War Victims
Life in Gaza7 total reviews
Comment from SimianSavant
Tempeste, this is superb. It would be a six in my book with a couple small suggested tweaks:
-this is a small point: till refers to agriculture. 'til or til (you can choose whether you want the apostrophe, with poetic license) is the correct way to notate the abbreviation of UNTIL. I don't think it's a biggie, but putting it out there anyway since I know you appreciate details. Alternate suggested option: put a period before it, followed by a new sentence: THEN, there was an explosion. This helps to separate and highlight the life-destroying event.
-for a neat effect, I recommend changing the verb tense in the second stanza to separate his past life from the horror of the present:
WAKING without hands,
IN TEARS he ASKS his father:
"Will they grow back when I'm big?"
<= a rundown on the changes above:
-since we changed the tense to present progressive, I also changed up "crying" so that we wouldn't have two consecutive progressive verbs separated by a prepositional phrase, which comes off a little awkwardly in English (I made it awkward though, not you, by introducing the tense change!)
-I also got rid of some of the extra spaces
Final suggestion: invert the colors on your image and then set it to transparent, so that only the white outline of the drawing shows up. That would be really powedul visually.
Hope this is helpful! Great write and notes. I'm sorry to not have provided these notes earlier when everyone else was reading this, but this is a strong enough piece that maybe you will find opportunities to share it beyond Fanstory.
SS
reply by the author on 22-Mar-2024
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Tempeste, this is superb. It would be a six in my book with a couple small suggested tweaks:
-this is a small point: till refers to agriculture. 'til or til (you can choose whether you want the apostrophe, with poetic license) is the correct way to notate the abbreviation of UNTIL. I don't think it's a biggie, but putting it out there anyway since I know you appreciate details. Alternate suggested option: put a period before it, followed by a new sentence: THEN, there was an explosion. This helps to separate and highlight the life-destroying event.
-for a neat effect, I recommend changing the verb tense in the second stanza to separate his past life from the horror of the present:
WAKING without hands,
IN TEARS he ASKS his father:
"Will they grow back when I'm big?"
<= a rundown on the changes above:
-since we changed the tense to present progressive, I also changed up "crying" so that we wouldn't have two consecutive progressive verbs separated by a prepositional phrase, which comes off a little awkwardly in English (I made it awkward though, not you, by introducing the tense change!)
-I also got rid of some of the extra spaces
Final suggestion: invert the colors on your image and then set it to transparent, so that only the white outline of the drawing shows up. That would be really powedul visually.
Hope this is helpful! Great write and notes. I'm sorry to not have provided these notes earlier when everyone else was reading this, but this is a strong enough piece that maybe you will find opportunities to share it beyond Fanstory.
SS
Comment Written 22-Mar-2024
reply by the author on 22-Mar-2024
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Ciao !,
I appreciate the feedback.
Initially I did have a white background and the poem was in black before I posted it, then the last minute I switched.
I love the changes you suggested for the second part and have already edited it.
I don't understand what you mean by ;set it to transparent.
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After inverting the colors (you can do this in Microsoft Paint or most other basic editors) upload your pic to the site remove.bg and it will take care of the rest for you.
-Harambe
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I think it would look fine either in white or black btw. Try two separate versions: one with black lines in the picture outlining, and one with white lines, make them both transparent, and then try the latter one with the black background. See what you think. I suspect the white background will convey emptiness/sadness while the black background will convey shock/horror.
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I don't have Microsoft paint.
but besides that, Harambe, I'm no computer wizard like you. ( sigh).
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I prefer to convey sadness so I will leave the white background.
I tried to send you a nomination but it was denied. I can give only one to each person each month.
I will remember come April to send you a nomination.
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I just did it here.
I tightened up the original pic as well.
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and here's a version with more exposure
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That's cool .
Would you mind if I took a pic with my phone and use it?
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That's why I sent them to you! Try to download the actual image on your phone as you will get a much better resolution. On the iPhone, if you force touch it (press harder) it will give you an option to save the image. It might be similar on other phone operating systems.
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The pic I took with phone is super . I was waiting to get your permission. Thanks Harambe
By the way why did you change your username?
Comment from rhonnie69
Ciao, amica tempeste: Well...it appears that I'm about to get myself scolded for giving another six-star wee witty ditty a deserved six-star review. This poem is a masterpiece composed by a master poet. The fact that it only scored 2 votes out of 33 votes is outrageous. This poem should have been at least a dead heat with the poem that won the contest four votes ahead of it. It didn't even make the board. That's a damned shame. This poem took me to the people in Gaza.
I'm feeling for them. Your illustration is exceptional. So are you. Now. Go on. Fuss fuss fuss fuss at me tempest girl. I've cotton balls for my ears.
reply by the author on 22-Mar-2024
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Ciao, amica tempeste: Well...it appears that I'm about to get myself scolded for giving another six-star wee witty ditty a deserved six-star review. This poem is a masterpiece composed by a master poet. The fact that it only scored 2 votes out of 33 votes is outrageous. This poem should have been at least a dead heat with the poem that won the contest four votes ahead of it. It didn't even make the board. That's a damned shame. This poem took me to the people in Gaza.
I'm feeling for them. Your illustration is exceptional. So are you. Now. Go on. Fuss fuss fuss fuss at me tempest girl. I've cotton balls for my ears.
Comment Written 21-Mar-2024
reply by the author on 22-Mar-2024
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I appreciate the heartfelt words .. it?s easy to get wrapped up in our problems and not realise that there are babies , children , women, elderly dying under bombs and starving because Zionists are trying to wipe them out so they can take the land.
These war crimes have nothing to do with fighting Hamas , they are civilians.
Comment from Kaiku
Wow, you certainly can drive home a powerful message. I often times wish you would offer more of your writings that 'lifts one's spirit' You have such a breadth of talent across all spectrums. Maybe I just read more of your 'dark' or 'tough writes' than anything else. I'm probably a bit off base.
reply by the author on 20-Mar-2024
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Wow, you certainly can drive home a powerful message. I often times wish you would offer more of your writings that 'lifts one's spirit' You have such a breadth of talent across all spectrums. Maybe I just read more of your 'dark' or 'tough writes' than anything else. I'm probably a bit off base.
Comment Written 20-Mar-2024
reply by the author on 20-Mar-2024
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The truth is our home world has become a place of destruction and death.
More than one million people in Raffah ( southern Gaza) are starving because the IDF won?t let in the humanitarian aid at the Egyptian border
Kids, women , the elderly have been eating grass and fodder and yet Biden for the 3rd time in February vetoed the UN call to ceasefire so help could reach these people.
It?s the ugly reality of our world today.
The war in Ukraine was over already in September last year but Biden doesn?t want to have to admit defeat before the elections.
So more lies are put out and Biden is now sending a new military aid package to Ukraine worth $300 million so a lost war can be drag on .
Zelensky on nation tv last month had the guts to say only 31.000 Ukraine soldiers were killed in the war . WTF. He doesn?t even show respect to the 400,000 soldiers that died.
So one makes a choice to acknowledge what?s going on in our world wars, suffering or not.
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?Only in death do we find peace?
Comment from karenina
This Sedoka is so excruciatingly painful!
I choked on a sob at the final line.
You have one syllable too many in line one, though!
"Ahmed loved to play ball" = 6 syllables
Can you still edit?
"Ahmed playing ball" would work!
I am holding off on voting...
I hope you can correct the count so I can vote for this one!
Karenina
reply by the author on 20-Mar-2024
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This Sedoka is so excruciatingly painful!
I choked on a sob at the final line.
You have one syllable too many in line one, though!
"Ahmed loved to play ball" = 6 syllables
Can you still edit?
"Ahmed playing ball" would work!
I am holding off on voting...
I hope you can correct the count so I can vote for this one!
Karenina
Comment Written 20-Mar-2024
reply by the author on 20-Mar-2024
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Thank you for the kind words .. and for catching the error .
I?m going to edit.. I need to switch on my pc .
( biggrin)
I voted very early this morning and when the page opened I saw I had no votes.
I checked about two hours ago and I actually had one vote.
The corrected version:
Ahmed loved to play
ball with his peers in the streets
till there was an explosion.
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The last line packs a punch ..when I heard it during the speech for hours after it echoed in my head.
I cried too. And I was angry.
I don't understand why we can't all live in peace and harmony.
Why there has to be discord and wars?
Thanks for your vote! Much appreciated !
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Much deserved, in my opinion!
Comment from Mark Jackson
Really great work. It really makes you think about the cost of war, the way innocents end up paying the highest price. Great entry to the Sedoka competition.
reply by the author on 22-Mar-2024
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Really great work. It really makes you think about the cost of war, the way innocents end up paying the highest price. Great entry to the Sedoka competition.
Comment Written 19-Mar-2024
reply by the author on 22-Mar-2024
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Sorry for the late reply.
The poem didn?t do well in the booth but it did receive several reviews and that is a good thing.
When war crimes are being committed especially against children, we should all take part in condemning them. That s the minimum expected , I think.
Thank you for sharing your thoughts.
Keep safe ! 🍀
Comment from Michael Ludwinder
This is powerful. The final line "Will they grow back when I'm big?" was tough to read. Your poem captures the innocence and vulnerability of childhood while exposing the harsh realities of life in war. It does it with an emotional punch.
reply by the author on 20-Mar-2024
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This is powerful. The final line "Will they grow back when I'm big?" was tough to read. Your poem captures the innocence and vulnerability of childhood while exposing the harsh realities of life in war. It does it with an emotional punch.
Comment Written 19-Mar-2024
reply by the author on 20-Mar-2024
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Yes it packs a punch , it pained me but also I felt rage against our leaders and their personal agendas.
Kids are dying, being maned and starving and they play their power games.
God is watching and they all will pay for their crimes.
Comment from Sanku
My God! it is gruesome and inhuman .Reading this hurt ,hurt very much .How do anyone answer that question. And the warmongers are comfortably sitting tight while innocents die...It was hard hitting..
reply by the author on 20-Mar-2024
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My God! it is gruesome and inhuman .Reading this hurt ,hurt very much .How do anyone answer that question. And the warmongers are comfortably sitting tight while innocents die...It was hard hitting..
Comment Written 19-Mar-2024
reply by the author on 20-Mar-2024
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That question I kept on hearing in my mind for most of the day after I heard the ceasefire speech in which the little boy?s ordeal was mentioned.
Biden eating his ice cream cone while kids in Gaza are being killed , maned , starved, pains me.
The world has become a hideous place.
Thank you for sharing your thoughts!