Apple Spice
Damned if you don't2 total reviews
Comment from Paul Manton
Humor in poetry is my favorite thing - and in short poetry, even better, because we get to the 'punch line' sooner!
So here is a 5-7-5 with a perfect count, and my main question is, 'Is the punchline funny enough?' Could there be a better one? Well yes.
'I'll MAKE some fruit sauce' would have made more sense. But there are lots better ideas than that - so back to "I'll bring the . . ." and you need two syllables to crack me up. Off the top of my head: pastry; custard; cream . . . but you might think of something much better.
The first two lines work brilliantly - an old joke and a cliche, but which rule says you can't use them?
Good luck with this competition.
Paul
reply by the author on 18-Aug-2023
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Humor in poetry is my favorite thing - and in short poetry, even better, because we get to the 'punch line' sooner!
So here is a 5-7-5 with a perfect count, and my main question is, 'Is the punchline funny enough?' Could there be a better one? Well yes.
'I'll MAKE some fruit sauce' would have made more sense. But there are lots better ideas than that - so back to "I'll bring the . . ." and you need two syllables to crack me up. Off the top of my head: pastry; custard; cream . . . but you might think of something much better.
The first two lines work brilliantly - an old joke and a cliche, but which rule says you can't use them?
Good luck with this competition.
Paul
Comment Written 18-Aug-2023
reply by the author on 18-Aug-2023
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Haha a man after my own heart!
Well I wrote this before I went to sleep and I woke to read your excellent review still half asleep. I wouldn't change a word of the verse but you made me understand what I failed to do. Sadly the contest is now closed so I can't change the sentence describing the title from "Damned if you don't" to "One day after the fall of man"
What I failed to communicate is that this is set outside the garden of Eden after the fall of man. So I lost you right there.
I agree with you wholeheartedly that the last verse would have been much better with two syllables. My original line was "I will bring the apple sauce" but of course that's six syllables so "fruit punch" was my only option. Keeping it in the context that the original forbidden fruit was still in their possession.
I do appreciate your comments and will make my noted change after the comp is judged. Bummer! Lol
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Welcome. sorry I missed the deadline.
Paul
Comment from Dolly'sPoems
This is hilarious and ideal for the contest. I loved the sentiment and as you say this is one of those situations where you cannot win, ha ha ha, a fun post, one of the best I have read so far, I reckon this one is a winner, love Dolly x
reply by the author on 26-Oct-2023
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This is hilarious and ideal for the contest. I loved the sentiment and as you say this is one of those situations where you cannot win, ha ha ha, a fun post, one of the best I have read so far, I reckon this one is a winner, love Dolly x
Comment Written 18-Aug-2023
reply by the author on 26-Oct-2023
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Thank you, Dolly.
John