Songs of Recovery
Viewing comments for Chapter 23 "Thank You Notes"A collection of poems around healing.
2 total reviews
Comment from robyn corum
KO!!
Hey, dudette! How are you? It's really cool to see you still here and jamming it up. Yay!
Now, I gotta tell you - I have no clue regarding the situation prompting these beautiful, kind letters of encouragement and thanks - but they scare me a little. Are you okay? What's up? JIC, I hope you won't mind, but I'm sending up a quick, heartfelt prayer on your behalf - and of course, including all the folks that matter in your life.
Now, below, you're gonna find some notes -- Why? Because you may remember I love fiddling with everyone's stuff! hahaha! I always hope to offer something meaningful -- but mostly, I think I just end up in trouble. --sigh-- Let me also tell you -- honest -- I probably spent about two hours or way longer!!-- on this piece!!!! It was insane. I've got my 2yo grandgirl here and so, between her and her needs and all the divisions and trying to REFIND my place and then my crazy old self... well, you see what I mean. hahaha!
I think most of the notes are pretty subjective -- so you're welcome to stop here and not even read any further if you prefer. *smile* Otherwise...
Christine:
1.) A brief note of appreciation, as we are blind
To one's own good, as the eye can't see itself:
--> I'm a little puzzled about why you'd start out on a familiar basis ('WE are blind'), then switch to the more formal, impersonal tone with your reference to ("one's own good"). Consider:
--> A brief note of appreciation, since we're often most blind
to our best and most positive personality traits. (Thought I'm sure you can do much better. --wink--)
--> PS. This is SO true, unfortunately! I think every one of us could make a lengthy, detailed list of every single fault we have - going back to our earliest moments in life... but ask us about positive things? Complete blank. Ha!
1a.) To one's own good, as the eye can't see itself:
--> wouldn't this kinda be redundant to the being "blind" part?
2.) offering them shelter from inclement weathers
--> maybe the 's' on weather is not necessary... AND perhaps, leaving it off will provide an upgraded sense of assonance...what do you think?
2.) and (a) respite from (such) isolation few can breach.
3.) the companionship and wisdom that you offer,
--> can you chuck that 'that'?
3.) You may see this as petty, but I caution you to be sure you watch for EVERY opportunity to toss nothing/"fill-in" words in favor of vivid, hard-working ones. Example:
--> "even if you may not see the scope of your safe harbor," (to:)
--> even if you may not see the (grace /favor/kindness/etc) of your safe harbor,
--> Of course, I can't be sure what you intend here by 'scope', so it may be the exact word you need and want--but take a look at the definition I immediately pulled up: "the extent of the area or subject-matter that something deals with or to which it is relevant."
3a.) more (nit-picking) examples:
--> "and the comfort you give born of understanding." (to:)
--> and calm/serene comfort you give born of understanding.
--> which might be wordy, but you get the idea. *smile* You can often go back and replace simple words like this ('the') with a word that pops with imagery and voice.
3b.) "the clarity of kindness translated into right action"
--> 'right' doesn't move the reader much, yeah? This would be another opportunity for a harder-working word...
4.) I wonder if you might consider switching the last two lines? Not only because the one referring to you and the patients (first one) seems to go perfectly with advocating (last one), but also because the safe harbor bit (middle) would make a more dramatic close, I think.
4a.) or the way we know you advocate for our well(-)being.
--> need a hyphen, please
***
Nancy,
1.) I think you do not know the measure of your good:
--> I'm afraid you do not know...
--> I do not think you know...
1a.) 'the measure of your good' sounds a bit awkward to my ear (sorry!). Have you considered anything like 'the measure of your worth'? or similar? (Of course, keep in mind that we live in different places and probably speak a bit differently...)
2.) (when) you have said, "I don't know, but I am here",
3.) the best antidote to the isolating drought of pain(.)
--> it does occur to me you are using 'drought' to indicate another cool metaphor for pain. MY issue with that is that the descriptive word you use with it happens to be 'isolating' -- which doesn't make me feel, see, touch, taste... very drought-ish...know what I mean? Consider ... idk... withering...?
4.) As a side note--it may not matter as much here-- (certainly not as much as in a prose piece) and I know you already know this -- but in practice, you mostly want to lose as many of those '-ing' AND '-ly' words as possible. In general, they're going to veer your writing off the hopping and bopping, active pathway and onto the LESS-active lane. They may not always appear totally 'passive', but they're headed in that direction. This is just a little tip to stick in your pocket -- (though I'm pretty sure I you definitely already know this -- actually, I would think you have already heard everything I could even say here. *smile*)
***
Anne:
1.) which takes the hearts of all those who suffer
--> HUZZAH! Hurray!! Thank you SO MUCH! for using 'who' when referring to humans. *smile* Nice job!!
2.) and little by little, the healing creeps its way in.
--> really well said-and definitely a GIFT!
***
Mark:
1.) "which blooms in dark times fields of tender mercies"
--> this picture you're creating is a bit blurry (consider:)
--> which makes fields bloom in dark times through tender mercies (just a starter)
2.) yet you practice daily what the (r)est preach.
3.) or realize the shadows shrink with your passing.
--> how sweet is that??!!! YUM!!!!
***
Andrea
1.) You move through the world with such tenderness(:)
2.) a gardener coaxing downtrodden plants to bloom,
--> wonderful metaphor!
3.) and so healing follows in your wake like flowers,
--> no comma
--> this (and what follows) is all one thought, so there's no need for commas (right?)
4.) after a forest fire, turn their faces towards the dawn.
--> delete comma
--> ...forest fire that turn...
--> ...forest fire turning their...
--> so, all together:
and so healing follows in your wake(,) like flowers
after a forest fire twisting their faces toward dawn.
***
Would you believe that's all I got? I mean, I could go back and look AGAIN, but... I guess that'll do, right? For now? At least it'll let you know I'm back. hahahaha! Please don't scream and holler -- even all the way over here, I have really sensitive ears.
Hope you do find something useful, for real. So good to see you -- and I'm also keeping my fingers crossed that you're okay. PLEASE let me know asap??
Hugs--
Oh, yeah! Since almost every one of these notes is entirely subjective, I cannot find it in my big, ole, generous, loving heart to reduce the rating. --wink-- Have a groovy week! - robyn
reply by the author on 10-Apr-2024
  |
KO!!
Hey, dudette! How are you? It's really cool to see you still here and jamming it up. Yay!
Now, I gotta tell you - I have no clue regarding the situation prompting these beautiful, kind letters of encouragement and thanks - but they scare me a little. Are you okay? What's up? JIC, I hope you won't mind, but I'm sending up a quick, heartfelt prayer on your behalf - and of course, including all the folks that matter in your life.
Now, below, you're gonna find some notes -- Why? Because you may remember I love fiddling with everyone's stuff! hahaha! I always hope to offer something meaningful -- but mostly, I think I just end up in trouble. --sigh-- Let me also tell you -- honest -- I probably spent about two hours or way longer!!-- on this piece!!!! It was insane. I've got my 2yo grandgirl here and so, between her and her needs and all the divisions and trying to REFIND my place and then my crazy old self... well, you see what I mean. hahaha!
I think most of the notes are pretty subjective -- so you're welcome to stop here and not even read any further if you prefer. *smile* Otherwise...
Christine:
1.) A brief note of appreciation, as we are blind
To one's own good, as the eye can't see itself:
--> I'm a little puzzled about why you'd start out on a familiar basis ('WE are blind'), then switch to the more formal, impersonal tone with your reference to ("one's own good"). Consider:
--> A brief note of appreciation, since we're often most blind
to our best and most positive personality traits. (Thought I'm sure you can do much better. --wink--)
--> PS. This is SO true, unfortunately! I think every one of us could make a lengthy, detailed list of every single fault we have - going back to our earliest moments in life... but ask us about positive things? Complete blank. Ha!
1a.) To one's own good, as the eye can't see itself:
--> wouldn't this kinda be redundant to the being "blind" part?
2.) offering them shelter from inclement weathers
--> maybe the 's' on weather is not necessary... AND perhaps, leaving it off will provide an upgraded sense of assonance...what do you think?
2.) and (a) respite from (such) isolation few can breach.
3.) the companionship and wisdom that you offer,
--> can you chuck that 'that'?
3.) You may see this as petty, but I caution you to be sure you watch for EVERY opportunity to toss nothing/"fill-in" words in favor of vivid, hard-working ones. Example:
--> "even if you may not see the scope of your safe harbor," (to:)
--> even if you may not see the (grace /favor/kindness/etc) of your safe harbor,
--> Of course, I can't be sure what you intend here by 'scope', so it may be the exact word you need and want--but take a look at the definition I immediately pulled up: "the extent of the area or subject-matter that something deals with or to which it is relevant."
3a.) more (nit-picking) examples:
--> "and the comfort you give born of understanding." (to:)
--> and calm/serene comfort you give born of understanding.
--> which might be wordy, but you get the idea. *smile* You can often go back and replace simple words like this ('the') with a word that pops with imagery and voice.
3b.) "the clarity of kindness translated into right action"
--> 'right' doesn't move the reader much, yeah? This would be another opportunity for a harder-working word...
4.) I wonder if you might consider switching the last two lines? Not only because the one referring to you and the patients (first one) seems to go perfectly with advocating (last one), but also because the safe harbor bit (middle) would make a more dramatic close, I think.
4a.) or the way we know you advocate for our well(-)being.
--> need a hyphen, please
***
Nancy,
1.) I think you do not know the measure of your good:
--> I'm afraid you do not know...
--> I do not think you know...
1a.) 'the measure of your good' sounds a bit awkward to my ear (sorry!). Have you considered anything like 'the measure of your worth'? or similar? (Of course, keep in mind that we live in different places and probably speak a bit differently...)
2.) (when) you have said, "I don't know, but I am here",
3.) the best antidote to the isolating drought of pain(.)
--> it does occur to me you are using 'drought' to indicate another cool metaphor for pain. MY issue with that is that the descriptive word you use with it happens to be 'isolating' -- which doesn't make me feel, see, touch, taste... very drought-ish...know what I mean? Consider ... idk... withering...?
4.) As a side note--it may not matter as much here-- (certainly not as much as in a prose piece) and I know you already know this -- but in practice, you mostly want to lose as many of those '-ing' AND '-ly' words as possible. In general, they're going to veer your writing off the hopping and bopping, active pathway and onto the LESS-active lane. They may not always appear totally 'passive', but they're headed in that direction. This is just a little tip to stick in your pocket -- (though I'm pretty sure I you definitely already know this -- actually, I would think you have already heard everything I could even say here. *smile*)
***
Anne:
1.) which takes the hearts of all those who suffer
--> HUZZAH! Hurray!! Thank you SO MUCH! for using 'who' when referring to humans. *smile* Nice job!!
2.) and little by little, the healing creeps its way in.
--> really well said-and definitely a GIFT!
***
Mark:
1.) "which blooms in dark times fields of tender mercies"
--> this picture you're creating is a bit blurry (consider:)
--> which makes fields bloom in dark times through tender mercies (just a starter)
2.) yet you practice daily what the (r)est preach.
3.) or realize the shadows shrink with your passing.
--> how sweet is that??!!! YUM!!!!
***
Andrea
1.) You move through the world with such tenderness(:)
2.) a gardener coaxing downtrodden plants to bloom,
--> wonderful metaphor!
3.) and so healing follows in your wake like flowers,
--> no comma
--> this (and what follows) is all one thought, so there's no need for commas (right?)
4.) after a forest fire, turn their faces towards the dawn.
--> delete comma
--> ...forest fire that turn...
--> ...forest fire turning their...
--> so, all together:
and so healing follows in your wake(,) like flowers
after a forest fire twisting their faces toward dawn.
***
Would you believe that's all I got? I mean, I could go back and look AGAIN, but... I guess that'll do, right? For now? At least it'll let you know I'm back. hahahaha! Please don't scream and holler -- even all the way over here, I have really sensitive ears.
Hope you do find something useful, for real. So good to see you -- and I'm also keeping my fingers crossed that you're okay. PLEASE let me know asap??
Hugs--
Oh, yeah! Since almost every one of these notes is entirely subjective, I cannot find it in my big, ole, generous, loving heart to reduce the rating. --wink-- Have a groovy week! - robyn
Comment Written 10-Apr-2024
reply by the author on 10-Apr-2024
-
Hey Robyn. Thank you very much for reading over these. I honestly didn't expect anyone to give them so much time. Thank you for all of the feedback. I'll keep it in mind and maybe tighten up as much as I can. Unfortunately, I've already left them as notes for my former work family, so they got the versions that needed work. I'm doing okay. Just moving through the world and trying to be better about expressing my gratitude for the people who've made such an impact on me. Thank you for giving these little notes so much time and thought. It's sincerely appreciated, especially knowing you were also child-wrangling. I do that as my full time job now (admittedly mentally ill kiddos, so I might have a skewed view of the labor), so I know what a challenge it can be. Take good care of yourself and have a lovely rest of your week.
-K.
-
Thanks!
Comment from patcelaw
This is a lovely presentation. You have left us with two put in a post the thank you notes that you received from people in your circle is absolutely wonderful. More people need to do this. I wish you the very best with all of your writing. Patricia .,
reply by the author on 10-Apr-2024
|
This is a lovely presentation. You have left us with two put in a post the thank you notes that you received from people in your circle is absolutely wonderful. More people need to do this. I wish you the very best with all of your writing. Patricia .,
Comment Written 09-Apr-2024
reply by the author on 10-Apr-2024
-
Thank you for reading and reviewing! These are actually notes I left for the people in my life who made up my work family before I changed job. I hope they enjoyed them. Thank you so much for looking it over. I hope you have a wonderful rest of your week. -K.
-
I?m sorry that I misread that I was thinking there were notes that you received from mothers. I?m glad you put me straight on that.
