Deflorescence
Adolescent loss of virginity5 total reviews
Comment from Saki the Artist
Props to that! I like how snappy and witty this was. Good rhyme and meter. Excellent closing paragraph and punchline. You managed to tell not only the story but also fit it into couplet form with good pacing.
The pacing is actually what makes this a stand-out poem. The first three stanzas are twice as fast (two beats per line) as the second three (4 beats per line), which clearly symbolize that you were in an excited rush to get it over with, and then once you finally did it, you slowed down to take time to process what you had actually done. Great transition on the first line of the 4th stanza, with the internal rhyme--it was the perfect glue between the tight rhymes and the more spaced-out ones coming up.
reply by the author on 16-Mar-2024
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Props to that! I like how snappy and witty this was. Good rhyme and meter. Excellent closing paragraph and punchline. You managed to tell not only the story but also fit it into couplet form with good pacing.
The pacing is actually what makes this a stand-out poem. The first three stanzas are twice as fast (two beats per line) as the second three (4 beats per line), which clearly symbolize that you were in an excited rush to get it over with, and then once you finally did it, you slowed down to take time to process what you had actually done. Great transition on the first line of the 4th stanza, with the internal rhyme--it was the perfect glue between the tight rhymes and the more spaced-out ones coming up.
Comment Written 16-Mar-2024
reply by the author on 16-Mar-2024
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So kind, Saki. The change of pace/rhythm was deliberate. I?m glad you think it works. Cheers, Terry.
Comment from Sallyo
Frankie Pft!
This is clever, funny and, alas, realistic.
I found a couple of nits...
"It matters" they told me;
My pals chatter, they scold me.
"We're real women" they brayed,
"It matters," they told me;
My pals chatter, they scold me.
"We're real women," they brayed
Also, chatter and scold are present tense, whereas told and brayed are past.
reply by the author on 14-Mar-2024
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Frankie Pft!
This is clever, funny and, alas, realistic.
I found a couple of nits...
"It matters" they told me;
My pals chatter, they scold me.
"We're real women" they brayed,
"It matters," they told me;
My pals chatter, they scold me.
"We're real women," they brayed
Also, chatter and scold are present tense, whereas told and brayed are past.
Comment Written 14-Mar-2024
reply by the author on 14-Mar-2024
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Thanks, Sallyo. I?ve just spotted the nits. Cheers, Terry.
Comment from Debbie D'Arcy
I think you told this story in a very readable and relatable way. I enjoyed the change of rhythm from the first 3 stanzas (the preliminaries) to the more expressive description leading up to the longer-term impact of this cursory adventure of virginity loss. A vivid, honest and entertaining verse with assured rhyme and straight-talking sentiments! Good luck! Debbie
reply by the author on 13-Mar-2024
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I think you told this story in a very readable and relatable way. I enjoyed the change of rhythm from the first 3 stanzas (the preliminaries) to the more expressive description leading up to the longer-term impact of this cursory adventure of virginity loss. A vivid, honest and entertaining verse with assured rhyme and straight-talking sentiments! Good luck! Debbie
Comment Written 13-Mar-2024
reply by the author on 13-Mar-2024
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Thanks so much, Debbie. The change of rhythm was deliberate. I?m glad you think it works. Cheers, Terry.
Comment from Jesse James Doty
Cute poetry with clever lines and a punch, in the end, to show how you learned by doing in those early years so long ago. Well written and full of fun for him not you so you learned the best way is to make sure you come first which is always a good idea.
Entertaining and a learning curve to be sure.
Jesse
reply by the author on 13-Mar-2024
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Cute poetry with clever lines and a punch, in the end, to show how you learned by doing in those early years so long ago. Well written and full of fun for him not you so you learned the best way is to make sure you come first which is always a good idea.
Entertaining and a learning curve to be sure.
Jesse
Comment Written 13-Mar-2024
reply by the author on 13-Mar-2024
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Thanks, Jesse. Good that you weren?t put off by the necessary warning. Lots of people will automatically leave that and pass by.
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I usually don't pass by the ones with a warning there are a lot of good stories to read.
Yours was one of them.
Comment from SimianSavant
This first entry in the contest is really well written, and totally unexpected, giving it one hell of a punch. Bravo.
A couple small observations and suggestions:
The abstract painting is a great choice. If you go to the advanced options at the bottom of the editing screen, and change the image size, this should cause the orphaned text to the right of the image to show up below the image instead, as I suspect you intended. If you have any trouble, figuring this out, just let me know, and I will provide screenshots.
Said and laid, spoken with a typical American accent, do not rhyme even though they appear to as written. If you are from a reason where they do rhyme, pay this observation no heed. Otherwise, laid is probably the better word of the two to keep, and you can look on rhymezone for alternatives like stayed, bade, wade. However: The awkwardness and inconsistent cadence of the first stanza is so different from the others that it is kind of a cool effect. If you embrace that awkwardness as cohesive with the awkwardness of the scenario itself which you have depicted, then don't change a thing. It kind of works.
Great work once again and thanks for the read,
Harambe (for President)
reply by the author on 12-Mar-2024
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This first entry in the contest is really well written, and totally unexpected, giving it one hell of a punch. Bravo.
A couple small observations and suggestions:
The abstract painting is a great choice. If you go to the advanced options at the bottom of the editing screen, and change the image size, this should cause the orphaned text to the right of the image to show up below the image instead, as I suspect you intended. If you have any trouble, figuring this out, just let me know, and I will provide screenshots.
Said and laid, spoken with a typical American accent, do not rhyme even though they appear to as written. If you are from a reason where they do rhyme, pay this observation no heed. Otherwise, laid is probably the better word of the two to keep, and you can look on rhymezone for alternatives like stayed, bade, wade. However: The awkwardness and inconsistent cadence of the first stanza is so different from the others that it is kind of a cool effect. If you embrace that awkwardness as cohesive with the awkwardness of the scenario itself which you have depicted, then don't change a thing. It kind of works.
Great work once again and thanks for the read,
Harambe (for President)
Comment Written 11-Mar-2024
reply by the author on 12-Mar-2024
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Thank you so much, H. I can?t figure out which of the icons in Advance Editor I should use to increase the image size.
Sometimes you may have to experiment a bit but usually small or medium works for me.
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Yeah. Terrific. That has fixed it. Many thanks.
