Greed
How much is enough?18 total reviews
Comment from barbara.wilkey
There is absolutely nothing wrong with your flow or your rhyming scheme. I have a feeling I've been reviewing too much this afternoon and need to take a break. Thank you for sharing this entry. Good luck with the contes.
reply by the author on 14-Aug-2024
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There is absolutely nothing wrong with your flow or your rhyming scheme. I have a feeling I've been reviewing too much this afternoon and need to take a break. Thank you for sharing this entry. Good luck with the contes.
Comment Written 13-Aug-2024
reply by the author on 14-Aug-2024
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Thank you, Barbara. Go ahead, take a break, but remember it's still too early to have a drink. =)
Comment from Karen Cherry Threadgill
Since you asked:
Seed of discontent in his mind, 8 syllables
This is an incomplete thought
Should be: Seeds of discontent are in his mind. 9 syllables
muscles strain, he tries to find. 7 syllables
What does that mean? There are no muscles in the brain. He tries to find what? From where?
No answers are there for him to find. 9 syllables
Struggling forth to further store, 8 syllables
What does this mean?
He looks for meaning the clues are thin 9 syllables
unearthing deeper beneath the core.9 syllables
This is actually a good sentence but I couldn't find stuff to rhyme with it.
If there was a contest, he didn't win. 9 syllables
Seed of discontent in his mind,
muscles strain, he tries to find.
Struggling forth to further store,
unearthing deeper beneath the core.
Changed to:
Seeds of discontent are in his mind
There are no answers for him to find
He looks for meaning the clues are thin
If there was a contest he didn't win
When I came here I knew only short stories myself.
I knew basically zip about poetry. It is an entirely different ball of wax. I am learning all kinds of things here. Most of the folks here are nice and helpful. I love the little poems like haiku. How to write so much with so little. I am glad you did not take out a "Karen" doll and stick pins in it. You can ask me anything, and if I do not have the answer, I probably know someone who will. :-)
Have a good week. Karen
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
reply by the author on 08-Jul-2024
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Since you asked:
Seed of discontent in his mind, 8 syllables
This is an incomplete thought
Should be: Seeds of discontent are in his mind. 9 syllables
muscles strain, he tries to find. 7 syllables
What does that mean? There are no muscles in the brain. He tries to find what? From where?
No answers are there for him to find. 9 syllables
Struggling forth to further store, 8 syllables
What does this mean?
He looks for meaning the clues are thin 9 syllables
unearthing deeper beneath the core.9 syllables
This is actually a good sentence but I couldn't find stuff to rhyme with it.
If there was a contest, he didn't win. 9 syllables
Seed of discontent in his mind,
muscles strain, he tries to find.
Struggling forth to further store,
unearthing deeper beneath the core.
Changed to:
Seeds of discontent are in his mind
There are no answers for him to find
He looks for meaning the clues are thin
If there was a contest he didn't win
When I came here I knew only short stories myself.
I knew basically zip about poetry. It is an entirely different ball of wax. I am learning all kinds of things here. Most of the folks here are nice and helpful. I love the little poems like haiku. How to write so much with so little. I am glad you did not take out a "Karen" doll and stick pins in it. You can ask me anything, and if I do not have the answer, I probably know someone who will. :-)
Have a good week. Karen
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 08-Jul-2024
reply by the author on 08-Jul-2024
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Thank you, Karen, for your review. I value your comments. You were honest and took the time to make me understand, and for that, you deserve a six.
I have been writing for a long time and have been published by publishing houses but mostly for short stories and 4 books. Although I have one poem published, poetry is a new game for me, and I mostly write free-verse poems. Greed was one poem where I tried rhyming (aabb scheme) for the rhyming contest.
I tried reading it loud but to me it sounded okay (the flow rolled off the tongue-- don't know much about metric). I wish you had taken one of my stanzas and shown me where it didn't rhyme. If you can show me where I am going off track, I would really appreciate it. If not, I will understand.
Thank you for your review.
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Go look I did that for you. Hope it helps. :-) Karen
Comment from Michael Ludwinder
I thought this was so powerful. Your imagery paints a clear picture of a man trapped by his desires, unable to find fulfillment despite all his material gains. The concluding lines are particularly impactful. Great job - this was so enjoyable to read.
reply by the author on 01-Jul-2024
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I thought this was so powerful. Your imagery paints a clear picture of a man trapped by his desires, unable to find fulfillment despite all his material gains. The concluding lines are particularly impactful. Great job - this was so enjoyable to read.
Comment Written 29-Jun-2024
reply by the author on 01-Jul-2024
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Thank you, Michael.
Comment from Liliana Tricks
Your poem really delves into the complexities of human nature, showcasing the consequences of prioritizing material wealth over emotional well-being and genuine connections. It's a poignant reflection on the pitfalls of chasing superficial goals and neglecting the true essence of life, relationships and real happiness.
reply by the author on 01-Jul-2024
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Your poem really delves into the complexities of human nature, showcasing the consequences of prioritizing material wealth over emotional well-being and genuine connections. It's a poignant reflection on the pitfalls of chasing superficial goals and neglecting the true essence of life, relationships and real happiness.
Comment Written 29-Jun-2024
reply by the author on 01-Jul-2024
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Thank you, Liliana for your kind review. Much appreciated.
Comment from Esther Brown
Virtual six. The unending desire to have more of what life offers is a bottomless pit. I was once married to a very ambitious man. I could never reach the epitome of being a good wife, arm decoration, or whatever it was that he needed. The rewards are in the joy of giving not accumulating. Esther
reply by the author on 29-Jun-2024
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Virtual six. The unending desire to have more of what life offers is a bottomless pit. I was once married to a very ambitious man. I could never reach the epitome of being a good wife, arm decoration, or whatever it was that he needed. The rewards are in the joy of giving not accumulating. Esther
Comment Written 29-Jun-2024
reply by the author on 29-Jun-2024
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Esther, I was wondering where you were? Thank you much for your review. Take care, my friend.
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I have been on vacation. We took our Harley Trike and tent trailer camping on a rally. Saw northern WA, Idaho, Wyoming and I would move to Idaho small town in the mountains. Daisy our dog was not a happy girl, got a sunburnt tongue. I will catch up with everyone tomorrow.
Comment from Cindy Decker 3
Shanbreen,
Your exceptional poem epitomizes the greed some people have for more, at a dear cost.
As I read, I thought of some people in our country who want more, sometimes those who have opulence.
I like the ending, a wake up call for people you portray.
The first paragraph of your author's notes furthers your point.
Apt photo!
Good luck in the contest.
Cindy
reply by the author on 29-Jun-2024
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Shanbreen,
Your exceptional poem epitomizes the greed some people have for more, at a dear cost.
As I read, I thought of some people in our country who want more, sometimes those who have opulence.
I like the ending, a wake up call for people you portray.
The first paragraph of your author's notes furthers your point.
Apt photo!
Good luck in the contest.
Cindy
Comment Written 28-Jun-2024
reply by the author on 29-Jun-2024
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Thank you, Cindy, for your kind review.
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You?re welcome.☺️
Comment from Begin Again
What a shame that some people acquire a mindset that makes them think that the more they have, the better they are. As they climb the ladder, they lose sight of anything right and just and are blinded by what they see as the pot at the end of the rainbow. Truly sad!
Hugs, Carol
reply by the author on 27-Jun-2024
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What a shame that some people acquire a mindset that makes them think that the more they have, the better they are. As they climb the ladder, they lose sight of anything right and just and are blinded by what they see as the pot at the end of the rainbow. Truly sad!
Hugs, Carol
Comment Written 27-Jun-2024
reply by the author on 27-Jun-2024
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Thanks Carol.Appreciate your review.
Comment from Rachelle Allen
Dearest Shanbreen ~
This was a terrific poem. So much so, in fact, that it needed NO explanations/Author's Notes whatsoever. You made your points vividly with every line and new stanza. Trust us, your readers, to accept your words in the way you're offering them up to us. (Please know that this is said with respect and admiration of your talent. It is NOT a rebuke in any way or a snide comment. I very much liked what you posted, every word of it.)
My favorite line is: He awakens, eyes closed. That was the gist of it all, right there. He doesn't "get it" until he's lying there, near death. I bet that happens to far too many of us!
This is my first time reading and reviewing you, but I promise it won't be my last. I like your style and talent! xo
reply by the author on 27-Jun-2024
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Dearest Shanbreen ~
This was a terrific poem. So much so, in fact, that it needed NO explanations/Author's Notes whatsoever. You made your points vividly with every line and new stanza. Trust us, your readers, to accept your words in the way you're offering them up to us. (Please know that this is said with respect and admiration of your talent. It is NOT a rebuke in any way or a snide comment. I very much liked what you posted, every word of it.)
My favorite line is: He awakens, eyes closed. That was the gist of it all, right there. He doesn't "get it" until he's lying there, near death. I bet that happens to far too many of us!
This is my first time reading and reviewing you, but I promise it won't be my last. I like your style and talent! xo
Comment Written 26-Jun-2024
reply by the author on 27-Jun-2024
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Thank you, Rachelle. I don?t like to write explanations, but one reviewer thought it helped her especially for philosophical and comment poems. By the same token, one of my friends thought I should continue because it does no harm. Just the same, I value your opinion.
Once again, thank you so much for your wonderful review. BTW, you never have to worry about your comment being a rebuke or a snide remark. I love when people give me constructive criticism . You never have to worry about that.
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Same. I trust that people who cared enough to review my work are entitled to tell me their honest thoughts, and I welcome them. I'm so glad you took my review in the spirit in which it was offered. xoxo
Comment from Ulla
Hi there, your poem really shows the peril of unfettered greed. But one day the bubble will burst and then what? This is an excellent poem for the contest. I wish you all the best. Ulla:)))
reply by the author on 27-Jun-2024
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Hi there, your poem really shows the peril of unfettered greed. But one day the bubble will burst and then what? This is an excellent poem for the contest. I wish you all the best. Ulla:)))
Comment Written 26-Jun-2024
reply by the author on 27-Jun-2024
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Thanks Ulla for your kind comments.
Comment from Mintybee
This poem shows the progressive effect of greed on a life very well. The unrepentant ending suites the main character's lifestyle. Thanks for sharing your work.
Mintybee
reply by the author on 27-Jun-2024
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This poem shows the progressive effect of greed on a life very well. The unrepentant ending suites the main character's lifestyle. Thanks for sharing your work.
Mintybee
Comment Written 26-Jun-2024
reply by the author on 27-Jun-2024
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Thank you for your kind review.
