryl ended up coming in as a Hurricane. We live in Magnolia, and he hit us hard. There was a lot of damage, and trees were down. We just got power, water, and internet back this morning. We used to hunt in Edna, Texas about 25 miles east of Victoria. Hope he faired well with the storm. I had my mother and nephew with me, we won't sit through another one, too intense.
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Barbara, Beryl ended up coming in as a Hurricane. We live in Magnolia, and he hit us hard. There was a lot of damage, and trees were down. We just got power, water, and internet back this morning. We used to hunt in Edna, Texas about 25 miles east of Victoria. Hope he faired well with the storm. I had my mother and nephew with me, we won't sit through another one, too intense.
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Barbara, Beryl ended up coming in as a Hurricane. We live in Magnolia, and he hit us hard. There was a lot of damage, and trees were down. We just got power, water, and internet back this morning. We used to hunt in Edna, Texas about 25 miles east of Victoria. Hope he faired well with the storm. I had my mother and nephew with me, we won't sit through another one, too intense.
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Steven said they only received a little rain. They were lucky. My prayers are with you and your family.
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Thank you for the prayers, barbara. I happy he only got the rain and hope he doesn't think they're all like this one. Stay on him (even though he's an adult) about being vigilant. A lot of people in Houston lost their lives to fallen trees.
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I thought about that. The next one might we horrible. I understand that's what happened in New Orleans a few years back. I think it was with Katrina. Nobody paid attention, because previously everything was mild.
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Yes, Katrina was devastating for New Orleans. We need to stay vigilant and not let our guard down.
Comment from Sandra Stoner-Mitchell
So Bay Lynn knew she would turn, but didn't expect her to kill Richard. But I didn't think you could control your actions once you turn into a wolf. Perhaps it was because she still had her human torso. Only her face and hands changed. Well, I'm really into this now. I'll be watching for more. Well done! :) Sandra xx
reply by the author on 07-Jul-2024
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So Bay Lynn knew she would turn, but didn't expect her to kill Richard. But I didn't think you could control your actions once you turn into a wolf. Perhaps it was because she still had her human torso. Only her face and hands changed. Well, I'm really into this now. I'll be watching for more. Well done! :) Sandra xx
Comment Written 07-Jul-2024
reply by the author on 07-Jul-2024
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Thank you for another excellent review, Sandra. This is going to be one crazy ride as it progresses.
God bless,
Steve
Comment from Steve Foreman
A great chapter, I am a fan of horror and love twisting tradition and mixing up old fables with a modern twist. You do this well, and it is developing into a great story.
(If you don't mimd me saying, You may just want to revisit some punctuation, escpecially in the characters dialogue.)
reply by the author on 07-Jul-2024
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A great chapter, I am a fan of horror and love twisting tradition and mixing up old fables with a modern twist. You do this well, and it is developing into a great story.
(If you don't mimd me saying, You may just want to revisit some punctuation, escpecially in the characters dialogue.)
Comment Written 07-Jul-2024
reply by the author on 07-Jul-2024
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I don't mind at all, Steve, this helps me and I greatly appreciate it, my friend. Thank you for this, excellent review.
God bless,
Steve
