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An unfortunate late night occurrence42 total reviews
Comment from Dolly'sPoems
Oh dear, this is embarrassing for this poor lad as he was extremely frightened and had a toilet incident. Good luck with the contest, this was a fun write, love Dolly x x x
reply by the author on 28-Aug-2023
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Oh dear, this is embarrassing for this poor lad as he was extremely frightened and had a toilet incident. Good luck with the contest, this was a fun write, love Dolly x x x
Comment Written 28-Aug-2023
reply by the author on 28-Aug-2023
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Thank you Dolly. As is always the case, I appreciate your fine and welcome remarks.
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You are most welcome x
Comment from Karen Cherry Threadgill
A sad but kind of cute story. It was told very well.
But, I thought it might have worked better if the father stopped the mother. He could say, "Honey this needs hot chocolate, don't you think? We will join you in a minute," Then he could have changed the bed while his son cleaned up, and then they could have headed downstairs. Hard to cram all that in only 100 words. When you get a minute read my "Moving Day" 100w story.
Karen
reply by the author on 28-Aug-2023
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A sad but kind of cute story. It was told very well.
But, I thought it might have worked better if the father stopped the mother. He could say, "Honey this needs hot chocolate, don't you think? We will join you in a minute," Then he could have changed the bed while his son cleaned up, and then they could have headed downstairs. Hard to cram all that in only 100 words. When you get a minute read my "Moving Day" 100w story.
Karen
Comment Written 28-Aug-2023
reply by the author on 28-Aug-2023
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Thank you. I did not initially set out to write this for the contest. I realized at my first edit that I had 100 words, so I decided to enter the contest.
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It is a good story as it is .
Keep writing I will keep reading. Give my story a look.
Karen
Comment from ImaginosBuzzardoDesdinova
Poor Jack. Scared and embarrassed at the same time. And it can certainly happen. Especially to a little child who hasn't much experience with storms. Very well written.
reply by the author on 28-Aug-2023
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Poor Jack. Scared and embarrassed at the same time. And it can certainly happen. Especially to a little child who hasn't much experience with storms. Very well written.
Comment Written 28-Aug-2023
reply by the author on 28-Aug-2023
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Thank you.
Comment from lancellot
Hmm, I think this is more of a scene, than complete story. There are some areas I would look into.
notes:
He screamed out in terror as his concerned parents burst into his room.
- you don't want to two or more character having action in the same line. This happens more than once.
-Also, this "story" is all narration. All tell and no show.
- I'm not sure what the story was about. A kid wet or messed up his pajamas from fear. Yes, you only have a hundred words, but try to include and think about the elements of a story. Then for flash, try for a surprise or moving ending.
reply by the author on 28-Aug-2023
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Hmm, I think this is more of a scene, than complete story. There are some areas I would look into.
notes:
He screamed out in terror as his concerned parents burst into his room.
- you don't want to two or more character having action in the same line. This happens more than once.
-Also, this "story" is all narration. All tell and no show.
- I'm not sure what the story was about. A kid wet or messed up his pajamas from fear. Yes, you only have a hundred words, but try to include and think about the elements of a story. Then for flash, try for a surprise or moving ending.
Comment Written 27-Aug-2023
reply by the author on 28-Aug-2023
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Hmm. Your points are well stated. I was playing around with an idea, realized that I had a hundred words, decided to give it a title, did some minor editing and submitted it to the contest. I have started losing interest in the whole thing now and am ready to move on from it. Thank you for your well thought out suggestions, but I think I am done.
Comment from Pam Lonsdale
I like the words "jolted" and "explosive" in the first paragraph - fits with the lightning.
Second paragraph: you don't need the word "up" after followed - followed by is sufficient. Just in case an extra word is needed in this word count.
You use the word "closer" twice and very close together. You could say "why he did not want them to approach", which would give you two more words to use elsewhere.
I've written a few of these things and I'm constantly trying to save words here so that I can spend them there, lol!
Just some suggestions, as I know the slightest thing can cause the judges to put your entry aside when there are only 100 words.
Good luck to you, sir!
Pam
reply by the author on 27-Aug-2023
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I like the words "jolted" and "explosive" in the first paragraph - fits with the lightning.
Second paragraph: you don't need the word "up" after followed - followed by is sufficient. Just in case an extra word is needed in this word count.
You use the word "closer" twice and very close together. You could say "why he did not want them to approach", which would give you two more words to use elsewhere.
I've written a few of these things and I'm constantly trying to save words here so that I can spend them there, lol!
Just some suggestions, as I know the slightest thing can cause the judges to put your entry aside when there are only 100 words.
Good luck to you, sir!
Pam
Comment Written 27-Aug-2023
reply by the author on 27-Aug-2023
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As before and seemingly always, you have taught me something of value for future use. I am so blessed to be affiliated with one skilled in the art I pursue. You could be selfish and withhold the valuable pointers you so willingly share. I am so glad that you choose to share.
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I'm glad you think so. Some would tell me to bug off, lol!
Comment from LateBloomer
Hi Nomi, your story is filled with good imagery and sensory appeal. I could hear and see it all. Of special note:
This was followed up by a jagged bolt of lightning that frightened him, as it resembled a dagger or sword.
(Well done; well said. I can see it, and I can hear it.)
N, kids and bathroom accidents happen--adults and bathroom accidents happen too. Some things never change.
Well chosen photo. As this is a contest entry, I wish you good luck.
Margaret ~ LateBloomer
reply by the author on 27-Aug-2023
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Hi Nomi, your story is filled with good imagery and sensory appeal. I could hear and see it all. Of special note:
This was followed up by a jagged bolt of lightning that frightened him, as it resembled a dagger or sword.
(Well done; well said. I can see it, and I can hear it.)
N, kids and bathroom accidents happen--adults and bathroom accidents happen too. Some things never change.
Well chosen photo. As this is a contest entry, I wish you good luck.
Margaret ~ LateBloomer
Comment Written 27-Aug-2023
reply by the author on 27-Aug-2023
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Thank you so much. You have always offered your support and I am forever grateful.
Comment from Lisasview
Hi Nomi,
I think this is a good story but the run on sentence at the end could be made just a bit better.
Let's see... first you mention his parents then you say her.
His parents burst into his room...
Why don't both parents go to console him?
You need 29 words...in your last paragraph...
Okay, and back to the last part...which appears to be a run on sentence.
You could say something like...
you already used the word closer in the paragraph before..
Embarrassed, Jack jumped out of bed and ran into the bathroom to change into fresh pajamas.
His parents smiled at one another. Only 22 words...
Anyway, just food for thought.
Lisasview
reply by the author on 27-Aug-2023
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Hi Nomi,
I think this is a good story but the run on sentence at the end could be made just a bit better.
Let's see... first you mention his parents then you say her.
His parents burst into his room...
Why don't both parents go to console him?
You need 29 words...in your last paragraph...
Okay, and back to the last part...which appears to be a run on sentence.
You could say something like...
you already used the word closer in the paragraph before..
Embarrassed, Jack jumped out of bed and ran into the bathroom to change into fresh pajamas.
His parents smiled at one another. Only 22 words...
Anyway, just food for thought.
Lisasview
Comment Written 27-Aug-2023
reply by the author on 27-Aug-2023
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Thank you Lisa. I always welcome feedback as it helps me become more adept at the craft of writing relatable output.
Comment from JSD
Nice! Poor lad. You have summed up the embarrassment of a kid who has had an 'accident' excellently. All perfectly encapsulated in only a hundred words. Well done and good luck.
reply by the author on 27-Aug-2023
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Nice! Poor lad. You have summed up the embarrassment of a kid who has had an 'accident' excellently. All perfectly encapsulated in only a hundred words. Well done and good luck.
Comment Written 27-Aug-2023
reply by the author on 27-Aug-2023
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Thank you, I appreciate your comments.
Comment from Douglas Goff
Oh my goodness. We got us a real Johnny crapper ...er...Jack crapper here.
I find myself wondering how this will fare in your upcoming literary competition. We shall see. Good fortunes!
D
reply by the author on 27-Aug-2023
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Oh my goodness. We got us a real Johnny crapper ...er...Jack crapper here.
I find myself wondering how this will fare in your upcoming literary competition. We shall see. Good fortunes!
D
Comment Written 27-Aug-2023
reply by the author on 27-Aug-2023
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Thank you Douglas, as you pointed out, we shall indeed see.
Comment from jessizero
I am glad this was fictional, but yes, it could easily happen. I felt sorry for the boy, of course. You did a good job with your 100 words. Thank you for sharing, and best wishes to you.
reply by the author on 26-Aug-2023
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I am glad this was fictional, but yes, it could easily happen. I felt sorry for the boy, of course. You did a good job with your 100 words. Thank you for sharing, and best wishes to you.
Comment Written 26-Aug-2023
reply by the author on 26-Aug-2023
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Thank you so much.
