A Mermaid's Tale or Tail
Viewing comments for Chapter 2 "The Football Game"A teenager has a huge decision to make that will d
6 total reviews
Comment from Liz O'Neill
Clever how you used the setting to be the focal point of a primary question, especially one involving money. Many a reader will identify with the phrase food is love. we've probably all been in a situation where we felt we had to eat what the cook gave us because she would think we didn't love her. This is very age appropriate vocabulary and subject matter is something this age would be attracted to. Well done. On to the next chapter.
reply by the author on 26-Aug-2023
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Clever how you used the setting to be the focal point of a primary question, especially one involving money. Many a reader will identify with the phrase food is love. we've probably all been in a situation where we felt we had to eat what the cook gave us because she would think we didn't love her. This is very age appropriate vocabulary and subject matter is something this age would be attracted to. Well done. On to the next chapter.
Comment Written 25-Aug-2023
reply by the author on 26-Aug-2023
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Thank you for reading and reviewing. I appreciate the many stars. Have a blessed day.
Comment from lyenochka
It sounds like it will be a great sleepover party! And what a great thing to have such a hospitable mom who loves to feed her daughter's guests and can even sew great dresses for them!
Suggestions:
"What time are we meeting at your house?" Inquired Seana. (inquired) speech tags are not capitalized.
Game. Over 14 -0. (Game over: 14 -0. )
Punctuation problems here:
"Boo Boo, stop!! Laughing Seana pushed him away from her face.
I know you are disappointed, but no run today, big boy"
"Oh Seana, you look beautiful. Lucy held out her arms, and Seana walked in for a hug." (end quotes should be after "beautiful." not "hug"
suggest:
"Boo Boo, stop!!" Laughing, Seana pushed him away from her face.
"I know you are disappointed, but no run today, big boy."
Lucy, Seana's mom, (no need to repeat that Lucy is Seana's mom)
reply by the author on 05-Jul-2023
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It sounds like it will be a great sleepover party! And what a great thing to have such a hospitable mom who loves to feed her daughter's guests and can even sew great dresses for them!
Suggestions:
"What time are we meeting at your house?" Inquired Seana. (inquired) speech tags are not capitalized.
Game. Over 14 -0. (Game over: 14 -0. )
Punctuation problems here:
"Boo Boo, stop!! Laughing Seana pushed him away from her face.
I know you are disappointed, but no run today, big boy"
"Oh Seana, you look beautiful. Lucy held out her arms, and Seana walked in for a hug." (end quotes should be after "beautiful." not "hug"
suggest:
"Boo Boo, stop!!" Laughing, Seana pushed him away from her face.
"I know you are disappointed, but no run today, big boy."
Lucy, Seana's mom, (no need to repeat that Lucy is Seana's mom)
Comment Written 05-Jul-2023
reply by the author on 05-Jul-2023
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Thank you for reading and reviewing. I appreciate the many stars. I will make those corrections. Have a blessed day.
Comment from Paul Manton
Hello Eliz. I've seen the Mermaid chapters on the site, but this is the first piece of yours I reviewed.
What a well told story! Really descriptive, no words wasted or unnecessary in the narrative, natural and unforced dialogue, a very effective change of scene and a great semi-reveal at the end. (We hear it's Seana' birthday once before)
Because I'm reviewing you from London, I assumed (I should know better) that the football game was a soccer match! Girls' and Women's soccer is huge in the UK (England are European Champions and vying with the US to be World No.1) But once the score was 14-0 I decided that I got that wrong.
So you start at the match - sorry, game - with lots of interesting background about the club venue - and a really nice interplay between Sophia, Lauren (spelt both ways), Corey and Seana - giving us more background information and preparing us for what is coming next.
Scene two introduces Lucy, who is a really well drawn, three dimensional character - (my mother was a seamstress, but working in leather goods) - then another interesting interlude with Seana and Boo Boo - again really comprehensive on the bond between the two of them. Dalmatians are very popular here.
And finally the 'reconciliation' between Seana and Lucy, when Seana is wearing her beautiful dress. That is very effective - the last line perfect to end the chapter.
Really well written. Thank you.
Paul
reply by the author on 05-Jul-2023
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Hello Eliz. I've seen the Mermaid chapters on the site, but this is the first piece of yours I reviewed.
What a well told story! Really descriptive, no words wasted or unnecessary in the narrative, natural and unforced dialogue, a very effective change of scene and a great semi-reveal at the end. (We hear it's Seana' birthday once before)
Because I'm reviewing you from London, I assumed (I should know better) that the football game was a soccer match! Girls' and Women's soccer is huge in the UK (England are European Champions and vying with the US to be World No.1) But once the score was 14-0 I decided that I got that wrong.
So you start at the match - sorry, game - with lots of interesting background about the club venue - and a really nice interplay between Sophia, Lauren (spelt both ways), Corey and Seana - giving us more background information and preparing us for what is coming next.
Scene two introduces Lucy, who is a really well drawn, three dimensional character - (my mother was a seamstress, but working in leather goods) - then another interesting interlude with Seana and Boo Boo - again really comprehensive on the bond between the two of them. Dalmatians are very popular here.
And finally the 'reconciliation' between Seana and Lucy, when Seana is wearing her beautiful dress. That is very effective - the last line perfect to end the chapter.
Really well written. Thank you.
Paul
Comment Written 05-Jul-2023
reply by the author on 05-Jul-2023
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Thank you so much for reading and this wonderful review. I enjoyed hearing about yourself. Have a blessed day.
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Thank you eliz100.
I wonder what you heard about me?
Intriguing.
Paul
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Your mother was a leather worker . Your football is soccer.
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No, Eliz, she didn't make footballs!
She did, however make magnificent sheepskin coats - and very high quality gloves. When she retired, in her 70s, she made exceptionally fine soft toys, which she sent to specialist shops all over the world.
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Ok, now I know more about you. LOL. I thought u said she did leather work, I was not picturing footballs but leather coats etc.
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Yes, I thought you did, but when you put the two ideas side by side, it looked like she might sew the footballs together. That's how soccer balls were made for more than a hundred years. I still have the amazing sheepskin car coat she made me 50 years ago. It looks brand new!
Comment from JSD
A lovely bit of narrative. Your dialogue is authentic, characters convincing and your description effective. A lovely sense of family too. Well done.
reply by the author on 05-Jul-2023
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A lovely bit of narrative. Your dialogue is authentic, characters convincing and your description effective. A lovely sense of family too. Well done.
Comment Written 05-Jul-2023
reply by the author on 05-Jul-2023
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Thank you for reading and reviewing. I appreciate the many stars. Havea blessed day.
Comment from Teri7
This is a very enjoyable post you have penned. I enjoyed reading this chapter. You used very good descriptive words and very good dialogue also. Thank you for sharing! love and blessings, Teri
reply by the author on 05-Jul-2023
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This is a very enjoyable post you have penned. I enjoyed reading this chapter. You used very good descriptive words and very good dialogue also. Thank you for sharing! love and blessings, Teri
Comment Written 05-Jul-2023
reply by the author on 05-Jul-2023
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Thank you for reading and reviewing. I appreciate the many stars. Have a blessed day.
Comment from barbara.wilkey
Great story, just keep an eye on your punctuation for dialogue. It can be tricky.
I like these new seats. Did the principal win the Irish Sweepstakes.?" (the question mark is enough you can delete the period after 'Sweepstakes?')
"What time are we meeting at your house?" Inquired Seana. (lower case 'i' on 'inquired')
"Boo Boo, stop!! Laughing Seana pushed him away from her face. (missing ending quotation marks after 'Stop!')
"Mom, can you come here a minute," Seana yelled. (question mark needed after 'minute?')
She stopped suddenly, "Oh Seana, you look beautiful. Lucy held out her arms, and Seana walked in for a hug." (TRY - She stopped suddenly. "Oh Seana, you look beautiful." Lucy held out her arms, and Seana walked in for a hug.)
reply by the author on 05-Jul-2023
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Great story, just keep an eye on your punctuation for dialogue. It can be tricky.
I like these new seats. Did the principal win the Irish Sweepstakes.?" (the question mark is enough you can delete the period after 'Sweepstakes?')
"What time are we meeting at your house?" Inquired Seana. (lower case 'i' on 'inquired')
"Boo Boo, stop!! Laughing Seana pushed him away from her face. (missing ending quotation marks after 'Stop!')
"Mom, can you come here a minute," Seana yelled. (question mark needed after 'minute?')
She stopped suddenly, "Oh Seana, you look beautiful. Lucy held out her arms, and Seana walked in for a hug." (TRY - She stopped suddenly. "Oh Seana, you look beautiful." Lucy held out her arms, and Seana walked in for a hug.)
Comment Written 05-Jul-2023
reply by the author on 05-Jul-2023
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Details, Details will be the death of me! Thank you so much for your feedback. I will fix those errors.