Love Honor and a Mail Order Bride
Viewing comments for Chapter 2 "Uninvited Company"Indian girl vies for the heart of a homesteader
10 total reviews
Comment from BethShelby
This is a good story. It seems he has feeling for thei Indian girl but with his mailorder bride on the way and the townfolks spreading rumors, he doesn't quite no what to do.
reply by the author on 23-Feb-2024
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This is a good story. It seems he has feeling for thei Indian girl but with his mailorder bride on the way and the townfolks spreading rumors, he doesn't quite no what to do.
Comment Written 23-Feb-2024
reply by the author on 23-Feb-2024
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Thanks Beth. Nothing like an Indian girl and a mail order bride to bring drama to a town starved for some. LOL Appreciate you.
Comment from lyenochka
Well, it seems that the Rayburns were just being neighborly and bringing vegetables. But what they assumed about Luke was pretty low and now the rumors will fly. A great second chapter! Congratulations again on your second place win for the first chapter!
"Names Aiyana," Luke said. (Name's) for Name is
"Yes, Ma'am." Cole scratched his head (Luke) since in other places you use his first name
reply by the author on 20-Feb-2024
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Well, it seems that the Rayburns were just being neighborly and bringing vegetables. But what they assumed about Luke was pretty low and now the rumors will fly. A great second chapter! Congratulations again on your second place win for the first chapter!
"Names Aiyana," Luke said. (Name's) for Name is
"Yes, Ma'am." Cole scratched his head (Luke) since in other places you use his first name
Comment Written 20-Feb-2024
reply by the author on 20-Feb-2024
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Thanks so much from me and all you do for others on site
Comment from Wayne Fowler
Nicely written. Nice dialogue.
Luke Put up his hands - lower case 'put'
Guess what? Luke will be the conversation of the town whether he likes it or not. He needs to just go ahead and decide to marry her, or carry her away somewhere.
Best wishes.
reply by the author on 19-Feb-2024
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Nicely written. Nice dialogue.
Luke Put up his hands - lower case 'put'
Guess what? Luke will be the conversation of the town whether he likes it or not. He needs to just go ahead and decide to marry her, or carry her away somewhere.
Best wishes.
Comment Written 19-Feb-2024
reply by the author on 19-Feb-2024
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I like your sense of where I'm going with this. Appreciate you and the positives. Thanks!
Comment from CrystieCookie999
Wow. This is well-done. I had to keep reading after this line: Sleep came over him like a lid on a deep well.
Another favorite line: Couldn't leave her where the wolves form a circle."
Content absolutely merits six stars.
Little fixes:
Luke stumbled over the edge of the bed in his red Long Johns and stood over the railing looking down where it appeared Aiyana was sound asleep.
No need to capitalize long johns.
Add a comma after railing.
His dog rested her snout over Aiyana's ribs while she was curled into a ball.
For some reason I had to stop and think if it was the dog curled into a ball or Aiyana. Maybe try:
His dog, curled into a ball, rested her snout over Aiyana's ribs.
Without a word, she slipped outside with Luke's robe that was hung on a nail.
I think this is only slightly awkward, but maybe it sounds better as:
Without a word, she slipped outside with Luke's robe that had been hung on a nail.
Luke respected her privacy, as he slipped into the icy waters, Long Johns and all.
No need to capitalize long johns.
It's been a sleepy town, with a population of one hundred and forty-seven. It would be plus one, should they consider a misplaced Indian girl in their mists.
I think you mean:
It was a sleepy town, with a population of one hundred and forty-seven. It would be plus one, should they consider a misplaced Indian girl in their midst.
There have been a few times Indians wandered into town looking to trade for food.
Change to: There had been a few times Indians wandered into town, looking to trade for food.
Sweat formed on Luke's brow, as he looked back toward the falls where Aiyana must have submerged herself to hide.
I think it reads better as:
Sweat formed on Luke's brow as he looked back toward the falls, where Aiyana must have submerged herself to hide.
She Looked at her husband, who shrugged his shoulders.
change Looked to looked
"What was I supposed to do.
Put a question mark after do.
The Lord knows those town folks have been bored,
Change have to had
Fretting was all Luke could do, as he turned to spy on Aiyana hiding behind the falls.
I think, since he had been trying very hard not to look that direction, it might be better to replace the word 'spy.' Maybe try:
Fretting was all Luke could do, as he turned to spot Aiyana, still hiding behind the falls.
Or maybe 'locate' instead of 'spot.' Your choice there.
You do such an excellent job on showing rather than telling, that it inspires me to go back to my western novel still in the beginning chapters and re-write them again.
reply by the author on 19-Feb-2024
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Wow. This is well-done. I had to keep reading after this line: Sleep came over him like a lid on a deep well.
Another favorite line: Couldn't leave her where the wolves form a circle."
Content absolutely merits six stars.
Little fixes:
Luke stumbled over the edge of the bed in his red Long Johns and stood over the railing looking down where it appeared Aiyana was sound asleep.
No need to capitalize long johns.
Add a comma after railing.
His dog rested her snout over Aiyana's ribs while she was curled into a ball.
For some reason I had to stop and think if it was the dog curled into a ball or Aiyana. Maybe try:
His dog, curled into a ball, rested her snout over Aiyana's ribs.
Without a word, she slipped outside with Luke's robe that was hung on a nail.
I think this is only slightly awkward, but maybe it sounds better as:
Without a word, she slipped outside with Luke's robe that had been hung on a nail.
Luke respected her privacy, as he slipped into the icy waters, Long Johns and all.
No need to capitalize long johns.
It's been a sleepy town, with a population of one hundred and forty-seven. It would be plus one, should they consider a misplaced Indian girl in their mists.
I think you mean:
It was a sleepy town, with a population of one hundred and forty-seven. It would be plus one, should they consider a misplaced Indian girl in their midst.
There have been a few times Indians wandered into town looking to trade for food.
Change to: There had been a few times Indians wandered into town, looking to trade for food.
Sweat formed on Luke's brow, as he looked back toward the falls where Aiyana must have submerged herself to hide.
I think it reads better as:
Sweat formed on Luke's brow as he looked back toward the falls, where Aiyana must have submerged herself to hide.
She Looked at her husband, who shrugged his shoulders.
change Looked to looked
"What was I supposed to do.
Put a question mark after do.
The Lord knows those town folks have been bored,
Change have to had
Fretting was all Luke could do, as he turned to spy on Aiyana hiding behind the falls.
I think, since he had been trying very hard not to look that direction, it might be better to replace the word 'spy.' Maybe try:
Fretting was all Luke could do, as he turned to spot Aiyana, still hiding behind the falls.
Or maybe 'locate' instead of 'spot.' Your choice there.
You do such an excellent job on showing rather than telling, that it inspires me to go back to my western novel still in the beginning chapters and re-write them again.
Comment Written 19-Feb-2024
reply by the author on 19-Feb-2024
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Appreciate the editing help here. I've got your notes, and I'm going seriously make some of those sentences make sense with your help. You could have easily given me less stars. I appreciate that you rewarded my content without penalty. Blessings...I'm making changes next...
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Well...I must admit I avoided reading a few posts today from other writers because the content made me squirm. Of course the characters can have dreams, and people will have baths, but how nice to keep it short and keep going.
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Humbly grateful for your input.
Comment from barbara.wilkey
It will be interesting to see what the townsfolks do and how Luke handles this situation. I can't wait to read more.
"Land sakes!" Cried Lilian Rayburn. "Indians!" Her horse raised up and kicked its front legs, as if to flee. (sakes!" cried)
Luke Put up his hands. "Hold on now, easy does it." (put)
Mr. Rayburn spoke up. "Well, I suppose we ought to get back, and let you work out your situation with the squaw." (up,)
"It's okay!" He yelled. (Okay!" he yelled)
reply by the author on 19-Feb-2024
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It will be interesting to see what the townsfolks do and how Luke handles this situation. I can't wait to read more.
"Land sakes!" Cried Lilian Rayburn. "Indians!" Her horse raised up and kicked its front legs, as if to flee. (sakes!" cried)
Luke Put up his hands. "Hold on now, easy does it." (put)
Mr. Rayburn spoke up. "Well, I suppose we ought to get back, and let you work out your situation with the squaw." (up,)
"It's okay!" He yelled. (Okay!" he yelled)
Comment Written 19-Feb-2024
reply by the author on 19-Feb-2024
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Thanks Barb! I always appreciate all the editing help I can get to make it better. Fixing it...
Comment from patcelaw
This is a very well written, interesting interesting story. I enjoyed listening to it moves along well as it is being read aloud to me. I wish you the very best with all of your writing and I wish you a good week.
reply by the author on 19-Feb-2024
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This is a very well written, interesting interesting story. I enjoyed listening to it moves along well as it is being read aloud to me. I wish you the very best with all of your writing and I wish you a good week.
Comment Written 19-Feb-2024
reply by the author on 19-Feb-2024
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Thanks Pat!
Comment from davisr (Rhonda)
A really good story, Stan. I like the plot, situation and characters. The nosy neighbors showing up at the least opportune moment was a great touch.
Thank you for sharing,
Rhonda
reply by the author on 19-Feb-2024
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A really good story, Stan. I like the plot, situation and characters. The nosy neighbors showing up at the least opportune moment was a great touch.
Thank you for sharing,
Rhonda
Comment Written 19-Feb-2024
reply by the author on 19-Feb-2024
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Thanks Rhonda! Hoping my plot perks interest.
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It does, indeed.
Comment from Jasmine Girl
"Luke's Tale" is a compelling narrative that deftly explores themes of identity, acceptance, and the consequences of societal norms. With its vivid imagery and nuanced characterizations, the story captivates readers from start to finish, leaving them eager to follow Luke's journey as he navigates the challenges of his rugged frontier existence.
Well done.
reply by the author on 19-Feb-2024
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"Luke's Tale" is a compelling narrative that deftly explores themes of identity, acceptance, and the consequences of societal norms. With its vivid imagery and nuanced characterizations, the story captivates readers from start to finish, leaving them eager to follow Luke's journey as he navigates the challenges of his rugged frontier existence.
Well done.
Comment Written 19-Feb-2024
reply by the author on 19-Feb-2024
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Thanks. Appreciate your detailed observations.
Comment from royowen
There was a word we use here when taken by surprise, one gets the likes of Mrs Rayburn in this day and age too. But who knows what will happen from now, I think racism was worse in those days. I liked your great chapter Stan, an excellent post, blessings Roy
reply by the author on 19-Feb-2024
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There was a word we use here when taken by surprise, one gets the likes of Mrs Rayburn in this day and age too. But who knows what will happen from now, I think racism was worse in those days. I liked your great chapter Stan, an excellent post, blessings Roy
Comment Written 19-Feb-2024
reply by the author on 19-Feb-2024
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Thanks Roy!
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most bwelcome
Comment from Ben Colder
Gossip in the wind. Good one, Bro. It would make a good movie if you could keep it clean but I would doubt that for this evil generation. Bring it on.
reply by the author on 19-Feb-2024
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Gossip in the wind. Good one, Bro. It would make a good movie if you could keep it clean but I would doubt that for this evil generation. Bring it on.
Comment Written 19-Feb-2024
reply by the author on 19-Feb-2024
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Thanks Big Ben! It will be something that could be sold on Christian venues. I'll be taking a page from Louis LaMoure, the famed western author.