Life, Death, Up, Down
Viewing comments for Chapter 2 "Rusty"short stories
17 total reviews
Comment from Sharon Elwell
The photo was perfect for the story, and I really liked the format and pacing you used. Gargoyles were a good choice for the villains, I think. I really liked the ending, and the discovery of what was so valuable - and that that importance had been conveyed to the robot.
There were a couple of things that might bring clarity for a reader. For one, I had somehow imagined the narrator was a woman, and didn't get to the pronoun "him" until he was in the hospital. When it said, "...few that embarked," I was wondering how they assembled and where they started from. Also, you might want the men who were killed by the gargoyles to have individual identities or personalities, even with brief actions or adjectives.
There was one sentence: " Rusty was finally begin to..." that I think was just lost in the editing process.
Great conclusion!
   |
The photo was perfect for the story, and I really liked the format and pacing you used. Gargoyles were a good choice for the villains, I think. I really liked the ending, and the discovery of what was so valuable - and that that importance had been conveyed to the robot.
There were a couple of things that might bring clarity for a reader. For one, I had somehow imagined the narrator was a woman, and didn't get to the pronoun "him" until he was in the hospital. When it said, "...few that embarked," I was wondering how they assembled and where they started from. Also, you might want the men who were killed by the gargoyles to have individual identities or personalities, even with brief actions or adjectives.
There was one sentence: " Rusty was finally begin to..." that I think was just lost in the editing process.
Great conclusion!
Comment Written 20-Mar-2024
Comment from charlene7190
Wow, Rusty carried THE most important tapes in the world!!! And protecting not only those but memorizing all 66 books of the Bible just in case. Well done.
 |
Wow, Rusty carried THE most important tapes in the world!!! And protecting not only those but memorizing all 66 books of the Bible just in case. Well done.
Comment Written 19-Mar-2024
Comment from Dawn Munro
Oh wow! What a riveting story, and so touching! I enjoyed this immensely, and I never would have guessed where it was heading. well done indeed! Best of luck in the contest!!!
|
Oh wow! What a riveting story, and so touching! I enjoyed this immensely, and I never would have guessed where it was heading. well done indeed! Best of luck in the contest!!!
Comment Written 19-Mar-2024
Comment from Esther Brown
Made me laugh and had to read to my hubby. Noticed one quotation in the wrong place...easy fix. You are versatile. Made me think of my brother's writing. He writes parables with a spiritual application. Was a missionary and has wonderful stories.
Esther
|
Made me laugh and had to read to my hubby. Noticed one quotation in the wrong place...easy fix. You are versatile. Made me think of my brother's writing. He writes parables with a spiritual application. Was a missionary and has wonderful stories.
Esther
Comment Written 19-Mar-2024
Comment from SimianSavant
LOL while this is one of the most unrealistic sci-fi premises I have heard, it was still entertaining. I have a version of the New Testament in an app on my phone and there are dozens of translations a hyperlink away. Now if you were to slightly alter this to be about getting uncensored Bibles into China, that would be more realistic. However, your scenario is more dramatic, akin to Fahrenheit 451, if I remember right.
I liked your short sentences and bias towards action. That made this very readable compared to a lot of the exhausting longer works I have looked at recently.
I hoped this time it would be necessary. <= my favorite line
Proofreading: you left little for me to catch
Our puny pistols were no match to their rays <= FOR their rays
I guess they figured he was too much of a foe <= comma
thrust him up <= not sure what this means
a Gargoyle thrust something sharp into my side and I fell. <= this would be a good spot for a break:
* * *
That wasn't enough edits for me to dock a star. Nice work and thanks for the read!
Best regards,
CC
|
LOL while this is one of the most unrealistic sci-fi premises I have heard, it was still entertaining. I have a version of the New Testament in an app on my phone and there are dozens of translations a hyperlink away. Now if you were to slightly alter this to be about getting uncensored Bibles into China, that would be more realistic. However, your scenario is more dramatic, akin to Fahrenheit 451, if I remember right.
I liked your short sentences and bias towards action. That made this very readable compared to a lot of the exhausting longer works I have looked at recently.
I hoped this time it would be necessary. <= my favorite line
Proofreading: you left little for me to catch
Our puny pistols were no match to their rays <= FOR their rays
I guess they figured he was too much of a foe <= comma
thrust him up <= not sure what this means
a Gargoyle thrust something sharp into my side and I fell. <= this would be a good spot for a break:
* * *
That wasn't enough edits for me to dock a star. Nice work and thanks for the read!
Best regards,
CC
Comment Written 18-Mar-2024
Comment from Julie Helms
This reminds me of the storyline from the movie The Book of Eli. It's a great idea that the Lord preserves his Word no matter what, and that he uses people to do it. Gargoyles was an interesting term for the invaders. With so much apocalyptic stuff out now, it must be a challenge to find a unique word that still conveys what you want it to.
Best of luck in the contest! Julie
|
This reminds me of the storyline from the movie The Book of Eli. It's a great idea that the Lord preserves his Word no matter what, and that he uses people to do it. Gargoyles was an interesting term for the invaders. With so much apocalyptic stuff out now, it must be a challenge to find a unique word that still conveys what you want it to.
Best of luck in the contest! Julie
Comment Written 18-Mar-2024
Comment from Wayne Fowler
Nice story. Well written.
It put me in mind of the Denzel Washington movie, 'Eli'.
It looked like Rusty was finally begin to turn his full offence - (beginning?)(offense?)
Best wishes.
|
Nice story. Well written.
It put me in mind of the Denzel Washington movie, 'Eli'.
It looked like Rusty was finally begin to turn his full offence - (beginning?)(offense?)
Best wishes.
Comment Written 18-Mar-2024
Comment from Mintybee
I figured out it probably wasn't a bomb. I didn't see the Bible coming. The story moved very quickly. There was a certain amount of distance between the reader and the story as the reader doesn't know the mission, or have a history with the characters or the world they live in, and everything is told succinctly without much detail. But you kept the tone and voice steady throughout and it was a good read.
Mintybee
|
I figured out it probably wasn't a bomb. I didn't see the Bible coming. The story moved very quickly. There was a certain amount of distance between the reader and the story as the reader doesn't know the mission, or have a history with the characters or the world they live in, and everything is told succinctly without much detail. But you kept the tone and voice steady throughout and it was a good read.
Mintybee
Comment Written 18-Mar-2024
Comment from LJbutterfly
Since I never read science fiction, I didn't know how to process the enemy killing the main characters. What was the benefit of having a robot, I wondered. However, your story is written in such a compelling way, the reader has to follow it to its conclusion for answers. The ending was quite creative and satisfying. I listened to every word of the song, "The Bible Stands," and it gave your entire story a more emotional and spiritual meaning.
Well done. Best wishes in the contest.
|
Since I never read science fiction, I didn't know how to process the enemy killing the main characters. What was the benefit of having a robot, I wondered. However, your story is written in such a compelling way, the reader has to follow it to its conclusion for answers. The ending was quite creative and satisfying. I listened to every word of the song, "The Bible Stands," and it gave your entire story a more emotional and spiritual meaning.
Well done. Best wishes in the contest.
Comment Written 18-Mar-2024
Comment from Wendy Rappeport
I enjoyed the rapid succession of elimination, as the Gargoyles killed off the members of the mission, I was totally surprised by the revelation of what secret treasure the robot was carrying
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
|
I enjoyed the rapid succession of elimination, as the Gargoyles killed off the members of the mission, I was totally surprised by the revelation of what secret treasure the robot was carrying
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 18-Mar-2024
