Lair Of The Seductress
Viewing comments for Chapter 8 "All Hell Breaks Loose "Book Four Wolf Bend Series
10 total reviews
Comment from royowen
Wow, that would play havoc with one's own personal mental condition, if a loved one was taken and the rescue uncovered them still out of it, either their mental condition was destroyed or that enforced drugs were in vogue, well done, beautifully written Douglas, blessings Roy
Typo : found the bad guy(')s hide out.
reply by the author on 28-Feb-2024
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Wow, that would play havoc with one's own personal mental condition, if a loved one was taken and the rescue uncovered them still out of it, either their mental condition was destroyed or that enforced drugs were in vogue, well done, beautifully written Douglas, blessings Roy
Typo : found the bad guy(')s hide out.
Comment Written 27-Feb-2024
reply by the author on 28-Feb-2024
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Thank you, Sir! I appreciate the catch. D
Comment from Faith Williams
Wow, great chapter, Douglas. I definitely get the speed and the chaos of a firefight.
Suggestions to consider:
'All four men wore black FBI bullet proof vests.' I believe 'bulletproof' should be one word.
'I'm in no mood for bullshit, nor (did) I have time.' I think the word should be 'do' to stay in the same tense.
'Give my boys and (I) twenty minutes.' I believe it should be 'me' instead of 'I'.
'Jesse handed Greg an M-4 he had just pulled out of the gun locker (they had stored them in) located in the rear of his Blazer.' I'm not sure what happened here, but I think you could delete the part in parentheses.
'Twenty minutes later the four FBI agents and a dozen police officers (quickly made their way) down the dirt road towards the cabins.' I think you could switch this out for a stronger verb, maybe hurried?
'At the same time, Shots rang out... ' Shots does not need to be capitalized.
'(Greg saw) the man's face explode as his officer's semi-automatic rifle found its mark and brought the criminal down.' There is filtering in this sentence. You've already established POV, so you could just describe the action--'The man's face exploded as... '
'Then they (hear) a moan.' So, this is filtering again, but one that makes sense. If you keep this sentence, you should change it to 'heard' to keep the tense consistence. You could also use something like, 'A moan escaped the room.'
'Officer Kelsey came crawling through the door opening, and Greg and (her) stuffed some old clothing into and over Jesse's wounds, to try and stop the bleeding.' So, I think you could split this long sentence into two--'Officer Kelsey came crawling through the door opening. She and Greg stuffed some old... ' No comma needed after 'wounds'.
'Bullets (could be heard zinging) over their heads.' Again, filtering here. You could switch out the parentheses for 'zinged'.
I'm beginning to think Greg is cursed. Or maybe the spirits recognize something in Greg. Whatever it is, it certainly makes for a good story.
reply by the author on 28-Feb-2024
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Wow, great chapter, Douglas. I definitely get the speed and the chaos of a firefight.
Suggestions to consider:
'All four men wore black FBI bullet proof vests.' I believe 'bulletproof' should be one word.
'I'm in no mood for bullshit, nor (did) I have time.' I think the word should be 'do' to stay in the same tense.
'Give my boys and (I) twenty minutes.' I believe it should be 'me' instead of 'I'.
'Jesse handed Greg an M-4 he had just pulled out of the gun locker (they had stored them in) located in the rear of his Blazer.' I'm not sure what happened here, but I think you could delete the part in parentheses.
'Twenty minutes later the four FBI agents and a dozen police officers (quickly made their way) down the dirt road towards the cabins.' I think you could switch this out for a stronger verb, maybe hurried?
'At the same time, Shots rang out... ' Shots does not need to be capitalized.
'(Greg saw) the man's face explode as his officer's semi-automatic rifle found its mark and brought the criminal down.' There is filtering in this sentence. You've already established POV, so you could just describe the action--'The man's face exploded as... '
'Then they (hear) a moan.' So, this is filtering again, but one that makes sense. If you keep this sentence, you should change it to 'heard' to keep the tense consistence. You could also use something like, 'A moan escaped the room.'
'Officer Kelsey came crawling through the door opening, and Greg and (her) stuffed some old clothing into and over Jesse's wounds, to try and stop the bleeding.' So, I think you could split this long sentence into two--'Officer Kelsey came crawling through the door opening. She and Greg stuffed some old... ' No comma needed after 'wounds'.
'Bullets (could be heard zinging) over their heads.' Again, filtering here. You could switch out the parentheses for 'zinged'.
I'm beginning to think Greg is cursed. Or maybe the spirits recognize something in Greg. Whatever it is, it certainly makes for a good story.
Comment Written 26-Feb-2024
reply by the author on 28-Feb-2024
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Yah! Thanks for the awesome help. I hope all is well with you!
Comment from Julie Helms
Wow! Fast paced and action packed. Really well written!
A few spots for your consideration:
Give my boys and I twenty minutes (Give me and my boys...)
At the same time, Shots rang out (small s shots)
Then they hear a moan. (Heard)
and Greg and her stuffed some old clothing (she and Greg stuffed...)
Great stuff!
Julie
reply by the author on 25-Feb-2024
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Wow! Fast paced and action packed. Really well written!
A few spots for your consideration:
Give my boys and I twenty minutes (Give me and my boys...)
At the same time, Shots rang out (small s shots)
Then they hear a moan. (Heard)
and Greg and her stuffed some old clothing (she and Greg stuffed...)
Great stuff!
Julie
Comment Written 25-Feb-2024
reply by the author on 25-Feb-2024
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Thank you! I really appreciate the edits. It is my weak spot! I'd give you all my nominations if the system would allow it!
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No problem. It's how my brain works. Really enjoying the story!
Comment from Tom Horonzy
Where did you go? It seems two weeks since your last release. Maybe I have become impatient in my gloaming years. Or, did I miss some releases you have made?
reply by the author on 25-Feb-2024
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Where did you go? It seems two weeks since your last release. Maybe I have become impatient in my gloaming years. Or, did I miss some releases you have made?
Comment Written 25-Feb-2024
reply by the author on 25-Feb-2024
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Nope, you reviewed it. We had a discussion about my potty mouth and your Marine buddies. I did switch out the F word as it was too racy for FS. Did you like the shootout?
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Aah. The memory has returned.
Jessie's shot. The wife mumbling. Who shot Jessie from afar, and did the returning barrage hit its traget.
Comment from Karen Cherry Threadgill
This is moving along lickety-split. I am enthralled. I want more. Now. This is so intriguing and involved, I enjoy seeing what you come up with. I wanna see lilith. :-) Karen
reply by the author on 25-Feb-2024
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This is moving along lickety-split. I am enthralled. I want more. Now. This is so intriguing and involved, I enjoy seeing what you come up with. I wanna see lilith. :-) Karen
Comment Written 25-Feb-2024
reply by the author on 25-Feb-2024
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Ouch. The three hurts, but I do appreciate your kind words. This shoot-out chapter was actually one of my favorites in this book, my friend.
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I did not know I gave you a three it has been corrected. My finger was bad, So sorry.
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No worries. I don't worry about stars . I get a lot of 3's and 4's and even a courtesy 2 here and there. The chance to feign outrage made it fun. Your words are what matters to me because i consider you a friend. We're so much alike. I'm certain we were besties, lovers, twins, or Scooby and Shaggy in a former life.
Douglas
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I am velma.
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HA! You are a bit edgier than that!
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Okay I am a cross between Temperance and Angela on "Bones
Comment from Ricky1024
Another interesting chapter in this book.
I do recall reading this quite a while ago so I guess you're just reintroducing your book another time?
Anywho thanks for sharing Douglas and have a wonderful week!
Doctor Ricky
reply by the author on 25-Feb-2024
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Another interesting chapter in this book.
I do recall reading this quite a while ago so I guess you're just reintroducing your book another time?
Anywho thanks for sharing Douglas and have a wonderful week!
Doctor Ricky
Comment Written 25-Feb-2024
reply by the author on 25-Feb-2024
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No Doc, it?s a series. This is the 4th book. Thanks for jumping in!
Comment from Debbie D'Arcy
I'm trying to keep up with all this action, Doug, which is happening at literally break-neck speed. As ever, your ability to create these hellish scenes is exemplary and I'm only thankful that Jenny is so high on heroine that she provides some amusing light relief. I'm otherwise exhausted but impressed by the power of your prose. Well done! Debbie
reply by the author on 25-Feb-2024
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I'm trying to keep up with all this action, Doug, which is happening at literally break-neck speed. As ever, your ability to create these hellish scenes is exemplary and I'm only thankful that Jenny is so high on heroine that she provides some amusing light relief. I'm otherwise exhausted but impressed by the power of your prose. Well done! Debbie
Comment Written 25-Feb-2024
reply by the author on 25-Feb-2024
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Do you think it?s too fast paced? Someone told me last month that I didn?t belong on this site. Said it was like ACDC doing a concert in an old age home. I think
it was meant to discourage me, but I took it as a compliment. This was meant to be a horror/thriller series. Still, I?m only posting one chapter a week. . .
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Mind you I love that comment and I would be proud too. It's so difficult because you're trying to get a lot into a relatively short and readable chapter. And after all, this is how shootouts go. Stick with it. It's your style and you do it well.
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Tank you, Debbie, You are a huge encouragement to me!
Comment from barbara.wilkey
Greg is getting himself in trouble. I knew he would. It's who he is. I do hope they did nothing more to Jenny than pump her full of heroin. I really like this story.
All four men wore black FBI bullet proof vests. (question: In my Sami and Noah novel I talk about Kelvar vests should I use bullet proof vests?)
"Let's go get your wife back." ( think under the circumstances he would say - "Let's get your wife back." )
reply by the author on 25-Feb-2024
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Greg is getting himself in trouble. I knew he would. It's who he is. I do hope they did nothing more to Jenny than pump her full of heroin. I really like this story.
All four men wore black FBI bullet proof vests. (question: In my Sami and Noah novel I talk about Kelvar vests should I use bullet proof vests?)
"Let's go get your wife back." ( think under the circumstances he would say - "Let's get your wife back." )
Comment Written 25-Feb-2024
reply by the author on 25-Feb-2024
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Goodness, I just got a 3 star on this chapter. I'm hoping it was an accident like mine on your, as I really liked how this one came together.
The military calls it Kevlar vests. The LEO world calls them bullet proof vests. I've been in both worlds and both are correct!
Thank you for the six, my friend.
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I went back and checked to make sure it wasn't me. I thought I'd given you a six. The same person gave me a three once and she meant it. LOl
Comment from Wayne Fowler
Nice action. Glad none of the good guys got shot in the face!
At one point you began four paragraphs in a row with 'Greg'. Maybe a bit of variety in wording?
Best wishes.
reply by the author on 25-Feb-2024
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Nice action. Glad none of the good guys got shot in the face!
At one point you began four paragraphs in a row with 'Greg'. Maybe a bit of variety in wording?
Best wishes.
Comment Written 25-Feb-2024
reply by the author on 25-Feb-2024
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Thanks, Wayne. Great catch. I appreciate you.
D
Comment from Michael Ludwinder
This new chapter intensifies the suspense and action of the story. I like how you are pacing this. As the cops close in on the cabin where Jenny, is being held captive - you can feel the tension rise. I'm curious what's going to happen now!
reply by the author on 25-Feb-2024
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This new chapter intensifies the suspense and action of the story. I like how you are pacing this. As the cops close in on the cabin where Jenny, is being held captive - you can feel the tension rise. I'm curious what's going to happen now!
Comment Written 25-Feb-2024
reply by the author on 25-Feb-2024
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Thank you! Glad you jumped in!