Eden in the Rain
Not every storm has a silver lining.12 total reviews
Comment from Andrea Kepple
Good job bringing the main character into focus and bringing the feelings she has along for the ride. You captured the experiences of many people in this world, those times when we are tested by fire and either rise to the occasion or shrink from being burned.
reply by the author on 08-Jul-2023
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Good job bringing the main character into focus and bringing the feelings she has along for the ride. You captured the experiences of many people in this world, those times when we are tested by fire and either rise to the occasion or shrink from being burned.
Comment Written 07-Jul-2023
reply by the author on 08-Jul-2023
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thank you so much for your kind review.
Comment from w.j.debi
A well told story of dreams sought but never realized. She gave up a lot when she left Eden, things that most people want. But she chose another life. Her dreams were too big to hold her there. By the time she realized what was important, she felt it was too late to go home.
You did an excellent job of showing the physical storm, and the storms in life.
Best of luck in the contest.
reply by the author on 07-Jul-2023
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A well told story of dreams sought but never realized. She gave up a lot when she left Eden, things that most people want. But she chose another life. Her dreams were too big to hold her there. By the time she realized what was important, she felt it was too late to go home.
You did an excellent job of showing the physical storm, and the storms in life.
Best of luck in the contest.
Comment Written 07-Jul-2023
reply by the author on 07-Jul-2023
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Thank you so much for your lovely review.
Comment from Rachelle Allen
Ugh. I am SOO mad at myself for not having saved a 6th * for you and this luminous piece. This story is EXCEPTIONAL!!
It seems, though, Sweet Mystery Writer, that the storm is still raging hard in YOU...and that's so unfair. Please, please forgive yourself for being young and in no position to do what your instincts and beautiful soul wanted. You were not in a position of power whatsoever. And afterward, it STILL might not have made a difference. A young girl's word versus an adult's? You're an adult now, yourself. You know how that could have been twisted to make it seemed justified, right?
You held it in your heart, though, and now, all these years later, you have brought justice to the incident with your unfathomably good writing skills. Please give yourself the BIGGEST of pats on the back for that. I SOOOO want this piece to win. It honestly is, as I've already said [but I'm a Jewish mommie, so it's my birthright to repeat myself...] exceptional. And exquisite. And SOOO full of heart. I think you're an incredible writer. I bet you're also a terrific songwriter, too, because both talents come from the same place: a heart that understands human nature and is in touch with its inner workings.
Good luck with this contest. As soon as I'm done here and vote for you, I'm going to also Fan you. I want to read all you have to say. xo
reply by the author on 07-Jul-2023
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Ugh. I am SOO mad at myself for not having saved a 6th * for you and this luminous piece. This story is EXCEPTIONAL!!
It seems, though, Sweet Mystery Writer, that the storm is still raging hard in YOU...and that's so unfair. Please, please forgive yourself for being young and in no position to do what your instincts and beautiful soul wanted. You were not in a position of power whatsoever. And afterward, it STILL might not have made a difference. A young girl's word versus an adult's? You're an adult now, yourself. You know how that could have been twisted to make it seemed justified, right?
You held it in your heart, though, and now, all these years later, you have brought justice to the incident with your unfathomably good writing skills. Please give yourself the BIGGEST of pats on the back for that. I SOOOO want this piece to win. It honestly is, as I've already said [but I'm a Jewish mommie, so it's my birthright to repeat myself...] exceptional. And exquisite. And SOOO full of heart. I think you're an incredible writer. I bet you're also a terrific songwriter, too, because both talents come from the same place: a heart that understands human nature and is in touch with its inner workings.
Good luck with this contest. As soon as I'm done here and vote for you, I'm going to also Fan you. I want to read all you have to say. xo
Comment Written 07-Jul-2023
reply by the author on 07-Jul-2023
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Talk about luminous! Right when I was feeling down about my writing, I get this wonderful review. Such a good feeling. I can't express enough how grateful I am for receiving such praise. But most of the story is fiction, so don't feel bad for me. Of course the horrible word part of the story really did happen to me on a bus in Nashville, and I did once meet a wonderful man in a taxi who talked like that. Again, so happy today! Good DAY!!
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I feel much better now! I hated the thought of you beating yourself up like that.
I love how you made an amalgam of events into one great story! (You must be a WRITER!!) xo
Comment from Mario PIERRE
OK. I ONLY WANT TO BE CONSTRUCTIVE AND I SINCERELY WANT THIS REVIEW TO SPUR YOU TO EDIT A FEW THINGS IN THERE. tHE STORY IS GOOD, THE DIALOGUE IS OK, AND THE CHARACTERS ARE WELL DEFINED HERE.
Here are the things I humbly suggest you have a look at again:
a) The suspense - or the thrill before such a momentous happening is not well captured here. I would like to see and feel the fear or apprehension of the characters.
b) In short stories, and yours ( 2150 words) is one- we usually have no time to get into many details NOT pertaining to the main event itself - so starting In Medias Res is something to consider - for example, the city is in high alert, health services/city officials are instructing the citizens what to do etc....
c) I would avoid (like the plague) using words like the N***** word. This is practically a banned word, especially in the USA.
I like the ending, it feels like the epiphany and the desired way to end such a story.
Best of luck!!!
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
reply by the author on 04-Jul-2023
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OK. I ONLY WANT TO BE CONSTRUCTIVE AND I SINCERELY WANT THIS REVIEW TO SPUR YOU TO EDIT A FEW THINGS IN THERE. tHE STORY IS GOOD, THE DIALOGUE IS OK, AND THE CHARACTERS ARE WELL DEFINED HERE.
Here are the things I humbly suggest you have a look at again:
a) The suspense - or the thrill before such a momentous happening is not well captured here. I would like to see and feel the fear or apprehension of the characters.
b) In short stories, and yours ( 2150 words) is one- we usually have no time to get into many details NOT pertaining to the main event itself - so starting In Medias Res is something to consider - for example, the city is in high alert, health services/city officials are instructing the citizens what to do etc....
c) I would avoid (like the plague) using words like the N***** word. This is practically a banned word, especially in the USA.
I like the ending, it feels like the epiphany and the desired way to end such a story.
Best of luck!!!
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 04-Jul-2023
reply by the author on 04-Jul-2023
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Thanks Mario. I agree that I could have started in medias res, and have more suspense. The whole point of the story is the horrible use of the N word, so I am kind of stuck with it. It was shocking to me too, and I did nothing as well, tho I reallly, really wanted to. Of course it's mostly fiction, but that really happened and sometimes we have to face demons to get them stopped. Thank you for your long useful review. Maybe in another incarnation I will do what you suggest minus the removal of a horribly offensive word.
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I get it. Best of luck anyway!!!
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Actually thanks. I gave it some thought and thanks to you I realized what I was missing.
Comment from Tom Horonzy
You have an interesting way of writing. I cannot tell if you are young and still learning, or wizened and like writing in a peculiar way. Whatever. The short of it is I liked what you composed herein.
reply by the author on 04-Jul-2023
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You have an interesting way of writing. I cannot tell if you are young and still learning, or wizened and like writing in a peculiar way. Whatever. The short of it is I liked what you composed herein.
Comment Written 04-Jul-2023
reply by the author on 04-Jul-2023
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Thanks. I am old and wizened.
Comment from lyenochka
Great job with your engaging story! I hope the narrator does become successful and report the bus driver. I like how you used the storm for the overall feeling of fear about the unknowns of the future and the possible loss of the hometown. Best wishes in the contest!
reply by the author on 03-Jul-2023
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Great job with your engaging story! I hope the narrator does become successful and report the bus driver. I like how you used the storm for the overall feeling of fear about the unknowns of the future and the possible loss of the hometown. Best wishes in the contest!
Comment Written 03-Jul-2023
reply by the author on 03-Jul-2023
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Thank you so much. I appreciate your kind review.
Comment from prettybluebirds
You have done a terrific job with the writing prompt. Your story is unique, and I honestly enjoyed reading it. The dialogue is perfect, as well as the descriptions. I wish you the best in the contest.
reply by the author on 03-Jul-2023
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You have done a terrific job with the writing prompt. Your story is unique, and I honestly enjoyed reading it. The dialogue is perfect, as well as the descriptions. I wish you the best in the contest.
Comment Written 03-Jul-2023
reply by the author on 03-Jul-2023
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Thank you so much for such a nice review. Some of it actually happened to me but most not.
Comment from JSD
Beautifully crafted piece, where you interweave the oncoming storm with characters, relationships, hopes, dreams and convincing dialogue. Really effective writing. Well done.
reply by the author on 03-Jul-2023
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Beautifully crafted piece, where you interweave the oncoming storm with characters, relationships, hopes, dreams and convincing dialogue. Really effective writing. Well done.
Comment Written 03-Jul-2023
reply by the author on 03-Jul-2023
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thank you so much for your kind words.
Comment from Gloria ....
Author, this is a terrific story for a storm approaches. The event unfolds by deftly introducing backstory as we learn about Eden so aptly named and the reasons for this trip.
I chuckled at the eBay purchase as it did have the right name on it.
Cicadas singing their sprinkler song was an inspired segue into the music only to end up like lost luggage stuck in Memphis.
I enjoyed this very much, and I wish you great luck with the voters. :)
Gloria
reply by the author on 02-Jul-2023
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Author, this is a terrific story for a storm approaches. The event unfolds by deftly introducing backstory as we learn about Eden so aptly named and the reasons for this trip.
I chuckled at the eBay purchase as it did have the right name on it.
Cicadas singing their sprinkler song was an inspired segue into the music only to end up like lost luggage stuck in Memphis.
I enjoyed this very much, and I wish you great luck with the voters. :)
Gloria
Comment Written 02-Jul-2023
reply by the author on 02-Jul-2023
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Thank you Gloria, I am so glad you liked it.
Comment from lancellot
This is very interesting. It has that life is a journey feel. Storms come and go, as do dreams. And in the end we're stuck in place, as life and storms pass by. Good luck in the contest.
notes:
Like lost {luggage,stuck} here in Memphis, without a dime.
-luggage, stuck
reply by the author on 02-Jul-2023
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This is very interesting. It has that life is a journey feel. Storms come and go, as do dreams. And in the end we're stuck in place, as life and storms pass by. Good luck in the contest.
notes:
Like lost {luggage,stuck} here in Memphis, without a dime.
-luggage, stuck
Comment Written 02-Jul-2023
reply by the author on 02-Jul-2023
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Thanks for seeing that mistake. I'm telling you, you go through it with a fine toothed comb and still don't catch the little buggers.
