Love Honor and a Mail Order Bride
Viewing comments for Chapter 6 "Flash and Fire"Indian girl vies for the heart of a homesteader
10 total reviews
Comment from royowen
It seems like an impossible situation, obviously a man who wanted to start a family, or He was simply a lonely man who had gone ahead a ordered a bride, and quite by accident, this blue eyed beauty had blundered into his heart, beautifully written Stan, blessings Roy
reply by the author on 14-Apr-2024
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It seems like an impossible situation, obviously a man who wanted to start a family, or He was simply a lonely man who had gone ahead a ordered a bride, and quite by accident, this blue eyed beauty had blundered into his heart, beautifully written Stan, blessings Roy
Comment Written 11-Apr-2024
reply by the author on 14-Apr-2024
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Thanks Roy!
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A pleasure
Comment from lyenochka
Well, it seems that Aiyana can certainly fend for herself and she's pretty good with a rifle, too! It's good that she'll keep his place safe but Luke is worried more about the decisions he needs to make between two women. Hopefully, the choice will be easy for him.
reply by the author on 09-Apr-2024
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Well, it seems that Aiyana can certainly fend for herself and she's pretty good with a rifle, too! It's good that she'll keep his place safe but Luke is worried more about the decisions he needs to make between two women. Hopefully, the choice will be easy for him.
Comment Written 08-Apr-2024
reply by the author on 09-Apr-2024
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Thanks!!
Comment from robyn corum
Stan,
I don't know if you'll remember or not, but Westerns are my weakness. I love 'em. And I'm glad to see you still write in the genre from time to time. Yay!
Now, I don't know how detailed you want me to be - so you may find some of this stuff rather petty. But jic, here goes:
1.) You have Luke picking up several old, empty whiskey bottles that have been abandoned along a trail. I have no clue (and am often wrong). I'm guessing this story is set in the late 1800s, maybe or early 1900s. So, to be sure, I checked. Here's what I found:
--> "glass bottles were expensive and meant that, until the early 1900s, alcohol was sold in large barrels. Bars or stores would buy these wooden barrels direct from a distiller and allow customers to come in and fill their own glass, flask or decanter with whatever was in stock."
--> So I find it hard to believe that you've accidentally come across several of them. There are still lots of other things to shoot -- IF you decide to pay attention to me. IF I have the timing right. IF, if, if...
2.) I didn't understand the second paragraph at all. What does 'passed by her' mean? Or 'where the pair rallied'? Help?
3.) Luke dismounted from his horse
--> "Luke dismounted" - is enough to say it
4.) Now, your writing is concise enough to offer images as I read -- (nice job!) -- BUT if you're saying he's propping those bottles just across a creek atop a boulder, I'm about to pitch an ever-lovin' hissy.
--> There is not one good reason on this planet (OR the next) to shoot glass so that it lands in a running creek where animals (and humans) come to drink.
5.) Now, I was GONNA let all that (above) go. But then you did this:
--> "This is a repeater rifle." Luke took the rifle back
--> WHAATT??!!
I know I haven't being reading any of the story up to this point. But I read your lead-in. Where Luke's gonna have to decide whether to keep his promise to the Mail-Order Bride or go with his heart bc he's fallen for the Indian maiden.
--> but it seems to me Aiyana just shared something important with him, and Luke 100% IGNORED it. Really?
6.) Luke took the rifle back and carefully demonstrated the actions taken.
--> actions to be taken
7.) The pair walked over near the edge of the creek from where a row of
--> delete 'from'
8.) and cocked the gun, shattering a whiskey bottle to bits.
--> somewhere in there he has to fire it.
9.) Now, close one eye like that, and then get the mark here in site,
--> sight
10.) She flopped backward into Cole's arms from the kick.
--> That is SOME kick! It was Luke holding her
11.) Stepping on her hat, she stood to her feet, clutching the rifle.
--> Stepping on her hat, she stood and clutched the rifle. PS. In the next couple sentences, she's firing away, but never once aims.
12.) The pair rode further into the cedars
--> 'farther' when it's distances
13.) The last sentence left me puzzled. So he's going for a bride OR an Indian maiden? So confused.
Hope you find something here that helps-- Thanks!
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Stan,
I don't know if you'll remember or not, but Westerns are my weakness. I love 'em. And I'm glad to see you still write in the genre from time to time. Yay!
Now, I don't know how detailed you want me to be - so you may find some of this stuff rather petty. But jic, here goes:
1.) You have Luke picking up several old, empty whiskey bottles that have been abandoned along a trail. I have no clue (and am often wrong). I'm guessing this story is set in the late 1800s, maybe or early 1900s. So, to be sure, I checked. Here's what I found:
--> "glass bottles were expensive and meant that, until the early 1900s, alcohol was sold in large barrels. Bars or stores would buy these wooden barrels direct from a distiller and allow customers to come in and fill their own glass, flask or decanter with whatever was in stock."
--> So I find it hard to believe that you've accidentally come across several of them. There are still lots of other things to shoot -- IF you decide to pay attention to me. IF I have the timing right. IF, if, if...
2.) I didn't understand the second paragraph at all. What does 'passed by her' mean? Or 'where the pair rallied'? Help?
3.) Luke dismounted from his horse
--> "Luke dismounted" - is enough to say it
4.) Now, your writing is concise enough to offer images as I read -- (nice job!) -- BUT if you're saying he's propping those bottles just across a creek atop a boulder, I'm about to pitch an ever-lovin' hissy.
--> There is not one good reason on this planet (OR the next) to shoot glass so that it lands in a running creek where animals (and humans) come to drink.
5.) Now, I was GONNA let all that (above) go. But then you did this:
--> "This is a repeater rifle." Luke took the rifle back
--> WHAATT??!!
I know I haven't being reading any of the story up to this point. But I read your lead-in. Where Luke's gonna have to decide whether to keep his promise to the Mail-Order Bride or go with his heart bc he's fallen for the Indian maiden.
--> but it seems to me Aiyana just shared something important with him, and Luke 100% IGNORED it. Really?
6.) Luke took the rifle back and carefully demonstrated the actions taken.
--> actions to be taken
7.) The pair walked over near the edge of the creek from where a row of
--> delete 'from'
8.) and cocked the gun, shattering a whiskey bottle to bits.
--> somewhere in there he has to fire it.
9.) Now, close one eye like that, and then get the mark here in site,
--> sight
10.) She flopped backward into Cole's arms from the kick.
--> That is SOME kick! It was Luke holding her
11.) Stepping on her hat, she stood to her feet, clutching the rifle.
--> Stepping on her hat, she stood and clutched the rifle. PS. In the next couple sentences, she's firing away, but never once aims.
12.) The pair rode further into the cedars
--> 'farther' when it's distances
13.) The last sentence left me puzzled. So he's going for a bride OR an Indian maiden? So confused.
Hope you find something here that helps-- Thanks!
Comment Written 08-Apr-2024
Comment from BethShelby
It sounds like he is going to be letting someone down. Her might let himself down if the loves the Indian maiden but marries the mail order bride. I enjoyed reading this.
reply by the author on 09-Apr-2024
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It sounds like he is going to be letting someone down. Her might let himself down if the loves the Indian maiden but marries the mail order bride. I enjoyed reading this.
Comment Written 08-Apr-2024
reply by the author on 09-Apr-2024
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Thanks Beth!
Comment from patcelaw
This is a very well written, chapter in a book and it reads a very well when it is read aloud. Your presentation is wonderful and your grammatical skills are very evident with your work. Patricia .
reply by the author on 09-Apr-2024
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This is a very well written, chapter in a book and it reads a very well when it is read aloud. Your presentation is wonderful and your grammatical skills are very evident with your work. Patricia .
Comment Written 08-Apr-2024
reply by the author on 09-Apr-2024
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Thanks Pat!
Comment from barbara.wilkey
I am so hoping that Luke understands that Aiyana is the right woman for him. He needs to send his mail order bride back East. I really like this story and can't wait to read more. You're doing a good job writing this.
reply by the author on 09-Apr-2024
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I am so hoping that Luke understands that Aiyana is the right woman for him. He needs to send his mail order bride back East. I really like this story and can't wait to read more. You're doing a good job writing this.
Comment Written 08-Apr-2024
reply by the author on 09-Apr-2024
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Thanks Barbara!
Comment from Ben Colder
Interesting. Good one Bro. She may be able to shoot better than expected. No doubt she will get that chance in write to come. You do well as always. Thanks for sharing.
reply by the author on 09-Apr-2024
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Interesting. Good one Bro. She may be able to shoot better than expected. No doubt she will get that chance in write to come. You do well as always. Thanks for sharing.
Comment Written 08-Apr-2024
reply by the author on 09-Apr-2024
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Thanks again Big Ben!
Comment from Sally Law
Great chapter, my friend. I found it easy to catch up too. My grandkids have been here and other things have kept me from reviewing more. I'm so sorry to be behind!
Luke's a goner for this beautiful Indian woman. He's hard pressed to leave her now, and indefinitely. Great stuff!
Sending you my best today as always, and blessings abundant.
Sal :))
reply by the author on 09-Apr-2024
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Great chapter, my friend. I found it easy to catch up too. My grandkids have been here and other things have kept me from reviewing more. I'm so sorry to be behind!
Luke's a goner for this beautiful Indian woman. He's hard pressed to leave her now, and indefinitely. Great stuff!
Sending you my best today as always, and blessings abundant.
Sal :))
Comment Written 08-Apr-2024
reply by the author on 09-Apr-2024
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Thanks Sally!
Comment from CrystieCookie999
This was very well-written. I could not find any fault with any of the content. It sounds like Aiyana is eager to prove herself, whether with a rifle or offering to tend the garden and Luke's place. We'll have to see if he finds a mail order bride he likes better or not.
There were only a couple of things I think I would change for the sake of clarity.
The first was this sentence:
With a few empty bottles dangling between his fingers, he tripped over the shallow water and arranged them for target practice on a boulder.
I think I would use another verb instead of 'tripped' unless you add the word 'lightly' right afterward. I might say: he stepped easily through the shallow water and arranged them for target practice on a boulder.
The other place was the last sentence, which I think ought to be two sentences, either with a semicolon like this:
Luke needed to get to Julesburg to fetch a bride; come hell, high water, or an Indian maiden, he couldn't stand her up.
Or else you could use a long dash after the word bride. Or else you could just make these two separate sentences with a period after bride and then start the next word Come with a capital letter.
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This was very well-written. I could not find any fault with any of the content. It sounds like Aiyana is eager to prove herself, whether with a rifle or offering to tend the garden and Luke's place. We'll have to see if he finds a mail order bride he likes better or not.
There were only a couple of things I think I would change for the sake of clarity.
The first was this sentence:
With a few empty bottles dangling between his fingers, he tripped over the shallow water and arranged them for target practice on a boulder.
I think I would use another verb instead of 'tripped' unless you add the word 'lightly' right afterward. I might say: he stepped easily through the shallow water and arranged them for target practice on a boulder.
The other place was the last sentence, which I think ought to be two sentences, either with a semicolon like this:
Luke needed to get to Julesburg to fetch a bride; come hell, high water, or an Indian maiden, he couldn't stand her up.
Or else you could use a long dash after the word bride. Or else you could just make these two separate sentences with a period after bride and then start the next word Come with a capital letter.
Comment Written 08-Apr-2024
Comment from davisr (Rhonda)
Hmmm, Stan, it sure looks like that Indian Maiden is getting lodged pretty firmly in his heart. I'm interested to see what's going to happen when Luke gets back with his mail order bride. Surely she couldn't outshine Aiyana!
Good stuff, Stan!
Take care,
Rhonda
reply by the author on 08-Apr-2024
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Hmmm, Stan, it sure looks like that Indian Maiden is getting lodged pretty firmly in his heart. I'm interested to see what's going to happen when Luke gets back with his mail order bride. Surely she couldn't outshine Aiyana!
Good stuff, Stan!
Take care,
Rhonda
Comment Written 07-Apr-2024
reply by the author on 08-Apr-2024
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Thanks Rhonda! Appreciate your friendship and kindred spirit.