Kyle made a big mistake
Kyle partied a bit too much and goes to the slammer6 total reviews
Comment from Karen Cherry Threadgill
A nineteen year old kid as a wiseass who then wets his pants, you lost me there. Before then, it was like a bad teenager dream. The ending was too quick and wasn't consistent with what went before. Drop the wetting of pants. Have him saying "Dad will take the car away now!" that would work. Karen
reply by the author on 15-Apr-2024
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A nineteen year old kid as a wiseass who then wets his pants, you lost me there. Before then, it was like a bad teenager dream. The ending was too quick and wasn't consistent with what went before. Drop the wetting of pants. Have him saying "Dad will take the car away now!" that would work. Karen
Comment Written 15-Apr-2024
reply by the author on 15-Apr-2024
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Thanks!
Comment from Brenda Strauser
I enjoyed reading your story. I could follow the story easily.
Very well written. Good imagination. Very good job.
Nineteen years old and in jail is pretty scary. I know this is fiction. But I've known people that age who went to jail.
reply by the author on 15-Apr-2024
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I enjoyed reading your story. I could follow the story easily.
Very well written. Good imagination. Very good job.
Nineteen years old and in jail is pretty scary. I know this is fiction. But I've known people that age who went to jail.
Comment Written 14-Apr-2024
reply by the author on 15-Apr-2024
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Thank you.
Comment from jessizero
You did a great job with the slamming door writing prompt. "My dad is going to kill me" is a great last line. Thank you for sharing, and best wishes to you.
reply by the author on 14-Apr-2024
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You did a great job with the slamming door writing prompt. "My dad is going to kill me" is a great last line. Thank you for sharing, and best wishes to you.
Comment Written 14-Apr-2024
reply by the author on 14-Apr-2024
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Thank you!
Comment from CornishChick
This story has huge potential. I hope you will receive a few tweaks from me to make this piece even BETTER:
The opening hook is a little awkward.
1. You don't need to tell the reader the MC is wearing cuffs AND say his movement is restricted. Let the reader feel the frustration of the situation.
2. Walls is plural. Wall's denotes ownership. This a an all-too-common error creeping into writing everywhere now.
3. "Bruce rang the bell". He wouldn't be "Bruce" to the MC. He would be Officer... last name.
4. "The officer didn't say a word". That's a little weak. Show the contempt rather than tell it. For example, "with a gleam in his eye he slammed the door shut..."
5. Loved the ending of the wet pants. Personally, I'd leave it right there. Last words...wet pants. Says it all!!
Great job! Keep scribbling!
reply by the author on 14-Apr-2024
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This story has huge potential. I hope you will receive a few tweaks from me to make this piece even BETTER:
The opening hook is a little awkward.
1. You don't need to tell the reader the MC is wearing cuffs AND say his movement is restricted. Let the reader feel the frustration of the situation.
2. Walls is plural. Wall's denotes ownership. This a an all-too-common error creeping into writing everywhere now.
3. "Bruce rang the bell". He wouldn't be "Bruce" to the MC. He would be Officer... last name.
4. "The officer didn't say a word". That's a little weak. Show the contempt rather than tell it. For example, "with a gleam in his eye he slammed the door shut..."
5. Loved the ending of the wet pants. Personally, I'd leave it right there. Last words...wet pants. Says it all!!
Great job! Keep scribbling!
Comment Written 13-Apr-2024
reply by the author on 14-Apr-2024
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Thank you for your thoughts!
Comment from royowen
Whatever possesses guys, or gals, to hit a police officer, it would be tantamount to sheer lunacy, and that's what booze or drugs can do to one, beautifully written, kids think they are grown, sheesh, beautifully written, good luck, blessings Roy
Typo : great(,) let him go.
reply by the author on 14-Apr-2024
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Whatever possesses guys, or gals, to hit a police officer, it would be tantamount to sheer lunacy, and that's what booze or drugs can do to one, beautifully written, kids think they are grown, sheesh, beautifully written, good luck, blessings Roy
Typo : great(,) let him go.
Comment Written 13-Apr-2024
reply by the author on 14-Apr-2024
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Thank you!!!
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Welcome
Comment from LJbutterfly
I've included a few small edits, but basically you have a very interesting story that begins with the appropriate sentence, and flows smoothly to a surprising ending. Best wishes in the contest.
Edits:
The walls with it's semi-gloss (The walls [plural] with 'their' semi-gloss, OR The 'wall' [singular] with its semi-gloss)
Remove the apostrophe from the word its. With the apostrophe, it's is a contraction for - it is.
I must of been pretty (I must 'have' been)
reply by the author on 14-Apr-2024
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I've included a few small edits, but basically you have a very interesting story that begins with the appropriate sentence, and flows smoothly to a surprising ending. Best wishes in the contest.
Edits:
The walls with it's semi-gloss (The walls [plural] with 'their' semi-gloss, OR The 'wall' [singular] with its semi-gloss)
Remove the apostrophe from the word its. With the apostrophe, it's is a contraction for - it is.
I must of been pretty (I must 'have' been)
Comment Written 13-Apr-2024
reply by the author on 14-Apr-2024
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Thank you for your help!!
