Sandra's Lover
Viewing comments for Chapter 2 "Sandras Lover 2"A macabre crime thriller. Grotesque and detailed.
4 total reviews
Comment from Debbie D'Arcy
Hi Eileen, I couldn't find your chapter for some reason but am glad I now have it. This is a great contrast after all the blood and gore of the first chapter but, of course, your reader is now very conscious that the serial killer has selected his victim, Aliss. I think it's very clever the way you've started this book with the crime preceding the meeting, infusing this sense of horror and anticipation into the subsequent background events. I also like that you give such detailed information about the characters so that this style of fastidious description continues. Your story has hooked me in and I look forward to reading more. Thank you Eileen, Debbie
reply by the author on 28-Nov-2023
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Hi Eileen, I couldn't find your chapter for some reason but am glad I now have it. This is a great contrast after all the blood and gore of the first chapter but, of course, your reader is now very conscious that the serial killer has selected his victim, Aliss. I think it's very clever the way you've started this book with the crime preceding the meeting, infusing this sense of horror and anticipation into the subsequent background events. I also like that you give such detailed information about the characters so that this style of fastidious description continues. Your story has hooked me in and I look forward to reading more. Thank you Eileen, Debbie
Comment Written 28-Nov-2023
reply by the author on 28-Nov-2023
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Thank you Debbie - I will be adding another chapter. In the beginning it jumps back and forth but it will all make sense as it goes on. My biggest worry is creating characters. Are they seen differently? do I put enough description in to make them believable.
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I think you're doing really well and described the two girls perfectly. I just think it's a clever tactic to throw the reader in at the deep end with that entry chapter because you've already built up suspense and trepidation.
Comment from eliz100
It does not matter what you pay. This is a great chapter. You have nailed it in describing a pickup in a bar. There is one minor edit in the first paragraph. "it hang(s) down below the waist. Have a blessed day.
reply by the author on 28-Nov-2023
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It does not matter what you pay. This is a great chapter. You have nailed it in describing a pickup in a bar. There is one minor edit in the first paragraph. "it hang(s) down below the waist. Have a blessed day.
Comment Written 28-Nov-2023
reply by the author on 28-Nov-2023
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thank you so much! I appreciate your feedback!
Comment from Lea Tonin1
Wow on the creep factor! Very imaginative piece of work!
It sounds like a winner for those horror and thriller lovers. Great entry and fine write! Welcome to fan's story and I wish you best of luck and keep on writing!
reply by the author on 28-Nov-2023
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Wow on the creep factor! Very imaginative piece of work!
It sounds like a winner for those horror and thriller lovers. Great entry and fine write! Welcome to fan's story and I wish you best of luck and keep on writing!
Comment Written 28-Nov-2023
reply by the author on 28-Nov-2023
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Thank you very much!
Comment from lancellot
Hmm, good introduction of the two ladies and the guys to smaller degree. There are some questions. Like where they are? The ages. But you can get to that. No need for the warnings. You should drop them. They will only hurt.
Now, a lot of editing is needed here with focus on speech tags, paragraph structure and spacings. I listed a few things to look for. Also, it is better to spell out the numbers.
notes:
Janice, the bolder of the two says, "Yup, the tanned one is so hot".
-hot."
"I prefer the other one, he is so handsome and way out of my league. Why bother."
-"I prefer the other one. He is so handsome and way out of my league. Why bother?"
"You shouldn't't be so down on yourself, you're pretty. You just lack confidence and all guys like confidence. I'll show you, let's go!"
-"You shouldn't be so down on yourself, you're pretty. You just lack confidence and all guys like confidence. I'll show you. Let's go!"
She is awkward and sometimes clumsy. How she got a friend like Janice always puzzled her.
-Too much telling.
"Aliss, he looked at you! He was checking you out!" Exclaimed Janice excitedly.
-"Aliss, he looked at you! He was checking you out!" squealed Janice. (you don't need exclaimed. You used an exclamation point mark. No need for excitedly. The mark and context says that.)
I don't know what to do!" Aliss, very nervous, washes her hands.
- We know she's nervous by her speech pattern. No need to tell us.
he then buries her face in her hands.
-How old are these two?
"Hello ladies, may we join you?" A sweet Hispanic accent melodically inquires.
-"Hello ladies, may we join you?" a sweet Hispanic accent melodically inquires.
"I am pleased to meet you, mi querida, I am Manuel." He says, his hand on his heart
-"I am pleased to meet you, mi querida, I am Manuel," he says, his hand on his heart
Mike gently takes Aliss's hand in his and says, "don't worry, I won't bite."
-Mike gently takes Aliss's hand in his and says, "Don't worry, I won't bite."
This comment made Mike burst out in laughter beside her. Somehow this calmed her down enough to look at his face and into his eyes. Smiling at him she mumbles, "Sorry, I don't know what I said or why".
-This comment made Mike burst out in laughter beside her.
Somehow this calmed her down enough to look at his face and into his eyes. Smiling at him she mumbles, "Sorry, I don't know what I said or why."
Janice takes Aliss aside, "hey hun, the guys asked us back to their place to have another drink. Are you coming?"
- Janice takes Aliss aside, "Hey Hun, the guys asked us back to their place to have another drink. Are you coming?"
"Come on, take a chance, you might have some fun." Janice pleads.
-"Come on, take a chance, you might have some fun," Janice pleads.
He says to the driver, "make sure she gets home safely" he pays the driver and walks back to his car and leaves.
-He says to the driver, "Make sure she gets home safely." He pays the driver and walks back to his car and leaves.
reply by the author on 28-Nov-2023
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Hmm, good introduction of the two ladies and the guys to smaller degree. There are some questions. Like where they are? The ages. But you can get to that. No need for the warnings. You should drop them. They will only hurt.
Now, a lot of editing is needed here with focus on speech tags, paragraph structure and spacings. I listed a few things to look for. Also, it is better to spell out the numbers.
notes:
Janice, the bolder of the two says, "Yup, the tanned one is so hot".
-hot."
"I prefer the other one, he is so handsome and way out of my league. Why bother."
-"I prefer the other one. He is so handsome and way out of my league. Why bother?"
"You shouldn't't be so down on yourself, you're pretty. You just lack confidence and all guys like confidence. I'll show you, let's go!"
-"You shouldn't be so down on yourself, you're pretty. You just lack confidence and all guys like confidence. I'll show you. Let's go!"
She is awkward and sometimes clumsy. How she got a friend like Janice always puzzled her.
-Too much telling.
"Aliss, he looked at you! He was checking you out!" Exclaimed Janice excitedly.
-"Aliss, he looked at you! He was checking you out!" squealed Janice. (you don't need exclaimed. You used an exclamation point mark. No need for excitedly. The mark and context says that.)
I don't know what to do!" Aliss, very nervous, washes her hands.
- We know she's nervous by her speech pattern. No need to tell us.
he then buries her face in her hands.
-How old are these two?
"Hello ladies, may we join you?" A sweet Hispanic accent melodically inquires.
-"Hello ladies, may we join you?" a sweet Hispanic accent melodically inquires.
"I am pleased to meet you, mi querida, I am Manuel." He says, his hand on his heart
-"I am pleased to meet you, mi querida, I am Manuel," he says, his hand on his heart
Mike gently takes Aliss's hand in his and says, "don't worry, I won't bite."
-Mike gently takes Aliss's hand in his and says, "Don't worry, I won't bite."
This comment made Mike burst out in laughter beside her. Somehow this calmed her down enough to look at his face and into his eyes. Smiling at him she mumbles, "Sorry, I don't know what I said or why".
-This comment made Mike burst out in laughter beside her.
Somehow this calmed her down enough to look at his face and into his eyes. Smiling at him she mumbles, "Sorry, I don't know what I said or why."
Janice takes Aliss aside, "hey hun, the guys asked us back to their place to have another drink. Are you coming?"
- Janice takes Aliss aside, "Hey Hun, the guys asked us back to their place to have another drink. Are you coming?"
"Come on, take a chance, you might have some fun." Janice pleads.
-"Come on, take a chance, you might have some fun," Janice pleads.
He says to the driver, "make sure she gets home safely" he pays the driver and walks back to his car and leaves.
-He says to the driver, "Make sure she gets home safely." He pays the driver and walks back to his car and leaves.
Comment Written 27-Nov-2023
reply by the author on 28-Nov-2023
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Thank you so much for the help!!! It's greatly appreciated!!