Tunnel Busting
an experiment in phonetic flow21 total reviews
Comment from Frank Malley
It's rare that a poem takes up the defense of earthworms,who are in this instance threatened by the beloved robin, feathered harbinger of spring. But they are the nightmares of the earthworm world, pecking and engorging not only worms that are driven up by soaked soil, but also the near-the-surface worms that the amazing hearing of the robin locates. The Shakespearean Sonnet form is entirely adhered to and the rhymes are adroit if not brilliant. I might have changed a few lines, held to the meter, and still end with the same rhymes. The one line I would change, perhaps to spare the world of nature from human responsibilities, is the last. Maybe 'To grab the worms or peck them where they wind.'
reply by the author on 07-Apr-2024
  |
It's rare that a poem takes up the defense of earthworms,who are in this instance threatened by the beloved robin, feathered harbinger of spring. But they are the nightmares of the earthworm world, pecking and engorging not only worms that are driven up by soaked soil, but also the near-the-surface worms that the amazing hearing of the robin locates. The Shakespearean Sonnet form is entirely adhered to and the rhymes are adroit if not brilliant. I might have changed a few lines, held to the meter, and still end with the same rhymes. The one line I would change, perhaps to spare the world of nature from human responsibilities, is the last. Maybe 'To grab the worms or peck them where they wind.'
Comment Written 04-Apr-2024
reply by the author on 07-Apr-2024
-
Thanks very much Frank for the thoughtful review and generous rating. "Wind" doesn't quite rhyme with the existing setup but I do revisit my work occasionally after letting it sit for a bit : )
SS
Comment from tempeste
There is a lot going on in your poem
After I read the last line I went back to read it again and divided into two parts .. the first you are describing the Robin ( the early bird) hunting worms .. they regurgitate ( half digested) these juicy morsels to the fledgings.
In the second half we have a metaphor.
The worms hidden/buried in the ground represent Hamas hidden in their tunnel to flush them out.
I remember reading that the IDF wanted to flooded the tunnels with sewage or sea water but the relatives of the hostages opposed ( fair enough) and expert environmentalists said that sea water would likely damage the underground fresh water resources ( I'm sure IDF would not care if the Palestinians had even less water )
Before the war started they were getting only 4 hours of electricity per day and 80 litres of water per person. To drink , clean, wash, flush that's very little.
I heard nothing anymore so I presume they have aborted the plan.
The last two lines are emblematic
Right now the Palestinians like the earthworms have no say in the matter , they just have to accept being bombed , starved
soon disease will kill them too.
Israele can commit war crimes thanks to America who supplies the money ( it has been receiving 3.3 billion dollars per year fromUS.)
For the war up to 14 billion.
and the weapons
but when America 's economy cracks ,the state of Israel will dissolve into thin air , people will return to their country of origin .
I believe in karma. You don't get scot-free.
reply by the author on 04-Apr-2024
 |
There is a lot going on in your poem
After I read the last line I went back to read it again and divided into two parts .. the first you are describing the Robin ( the early bird) hunting worms .. they regurgitate ( half digested) these juicy morsels to the fledgings.
In the second half we have a metaphor.
The worms hidden/buried in the ground represent Hamas hidden in their tunnel to flush them out.
I remember reading that the IDF wanted to flooded the tunnels with sewage or sea water but the relatives of the hostages opposed ( fair enough) and expert environmentalists said that sea water would likely damage the underground fresh water resources ( I'm sure IDF would not care if the Palestinians had even less water )
Before the war started they were getting only 4 hours of electricity per day and 80 litres of water per person. To drink , clean, wash, flush that's very little.
I heard nothing anymore so I presume they have aborted the plan.
The last two lines are emblematic
Right now the Palestinians like the earthworms have no say in the matter , they just have to accept being bombed , starved
soon disease will kill them too.
Israele can commit war crimes thanks to America who supplies the money ( it has been receiving 3.3 billion dollars per year fromUS.)
For the war up to 14 billion.
and the weapons
but when America 's economy cracks ,the state of Israel will dissolve into thin air , people will return to their country of origin .
I believe in karma. You don't get scot-free.
Comment Written 04-Apr-2024
reply by the author on 04-Apr-2024
-
Goodness Tempeste, thank you so much for promoting this piece. I'd have pushed it up further but ran out of cent pumps. Unfortunately I listed it on Monday morning so it's probably minutes from being delisted from the front page.
I have likely hacked it on 40 liters or less a day while hiking, or in rural developing areas, and seen a number of slums where folks live on even less. Without modern appliances, less is needed:
Bucket bath: 20 liters (but can be done with <10)
Misc cleaning: 10
Cooking: 8
Drinking: 2
But that means that they wouldn?t really be able to use modern appliances in Gaza. Like one toilet flush is 10 liters. You could flush twice a day if you shortened your shower. Do you know if these limits are imposed due to general availability of water, or if it's a form of sanction? I'm curious now.
On the political side, in the interest of fairness I'll say: Israel has a right to its existence, wars are complicated, the brutal and graphic assault of Palestinian militants on young women is unacceptable, and both sides suffer (Netanyahu lost a brother in a hostage operation decades back. Previous leaders lost family in the holocaust). The US benefits from geopolitical stability in the general region by supporting the right powerhouses. With bullying from aggressive settlers, Israel has lost control of the narrative in a big way and now a ton of kids are in the crossfire. What will Israel do after this operation is complete? How are they going to deal with the fallout 15 years from now when these kids are grown? Israel's military spending is up to around $40 billion this year plus whatever it gets from the US, which buys them a lot of metal birds. As you noticed, the sonnet has multiple possible interpretations and implications
: )
Thanks again,
SS
Comment from nomi338
The circle of life is often brutal and uncompromising. Rarely are the victims given any thought before being slaughtered. That is just the way life is. When it comes to humans, victims who are truly victims, are covered by the blood of Jesus and will find redemption one day. At least that is my belief.
reply by the author on 06-Apr-2024
|
The circle of life is often brutal and uncompromising. Rarely are the victims given any thought before being slaughtered. That is just the way life is. When it comes to humans, victims who are truly victims, are covered by the blood of Jesus and will find redemption one day. At least that is my belief.
Comment Written 03-Apr-2024
reply by the author on 06-Apr-2024
-
Thank you Nomi. I hope you are right.
🦍
Comment from gramalot8
I loved this sonnet initially as just the simple routine of life with a Robin foraging for food as countless other creatures do... and the humble worm as her food.
Then after reading your notes and other comments I can see and comprehend the chaotic state of our world and/or our political complications. Indeed... it's up to interpretation... I wish it were as simple as the life of a bird and a worm and none of the other...
Thanks for sharing your thought provoking words with us. Good luck in the contest.
reply by the author on 06-Apr-2024
|
I loved this sonnet initially as just the simple routine of life with a Robin foraging for food as countless other creatures do... and the humble worm as her food.
Then after reading your notes and other comments I can see and comprehend the chaotic state of our world and/or our political complications. Indeed... it's up to interpretation... I wish it were as simple as the life of a bird and a worm and none of the other...
Thanks for sharing your thought provoking words with us. Good luck in the contest.
Comment Written 03-Apr-2024
reply by the author on 06-Apr-2024
-
Thanks very much! Yes, it seems the world can be as simple or as complicated as we decide to investigate, or to make it.
🦍
Comment from dragonpoet
Hi SS,
This is a well done sonnet with good alliteration and personification about what looks like a very busy and greedy robin. or maybe a robin with a big family.
I like the couplet.
Good luck with the contest.
Keep writing and stay healthy.
Have a great rest of the day.
Joan
reply by the author on 06-Apr-2024
|
Hi SS,
This is a well done sonnet with good alliteration and personification about what looks like a very busy and greedy robin. or maybe a robin with a big family.
I like the couplet.
Good luck with the contest.
Keep writing and stay healthy.
Have a great rest of the day.
Joan
Comment Written 03-Apr-2024
reply by the author on 06-Apr-2024
-
Thank you very much Joan, much appreciated!
🦍
-
You are most welcome, SS.
Joan
Comment from Ginda Simpson
What a lovely and technically correct sonnet, with great imagery, rhyme and superior alliteration. You conclude by leaving us to ponder the world we live in even as the robin sings.
reply by the author on 06-Apr-2024
|
What a lovely and technically correct sonnet, with great imagery, rhyme and superior alliteration. You conclude by leaving us to ponder the world we live in even as the robin sings.
Comment Written 03-Apr-2024
reply by the author on 06-Apr-2024
-
Very thoughtfully put! Thank you so much for the kind words.
🦍
Comment from Karen Cherry Threadgill
I kinda felt the intent was already there Harambe.
I felt it from the very first. You may not have known but the poem did. If there really is a benign spirit "helping" us. He, she, it, should remove all weapons of mass destruction. Al projectile weapons large and small. All poisons and viruses that can kill thousands and more. Let folks duke it out. Karen :-)
reply by the author on 06-Apr-2024
|
I kinda felt the intent was already there Harambe.
I felt it from the very first. You may not have known but the poem did. If there really is a benign spirit "helping" us. He, she, it, should remove all weapons of mass destruction. Al projectile weapons large and small. All poisons and viruses that can kill thousands and more. Let folks duke it out. Karen :-)
Comment Written 03-Apr-2024
reply by the author on 06-Apr-2024
-
That may be. Everything that's important is political in some way, and it's just waiting for us to see the implications, or spin them accordingly.
🦍
-
They have been waiting an incredibly long time.
-
Who has been waiting?
-
:-)
Comment from teafor2
SS, glad for the notes due to title, selection of picture, theme and tone: a
metaphoric sober/sombre write. Wordsmith alliterations in first line of 3rd quatrain provides a melodious rift which is short lived as horrific
/terrorist tactics decimates the less prepared/non-aggressive types. Scribe's first line of couplet again with dramatic alliterations offer a solution under a hinting of some 'growing a pair.' Sorry, if I have misread
your what appears to be a critical take on a half-hearted effort to come
to the aid of the disadvantaged in the Holy Land. teafor2
reply by the author on 03-Apr-2024
|
SS, glad for the notes due to title, selection of picture, theme and tone: a
metaphoric sober/sombre write. Wordsmith alliterations in first line of 3rd quatrain provides a melodious rift which is short lived as horrific
/terrorist tactics decimates the less prepared/non-aggressive types. Scribe's first line of couplet again with dramatic alliterations offer a solution under a hinting of some 'growing a pair.' Sorry, if I have misread
your what appears to be a critical take on a half-hearted effort to come
to the aid of the disadvantaged in the Holy Land. teafor2
Comment Written 03-Apr-2024
reply by the author on 03-Apr-2024
-
Thanks teafor2 for the thoughtful analysis. It's left deliberately open to interpretation, as perhaps art should be. I don't know if worms can grow anything other than replacing severed parts of their body, but maybe someday they will have rights and fishermen will have to find different bait to use. In case it's of interest, here's a peek into how I went about writing it.
The purpose of the work evolved as I progressed. At first it was simply a writing exercise to convey the beauty of a robin awakening listeners in the morning, with a paramount technical focus on open vowels and smooth transition of consonants to make the sonnet sound musical like the robin. Then it occurred to me that the "dreamers" most likely to be rudely awakened would be worms, so I diverged to explore that interaction, show the tragedy for the earthworms, and make the reader feel the wetness of the lawn.
It was while writing line 12 that I remembered reading about Jewish armed forces doing precisely this in the massive tunnel complexes in Gaza (flooding them with water), and suddenly the last two lines wrote themselves after significantly more struggle with some of the earlier lines. I didn't go back to change stuff and try to make it more about the political conflict.
Of course this piece reads as sympathetic to the worms, though (unlike a lot of my work) there is no satire on display here, and if I meant to fully demonize the bird, I would have stripped the birdsong of its natural flow. What goes down in the Middle East is an ongoing tragedy of massive proportions.
There's a great TV series called Fauda on Netflix that explores the conflict focusing on an Israeli special forces unit, but also gets into the perspectives of Palestinians.
Thanks again,
SS
-
You are welcome.
Comment from Neil Samways
A well written sonnet, and a good contestant for the contest. I enjoyed reading it well done. And a great twist of an ending
Best of luck in the contest
reply by the author on 06-Apr-2024
|
A well written sonnet, and a good contestant for the contest. I enjoyed reading it well done. And a great twist of an ending
Best of luck in the contest
Comment Written 03-Apr-2024
reply by the author on 06-Apr-2024
-
Thank you very much Neil!
🦍
Comment from royowen
So you do understand metered poetry, one of the strictest forms is the sonnet, and think you've written it rather, because I'm prolific in my writing, unless for publishing's sake, I do minimal editing, there's few that have a natural ability with cadence, the musician has the blessed metronome, or drum facility on a keyboard, but not normally the writer, I've written quite a few kid's songs, it's ideal for that. Well done, blessings Roy
reply by the author on 02-Apr-2024
|
So you do understand metered poetry, one of the strictest forms is the sonnet, and think you've written it rather, because I'm prolific in my writing, unless for publishing's sake, I do minimal editing, there's few that have a natural ability with cadence, the musician has the blessed metronome, or drum facility on a keyboard, but not normally the writer, I've written quite a few kid's songs, it's ideal for that. Well done, blessings Roy
Comment Written 02-Apr-2024
reply by the author on 02-Apr-2024
-
Thank you Roy, yes you certainly have my respect for your prolific work and dedication to it. I am still at the very beginning of my songwriting efforts, and not sure yet how well my technical foundation will cross over, but I'll find out soon enough. It seems often the most poorly crafted poems can be turned into great songs, and many well structured poems struggle with rigidity being converted to another format. Writing well for kids is a really useful skill set.
🦍
-
I?ve been doing it for awhile. Bless youn