Week One 2023 - 2024
Viewing comments for Chapter 2 "A letter of Pain"... Freeverse ...
7 total reviews
Comment from jim vecchio
My inferior and infinitesimal brain did not expect that ending! Great job! First, it put me in mind of my college girlfriend, then reminded me to replenish my pantry. Keep up that great writing!
reply by the author on 21-Dec-2023
  |
My inferior and infinitesimal brain did not expect that ending! Great job! First, it put me in mind of my college girlfriend, then reminded me to replenish my pantry. Keep up that great writing!
Comment Written 20-Dec-2023
reply by the author on 21-Dec-2023
-
Thank you ... anytime !
-
Have A Merry Christmas!
-
So long as it's not baked beans ... !
-
Keep writing! Don't be a "has-bean"
-
Keep writing! Don't be a "has-bean"
Comment from Mia Twysted
That is great. I loved the end and twist. To be talking about beans the entire time was a treat for the reader to have such a funny surprise.
reply by the author on 19-Dec-2023
|
That is great. I loved the end and twist. To be talking about beans the entire time was a treat for the reader to have such a funny surprise.
Comment Written 18-Dec-2023
reply by the author on 19-Dec-2023
-
Thank you ... glad you enjoyed !
Comment from Yusita
Love how you totally fooled me till the final lines. haha! I thought this was a poem of break-up, spurned love etc (which I'm sure you're well aware of lol) and then I was sent flying to a totally different planet. This was brilliant. Loved the humorous and unexpected ending and how you were able to make an experience with beans in a pressure cooker (hope I got that right) sound so similar to the experience of suffering for love. Well-written poem, too! Loved the structure. Great work!
reply by the author on 18-Dec-2023
|
Love how you totally fooled me till the final lines. haha! I thought this was a poem of break-up, spurned love etc (which I'm sure you're well aware of lol) and then I was sent flying to a totally different planet. This was brilliant. Loved the humorous and unexpected ending and how you were able to make an experience with beans in a pressure cooker (hope I got that right) sound so similar to the experience of suffering for love. Well-written poem, too! Loved the structure. Great work!
Comment Written 18-Dec-2023
reply by the author on 18-Dec-2023
-
Excellent ... much appreciate the feed back ... glad it worked like it was supposed to ! It was actually my can opener for a tin of baked beans lol.
-
Oh, can opener! I totally didn't think of that. ha! Either way, brilliantly done...
-
Just glad you enjoyed ... !
Comment from JSD
Your artwork is distracting from the theme of the poem - but I guess that was the point, deliberately misleading so that we can all laugh at the final lines. Well done!
reply by the author on 18-Dec-2023
|
Your artwork is distracting from the theme of the poem - but I guess that was the point, deliberately misleading so that we can all laugh at the final lines. Well done!
Comment Written 18-Dec-2023
reply by the author on 18-Dec-2023
-
... well generally freeverse is a psychological mind game as the principals of its true recognition read of the sub conscious mind level therefore if it is good and it is what you want you have liberty to play with it and mix it up which also helps to the atmosphere of the read and also a creative design to help people think outside the conscious level of their mind ... that's the way I see it ... and that's the way I like to play it !
Comment from Wendyanne
Lol how funny. I'm a Brit and I love my Heinz baked beans!! You certainly made us think you were talking about something else in your well written piece of poetry!! I love it lol. Made me chuckle!
reply by the author on 18-Dec-2023
|
Lol how funny. I'm a Brit and I love my Heinz baked beans!! You certainly made us think you were talking about something else in your well written piece of poetry!! I love it lol. Made me chuckle!
Comment Written 18-Dec-2023
reply by the author on 18-Dec-2023
-
Excellent ... much appreciated !
Comment from Navada
Can I assume that these were coffee beans and you were hanging out for a coffee fix? If so, there are so many people everywhere who can definitely relate! I've just come back from lunch with a friend where I enjoyed an iced latte with my meal. Delicious! :) I like your clever bit of misdirection followed by the twist at the end - nicely done!
reply by the author on 18-Dec-2023
|
Can I assume that these were coffee beans and you were hanging out for a coffee fix? If so, there are so many people everywhere who can definitely relate! I've just come back from lunch with a friend where I enjoyed an iced latte with my meal. Delicious! :) I like your clever bit of misdirection followed by the twist at the end - nicely done!
Comment Written 18-Dec-2023
reply by the author on 18-Dec-2023
-
In Great Britain we are accustomed to eating baked beans from a tin usually with a nice fry up including sausage bacon egg mushrooms toast and beans ... the nightmare begins when you cannot remove the lid of the tin hard as you try ... many thanks ... much appreciated !
-
Aha - baked beans - got it! :)
-
Excellent ... glad to help !
Comment from Janis M.
I think this would have ended better without the humor. But that is just me. Aside from that, I think your previous verses including the repetitions built in, slowly built up tension for the reader in a good way. There was definitely a feeling of progression towards something...and then Ah...beans. I think if the previous lines weren't quite as serious...maybe just a tad bit lighter, then it would have been more humorous at the end.
reply by the author on 18-Dec-2023
 |
I think this would have ended better without the humor. But that is just me. Aside from that, I think your previous verses including the repetitions built in, slowly built up tension for the reader in a good way. There was definitely a feeling of progression towards something...and then Ah...beans. I think if the previous lines weren't quite as serious...maybe just a tad bit lighter, then it would have been more humorous at the end.
Comment Written 18-Dec-2023
reply by the author on 18-Dec-2023
-
well your correct when I read it you do get a nice sense of tension building with the repetition asit is a tongue and cheek poke of fun the humour at the end had to be added as it served the purpose for the misdirection of the metallic handle which was believe it or not my can opener so without it I personally would feel the poem would have lost its true direction.
-
Hey and there is nothing wrong with that. Some audiences it will hit home for and I think when it does, its a well deserved home run. For myself, I think that it was almost too much of a suspense building up for how cheeky it was at the end. I definitely get what you were going for and that makes sense.
At the end of the day, you don't have to make anyone happy but yourself and it should go where you want it.
-
well your right I suppose my own flaw in writing my own free verse is I normally like to give the game away normally through the last phrase by exclamation or question that way for some it will leave a thought or something to ponder its like a hook line but particular to free verse ... in some quarters anyhow ... much appreciate the feed back ... you might like the next posting when it goes up you'll notice a style change but it will be familiar its the way I learnt and I like writing free verse like that the other way would to do as you suggest and keep the real meaning hidden only known to me and my secret elves to laugh at ... lol.
-
I'll give it a read!
-
thank you ... much appreciated !
