What We See
Viewing comments for Chapter 3 "What We See - Chapter 3A"A wrongly accused teacher reinvents his life
23 total reviews
Comment from Karen Cherry Threadgill
Already read it, I must have read a bunch at once a just reviewed some of them. You write as if you were really there. That is a rare talent. Except for my nostalgia pieces, which are kinda sorta true. I write out of thin air. :-)
reply by the author on 27-Aug-2024
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Already read it, I must have read a bunch at once a just reviewed some of them. You write as if you were really there. That is a rare talent. Except for my nostalgia pieces, which are kinda sorta true. I write out of thin air. :-)
Comment Written 27-Aug-2024
reply by the author on 27-Aug-2024
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Yeah, writing out of thin air is a challenge and takes a lot of thought. If I really identify with a character (which I often do with my leading characters) I often say to myself, "How would I think and react to this situation?" That is often a good guide to make it realistic.
Being a guy, it's tougher for me to write about women or girls, though, and that's where getting my wife and daughter's input for my stories is invaluable. They are in a better position to give me the female perspective. Men and women just think differently about things and have different emphases.
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:-)
Comment from Neonewman
It's sad but true that so many kids and adults fabricate scenes that never happened for their own benefit. This is a great chapter, Jim.
We're starting to see the results of the accusations against David. He is struggling for the truth to surface but has no out. You don't know how many times innocent people surfer over wrong accusations.
God bless,
Steve
reply by the author on 16-Jul-2024
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It's sad but true that so many kids and adults fabricate scenes that never happened for their own benefit. This is a great chapter, Jim.
We're starting to see the results of the accusations against David. He is struggling for the truth to surface but has no out. You don't know how many times innocent people surfer over wrong accusations.
God bless,
Steve
Comment Written 16-Jul-2024
reply by the author on 16-Jul-2024
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Thanks, Steve. In case you are wondering, we will eventually find out the truth of what really happened, but not until David has suffered the consequences of her lies.
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I am and plan on reading a little at a time. I can read in small bursts before everything blends together. There's a ribbon at the bottom of your story, which I know what it's for. However, when it comes into view, it constantly moves around on the page in my mind. Letters also do this sometimes.
Steve
Comment from tfawcus
Another good chapter, Jim. The internal dialogue continues to engage, and the conversation with his ex adds a new element of tension. Great stuff.
I thought you dwelt overlong on the house and its location. It took me right out of the main narrative.
Also, in the final paragraph, the quotation marks need addressing. The whole paragraph is internal dialogue, so why not just remain in the first person? Alternatively, you could drop the inner quotes and maybe use an ellipsis "What are you going to do about it? ... Stand up for yourself!"
reply by the author on 02-Feb-2024
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Another good chapter, Jim. The internal dialogue continues to engage, and the conversation with his ex adds a new element of tension. Great stuff.
I thought you dwelt overlong on the house and its location. It took me right out of the main narrative.
Also, in the final paragraph, the quotation marks need addressing. The whole paragraph is internal dialogue, so why not just remain in the first person? Alternatively, you could drop the inner quotes and maybe use an ellipsis "What are you going to do about it? ... Stand up for yourself!"
Comment Written 01-Feb-2024
reply by the author on 02-Feb-2024
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Thanks so much, Tony. I appreciate your remark about the level of description for his street. I seldom do much description, and the only reason for doing it here is to contrast with where he will be ending up, which will also have a paragraph of description. Perhaps I should shorten it, though. At least I haven't reached the pits of Dean Kootnz's writing, where he probably would have spent two pages on this description! Anyway, I'll think about shortening it.
In the final paragraph, the quoted parts are not really his internal thoughts but a parroting of his ex's remarks from their conversation (that he's thinking back to). Is there a better way to make that clearer?
I do like the suggestion about the ellipsis.
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I'd missed the fact that these two were quotations from the previous conversation. A bit dull of me! You could perhaps reword things slightly for dunderheads like me! eg. Those snide remarks, ?What are you going to do about it?? and ?Stand up for yourself!? - so typical of (us at the end) (her)
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I'd missed the fact that these two were quotations from the previous conversation. A bit dull of me! You could perhaps reword things slightly for dunderheads like me! eg. Those snide remarks, ?What are you going to do about it?? and ?Stand up for yourself!? - so typical of (us at the end) (her)
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Yes. I like that.
Comment from eliz100
This is another excellent chapter. Once something is said, it cannot be unsaid.I am routing for David. I do not see any room for improvement.Have a blessed day.
reply by the author on 19-Jan-2024
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This is another excellent chapter. Once something is said, it cannot be unsaid.I am routing for David. I do not see any room for improvement.Have a blessed day.
Comment Written 19-Jan-2024
reply by the author on 19-Jan-2024
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Thanks very much. You are correct about the persistence of the accusation, making it very difficult to fight. We'll soon see what David's approach to this will be. Thanks for reading.
Comment from LJbutterfly
It's hard for a young male teacher to prove he has taken no interest in a hot teenage girl. Coming from an all-girl high school I've seen the best approach is for the young male teacher to remove himself. Plus, many young girls deliberately seek sexual attention and recognition from boy classmates and male teachers. That's why the provocative dressing. As David matures and develops a plan, I know he will rise above all the petty gossip.
reply by the author on 19-Jan-2024
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It's hard for a young male teacher to prove he has taken no interest in a hot teenage girl. Coming from an all-girl high school I've seen the best approach is for the young male teacher to remove himself. Plus, many young girls deliberately seek sexual attention and recognition from boy classmates and male teachers. That's why the provocative dressing. As David matures and develops a plan, I know he will rise above all the petty gossip.
Comment Written 18-Jan-2024
reply by the author on 19-Jan-2024
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I appreciate your thoughtful analysis, Lorraine. It's tough on young, male teachers, especially good-looking ones. If you were overweight and plain-looking, it may not be a problem.
Comment from lyenochka
Well, on the other hand, Diane seems to care enough to call and may be relieved to confirm that he's not a pervert. Still, I understand that it's difficult for him to keep rehashing the awful event and be interrogated.
Some sentences were repeated in close proximity. You may have already fixed:
The house was bequeathed to me, which influenced my decision to apply to Grove Park High as a science teacher. (This appears in the next paragraph also.)
There was one other repeated sentence but I can't find it now...
reply by the author on 17-Jan-2024
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Well, on the other hand, Diane seems to care enough to call and may be relieved to confirm that he's not a pervert. Still, I understand that it's difficult for him to keep rehashing the awful event and be interrogated.
Some sentences were repeated in close proximity. You may have already fixed:
The house was bequeathed to me, which influenced my decision to apply to Grove Park High as a science teacher. (This appears in the next paragraph also.)
There was one other repeated sentence but I can't find it now...
Comment Written 16-Jan-2024
reply by the author on 17-Jan-2024
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Yikes! Not sure how that happened because it isn't that way in my manuscript. Thanks so much for pointing it out, Helen. I've fixed it.
Comment from Carol Hillebrenner
Poor David is in the tight spot no one wants to get into. As you have written, it is very hard to prove a positive, to prove that you didn't do something. David's misspeaking problem is not going to help him. He needs to keep teaching until someone says he can't. This is an almost impossible problem that I sure hope you have a good idea how to fix.
reply by the author on 16-Jan-2024
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Poor David is in the tight spot no one wants to get into. As you have written, it is very hard to prove a positive, to prove that you didn't do something. David's misspeaking problem is not going to help him. He needs to keep teaching until someone says he can't. This is an almost impossible problem that I sure hope you have a good idea how to fix.
Comment Written 16-Jan-2024
reply by the author on 16-Jan-2024
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I do, but it will be in a completely different direction, and it won't be fixing this particular problem. Nuff said.
Comment from lancellot
Hmm, I think you need real stakes. I see a lot of worry, and crazy number of rumors, but so far, no real danger, no evidence, and a teacher doesn't work for a principal, they work for the school board. They have rights and contracts, even in the 80s. So far, this is simply school gossip.
notes:
This could ruin me if it doesn't go my way.
- But Tina didn't go to the cops or media. Why would this ruin him?
You know they're sleeping together, don't you?"
-Wait, if there's a rumor about the principal sleeping with his subordinate, why isn't that a problem?
reply by the author on 15-Jan-2024
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Hmm, I think you need real stakes. I see a lot of worry, and crazy number of rumors, but so far, no real danger, no evidence, and a teacher doesn't work for a principal, they work for the school board. They have rights and contracts, even in the 80s. So far, this is simply school gossip.
notes:
This could ruin me if it doesn't go my way.
- But Tina didn't go to the cops or media. Why would this ruin him?
You know they're sleeping together, don't you?"
-Wait, if there's a rumor about the principal sleeping with his subordinate, why isn't that a problem?
Comment Written 15-Jan-2024
reply by the author on 15-Jan-2024
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All good points you make, but I still think whether or not you get help with whatever source, the stigma remains unless the truth comes out, and even then, doubt remains in some people's minds. I've heard from several other readers who know someone this happened to.
David is not a very assertive person, at least at the beginning (gotta leave some room for the character to grow), and like I've said, this is not the main theme of the story. I have gone back to the manuscript and made some changes concerning union involvement at your prompting.
But as far as the doubt in people's minds, the reason I put in the conversation with his ex-girlfriend, Diane, was partially to show that even someone who knows him well still has a little bit of doubt about him. And unless the truth comes out, parents will request that their daughters be reassigned to another teacher. He just doesn't want this stigma associated to him and doesn't quite have the courage to fight a little harder for it.
As far as the girl's mom sleeping with the principal, I don't think that changes people's minds about his innocence or guilt, but it helps explain why the principal never goes to bat for him, even though he likes him. He knows where his priorities are.
I'll let you know in advance, the truth will eventually come out, but by then, he will be into something else that will have even more meaning for him than teaching immature, gossipy, conniving high schoolers.
I really appreciate these critical reviews, Lance. They are very influential in my thinking and writing.
Comment from Lea Tonin1
Lies, corruption and backstabbing truly I wish everyone would just tell the truth save themselves and others years of heartache. What a serious and eye-catching way to grab the reader cuz this is actually a very relevant thing going on today men being accused of the sexual assault that end up innocent their lives are ruined anyway because of the stigma of such accusation. Great job on this truly! I see no issues with grammar aesthetic subject matter sentence structure it's a really great story I hope to continue to read hope you have the best day thanks again!
reply by the author on 15-Jan-2024
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Lies, corruption and backstabbing truly I wish everyone would just tell the truth save themselves and others years of heartache. What a serious and eye-catching way to grab the reader cuz this is actually a very relevant thing going on today men being accused of the sexual assault that end up innocent their lives are ruined anyway because of the stigma of such accusation. Great job on this truly! I see no issues with grammar aesthetic subject matter sentence structure it's a really great story I hope to continue to read hope you have the best day thanks again!
Comment Written 15-Jan-2024
reply by the author on 15-Jan-2024
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Thanks so much, Lea. It is a very difficult hurdle to overcome, if it's even possible. You'll see that David finds a different sort of solution to the problem if you keep reading.
Comment from Debbie D'Arcy
You really master the dialogue here, Jim, and I could feel the build-up of tension - justifiably - on David's part, albeit Diane obviously has her reasons not to swallow, totally, his line of innocence. The situation seems pretty dire and this in itself is skilfully done because the reader is now analysing how he might be able to extricate himself (perhaps turning detective?). A couple of minor suggestions: In your 2nd para in which you give a vivid description of the neighbourhood, I think it might have been better (as you've already mentioned 'craftsman-style houses') to continue with: I live in (one of those craftsman-style houses) otherwise it sounds a bit repetitive (if that makes sense). Also, I didn't see the point of making an issue out of 'premises...pretenses' (It came over more as indecision on your part rather than David's). But I'm really enjoying your story here which, as ever, reads fluently and credibly. Well done! Debbie
reply by the author on 15-Jan-2024
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You really master the dialogue here, Jim, and I could feel the build-up of tension - justifiably - on David's part, albeit Diane obviously has her reasons not to swallow, totally, his line of innocence. The situation seems pretty dire and this in itself is skilfully done because the reader is now analysing how he might be able to extricate himself (perhaps turning detective?). A couple of minor suggestions: In your 2nd para in which you give a vivid description of the neighbourhood, I think it might have been better (as you've already mentioned 'craftsman-style houses') to continue with: I live in (one of those craftsman-style houses) otherwise it sounds a bit repetitive (if that makes sense). Also, I didn't see the point of making an issue out of 'premises...pretenses' (It came over more as indecision on your part rather than David's). But I'm really enjoying your story here which, as ever, reads fluently and credibly. Well done! Debbie
Comment Written 15-Jan-2024
reply by the author on 15-Jan-2024
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Thanks for your great review and your thoughtful suggestions. I have since slimmed down that description of the old neighborhood. On the premises--pretenses one, it was more a matter of his mis-speaking rather than indecision--a symptom of his dyslexia--that was the intended reason for this. So glad you're enjoying the story.