Treasure Hunt
A treasure can be right beside you19 total reviews
Comment from Pamusart
Hi, Barry
So, you're an Aussie eh, matie?
This is an interesting story, and it reminds me of one that I heard when we went to Bowling Green, Kentucky
There was a cave there called the lost Cave. And there was an underground river in the cave.
But the guide told us that Jesse James used to hide out in that cave. He would wait there until the search for him died down and then he would come out. Of course he was a bank robber so there could've been some money in there. I'm sure there wasn't because somebody would've found it by now if there was.
This sounds like on one hand the father displayed his love for the first time for his son, and for the first time his son opened up to the father
If only fathers realized that if they just showed some love by saying something or taking a trip like this that there wouldn't be animosity until the end of life. So many fathers and sons and mothers and daughters get estranged over the most stupid things
Here I think it should be ply
" love of his life, Kerry? It had been hard to prise him away from her as "
reply by the author on 07-Aug-2024
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Hi, Barry
So, you're an Aussie eh, matie?
This is an interesting story, and it reminds me of one that I heard when we went to Bowling Green, Kentucky
There was a cave there called the lost Cave. And there was an underground river in the cave.
But the guide told us that Jesse James used to hide out in that cave. He would wait there until the search for him died down and then he would come out. Of course he was a bank robber so there could've been some money in there. I'm sure there wasn't because somebody would've found it by now if there was.
This sounds like on one hand the father displayed his love for the first time for his son, and for the first time his son opened up to the father
If only fathers realized that if they just showed some love by saying something or taking a trip like this that there wouldn't be animosity until the end of life. So many fathers and sons and mothers and daughters get estranged over the most stupid things
Here I think it should be ply
" love of his life, Kerry? It had been hard to prise him away from her as "
Comment Written 07-Aug-2024
reply by the author on 07-Aug-2024
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Thanks so much for your review. The Lost Cave does sound very exciting. I do agree about fathers and sons and mother and daughters. So many disputes or stand-offs are really so trivial.
Thanks for your suggestion re dialogue.
Have a wonderful day.
Cheers
Barry Penfold
Comment from Michael Ludwinder
I really enjoyed how you captured the relationship between Tom and Jason throughout their journey. The tension from their strained relationship gives way to moments of understanding. For me that makes the adventure feel both meaningful and real. The way you built up the suspense with the detour and cave discovery was gripping. Nicely done!
reply by the author on 07-Aug-2024
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I really enjoyed how you captured the relationship between Tom and Jason throughout their journey. The tension from their strained relationship gives way to moments of understanding. For me that makes the adventure feel both meaningful and real. The way you built up the suspense with the detour and cave discovery was gripping. Nicely done!
Comment Written 07-Aug-2024
reply by the author on 07-Aug-2024
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Michael,
Thanks so much for your review. So glad you enjoyed it. It was a fun write actually. Take care and have a wonderful day.
Cheers
Barry
Comment from lyenochka
That's a great story! And I have heard about the Bushrangers from Aussie's writings. I really liked how the situation led to Jason realizing that his father loved him.
The opening sentences caught my attention but I felt it needed one more sentence to connect the opening to Tom and Jason driving in the car.
The following sentences need a period inside the close quotes:
"Good"
"No fuss dad. Can still look for treasure"
"You let me determine that and besides you're worth more than any treasure"
reply by the author on 26-Oct-2023
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That's a great story! And I have heard about the Bushrangers from Aussie's writings. I really liked how the situation led to Jason realizing that his father loved him.
The opening sentences caught my attention but I felt it needed one more sentence to connect the opening to Tom and Jason driving in the car.
The following sentences need a period inside the close quotes:
"Good"
"No fuss dad. Can still look for treasure"
"You let me determine that and besides you're worth more than any treasure"
Comment Written 26-Oct-2023
reply by the author on 26-Oct-2023
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Thanks so much for your kind review. Also, thanks for your suggestion as to some amendments to the writing. All good. I hope you have a good day and take care.
Cheers
Barry Penfold.
Comment from Carol Hillebrenner
His son has made a wonderful discovery: his father loves him. That is one treasure. I hope there is more to the story and your readers find out if they also found more mundane treasure. When you have people doing things and conversation, the speaker and anything he also does before the other person speaks or does anything, should be in the same paragraph without any blank spaces before the next line.
e.g. "Don't move, I'm almost there." Another two strides and . . .
Also, you are missing a lot of sentence-ending punctuation.
Also, you use colons (or semicolons--can't tell which as print is so small) when a period or comma would do. You are a good writer but need to brush up on writing construction.
reply by the author on 25-Oct-2023
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His son has made a wonderful discovery: his father loves him. That is one treasure. I hope there is more to the story and your readers find out if they also found more mundane treasure. When you have people doing things and conversation, the speaker and anything he also does before the other person speaks or does anything, should be in the same paragraph without any blank spaces before the next line.
e.g. "Don't move, I'm almost there." Another two strides and . . .
Also, you are missing a lot of sentence-ending punctuation.
Also, you use colons (or semicolons--can't tell which as print is so small) when a period or comma would do. You are a good writer but need to brush up on writing construction.
Comment Written 24-Oct-2023
reply by the author on 25-Oct-2023
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Thanks Carol. You make some valid points. At times I do rush a bit. I would like to find some of that mundane treasure as you call it. Keep safe and have a wonderful day.
Regards
Barry Penfold.
Comment from damommy
It was a good trip and the son realized his father really loved him. It's so sad when such communication breaks down. I wonder how much treasure is hidden in those caves. It would be exciting to find some.
reply by the author on 24-Oct-2023
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It was a good trip and the son realized his father really loved him. It's so sad when such communication breaks down. I wonder how much treasure is hidden in those caves. It would be exciting to find some.
Comment Written 24-Oct-2023
reply by the author on 24-Oct-2023
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Thanks for the review. Yes, I think there would be quite a bit of treasure in some of the caves. Perhaps I should have a look again. Another adventure may be on the way.
Take care and have a wonderful day.
Cheers
Barry Penfold.
Comment from Iza Deleanu
Nice validation for a estranged son:""No fuss dad. Can still look for treasure"
"You let me determine that and besides you're worth more than any treasure"
Jason was quiet. He looked up at Tom. Never had he heard such words. There it was. His dad did love him.
"Dad, thanks for saying that to me. This trip was a good idea."
Tom smiled:
"Yes son, it certainly was a good idea. Even with the detours. Let's get you out of here." Thank you for sharing and good luck with your writings.
reply by the author on 23-Oct-2023
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Nice validation for a estranged son:""No fuss dad. Can still look for treasure"
"You let me determine that and besides you're worth more than any treasure"
Jason was quiet. He looked up at Tom. Never had he heard such words. There it was. His dad did love him.
"Dad, thanks for saying that to me. This trip was a good idea."
Tom smiled:
"Yes son, it certainly was a good idea. Even with the detours. Let's get you out of here." Thank you for sharing and good luck with your writings.
Comment Written 23-Oct-2023
reply by the author on 23-Oct-2023
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Iza,
thanks for your Review. Glad you enjoyed the read and especially the last piece of dialogue. Take care and have a wonderful day.
Regards
Barry Penfold.
Comment from Jesse James Doty
Learning that your father loves you more than any treasure is the greatest treasure of them all. I agree, and the trip was worthwhile even though you broke your ankle. This story of the bushrangers who stole from stagecoaches long ago in the 1800s is interesting to know and this was an enjoyable tale.
Jesse
reply by the author on 23-Oct-2023
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Learning that your father loves you more than any treasure is the greatest treasure of them all. I agree, and the trip was worthwhile even though you broke your ankle. This story of the bushrangers who stole from stagecoaches long ago in the 1800s is interesting to know and this was an enjoyable tale.
Jesse
Comment Written 23-Oct-2023
reply by the author on 23-Oct-2023
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Jesse,
Thanks for the review. Glad you enjoyed it. Take care and have a wonderful day.
Cheers
Barry Penfold.
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You're welcome, Barry.
Jesse
Comment from Jacob1395
I thought this was an interesting concept, about a father and son trying to find buried treasure, and for them to work on their own relationship while doing so, and I was fascinated to learn about the Bushrangers. I also thought your writing was clear and very readable. The only thing I think let it down, was that it was missing emotion between the characters. You explain that Tom and his son, Jason have not been getting on, but I couldn't feel Tom's emotions. Is he angry that he doesn't have a relationship with Jason? Does he blame Jason in anyway. One way to do this would be to explore his emotions through a little more interior monologue. I think delving into the character's emotions will really help lift the writing. The ending to me, did fall a little bit flat, when Jason discovers his Dad does love him. I think you really need to show us the panic in his Dad's actions and in his facial expressions, when he tries to help his son, especially as it seems to me that what your story is really about, is the damaged relationship between Tom and Jason, and how it seems to heal at the end. With a bit of work, I think this could be a really engaging story and working on the emotions will really help to capture the readers interest more.
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The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
reply by the author on 21-Oct-2023
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I thought this was an interesting concept, about a father and son trying to find buried treasure, and for them to work on their own relationship while doing so, and I was fascinated to learn about the Bushrangers. I also thought your writing was clear and very readable. The only thing I think let it down, was that it was missing emotion between the characters. You explain that Tom and his son, Jason have not been getting on, but I couldn't feel Tom's emotions. Is he angry that he doesn't have a relationship with Jason? Does he blame Jason in anyway. One way to do this would be to explore his emotions through a little more interior monologue. I think delving into the character's emotions will really help lift the writing. The ending to me, did fall a little bit flat, when Jason discovers his Dad does love him. I think you really need to show us the panic in his Dad's actions and in his facial expressions, when he tries to help his son, especially as it seems to me that what your story is really about, is the damaged relationship between Tom and Jason, and how it seems to heal at the end. With a bit of work, I think this could be a really engaging story and working on the emotions will really help to capture the readers interest more.
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 21-Oct-2023
reply by the author on 21-Oct-2023
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Thanks for your review. Food for thought for sure. I believe you are on the right track. Thanks again.
Have a wonderful day.
Cheers
Barry Penfold.
Comment from Wayne Fowler
Well written.
You might want to revisit these sentences. - "No fuss dad. Can still look for treasure" - ("No fuss, Dad. I (or we) could still look for treasure.")
Best wishes.
reply by the author on 21-Oct-2023
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Well written.
You might want to revisit these sentences. - "No fuss dad. Can still look for treasure" - ("No fuss, Dad. I (or we) could still look for treasure.")
Best wishes.
Comment Written 21-Oct-2023
reply by the author on 21-Oct-2023
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Wayne,
Thanks for your review. I will also take on your suggestion. Have a great day and take care.
Regards
Barry Penfold.
Comment from Alexandra Trovato
This was an interesting, well written story. Your Author Note try helped to provide background knowledge for the topic and it was helpful to me. I enjoyed your full descriptions and authentic dialogues as well. Excellent writing and presentation!
Best wishes,
Alexandra
reply by the author on 21-Oct-2023
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This was an interesting, well written story. Your Author Note try helped to provide background knowledge for the topic and it was helpful to me. I enjoyed your full descriptions and authentic dialogues as well. Excellent writing and presentation!
Best wishes,
Alexandra
Comment Written 21-Oct-2023
reply by the author on 21-Oct-2023
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Alexandra, Thanks so much for your review. Glad you enjoyed the story. Yes, there used to be many bushrangers. I think there must be a lot of treasure out there. Take care and have a great day.
Cheers
Barry