The struggles of a homeless man
Some help can make all the difference2 total reviews
Comment from lancellot
Very nice and simple story for a very complex issue. Now, I get the intent of the story. I do. But as a story, this has many shortcomings. We really know nothing about Pete.
The concept:
You wrote:
Finding a job would be impossible, being homeless, wearing dirty clothes, smelling like urine, and having no home address. No one would ever hire him, and then there are trust issues.
-This is called throwaway line(s). It is meant to stop the obvious questions, but never explains anything.
Then you wrote:
Pete did not want to be homeless. He hated it. Pete wanted an everyday life like he once had. Pete didn't use drugs or drink alcohol but was typecast as a druggy and a drunk.
-This is another such line. You want the reader to empathize with Pete, so you make him blameless for his situation. Then by having a stranger (a miracle) find him, guide him, feed him, house him, clean him, shelter him, and then point him to employment. It screams, Pete or those like just someone (kind) to 'give' them what they need. Then everything will be great. Do you see the problems?
Structure:
But the man said, "Are you hungry"? "What's your name" Pete answered, "Yes, I am. My name is Pete or why he was homeless.
- All of this paragraph needs a rewrite, with emphasis on editing and separating each speaker into his own line.
reply by the author on 13-Aug-2023
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Very nice and simple story for a very complex issue. Now, I get the intent of the story. I do. But as a story, this has many shortcomings. We really know nothing about Pete.
The concept:
You wrote:
Finding a job would be impossible, being homeless, wearing dirty clothes, smelling like urine, and having no home address. No one would ever hire him, and then there are trust issues.
-This is called throwaway line(s). It is meant to stop the obvious questions, but never explains anything.
Then you wrote:
Pete did not want to be homeless. He hated it. Pete wanted an everyday life like he once had. Pete didn't use drugs or drink alcohol but was typecast as a druggy and a drunk.
-This is another such line. You want the reader to empathize with Pete, so you make him blameless for his situation. Then by having a stranger (a miracle) find him, guide him, feed him, house him, clean him, shelter him, and then point him to employment. It screams, Pete or those like just someone (kind) to 'give' them what they need. Then everything will be great. Do you see the problems?
Structure:
But the man said, "Are you hungry"? "What's your name" Pete answered, "Yes, I am. My name is Pete or why he was homeless.
- All of this paragraph needs a rewrite, with emphasis on editing and separating each speaker into his own line.
Comment Written 12-Aug-2023
reply by the author on 13-Aug-2023
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Thank you for your comments, you taught me something I did not realize I was doing. I will keep those suggestions in mind for future stories.
Comment from walk.write.reflect
I am immersed in the story and am finally experiencing a sense of joy as the character receives a life-changing miracle. I hope to witness more real-life miracles like this in the world. Thank you for sharing this emotional story.
Best Regards.
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I am immersed in the story and am finally experiencing a sense of joy as the character receives a life-changing miracle. I hope to witness more real-life miracles like this in the world. Thank you for sharing this emotional story.
Best Regards.
Comment Written 12-Aug-2023
