Pierre
An unforgettable room I wish I could forget19 total reviews
Comment from Father Flaps
Hi Loretta,
Congratulations on winning the "Sense of Place Short Story" contest!
I'm guessing Pierre was your brother, and he suffered with asthma all his life. His hobby was photography. He loved to read, especially science fiction and fantasy. And he took an interest in politics.
I think your father was finally trying to clean out the room, little by little. Because of the dust, I'm assuming Pierre didn't pass away recently. They've left the room untouched since then. But now is the time to get past the grieving.
This is a great idea for the "sense of place", the bedroom where Pierre spent so much of his time. You've done so well with it, I can picture him there.
suggestions,
"On a rod wait all his (empty) clothes, along with a few hangers." ... (I'm not sure about "empty" as a descriptive word here for the clothes. I know you're probably using it for the brother who has passed away some time ago. It's also in close proximity to "empty" that you've used 3 sentences later for the same reason.)
"One day after a visit, I saw him through the window, reading Isaac Asimov as he puffed in and (so) out, and (so) on, suck-release, suck release." ... ( I think one of these should be deleted, and I'd say the first.)
"On a second card table sits all my brother's (medicine), the digestion pills, the drops that stain his teeth." ... (I suggest, meds)
"On the carpet is a huge box of Kleenex and a (wastepaper) full of stained tissues." ... ( I suggest waste-basket or trash can.)
I hope some of this helps.
Hugs,
Kimbob
reply by the author on 23-Jul-2023
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Hi Loretta,
Congratulations on winning the "Sense of Place Short Story" contest!
I'm guessing Pierre was your brother, and he suffered with asthma all his life. His hobby was photography. He loved to read, especially science fiction and fantasy. And he took an interest in politics.
I think your father was finally trying to clean out the room, little by little. Because of the dust, I'm assuming Pierre didn't pass away recently. They've left the room untouched since then. But now is the time to get past the grieving.
This is a great idea for the "sense of place", the bedroom where Pierre spent so much of his time. You've done so well with it, I can picture him there.
suggestions,
"On a rod wait all his (empty) clothes, along with a few hangers." ... (I'm not sure about "empty" as a descriptive word here for the clothes. I know you're probably using it for the brother who has passed away some time ago. It's also in close proximity to "empty" that you've used 3 sentences later for the same reason.)
"One day after a visit, I saw him through the window, reading Isaac Asimov as he puffed in and (so) out, and (so) on, suck-release, suck release." ... ( I think one of these should be deleted, and I'd say the first.)
"On a second card table sits all my brother's (medicine), the digestion pills, the drops that stain his teeth." ... (I suggest, meds)
"On the carpet is a huge box of Kleenex and a (wastepaper) full of stained tissues." ... ( I suggest waste-basket or trash can.)
I hope some of this helps.
Hugs,
Kimbob
Comment Written 23-Jul-2023
reply by the author on 23-Jul-2023
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Thank you, Kimbob for the edits and the congratulations. I will make changes later in the day.
To answer your questions, yes, my brother was named Pierre and he died of Cystic Fibrosis. The treatment machine was invented to loosen mucus from the lungs.
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Such a shame, Loretta. I'm sorry for your loss. How old was he?
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23 1/2 but he almost died when he was nine.
Comment from Carol Hillebrenner
This is a very good story that takes a reader right into the room after its owner will never return to it. Very well done and certainly a contest winner as the ribbon indicates.
reply by the author on 22-Jul-2023
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This is a very good story that takes a reader right into the room after its owner will never return to it. Very well done and certainly a contest winner as the ribbon indicates.
Comment Written 22-Jul-2023
reply by the author on 22-Jul-2023
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Thank you so much!
Comment from Mario PIERRE
I love your story. I love narrations which create a flow of emotions in me, and yours do. Your writing is sober and devoid of superfluous embellishments. I wish you good luck with this contest, and if that counts, I'm voting for you right now.
Mario
reply by the author on 21-Jul-2023
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I love your story. I love narrations which create a flow of emotions in me, and yours do. Your writing is sober and devoid of superfluous embellishments. I wish you good luck with this contest, and if that counts, I'm voting for you right now.
Mario
Comment Written 21-Jul-2023
reply by the author on 21-Jul-2023
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Thank you so much!
Comment from Wayne Fowler
Very nicely written. Good work.
Maybe Dad should have allowed a little privacy, a private visitation? And packed up things to take when he was alone.
Good luck in the contest.
reply by the author on 21-Jul-2023
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Very nicely written. Good work.
Maybe Dad should have allowed a little privacy, a private visitation? And packed up things to take when he was alone.
Good luck in the contest.
Comment Written 21-Jul-2023
reply by the author on 21-Jul-2023
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Yes, maybe he should have. Thanks for your review
Comment from LJbutterfly
This is a sad, but powerfully written story which includes vivid descriptions that puts the reader in the room. You include enough information about your brother to let the reader know he was ill, but your primary focus in on his room. You end with a captivating statement. "Like bad magic, gone." Well done. Best wishes in the contest.
reply by the author on 21-Jul-2023
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This is a sad, but powerfully written story which includes vivid descriptions that puts the reader in the room. You include enough information about your brother to let the reader know he was ill, but your primary focus in on his room. You end with a captivating statement. "Like bad magic, gone." Well done. Best wishes in the contest.
Comment Written 21-Jul-2023
reply by the author on 21-Jul-2023
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Thank you for your perceptive review.
Comment from Dolly'sPoems
This is a sad post and when someone we love, dies, we feel the emptiness in the room. I felt the same when I visited my Mother's home after her death, it is an eerie feeling. Your accurate descriptions of the room put us there with you as your eyes scan your brothers home, a poignant and deeply moving write, love Dolly x
reply by the author on 20-Jul-2023
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This is a sad post and when someone we love, dies, we feel the emptiness in the room. I felt the same when I visited my Mother's home after her death, it is an eerie feeling. Your accurate descriptions of the room put us there with you as your eyes scan your brothers home, a poignant and deeply moving write, love Dolly x
Comment Written 20-Jul-2023
reply by the author on 20-Jul-2023
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thank you for your review
Comment from GWHARGIS
You should get a six for this but I'm out. I felt like I was going through your late brother's room with you. Your father was practical. Although you didn't want to take the shoes and jacket, because that seems like a tacky thing to do, your father couldn't throw them away. Good things stay with family. Great piece. Gretchen . Good luck in the contest. Gretchen
reply by the author on 20-Jul-2023
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You should get a six for this but I'm out. I felt like I was going through your late brother's room with you. Your father was practical. Although you didn't want to take the shoes and jacket, because that seems like a tacky thing to do, your father couldn't throw them away. Good things stay with family. Great piece. Gretchen . Good luck in the contest. Gretchen
Comment Written 20-Jul-2023
reply by the author on 20-Jul-2023
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Thanks for a virtual 6 :)
Comment from Wendy G
A realistic, and honest, description of this room through which one sees your brother's life as he grew older and sicker. It is vivid and memorable, well written. Best wishes for your entry.
Wendy
reply by the author on 20-Jul-2023
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A realistic, and honest, description of this room through which one sees your brother's life as he grew older and sicker. It is vivid and memorable, well written. Best wishes for your entry.
Wendy
Comment Written 20-Jul-2023
reply by the author on 20-Jul-2023
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Thank you for your kind review
Comment from BethShelby
This is heartbreaking. You described the scene well. Your father is a more realistic andf practical and he wants someone to get use of things your brother no longer needs. You are seeing it all through a wall of emotion and to you, you aren't able to see those items on anyone else.
reply by the author on 20-Jul-2023
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This is heartbreaking. You described the scene well. Your father is a more realistic andf practical and he wants someone to get use of things your brother no longer needs. You are seeing it all through a wall of emotion and to you, you aren't able to see those items on anyone else.
Comment Written 20-Jul-2023
reply by the author on 20-Jul-2023
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Yes, well read. I was too young at the time to understand my father.
Comment from royowen
Losing someone close is always a memory nobody wants to rejoice in, but somehow it seems to be something we need to do penance with, one of my memories is a close friend who committed suicide when we were both only teens, beautifully written , good luck, blessings Roy
reply by the author on 20-Jul-2023
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Losing someone close is always a memory nobody wants to rejoice in, but somehow it seems to be something we need to do penance with, one of my memories is a close friend who committed suicide when we were both only teens, beautifully written , good luck, blessings Roy
Comment Written 20-Jul-2023
reply by the author on 20-Jul-2023
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Thank you so much for sharing.
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Most welcome
