She
maybe some day39 total reviews
Comment from tfawcus
I enjoyed this emotionally charged piece of writing. The breathless wonder and breathless panic both came across well, as did the mutual yearning. However, I'm always a bit discombobulated by stories written with first-person narration after the narrator has died.
A few minor points for your consideration.
There were a couple of places where close repetition took me out of the story:
I caught a movement from the corner of my eye from the viewing-port
My pulse raced, my breathing shallow, and then I heard her. She called to me on the wind. A high-pitched whine, growing louder by the second and then her feathered head was in front of me;
Also, I noticed the second use of 'errant'. Not wrong, but noticed in a story of little over 1000 words. Errant thought and errant tear.
I had to think about your use of 'inverted' here: 'I inverted the jets to perpendicular in preparation for take-off.' I've always taken it to mean either turned upside down or turned through 180 degrees. 'Tilted' might work better.
A couple of comma suggestions, to remove the first one and add the second one:
I busied myself with the readouts and gauges(,) as I altered the position of the jets
Her humanoid face surrounded by the glorious(,) orange-tinged feathers.
... and one spelling slip:
I rushed past the escarpement (escarpment) I'd spent so many hours on with her
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I enjoyed this emotionally charged piece of writing. The breathless wonder and breathless panic both came across well, as did the mutual yearning. However, I'm always a bit discombobulated by stories written with first-person narration after the narrator has died.
A few minor points for your consideration.
There were a couple of places where close repetition took me out of the story:
I caught a movement from the corner of my eye from the viewing-port
My pulse raced, my breathing shallow, and then I heard her. She called to me on the wind. A high-pitched whine, growing louder by the second and then her feathered head was in front of me;
Also, I noticed the second use of 'errant'. Not wrong, but noticed in a story of little over 1000 words. Errant thought and errant tear.
I had to think about your use of 'inverted' here: 'I inverted the jets to perpendicular in preparation for take-off.' I've always taken it to mean either turned upside down or turned through 180 degrees. 'Tilted' might work better.
A couple of comma suggestions, to remove the first one and add the second one:
I busied myself with the readouts and gauges(,) as I altered the position of the jets
Her humanoid face surrounded by the glorious(,) orange-tinged feathers.
... and one spelling slip:
I rushed past the escarpement (escarpment) I'd spent so many hours on with her
Comment Written 09-Dec-2023
Comment from w.j.debi
Excellent world-building and character development in this short piece. I was left wanting to know more about this world. Also, with an empathy for the desperation of both characters at their parting. They say, leave them wanting more. I do.
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Excellent world-building and character development in this short piece. I was left wanting to know more about this world. Also, with an empathy for the desperation of both characters at their parting. They say, leave them wanting more. I do.
Comment Written 28-Oct-2023
Comment from jim vecchio
This was a great piece of writing-It kept me going till the end, and you ended it in a perfect (though tragic) way. There is no way I can criticize your writing, which is top notch and I hope to read more in the future. i hope your characters do end up in a better place together.
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This was a great piece of writing-It kept me going till the end, and you ended it in a perfect (though tragic) way. There is no way I can criticize your writing, which is top notch and I hope to read more in the future. i hope your characters do end up in a better place together.
Comment Written 28-Oct-2023
Comment from Gloria ....
This is an excellent story of doomed lovers shown in the far reaches of outer space. Action scenes show the uneven dynamic between these two until the she bird puts an end to them both. I particularly enjoyed the final act with great description.
Just a couple of points:
"I had told her that this would happen some day." Some day might better be used as an adverb here, someday.
I sensed author intrusion here: "You know in stories when the main character has a tinge of melancholia the weather reflects that? It's bullshit in real life. Your mood has little effect on the weather." If that section were changed to first person, it would be fine although I can't imagine a person's mood having any effect on the weather. But, on this planet it might.
I rushed past the escarpement - spelling
Enjoyed this very much G.
Gloria
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This is an excellent story of doomed lovers shown in the far reaches of outer space. Action scenes show the uneven dynamic between these two until the she bird puts an end to them both. I particularly enjoyed the final act with great description.
Just a couple of points:
"I had told her that this would happen some day." Some day might better be used as an adverb here, someday.
I sensed author intrusion here: "You know in stories when the main character has a tinge of melancholia the weather reflects that? It's bullshit in real life. Your mood has little effect on the weather." If that section were changed to first person, it would be fine although I can't imagine a person's mood having any effect on the weather. But, on this planet it might.
I rushed past the escarpement - spelling
Enjoyed this very much G.
Gloria
Comment Written 28-Oct-2023
Comment from John Ciarmello
What a beautiful love story, G! It pulled me in from word one, and the fictional obscurities of the tale made it that much more endearing!
It is foreboding in many ways, but you get that stint of love and respect from both in a knowingly unlikely relationship.
Amazing write, G! Best, JohnC
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What a beautiful love story, G! It pulled me in from word one, and the fictional obscurities of the tale made it that much more endearing!
It is foreboding in many ways, but you get that stint of love and respect from both in a knowingly unlikely relationship.
Amazing write, G! Best, JohnC
Comment Written 28-Oct-2023
Comment from estory
Classic tragic love story of love that was not meant to be, retold in this sci fi setting on another planet, with an alien lover. This really is liebestod taken into outer space. I like the details in the ending especially, we see the determination in the bird girl to end both of the lives tangled together, by diving into the engine like a bird strike in a jet. And both of them plummet to their shared doom. estory
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Classic tragic love story of love that was not meant to be, retold in this sci fi setting on another planet, with an alien lover. This really is liebestod taken into outer space. I like the details in the ending especially, we see the determination in the bird girl to end both of the lives tangled together, by diving into the engine like a bird strike in a jet. And both of them plummet to their shared doom. estory
Comment Written 28-Oct-2023
Comment from JSD
Wow! An excellent story. Well done. The futuristic tone is less important than the relationship and the hurt and pain you convey. And the final moments are brilliantly described.
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Wow! An excellent story. Well done. The futuristic tone is less important than the relationship and the hurt and pain you convey. And the final moments are brilliantly described.
Comment Written 28-Oct-2023
Comment from Karen Cherry Threadgill
A very interesting story. It was tender, wishing, and yearning. I liked that he had the determination ro follow his directive, and when hurtling through the air, his last thoughts were of her. Karen
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A very interesting story. It was tender, wishing, and yearning. I liked that he had the determination ro follow his directive, and when hurtling through the air, his last thoughts were of her. Karen
Comment Written 28-Oct-2023
Comment from pome lover
Of course, a 6. What else?
You tell the best stories. Do you have them all in a book?
I knew this had to end badly, but still it was fascinating and beautifully told. Congrats on All Time Best.
Katharine
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Of course, a 6. What else?
You tell the best stories. Do you have them all in a book?
I knew this had to end badly, but still it was fascinating and beautifully told. Congrats on All Time Best.
Katharine
Comment Written 28-Oct-2023
Comment from Liz O'Neill
The twist of character and plot will capture the reader. Then the image of the setting is morphing. Well done. This is a poignant account and a tear jerker.
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The twist of character and plot will capture the reader. Then the image of the setting is morphing. Well done. This is a poignant account and a tear jerker.
Comment Written 27-Oct-2023
