Return To Concorde Valley
Viewing comments for Chapter 4 "Beyond the Forest"Fantasy based on the intersection of two worlds.
20 total reviews
Comment from Karen Cherry Threadgill
Sorry my head is still spinning from the twenty years I missed. This looks interesting. Where is Anthos? Will he age like she does? Will he be a handsome hunk that whisks her away? We will see. Karen
No need to reply NNR
reply by the author on 14-Jan-2024
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Sorry my head is still spinning from the twenty years I missed. This looks interesting. Where is Anthos? Will he age like she does? Will he be a handsome hunk that whisks her away? We will see. Karen
No need to reply NNR
Comment Written 14-Jan-2024
reply by the author on 14-Jan-2024
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What does NNR stand for? If it's something obvious, I'll feel silly, but still...
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NNR is No Need to Reply. When I am reading a book From start to finish having to respond to all the mail slows me down! Have you read my small town story Genoa?:-)
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No, I haven't read it, but I will now.
Comment from Sandra Stoner-Mitchell
I'm going to spend some time with a hot cup of Bovril and catch up with this story. I've been unwell for quite a while, but today I was given the all clear of a suspected cancer tumor in my mouth, but now they are going to investigate my voice box because my voice is a rather grating croak. I hope that will be an easy one to correct. I've not mentioned it on here, so keep it to yourself for a while. But, now one worry has gone, I'm going to move on.
I was so pleased to read Echo's grandparents had found her. But was sad for Theo. I wonder if they will meet again. Now it's 20 years on, and she is an apprentice investigative reporter for a newspaper. That sounds good! And her boss sounds the type who is kind and supportive. I'm glad I'm back with you, I have a few others to catch up with too. Great story, my friend. :)) Sandra xx
reply by the author on 10-Oct-2023
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I'm going to spend some time with a hot cup of Bovril and catch up with this story. I've been unwell for quite a while, but today I was given the all clear of a suspected cancer tumor in my mouth, but now they are going to investigate my voice box because my voice is a rather grating croak. I hope that will be an easy one to correct. I've not mentioned it on here, so keep it to yourself for a while. But, now one worry has gone, I'm going to move on.
I was so pleased to read Echo's grandparents had found her. But was sad for Theo. I wonder if they will meet again. Now it's 20 years on, and she is an apprentice investigative reporter for a newspaper. That sounds good! And her boss sounds the type who is kind and supportive. I'm glad I'm back with you, I have a few others to catch up with too. Great story, my friend. :)) Sandra xx
Comment Written 09-Oct-2023
reply by the author on 10-Oct-2023
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Oh Sandra, this is so sweet. Thank you for going back and reading. It?s so nice to have the input of another fantasy writer!
I?m so glad you were cleared of the cancer. I know that?s rough, and so happy you?re better all the way around. I truly have been there with the health problems, and sometimes it?s difficult to dig out.
Thank you for blessing me and others on here!
Hugs,
Rhonda
Comment from Faith Williams
Sorry, I'm jumping in at this point and not from the beginning, but that's an excellent chapter. You paint a vivid rescue scene with your words, especially 'swarmed by a horde of people.' Echo is a unique name. I like it.
Suggestions to consider:
"Echo keep calling," a male voice cried (out). In this sentence, I believe there should be a comma after 'Echo' as the voice is addressing her. Also, I think you could delete 'out' as it's unnecessary.
'For a moment, he embraced the teddy bear, letting tender memories flood (over) his young heart.' I think you could delete 'over' as it's unnecessary.
'She cut her eyes over to her imposing boss. Tall and large framed, he cut quite an aura of authority, but Echo had found a tender soul beneath his bluster.' You repeat 'cut' in these sentences. Maybe switch out the first one? Maybe snapped or shot?
"It happens I'm thinking about the story," she added,' I think you could delete the dialogue tag as the surrounding narration lets the reader know who is talking.
"And, how many times do I have to tell you that a good investigative reporter does more than report news," Claude continued, "she creates news and then writes about it?" I don't think you need that comma following 'and'. Also, I think it might be better to put the question mark following 'news'. Then 'She' would be capitalized.
'Brian, a tall, the editor's son, spoke up. "You mean the Super Claude Mart?" he said.' I think you might be missing a word after 'tall'. Again, I think the dialogue tag here is unnecessary as the surrounding narration lets the reader know who is speaking.
They are merely suggestions. You are free to do with them whatever you want. Your chapter is interesting and leaves me wanting more. Hopefully, we get some more details about this serial killer. And whatever happened to Theo? I look forward to reading more.
reply by the author on 18-Jul-2023
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Sorry, I'm jumping in at this point and not from the beginning, but that's an excellent chapter. You paint a vivid rescue scene with your words, especially 'swarmed by a horde of people.' Echo is a unique name. I like it.
Suggestions to consider:
"Echo keep calling," a male voice cried (out). In this sentence, I believe there should be a comma after 'Echo' as the voice is addressing her. Also, I think you could delete 'out' as it's unnecessary.
'For a moment, he embraced the teddy bear, letting tender memories flood (over) his young heart.' I think you could delete 'over' as it's unnecessary.
'She cut her eyes over to her imposing boss. Tall and large framed, he cut quite an aura of authority, but Echo had found a tender soul beneath his bluster.' You repeat 'cut' in these sentences. Maybe switch out the first one? Maybe snapped or shot?
"It happens I'm thinking about the story," she added,' I think you could delete the dialogue tag as the surrounding narration lets the reader know who is talking.
"And, how many times do I have to tell you that a good investigative reporter does more than report news," Claude continued, "she creates news and then writes about it?" I don't think you need that comma following 'and'. Also, I think it might be better to put the question mark following 'news'. Then 'She' would be capitalized.
'Brian, a tall, the editor's son, spoke up. "You mean the Super Claude Mart?" he said.' I think you might be missing a word after 'tall'. Again, I think the dialogue tag here is unnecessary as the surrounding narration lets the reader know who is speaking.
They are merely suggestions. You are free to do with them whatever you want. Your chapter is interesting and leaves me wanting more. Hopefully, we get some more details about this serial killer. And whatever happened to Theo? I look forward to reading more.
Comment Written 18-Jul-2023
reply by the author on 18-Jul-2023
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Wow, thank you so much for the detailed review. Not many people take the time to help in such a specific way. Everything you said was spot on and I made the changes. They really helped. Some of the mistakes came about because I changed what I had written without "cleaning up" after the changes.
I really do hope you follow the chapters as your advice was invaluable!!
Take care,
Rhonda
Comment from Paul Manton
Hi Rhonda! I don't review many stories, but I liked the first chapter, so I was inquisitive about this one. Works well -especially the seamless transition into the future. We all assume, though, (I should think) that Theo was far too significant to be gone for long.
Interesting collection of characters in this small town newspaper office - introduced obliquely - puts us right there in the middle of the investigation. I should avoid the cliche of 'a tall, good-looking young man' which is a bit clunky - instead you could give us a piece of salient info. since you are introducing him for the first time - so: 'Brian, the son of the Editor . . '
I liked a lot of things in the story - the account of Echo's rescue in part one, with the description of many reactions from her grandparents, rescuers and friends, was particularly realistic. And the banter in the office seemed well drawn too.
I look forward to the next installment - and can't wait until the 'two worlds collide'!
Paul
reply by the author on 17-Jul-2023
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Hi Rhonda! I don't review many stories, but I liked the first chapter, so I was inquisitive about this one. Works well -especially the seamless transition into the future. We all assume, though, (I should think) that Theo was far too significant to be gone for long.
Interesting collection of characters in this small town newspaper office - introduced obliquely - puts us right there in the middle of the investigation. I should avoid the cliche of 'a tall, good-looking young man' which is a bit clunky - instead you could give us a piece of salient info. since you are introducing him for the first time - so: 'Brian, the son of the Editor . . '
I liked a lot of things in the story - the account of Echo's rescue in part one, with the description of many reactions from her grandparents, rescuers and friends, was particularly realistic. And the banter in the office seemed well drawn too.
I look forward to the next installment - and can't wait until the 'two worlds collide'!
Paul
Comment Written 17-Jul-2023
reply by the author on 17-Jul-2023
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Paul, thank you so much for your review. You're right on the correction. I wasn't too sure about it myself, and am glad you offered an alternative.
You're right, Theo isn't far away, and will soon re-emerge.
I appreciate you going outside your comfort zone to review. That is very encouraging. Myself, I got behind on writing and reviewing this past week and it's hard to catch up, lol.
I appreciate you!
Rhonda
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Thanks, Rhonda.
Love from Paul
Comment from Pam (respa)
A very good chapter, Rhonda. It was a surprise to see the scene and time shift. The beginning was filled with Echo wondering who the voices were, and her anticipation as she began to realize they were family members and the memory she had of them. I felt bad for Theo, and that scene tugged at my heart.
He and Echo had formed a bond and he had returned with the fish to cook and even returned to get Cindy, the teddy bear. I think there will be more in store for the two of them. Their bond was special.
Twenty years have passed, but still Echo thinks of her happy place in the woods, especially when she is stressed, and it seems she is feeling that way in the newsroom. You made a smooth transition to the present time. I'm sure Echo is wishing it was going smoothly, too.
It seems like she will be covering opening day for the new hardware store, but I think Theo will always be close by in case there is a problem.
Well done.
reply by the author on 16-Jul-2023
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A very good chapter, Rhonda. It was a surprise to see the scene and time shift. The beginning was filled with Echo wondering who the voices were, and her anticipation as she began to realize they were family members and the memory she had of them. I felt bad for Theo, and that scene tugged at my heart.
He and Echo had formed a bond and he had returned with the fish to cook and even returned to get Cindy, the teddy bear. I think there will be more in store for the two of them. Their bond was special.
Twenty years have passed, but still Echo thinks of her happy place in the woods, especially when she is stressed, and it seems she is feeling that way in the newsroom. You made a smooth transition to the present time. I'm sure Echo is wishing it was going smoothly, too.
It seems like she will be covering opening day for the new hardware store, but I think Theo will always be close by in case there is a problem.
Well done.
Comment Written 16-Jul-2023
reply by the author on 16-Jul-2023
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Thank you for the lovely review, Pam, and for the 6 stars!!
You're right on Theo, and he will reappear very soon. The next few chapters will tell a bit more on their relationship over the years, if such you could call it. He was never gone completely.
There was a time shift, and I started to do the first part as a flashback to know who Theo was and why he was so important, but, for now, I'll keep it this way.
Thank you, again,
Rhonda
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You are very welcome and deserving of the stars and review, Rhonda. I appreciate your reply.
Comment from Sally Law
This was quite the unexpected turn! I love it! Now, please know, I'm from Roswell, Georgia, so this setting is so familiar to me. I enjoyed the shift for Echo Jones and I think she'll do marvelously. A great beginning here. Her past will certainly weave into the story. Staying on!
Sending you my best today as always,
Sal xoxo's
reply by the author on 16-Jul-2023
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This was quite the unexpected turn! I love it! Now, please know, I'm from Roswell, Georgia, so this setting is so familiar to me. I enjoyed the shift for Echo Jones and I think she'll do marvelously. A great beginning here. Her past will certainly weave into the story. Staying on!
Sending you my best today as always,
Sal xoxo's
Comment Written 16-Jul-2023
reply by the author on 16-Jul-2023
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Hi Sally,
Thanks for the wonderful review, and for waiting a couple of days for the 6. How very thoughtful!
I lived a lot of years in Douglasville, Georgia and often think of it when I need a happy spot!
Hugs my friend. Still praying for you,
Rhonda
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I lived in Georgia, mostly, until I was nine. My grandparents lived in Canton and Roswell. My parents had a troubled marriage AMD my father was an alcoholic. We all lived together under one roof to survive. My mom couldn't take it anymore and we moved just us girls and my brother, Robbie, to an apartment. Two years later, 1964, we left Georgia and started over in Florida. My mom was remarried in 1967.
Blessings,
Sal :)) xoxoxo
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Oh wow, sorry to hear your experience wasn't good there, but sounds like they got better in Florida. It's okay, Echo doesn't have much luck in Georgia, either. She'll relocate as well.
Comment from Jay Squires
I had a little problem with the passage of events when (the little) she awoke. I cover that below. Afterward, things evolve perfectly for me.
Echo shook her head. There was something tugging at her memory, something else before she'd met Theo... a fire... great loss... abandonment. [Rhonda, some bothers me in this paragraph and the preceding two. To have her awaken from a nap to find herself in this state of mind, doesn't have a realistic ring to it. It reads like she was awakening from a spell cast on her.]
I love your use of dialogue between the characters, particularly Echo and Claude. This is a good beginning for a mystery/thriller. I'll be interested in seeing where you take us with the disparity between the young and the old Echo.
Jay
reply by the author on 15-Jul-2023
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I had a little problem with the passage of events when (the little) she awoke. I cover that below. Afterward, things evolve perfectly for me.
Echo shook her head. There was something tugging at her memory, something else before she'd met Theo... a fire... great loss... abandonment. [Rhonda, some bothers me in this paragraph and the preceding two. To have her awaken from a nap to find herself in this state of mind, doesn't have a realistic ring to it. It reads like she was awakening from a spell cast on her.]
I love your use of dialogue between the characters, particularly Echo and Claude. This is a good beginning for a mystery/thriller. I'll be interested in seeing where you take us with the disparity between the young and the old Echo.
Jay
Comment Written 15-Jul-2023
reply by the author on 15-Jul-2023
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Thank you for your honest and helpful review. I'll try to tweak that beginning part to make it sound more realistic. I was heading for the idea of how a person can be so deeply asleep they wake up not sure where they are, and, also, to sort of review the reader on the previous part. In a final draft, that sort of summary would be left out.
I'm glad you liked the dialogue between Claude and Echo. They banter often like that in the newspaper. I actually based it on a newspaper my mother worked at. She was giving me tips, lol.
Thanks again,
Rhonda
Comment from BethShelby
This was interesting. I wasn't expecting time to pass so quickly, I thought this was going to be a children's story but I see I was wrong. Do you still live in Texas. I see your story has migrated to Atlanta which is a place I'm familiar with.
reply by the author on 15-Jul-2023
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This was interesting. I wasn't expecting time to pass so quickly, I thought this was going to be a children's story but I see I was wrong. Do you still live in Texas. I see your story has migrated to Atlanta which is a place I'm familiar with.
Comment Written 15-Jul-2023
reply by the author on 15-Jul-2023
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I do still live in Texas, but I lived for quite a while in Douglasville, Ga when I was in middle school and high school.
The book is designed for young adults, about the age of the high school kids I teach and college. I just wanted to start with the innocence of childhood to show a connection between Echo and Theo that will last through adulthood. I'll tie him back in shortly.
Thanks for following,
Rhonda
Comment from rspoet
Hello Rhonda,
This is an excellent transition chapter as we move from fantasy to reality and also jump from childhood to adulthood. Unfortunately, the future appears to involve a serial killer. :(
The rescue of Echo by grandfather, Virgil and grandmother is well done.
I have a feeling that Theo may turn out to be Echo's guardian angel, or guardian forest-friend of unusual origin.
The two Bakers, father and son, should be an interesting pair in the story.
Too bad they don't run a bakery, I could use a blueberry danish this morning.
Well done on all counts.
Best wishes.
Robert
reply by the author on 15-Jul-2023
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Hello Rhonda,
This is an excellent transition chapter as we move from fantasy to reality and also jump from childhood to adulthood. Unfortunately, the future appears to involve a serial killer. :(
The rescue of Echo by grandfather, Virgil and grandmother is well done.
I have a feeling that Theo may turn out to be Echo's guardian angel, or guardian forest-friend of unusual origin.
The two Bakers, father and son, should be an interesting pair in the story.
Too bad they don't run a bakery, I could use a blueberry danish this morning.
Well done on all counts.
Best wishes.
Robert
Comment Written 15-Jul-2023
reply by the author on 15-Jul-2023
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Thank you for the 6 stars, Robert, and for your insightful review.
Theo, as you?ve guessed, will return before too long, but only when Echo?s need is great. A bit of foreshadowing already present should lead you to the when of it.
Again, much thanks, my friend,
Rhonda
Comment from lyenochka
I hope little Echo went back to the cave to retrieve her teddy bear. Now I'm curious as to if grown-up Echo will reunite with Theo. Will Theo help her in her investigative journalism? He has access to super powers and another realm. I see the story taking a fresh turn.
reply by the author on 14-Jul-2023
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I hope little Echo went back to the cave to retrieve her teddy bear. Now I'm curious as to if grown-up Echo will reunite with Theo. Will Theo help her in her investigative journalism? He has access to super powers and another realm. I see the story taking a fresh turn.
Comment Written 14-Jul-2023
reply by the author on 14-Jul-2023
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Thank you for your review and comments, Helen. Certainly they will meet again, but not until she needs him as much as she did before. At that point, her life will never be the same.
Take care,
Rhonda