Comment from Wayne Fowler

Excellent

Very nicely written. And a good story, too
when I suddenly saw a food courier, opening his delivery container - comma not needed
I have no idea if there were any more errant commas, I was to wrapped into the story.
Best wishes.

 Comment Written 17-Aug-2023

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reply by the author on 17-Aug-2023

Thanks, Wayne. Always good to see your perceptive eye looking at my scribbles.

reply by Wayne Fowler on 17-Aug-2023

scribbles my eye
smiley face here

Comment from Pam Lonsdale

Excellent

This is nit-picky: The paragraph that begins "I kept moving towards the house" - You use "inside" twice in the same sentence. Maybe: "would help me get inside someone's house to kill four people." We know they're inside, you've already told us that.

Ah, every last detail of the walk toward the victims' house, including the neglected rose bushes on both sides of the driveway. Excellent.

Sounds like your guy walked in on a typical Sunday afternoon - sports and steaks on the grill.

googled should be capitalized

Little things like "I needed to turn the lights down a bit" as a means of saying get him focused and serious. Little things make a big story.

Okay, I'm a child needing to have the adult explain something to me. You passed what? A test of some kind? That has gone right over my head.

I think he should have used on on Dave.

Okay, note to self, start saving some sixes for when I read your stuff.

So this story will continue? How do you write this shit? Are you a former super-secret spy guy killer assassin? You seem to "know stuff".

Happy writing!

Pam

 Comment Written 15-Aug-2023

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reply by the author on 16-Aug-2023

This is not nit-picking, I absolutely disdain repetitions and I cannot understand how I missed that.


This was a test - exactly. It was foreshadowed in the first part of Africa Exile:

"He needed more Elises and fewer Daves. But he still needed both. If he could have a guy with the intelligence of the first one and tactical skills of the second, he wouldn?t have to rely so much on either one of them. I would jump in and temporarily cover the work of each before a full-time replacement was found. That was, in case his evidently schizophrenic mind produced voices urging him to kill one of them. Should I do the job as per Dave?s instructions, I?d prove that I was only a brainless gun, unable to do anything besides killing. His confirmation of the Fat Man?s little live-streaming entertainment was the subtle signal of whether he could put a leash around my neck before he kicked me back in line where the rest of the dogs were."

I wanted to imply that both had separate agendas, but the Fat Man's was deeper - something I'll explore later on. It was intended to show that while Dave lied about the number of guys inside to test Protagonist's tactical efficiency, Fat Man's agenda was quite bigger.

The behaviour in here showed Dave that Protagonist is a talented operator, and Fat Man - that he is one level above Dave, guy who actually thinks about wider picture, not just the job at hand.

I should really freaking start doing those intros as you suggested. I tried with this one but I just couldn't bring myself to it. No idea why - maybe still in a headspace where I think that those can be treated as independent stories but again - sonner or later it'll limit my wiggle room.

Thank you dearly for your notes, time to read & words of encouragement, Pam. Much appreciated, as always.

Comment from Ric Myworld

Excellent

Every day, life itself is a test. And most will flunk. Especially, those who burn their meat, tan their buns, or wear blue hair. Characters make stories, not plots, and you certainly have a special knack for writing them. I wish I'd save a six for this one too. Thanks for sharing.

 Comment Written 15-Aug-2023

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reply by the author on 16-Aug-2023

Thank you dearly, Ric. Coming from a rat-a-tat-tats individual like you this means a lot (referring to you know what!).

Comment from lancellot

Exceptional

Very nice. Superb, writing. Tests within tests. I would have been disappointed if Turbot lived. Too risky.

notes:

Don't you fucking dare get any ideas, do you understand, Turbot?["]

-add

"Don't worry. It wasn't really about the money." He said as if nothing happened.

-"Don't worry. It wasn't really about the money," he said as if nothing happened.

 Comment Written 14-Aug-2023

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reply by the author on 15-Aug-2023

My personal goal as a rookie is to get to a point where the perceptive and all-seeing eye of Lancelot will have nothing to catch. Much, much, much appreciated as always, good Sir.

On Turbot - I just hope his death wasn't predictable. It's something I absolutely despise in writing in general - be it books, TV shows, or movies.

Thank you dearly for your superstar rating, and I am sending my best to my superstar reviewer.

Comment from JSD

Excellent

'much more options'? I think you want 'many'. And I'm not sure what 'burked' is? Also, why 'called the solar plexus', instead of just 'I hit him in the solar plexus'?

Anyway, I'm being picky. Another great episode. Loving this so much. Have you tried working as a screen-writer?

John

 Comment Written 14-Aug-2023

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reply by the author on 14-Aug-2023

Tremendous thanks for this. Already amended. I feel like if I didn't specify that it's in the middle of the chest I'd receive questions - I honestly have no idea, just wanted to keep it simple.

I actually always wanted to be one, LOL! Thanks, JSD.

Comment from Debbie D'Arcy

Excellent

Your story is excellent, Bruce and you're such a natural at knowing exactly how to evoke a reaction from the reader, whether that be horror, comedy or suspense etc. Your dialogue is spot-on, as is pace. It could do with a little shortening/refinement perhaps and just check on the punctuation to improve readability. 'Compl(e)mented' (added quality to) in the first para instead of complimented. But this is great work and I think I owe you a congrats on a contest win! Well done! Debbie

 Comment Written 14-Aug-2023

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reply by the author on 14-Aug-2023

Thank you dearly, Debbie, for pointing that out. Very good catch and humbly amended it. I hope you enjoyed it and thank you dearly for taking the time to read and write this review. Much, much appreciated and wishing you absolutely tremendous week.

Comment from Nina Sexton

Excellent

Hi. Nice work. I was wondering if you were on other platforms as well and if you had other work I could check out. Also, is that your artwork? It's so hard to find.

 Comment Written 14-Aug-2023

Comment from barbara.wilkey

Excellent

You are a master at writing descriptions and action. Thank you for sharing your talent with us. I know I've said it before, but you have a winner on your hands. I can't wait until it's published.

 Comment Written 14-Aug-2023

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reply by the author on 14-Aug-2023

As always - tons of thanks for taking the time to read and writing those words of encouragement. Wishing you a fantastic week ahead, Barbara.

Comment from Iza Deleanu

Excellent

Hit the target or kill two birds with one stone and get Aldo the money in the process. I guess this qualifies for a fouble hit. Thank you for sharing and good luck with your next chapter.

 Comment Written 14-Aug-2023

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reply by the author on 14-Aug-2023

Thank you kindly, Iza. Wishing you a fabulous week ahead.