Br'er Rabbit
Viewing comments for Chapter 2 "Opium & Love II"Ex-intelligence officer's personal tragedy
8 total reviews
Comment from Ric Myworld
You cover a lot of ground in a hurry, which leads me to believe you write what you know, or have experienced at some point in time. Taking me from Rio's Copacabana and Ipanema beaches, up Sugarloaf Mountain's granite peak to its summit, or to Cape Town's Table Mountain where the two oceans meet. And even the smell of the opium den. Great job! Thanks for sharing.
reply by the author on 14-Aug-2023
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You cover a lot of ground in a hurry, which leads me to believe you write what you know, or have experienced at some point in time. Taking me from Rio's Copacabana and Ipanema beaches, up Sugarloaf Mountain's granite peak to its summit, or to Cape Town's Table Mountain where the two oceans meet. And even the smell of the opium den. Great job! Thanks for sharing.
Comment Written 14-Aug-2023
reply by the author on 14-Aug-2023
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Just setting up the plot. Thank you dearly for reading and an exceptional rating, buddy. One can only to wish to write how you write your picturesque reviews! All the best for a week, Ric.
Comment from Liz O'Neill
Your first few paragraphs will definitely draw the reader in. You have created a powerful, visceral experience for the reader. More mystery. This is good: "What the hell was she doing here, I asked myself, knowing damn well that it's all my fault."
you have a powerful use of metaphors it adds so much more to your story. I'm going to continue reading your story and enjoy it and maybe make some summary comments at the end. My summary is this is excellent. A+ quality.
reply by the author on 11-Aug-2023
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Your first few paragraphs will definitely draw the reader in. You have created a powerful, visceral experience for the reader. More mystery. This is good: "What the hell was she doing here, I asked myself, knowing damn well that it's all my fault."
you have a powerful use of metaphors it adds so much more to your story. I'm going to continue reading your story and enjoy it and maybe make some summary comments at the end. My summary is this is excellent. A+ quality.
Comment Written 11-Aug-2023
reply by the author on 11-Aug-2023
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Thank you dearly, Lizz. Br?er Rabbit serves as a plot synopsis to the whole manuscript I am now producing. I would be more than thrilled to read your summary following this & the first part of Opium. Thank you so much for an exceptional rating and wishing you a fantastic weekend.
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***Smile***
You continuously capture the reader, just in case they lost interest. You have done a good job shaping your characters. This makes the reader want to read the next line, the next chapter.
Comment from Iza Deleanu
I wonder who the boss of this underground operation is. Reading this chapter, I drifted back to a Canadian TV series, Operation Romeo, that was not continued after one year because it was showcasing badly certain ethnicities.
reply by the author on 11-Aug-2023
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I wonder who the boss of this underground operation is. Reading this chapter, I drifted back to a Canadian TV series, Operation Romeo, that was not continued after one year because it was showcasing badly certain ethnicities.
Comment Written 11-Aug-2023
reply by the author on 11-Aug-2023
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Those are the fictional stories about bad people, with bad characters, doing bad things. Not esseys on my political or ethnical views. There was no generalising, nor any indication of the ethnical stereotyping in here.
Thank you for the excellent rating but I do not intend to divulge in conversations in which I would ever have to explain my worldviews here.
Comment from Pam Lonsdale
I can tell you've come home from holiday - lots less writing this week, lol! That's okay, quality, not quantity, right?
More like this: "anxiousness rising in parallel to the speed at which my senses came back." Great writing:-)
Just a suggestion: "pulled on the first pair of jeans I could see lying around." Less words can be better: "first pair of jeans I could find." The rest is implied. Just to give you an idea of how you can cut unnecessary wording.
"I could smell the awful scent of Private Blend Dufte Oud Wood by Tom Ford that Ben used to wear." That's a mouthful and is likely to lose the reader midway. A suggestion: "I could smell the awful scent of the cologne Ben used to wear." You get your point across in fewer words.
Sometimes saying a little more is a bonus: "my tongue was still in place to spit poison." You've given us a bit of his vengeful personality here.
Some good imagery here - sights and smells especially. Do you see how it adds texture and depth to your story?
It's another step to have to do this, but I would suggest a short summary of what has happened previously (the last chapter will do), so people are reminded of where they left off (we read a lot here, and sometimes we have to have our memories jogged).
Bruce, you've got great stories to tell and we don't get enough of this kind of action and intrigue on this platform. I think people see you as a great new opportunity for good stuff to read. (Sorry, didn't mean to reduce you to a commodity - it's meant to be a compliment.)
Have a great weekend.
Pam
reply by the author on 11-Aug-2023
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I can tell you've come home from holiday - lots less writing this week, lol! That's okay, quality, not quantity, right?
More like this: "anxiousness rising in parallel to the speed at which my senses came back." Great writing:-)
Just a suggestion: "pulled on the first pair of jeans I could see lying around." Less words can be better: "first pair of jeans I could find." The rest is implied. Just to give you an idea of how you can cut unnecessary wording.
"I could smell the awful scent of Private Blend Dufte Oud Wood by Tom Ford that Ben used to wear." That's a mouthful and is likely to lose the reader midway. A suggestion: "I could smell the awful scent of the cologne Ben used to wear." You get your point across in fewer words.
Sometimes saying a little more is a bonus: "my tongue was still in place to spit poison." You've given us a bit of his vengeful personality here.
Some good imagery here - sights and smells especially. Do you see how it adds texture and depth to your story?
It's another step to have to do this, but I would suggest a short summary of what has happened previously (the last chapter will do), so people are reminded of where they left off (we read a lot here, and sometimes we have to have our memories jogged).
Bruce, you've got great stories to tell and we don't get enough of this kind of action and intrigue on this platform. I think people see you as a great new opportunity for good stuff to read. (Sorry, didn't mean to reduce you to a commodity - it's meant to be a compliment.)
Have a great weekend.
Pam
Comment Written 11-Aug-2023
reply by the author on 11-Aug-2023
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Fantastic piece of feedback, Pam.
- contemplated the cologne part, but I always find it overused in books I read. The point I wanted to bring across was the feeling/smelling of "familiar".
- the point on the sights & smell - got it from you following your previous review. Started to put a lot of attention towards it - firstly with Sex Brule, now this. Eternally grateful for your comment under the last part of Opium & Love - "Have your narrator share something he touched, tasted, heard, smelled, and saw.", one of the most impactful advice I now carry when writing.
- Short summary: I wanted those to be independent short stories, but it starts to limit me heavily. Even with this one, it was a risk to publish it without this brief piece of introduction which I will have to implement if I want to carry on publishing it as short stories rather than chapters. I'll leverage on your Dolly stories - yes, I looked at them, but I never got around to sit and read them. Weekend's coming, and it's in my agend, finally.
Thank you dearly for your words of encouragement, Pam. Appreciate the feedback dearly - as you can probably see following my acknowledgment of your comment and the impact it had on my works since then.
Comment from Katherine M. (k-11)
The strength of this is that it leads us on very clearly from Br'er Rabbit Opium and Love, into a a world of twists and turns that you would expect from the complex thriller you are building up. You have tightly packed action once again, with a good storyline. What is missing to me slightly is the pacing. You have made it contemplative, which doesn't sit too well with the dense action. kay
reply by the author on 11-Aug-2023
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The strength of this is that it leads us on very clearly from Br'er Rabbit Opium and Love, into a a world of twists and turns that you would expect from the complex thriller you are building up. You have tightly packed action once again, with a good storyline. What is missing to me slightly is the pacing. You have made it contemplative, which doesn't sit too well with the dense action. kay
Comment Written 11-Aug-2023
reply by the author on 11-Aug-2023
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Thanks for your feedback, Kay. Duly noted, as always.
Comment from barbara.wilkey
Again, this is very well written the descriptions and the emotions are excellent. You have a winner with this novel. I hope you continue and get it published. Good luck.
reply by the author on 11-Aug-2023
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Again, this is very well written the descriptions and the emotions are excellent. You have a winner with this novel. I hope you continue and get it published. Good luck.
Comment Written 11-Aug-2023
reply by the author on 11-Aug-2023
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Thank you dearly, Barbara.
Comment from Karen Cherry Threadgill
Smacked me over the head immediately.
Love what you've done so far. I want more.I have been reading since I was three, And I read about a book a day. I completely enjoyed this so far.
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Smacked me over the head immediately.
Love what you've done so far. I want more.I have been reading since I was three, And I read about a book a day. I completely enjoyed this so far.
Comment Written 11-Aug-2023
Comment from JSD
Another excellent piece of detective fiction. Well done. Really enjoy your narrative and the dialogue, once again, is utterly convincing. The whole thing is gripping.
reply by the author on 11-Aug-2023
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Another excellent piece of detective fiction. Well done. Really enjoy your narrative and the dialogue, once again, is utterly convincing. The whole thing is gripping.
Comment Written 11-Aug-2023
reply by the author on 11-Aug-2023
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Encouraging as always, JSD. Thank you kindly.