Cloudless
Nature haiku7 total reviews
Comment from Gypsy Blue Rose
an endless blue sky ... in the first line would sound better.
Excellent entry for the 5-7-5 Nature writing prompt contest.
Good syllables count and connection between lines. Exceptional word imagery and presentation.
Good luck!
  |
an endless blue sky ... in the first line would sound better.
Excellent entry for the 5-7-5 Nature writing prompt contest.
Good syllables count and connection between lines. Exceptional word imagery and presentation.
Good luck!
Comment Written 03-Dec-2023
Comment from Rosemary Everson1
The sky is midnight blue, the meadows are green, and beyond there's ocean flowing and leaving white caps on the waves. This poem has a lot of movement description.
|
The sky is midnight blue, the meadows are green, and beyond there's ocean flowing and leaving white caps on the waves. This poem has a lot of movement description.
Comment Written 03-Dec-2023
Comment from Paul Manton
Dear friend, I like this haiku very much, but you can tweak it a bit to make the form exactly right. (The words are all great) I only say this because it is a contest and the rules for haiku are strict.
Make sure there are no capital letters anywhere (except for words which always have them), and use only three lines, with the dash at the end of line two.
A really nice idea to have an 'upside down' picture/description of an ocean in the sky. That makes the satori really strong. I wish you every success in the competition.
Paul
|
Dear friend, I like this haiku very much, but you can tweak it a bit to make the form exactly right. (The words are all great) I only say this because it is a contest and the rules for haiku are strict.
Make sure there are no capital letters anywhere (except for words which always have them), and use only three lines, with the dash at the end of line two.
A really nice idea to have an 'upside down' picture/description of an ocean in the sky. That makes the satori really strong. I wish you every success in the competition.
Paul
Comment Written 02-Dec-2023
Comment from Navada
I like your comparison between ocean and sky and the comparison between white caps and clouds. It reminds us of the twin firmaments described in Genesis. Lovely response to the prompt - good luck for the contest.
|
I like your comparison between ocean and sky and the comparison between white caps and clouds. It reminds us of the twin firmaments described in Genesis. Lovely response to the prompt - good luck for the contest.
Comment Written 01-Dec-2023
Comment from Michael Groover
The second line, "Nature's ocean up above," is particularly striking in its metaphorical richness. Comparing the sky to an ocean not only reinforces the sense of vastness but also adds a layer of depth and fluidity to the imagery. This line beautifully bridges the tangible reality of the sky with the abstract concept of nature's grandeur.
The final line, "White caps then intrude," introduces a sudden shift in the scene. The term "white caps," often used to describe the frothy peaks of waves, here likely refers to clouds rolling into the once clear sky. This intrusion of clouds brings a sense of movement and change, contrasting with the initial stillness and endlessness of the blue sky.
Overall, this haiku is a beautifully crafted piece that captures the ever-changing nature of the sky in a simple yet profound way. Its strength lies in its ability to convey a deep appreciation for the natural world through a minimalist and elegant approach. The poem invites readers to pause and reflect on the beauty and impermanence of the world around us.
|
The second line, "Nature's ocean up above," is particularly striking in its metaphorical richness. Comparing the sky to an ocean not only reinforces the sense of vastness but also adds a layer of depth and fluidity to the imagery. This line beautifully bridges the tangible reality of the sky with the abstract concept of nature's grandeur.
The final line, "White caps then intrude," introduces a sudden shift in the scene. The term "white caps," often used to describe the frothy peaks of waves, here likely refers to clouds rolling into the once clear sky. This intrusion of clouds brings a sense of movement and change, contrasting with the initial stillness and endlessness of the blue sky.
Overall, this haiku is a beautifully crafted piece that captures the ever-changing nature of the sky in a simple yet profound way. Its strength lies in its ability to convey a deep appreciation for the natural world through a minimalist and elegant approach. The poem invites readers to pause and reflect on the beauty and impermanence of the world around us.
Comment Written 01-Dec-2023
Comment from kiwigirl2821
This is a clever piece. I never thought of the sky as being ocean like but it is isn't it? Great visual effect both in reality and in my mind. Love it. Good luck.
Kiwi
|
This is a clever piece. I never thought of the sky as being ocean like but it is isn't it? Great visual effect both in reality and in my mind. Love it. Good luck.
Kiwi
Comment Written 01-Dec-2023
Comment from Michele Harber
I enjoyed your comparison of ocean and sky, but I wonder if you might have carried it further by saying "white caps then intrude." The photo would certainly have gotten the point across that the white caps where the white clouds. The poem is very nice as is, but I think changing that one word might strengthen your ocean/sky comparison. Good luck in the contest.
reply by the author on 01-Dec-2023
|
I enjoyed your comparison of ocean and sky, but I wonder if you might have carried it further by saying "white caps then intrude." The photo would certainly have gotten the point across that the white caps where the white clouds. The poem is very nice as is, but I think changing that one word might strengthen your ocean/sky comparison. Good luck in the contest.
Comment Written 01-Dec-2023
reply by the author on 01-Dec-2023
-
Thank you for your review and suggestion. Now changed.
-
You're very welcome, and I'm so glad it worked for you!
