Love Honor and a Mail Order Bride
Viewing comments for Chapter 9 "Dark Horizon"Indian girl vies for the heart of a homesteader
11 total reviews
Comment from BethShelby
It is always good to find you have posed a chapter. I enjoy reading you work. It sounds like Luke has got himself one lady too many in his life. He wad alredy falling for the half-Indian and now this lady has a wanted poster out on her. She seems like she had no choice in what she did and she and her child needs his help. I'm wondering out this will play out.
reply by the author on 29-May-2024
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It is always good to find you have posed a chapter. I enjoy reading you work. It sounds like Luke has got himself one lady too many in his life. He wad alredy falling for the half-Indian and now this lady has a wanted poster out on her. She seems like she had no choice in what she did and she and her child needs his help. I'm wondering out this will play out.
Comment Written 29-May-2024
reply by the author on 29-May-2024
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Thanks so much for your in-depth comments. Humbly appreciated.
Comment from lyenochka
Great job in telling this part of Luke's story. You show us what a kind and good character Luke has. He didn't abandon Ruth, and is already very fatherly to Anna. But he definitely knows his heart is tied to Aiyana.
reply by the author on 28-May-2024
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Great job in telling this part of Luke's story. You show us what a kind and good character Luke has. He didn't abandon Ruth, and is already very fatherly to Anna. But he definitely knows his heart is tied to Aiyana.
Comment Written 27-May-2024
reply by the author on 28-May-2024
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Thanks so much for this...
Comment from CrystieCookie999
Six stars for content! And luckily other reviewers pointed out things that look like they have been fixed. I only saw a little thing:
It's a might like being seasick on dry land."
You want to change 'might' to 'mite' to mean something small.
reply by the author on 27-May-2024
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Six stars for content! And luckily other reviewers pointed out things that look like they have been fixed. I only saw a little thing:
It's a might like being seasick on dry land."
You want to change 'might' to 'mite' to mean something small.
Comment Written 27-May-2024
reply by the author on 27-May-2024
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Thanks, Crystie! I changed it.
Comment from Liz O'Neill
This setting could be a foreshadowing. "sinister clouds gathered over the mountains in the west. At first the winds were a welcome relief with a drop in temperature. But as Luke marshalled the wagon across the foothills, windswept dirt and grass stung his face. This will draw the reader in: "As he walked past the jail house on his way toward the barn, his eye caught a wanted poster. It looked like the spitting image of Ruth Thompson"
reply by the author on 27-May-2024
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This setting could be a foreshadowing. "sinister clouds gathered over the mountains in the west. At first the winds were a welcome relief with a drop in temperature. But as Luke marshalled the wagon across the foothills, windswept dirt and grass stung his face. This will draw the reader in: "As he walked past the jail house on his way toward the barn, his eye caught a wanted poster. It looked like the spitting image of Ruth Thompson"
Comment Written 26-May-2024
reply by the author on 27-May-2024
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Appreciate that you signaled parts you liked or resonated. Yes, and I love foreshadowing aspects.
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I love foreshadowing also. It's one of my favorite literary techniques.
Comment from Soledadpaz
Imagery is well done. Reader gets the sense of the danger posed both by the storm and the fear of being found. The uncertainty of being safe. A little confusing at the end. Are there two characters named Anna? The child and someone else?
A few thoughts:
He thought she might puke(,) but (she) managed to hold it.
Suggest: She'd done her best so far not to appear (too) brittle or frail for a homesteader's life.
Not sure if she is a fugitive's wife, but if she is, perhaps: She gave no impression of being a fugitive's wife.
Suggest delete: Meanwhile
Suggest: Sinister clouds gathered over the mountains in the west, (as they drew) closer to the Rocky Mountain range and within (sight) of the town.
No cap on Horses. Perhaps: . . . but he (guided) them headlong . . .
Perhaps: Luke nodded(.)
Perhaps: The rain formed a dark curtain.
Suggest: Luke (drove) the hoses hard . . .
Suggest: A friend of his took the horse-drawn carriage under the cover of the barn with a loping stride.
Or: With a loping stride, a friend of his took . . .
Perhaps: painted ladies (walked the halls.)
The (dimly) lit room
Typo: eaves
Very interesting story.
Sol
reply by the author on 27-May-2024
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Imagery is well done. Reader gets the sense of the danger posed both by the storm and the fear of being found. The uncertainty of being safe. A little confusing at the end. Are there two characters named Anna? The child and someone else?
A few thoughts:
He thought she might puke(,) but (she) managed to hold it.
Suggest: She'd done her best so far not to appear (too) brittle or frail for a homesteader's life.
Not sure if she is a fugitive's wife, but if she is, perhaps: She gave no impression of being a fugitive's wife.
Suggest delete: Meanwhile
Suggest: Sinister clouds gathered over the mountains in the west, (as they drew) closer to the Rocky Mountain range and within (sight) of the town.
No cap on Horses. Perhaps: . . . but he (guided) them headlong . . .
Perhaps: Luke nodded(.)
Perhaps: The rain formed a dark curtain.
Suggest: Luke (drove) the hoses hard . . .
Suggest: A friend of his took the horse-drawn carriage under the cover of the barn with a loping stride.
Or: With a loping stride, a friend of his took . . .
Perhaps: painted ladies (walked the halls.)
The (dimly) lit room
Typo: eaves
Very interesting story.
Sol
Comment Written 26-May-2024
reply by the author on 27-May-2024
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Thanks Sol. It's always good to hear from you and appreciate the kind review. And I certainly welcome your keen editing help.
Comment from royowen
What a turn up for the man who has a mail order bride, and her daughter, but not only that but discovers a wanted poster for Ruth, his mail order bride, boy this is now complicated, beautifully written Stan, blessings Roy
Typo : his mind raced up the mountain toward (Anna) the half Indian girl?
reply by the author on 27-May-2024
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What a turn up for the man who has a mail order bride, and her daughter, but not only that but discovers a wanted poster for Ruth, his mail order bride, boy this is now complicated, beautifully written Stan, blessings Roy
Typo : his mind raced up the mountain toward (Anna) the half Indian girl?
Comment Written 26-May-2024
reply by the author on 27-May-2024
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Yes, and if only I can remember how to untie all the knots I create by the end. LOL. Blessings, joy.
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You will
Comment from patcelaw
This is very well written and I enjoyed listening to it very much. Your sentence structure your paragraphing and your presentation are all very well done. May you have a blessed day and may God bless you in all of your endeavors. Patricia .
reply by the author on 27-May-2024
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This is very well written and I enjoyed listening to it very much. Your sentence structure your paragraphing and your presentation are all very well done. May you have a blessed day and may God bless you in all of your endeavors. Patricia .
Comment Written 26-May-2024
reply by the author on 27-May-2024
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Thanks so much Pat
Comment from Ben Colder
Now we have a poster that brings questions. As always you do good job writing these westerns. Eat your heart out, Louiie La. More. Good one, Bro. No, I am staying until I finish my story.
reply by the author on 27-May-2024
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Now we have a poster that brings questions. As always you do good job writing these westerns. Eat your heart out, Louiie La. More. Good one, Bro. No, I am staying until I finish my story.
Comment Written 26-May-2024
reply by the author on 27-May-2024
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Thanks again bro. Louiie La. More has such staying power. And as you said once, "He achieved success without vulgarity."
Comment from davisr (Rhonda)
A great chapter, Stan. A bit of danger for Ruth and Anna. Luke showed up in time to keep them safe. They thought to have left danger behind, but an unfortunate poster was up identifying Ruth, so the danger found them anyway. Luke decides to bunk with them to keep them safe, while thinking about Anna and what she might be up to.
Take care,
Rhonda
reply by the author on 27-May-2024
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A great chapter, Stan. A bit of danger for Ruth and Anna. Luke showed up in time to keep them safe. They thought to have left danger behind, but an unfortunate poster was up identifying Ruth, so the danger found them anyway. Luke decides to bunk with them to keep them safe, while thinking about Anna and what she might be up to.
Take care,
Rhonda
Comment Written 25-May-2024
reply by the author on 27-May-2024
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Thanks Rhonda! Appreciate you stopping by and the kindness of words.
Comment from lancellot
An interesting chapter. I will have to go back to see what led to this.
notes:
Wait, what happened to the guy at the door?
As Luke drifted to sleep, his mind raced up the mountain toward Anna.
- I take it, there are two people named Anna.
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
reply by the author on 27-May-2024
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An interesting chapter. I will have to go back to see what led to this.
notes:
Wait, what happened to the guy at the door?
As Luke drifted to sleep, his mind raced up the mountain toward Anna.
- I take it, there are two people named Anna.
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 25-May-2024
reply by the author on 27-May-2024
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Yes, that was a mistake at the end. I may have to change Anna versus Aiyana names Luke finds himself in a pickle between an Indian maiden and a mail order bride.
