Comment from Janis M.

Excellent

The dialogue and interaction between the husband and wife was well written and fairly accurate for a couple that has been with each other for some time. The description too of a teenager hating to be asked about their day was spot on.

The small tidbits of memories coming in and out of the chapters is a tease for the reader and builds suspense.

 Comment Written 27-Nov-2023

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reply by the author on 27-Nov-2023

Thank you Janis.

Comment from karenina

Excellent

Good grief! I'm throwing my hands up!

So...

Paul is not Rebecca's father, if Rebecca is working and Angela has known Paul for ten years...

I almost want to hold on to my thought that William is her father...

Oh! But it seems so traumatic!

And what was "sorted out" I ponder...

I've one more chapter and then (egads) I'll be caught up and waiting impatiently for notice of your next posted chapter!

This sentence seems awkward:


"the way how his mouth twitched when he set eyes on me"

Perhaps omit how?

Karenina

 Comment Written 08-Nov-2023

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reply by the author on 08-Nov-2023

Thank you, I'm pleased that you're enjoying it.

reply by karenina on 09-Nov-2023

You enjoy hooking us with your plot!

(smile)

Comment from eliz100

Excellent

This is an excellent chapter. You have moved the story along nicely. Angela's mind is going ninety miles an hour about William, but she is not ready to share her secret. I want to keep reading to find out the secret. I do not see any room for improvement. Have a blessed day.

 Comment Written 04-Nov-2023

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reply by the author on 04-Nov-2023

Thank you.

Comment from Iza Deleanu

Excellent

The shadow of the past gleaming into the feature, what menace or dead skeleton will bring up to torch the day? Thank you for sharing and good luck with the contest.

 Comment Written 01-Nov-2023

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reply by the author on 01-Nov-2023

Thank you. I?m pleased that you enjoyed it.

Comment from Dolly'sPoems

Excellent

I wonder what was so dreadful on that night, and you are building up the anticipation for the big reveal here. Another fine chapter. I do have one suggestion for you Jacob. Most of the writers on Fanstory add a list of all the characters with a description of who they are at the end of the post. This stops any confusion as to who everyone is in your story and it does mean that those who have not read previous posts can dip in and read a snippet of your story and know what is going on. This is just a suggestion that is worth considering, love Dolly x

 Comment Written 01-Nov-2023

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reply by the author on 01-Nov-2023

Thank you Dolly, I'll look at adding the characters at the end of the post.

Comment from BethShelby

Excellent

Now, we know when whatever happened between and William and Angela happened that apparently they were together in a bar. We know she only known Paul a little over ten years. I assume Rebecca is her daughter. She has a job where she serves coffee and she watchint a show on black hole which makes me think, she too old to be Paul but Angela remarks she is like Paul. Maybe she is Pauls daughter but not hers. I hope to find out.

 Comment Written 01-Nov-2023

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reply by the author on 01-Nov-2023

Thank you Beth, I'm pleased that you're enjoying it.

Comment from barbara.wilkey

Excellent

I can't wait to find out what type of hold William has over her. You're doing a wonderful job building suspence here.


past Hanningfield reservoir to try and calm myself down, (you don't need 'down', it's an extra word and is understood.)

 Comment Written 01-Nov-2023

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reply by the author on 01-Nov-2023

Thank you Barbara, I'm pleased that you're enjoying it.