On the Prowl
Senryu 5-7-55 total reviews
Comment from Dolly'sPoems
I am not sure who this refers to, but we sometimes receive empty promises from small minded people. A poignant write for the contest, love Dolly x x x
reply by the author on 05-Apr-2024
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I am not sure who this refers to, but we sometimes receive empty promises from small minded people. A poignant write for the contest, love Dolly x x x
Comment Written 19-Mar-2024
reply by the author on 05-Apr-2024
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Thank you
Comment from Heidixoxo
Hello Jewell,
What a very good poem you have written. I really like the "little man" part. I wish you the very best of luck with the contest, this will do well. Thank you for sharing....
Heidixoxo
reply by the author on 05-Apr-2024
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Hello Jewell,
What a very good poem you have written. I really like the "little man" part. I wish you the very best of luck with the contest, this will do well. Thank you for sharing....
Heidixoxo
Comment Written 19-Mar-2024
reply by the author on 05-Apr-2024
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Thank you
Comment from Michael Ludwinder
I thought this was creative! Your poem seems to show someone speaking deceitfully. For me they are hiding behind a mask both literally and metaphorically. I think that is great. You say a lot with just three lines!
reply by the author on 05-Apr-2024
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I thought this was creative! Your poem seems to show someone speaking deceitfully. For me they are hiding behind a mask both literally and metaphorically. I think that is great. You say a lot with just three lines!
Comment Written 19-Mar-2024
reply by the author on 05-Apr-2024
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You got the point!
Comment from SimianSavant
Hello! This has a profound sound to it, but there are some issues. I'm an ape but not a dumb one, and I felt dumb reading this, until I dissected it to find out why.
First line sounds great: someone prowling in a mask is speaking something (what)? That's where things get really confusing.
Going back to my 8th grade grammar, THROUGH is a preposition, and the prepositional phrase ends in a noun, MASK. To continue the sentence, the next word needs to logically connect to the word SPOKEN as if the entire prepositional phrase was expunged. (Eg: words? orders?) Instead we have a pronoun for the speaker: "spoken he". That does not make any sense.
And Befuddles is a big word to use after a pronoun. Basically it means the same as obfuscate. It needs a clearer context. What does prowling and wearing a mask have to do with confusing of promises and lying? Can you spell out in longhand what you are trying to say?
If I had to guess what you're trying to say, it's that some guy made promises and then he tried to get out of them through lies or avoidance tactics, and that makes him small. The physical prowling is either an expression of sneaking around or a metaphor for it.
What if this read something like:
sweetly spoken lies
stealthily, softly whispered,
shrink a man's stature
Or if you're going for something more literal to prowling:
On masquerade night
It's the man without a mask
Who hides his secrets
I hope this helps provide some direction and possible ways to execute a solution. I also recommend adding a picture or some sort of artwork that fits the topic, especially if you are going for something more metaphoric and less literal. And/or play around with fonts and colors. This is such a short form, you might as well put some effort into it.
I hope this is helpful. Let me know if you revise and I will be happy to re-review!
Best regards,
SS
reply by the author on 05-Apr-2024
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Hello! This has a profound sound to it, but there are some issues. I'm an ape but not a dumb one, and I felt dumb reading this, until I dissected it to find out why.
First line sounds great: someone prowling in a mask is speaking something (what)? That's where things get really confusing.
Going back to my 8th grade grammar, THROUGH is a preposition, and the prepositional phrase ends in a noun, MASK. To continue the sentence, the next word needs to logically connect to the word SPOKEN as if the entire prepositional phrase was expunged. (Eg: words? orders?) Instead we have a pronoun for the speaker: "spoken he". That does not make any sense.
And Befuddles is a big word to use after a pronoun. Basically it means the same as obfuscate. It needs a clearer context. What does prowling and wearing a mask have to do with confusing of promises and lying? Can you spell out in longhand what you are trying to say?
If I had to guess what you're trying to say, it's that some guy made promises and then he tried to get out of them through lies or avoidance tactics, and that makes him small. The physical prowling is either an expression of sneaking around or a metaphor for it.
What if this read something like:
sweetly spoken lies
stealthily, softly whispered,
shrink a man's stature
Or if you're going for something more literal to prowling:
On masquerade night
It's the man without a mask
Who hides his secrets
I hope this helps provide some direction and possible ways to execute a solution. I also recommend adding a picture or some sort of artwork that fits the topic, especially if you are going for something more metaphoric and less literal. And/or play around with fonts and colors. This is such a short form, you might as well put some effort into it.
I hope this is helpful. Let me know if you revise and I will be happy to re-review!
Best regards,
SS
Comment Written 18-Mar-2024
reply by the author on 05-Apr-2024
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Get over yourself. You clearly don?t get metaphor.
Comment from Marilyn Hamilton
This is an excellent entry for the 5-7-5 Poetry Contest. this gives a very clear picture of the man you are describing. So clear in fact, I feel like I know exactly who you are talking about. But I will leave it at that. lol Very nicely done. Good luck in the contest.
reply by the author on 05-Apr-2024
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This is an excellent entry for the 5-7-5 Poetry Contest. this gives a very clear picture of the man you are describing. So clear in fact, I feel like I know exactly who you are talking about. But I will leave it at that. lol Very nicely done. Good luck in the contest.
Comment Written 18-Mar-2024
reply by the author on 05-Apr-2024
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Haha you know who I am referencing? Now you have me curious. Pm me. Smiles! thank you for the review