Commentary and Philosophy
Viewing comments for Chapter 154 "Primordial Slime"My thoughts about t
8 total reviews
Comment from Lisasview
I am such a lover of metaphors.... and reading you words I felt you incorporated many...really good...
Watching the news tonight... again... gosh what a mess...
Lisa
reply by the author on 08-Feb-2024
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I am such a lover of metaphors.... and reading you words I felt you incorporated many...really good...
Watching the news tonight... again... gosh what a mess...
Lisa
Comment Written 08-Feb-2024
reply by the author on 08-Feb-2024
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Thank you Lisa. I am pleased you appreciated the metaphors.
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I am still up... so you are welcome...
Comment from sherrygreywolf
Wow. I haven't read anything this powerful in awhile. Depressing, but powerful. You have put to words the horrible place our world is currently in. Especially loved the phrases "silent steel butterflies" and "sucking muck of primal slime" ! Couldn't give you less than six stars for this incredible piece of work.
reply by the author on 07-Feb-2024
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Wow. I haven't read anything this powerful in awhile. Depressing, but powerful. You have put to words the horrible place our world is currently in. Especially loved the phrases "silent steel butterflies" and "sucking muck of primal slime" ! Couldn't give you less than six stars for this incredible piece of work.
Comment Written 07-Feb-2024
reply by the author on 07-Feb-2024
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Thank you Sherry. It is depressing, I readily agree. I am pleased you liked my metaphors and similes. Your review and comments are greatly appreciated. That you considered it powerful validates my intent. I fully appreciate the stars as well.
Comment from Nottoway
This to me represents a great truth about the ages old animosities and complications in the region. Each bombing/attack of every kind does continue to unleash the "primordial soup" that is!
GREAT!
reply by the author on 06-Feb-2024
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This to me represents a great truth about the ages old animosities and complications in the region. Each bombing/attack of every kind does continue to unleash the "primordial soup" that is!
GREAT!
Comment Written 06-Feb-2024
reply by the author on 06-Feb-2024
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Thank you Nottoway. In your career I'm sure you experienced it. I really appreciate your review and comments here. Also the star award. I am grateful you took the time to read it.
Comment from Julie Helms
Your vivid imagery is fantastic. Steel butterflies, sleeping radars, spewing ancient rot, vomiting volcano etc. all so expressive and creative.
The overall feeling of this piece I think is reflected in how a lot of people are feeling: frustration, anger, disgust with the world leaders who play these games at the expense of the people they have no respect for.
I think you were a little hard on Biden in your note... After all he didn't look at his watch this time. (Sarcasm)
Thank you for writing this. Julie
reply by the author on 06-Feb-2024
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Your vivid imagery is fantastic. Steel butterflies, sleeping radars, spewing ancient rot, vomiting volcano etc. all so expressive and creative.
The overall feeling of this piece I think is reflected in how a lot of people are feeling: frustration, anger, disgust with the world leaders who play these games at the expense of the people they have no respect for.
I think you were a little hard on Biden in your note... After all he didn't look at his watch this time. (Sarcasm)
Thank you for writing this. Julie
Comment Written 06-Feb-2024
reply by the author on 06-Feb-2024
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Thank you Julie. I really like your comments. Thanks for taking the time to read my poem. Yes, I noticed he kept his gloves on this time, and was likely sternly warned.
Comment from SimianSavant
There are things that simply demand to be written and this is one of them. I remember the day the suicide bombs went off in Afghanistan during Biden's botched withdrawal, and it was infuriating enough that I wrote a short poem about it and went looking for a place to post it -- and discovered Fanstory.
Back to your piece. You pull no punches here, with incredibly vivid imagery. Steel butterflies; a vomiting volcano. You are well on a way to a six out of five with this piece. I think there might be a couple things you could do to get it there.
The passive voice in some places doesn't quite fit with this hellish kinetic energy:
arousing pain/
arousing violent counteraction <= maybe use a different, much more specific line in place of "arousing pain". You are very talented and can surely upgrade this line, if you feel so inclined
Reaching up CAUSES anguish <= maybe something like "an arm reaches up in anguish"?
THAT GRIPS the soul <= maybe "gripping the soul"?
When weeping BEGINS <= maybe something like "when warriors weep"
I think the ending two lines are strong. Maybe "watch" instead of "see" the salute, however, as your point is that it's a passive, empty gesture, maybe you chose the best word after all.
Thanks for a great read, and I look forward to more of your work. Best regards,
Harambe (for President)
reply by the author on 06-Feb-2024
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There are things that simply demand to be written and this is one of them. I remember the day the suicide bombs went off in Afghanistan during Biden's botched withdrawal, and it was infuriating enough that I wrote a short poem about it and went looking for a place to post it -- and discovered Fanstory.
Back to your piece. You pull no punches here, with incredibly vivid imagery. Steel butterflies; a vomiting volcano. You are well on a way to a six out of five with this piece. I think there might be a couple things you could do to get it there.
The passive voice in some places doesn't quite fit with this hellish kinetic energy:
arousing pain/
arousing violent counteraction <= maybe use a different, much more specific line in place of "arousing pain". You are very talented and can surely upgrade this line, if you feel so inclined
Reaching up CAUSES anguish <= maybe something like "an arm reaches up in anguish"?
THAT GRIPS the soul <= maybe "gripping the soul"?
When weeping BEGINS <= maybe something like "when warriors weep"
I think the ending two lines are strong. Maybe "watch" instead of "see" the salute, however, as your point is that it's a passive, empty gesture, maybe you chose the best word after all.
Thanks for a great read, and I look forward to more of your work. Best regards,
Harambe (for President)
Comment Written 05-Feb-2024
reply by the author on 06-Feb-2024
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Thank you Harambe for your very incisive review. I?ll take the comments under advisement. I particularly like the alliteration aspect in "when warriors weep."
Comment from Douglas Goff
I would not allow my children to go into the military at this point to be wasted in half-@&$ efforts. Nor would I want them to be cops.
Things are spinning poorly while many of us dance a jig to Nero's fiddle.
Great descriptive line by the way:
like a vomiting volcano
D
reply by the author on 06-Feb-2024
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I would not allow my children to go into the military at this point to be wasted in half-@&$ efforts. Nor would I want them to be cops.
Things are spinning poorly while many of us dance a jig to Nero's fiddle.
Great descriptive line by the way:
like a vomiting volcano
D
Comment Written 05-Feb-2024
reply by the author on 06-Feb-2024
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Thank you Douglas. I agree with your thoughts completely. I appreciate the review and comments.
Comment from QC Poet
My grandson served in the Air Force and has been out for almost four years but depending on how ugly the current military situation gets is still eligible for recall. I Pray that the situation calms but that is highly doubtful. No matter who is in office. Thanks for Sharing your thoughts on the matter and Prayers for All Serving and their Families Thanks for Sharing your poem.
reply by the author on 05-Feb-2024
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My grandson served in the Air Force and has been out for almost four years but depending on how ugly the current military situation gets is still eligible for recall. I Pray that the situation calms but that is highly doubtful. No matter who is in office. Thanks for Sharing your thoughts on the matter and Prayers for All Serving and their Families Thanks for Sharing your poem.
Comment Written 05-Feb-2024
reply by the author on 05-Feb-2024
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Thank you QCPoet. Certainly, I'll pray for your son and all who are serving. I appreciate you taking the time to review and comment.
Comment from patcelaw
Those who have committed this particular atrocity, or indeed, and my opinion primordial slime. Your poem is very well written, and I enjoyed listening to it. Patricia.
reply by the author on 05-Feb-2024
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Those who have committed this particular atrocity, or indeed, and my opinion primordial slime. Your poem is very well written, and I enjoyed listening to it. Patricia.
Comment Written 05-Feb-2024
reply by the author on 05-Feb-2024
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Thank you Patricia. Always good to get your input.
