Tales of our Times
Viewing comments for Chapter 8 "Rusted heartstrings"Collection of short stories
5 total reviews
Comment from Lisasview
I enjoyed the story quite bit but felt that the use of Jimmy so many times throughout you story was too much... Perhaps his or he would work better?
Good luck in the contest,
Lisasview, new to this site
reply by the author on 10-Jul-2023
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I enjoyed the story quite bit but felt that the use of Jimmy so many times throughout you story was too much... Perhaps his or he would work better?
Good luck in the contest,
Lisasview, new to this site
Comment Written 09-Jul-2023
reply by the author on 10-Jul-2023
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Thanks for reading and sharing zanya
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You are most welcome,
Lisa
Comment from Andrea Kepple
Nice arc to have Jimmy move from his isolation within his own home to the prospect of finding someone else to share his life with. Best of luck with the contest.
reply by the author on 10-Jul-2023
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Nice arc to have Jimmy move from his isolation within his own home to the prospect of finding someone else to share his life with. Best of luck with the contest.
Comment Written 08-Jul-2023
reply by the author on 10-Jul-2023
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Thanks for reading and reviewing zanya
Comment from Debbie D'Arcy
A well expressed flash with poignancy and good descriptive detail hooking the reader in. I did expect a little more of a twist at the end but this would of course be a great introduction to a longer write. Thanks for sharing and good luck! Debbie
reply by the author on 10-Jul-2023
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A well expressed flash with poignancy and good descriptive detail hooking the reader in. I did expect a little more of a twist at the end but this would of course be a great introduction to a longer write. Thanks for sharing and good luck! Debbie
Comment Written 08-Jul-2023
reply by the author on 10-Jul-2023
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Great reveiw zanya
Comment from Paul Manton
Dear friend, You have constructed a very realistic story of a 'three dimensional' character in Jimmy. We learn (good beginning) of his work as a truck driver, of the hours he works - and then a good transition, through his own thoughts, of his lonely situation and fears for the future - later the episode involving Tim's advice, anxiously taken. You end, very effectively, on a 'cliffhanger' - what next?
Well written throughout and well planned and plotted.
I hope you will allow me a few suggestions which you might like to consider: end of para 1 - at 'latest' would be better
para 3 - 'widowerhood' is a bit clunky - better to say, 'being a widower' or use 'bereavement' instead of the original? Alternatively, 'single life' might do.
para 5 - has a repeat of 'sympathy' - maybe used for stylistic effect -but if not, consider,'... unwanted sympathy, whether genuine or not - either way, he could do without them.'
I read this again and had to admire the choice of vocabulary and phrasing -it is a pleasure to read. I look forward to discovering whether Jim's life is about to improve.
Thank you.
Paul
reply by the author on 10-Jul-2023
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Dear friend, You have constructed a very realistic story of a 'three dimensional' character in Jimmy. We learn (good beginning) of his work as a truck driver, of the hours he works - and then a good transition, through his own thoughts, of his lonely situation and fears for the future - later the episode involving Tim's advice, anxiously taken. You end, very effectively, on a 'cliffhanger' - what next?
Well written throughout and well planned and plotted.
I hope you will allow me a few suggestions which you might like to consider: end of para 1 - at 'latest' would be better
para 3 - 'widowerhood' is a bit clunky - better to say, 'being a widower' or use 'bereavement' instead of the original? Alternatively, 'single life' might do.
para 5 - has a repeat of 'sympathy' - maybe used for stylistic effect -but if not, consider,'... unwanted sympathy, whether genuine or not - either way, he could do without them.'
I read this again and had to admire the choice of vocabulary and phrasing -it is a pleasure to read. I look forward to discovering whether Jim's life is about to improve.
Thank you.
Paul
Comment Written 08-Jul-2023
reply by the author on 10-Jul-2023
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What a superb reveiw - thanks for taking time to read and review.
Comment from JT traveller
A wonderful write, expressing souch in so few words. I enjoyed the ending which left the reader hanging.
One suggestion, where you have ended one sentence with Marge followed by a period, you also begin the next sentence with Marge. Perhaps change the second Marge to She or His wife?
Keep up the good work. J
reply by the author on 10-Jul-2023
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A wonderful write, expressing souch in so few words. I enjoyed the ending which left the reader hanging.
One suggestion, where you have ended one sentence with Marge followed by a period, you also begin the next sentence with Marge. Perhaps change the second Marge to She or His wife?
Keep up the good work. J
Comment Written 07-Jul-2023
reply by the author on 10-Jul-2023
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Great review and thanks for sharing zanya