Angels Unaware
Viewing comments for Chapter 19 "Safe Haven"A Memoir and Love Story
12 total reviews
Comment from lyenochka
That's such a horrible thing to happen to Mary. I really wish that Tom didn't have those second thoughts but I'm sure you'll tell us the rest of the story.
without her families blessing. (family's)
sealed her fat and a singular blessing all in one. (fate)
n the babies room (baby's)
reply by the author on 30-Jun-2023
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That's such a horrible thing to happen to Mary. I really wish that Tom didn't have those second thoughts but I'm sure you'll tell us the rest of the story.
without her families blessing. (family's)
sealed her fat and a singular blessing all in one. (fate)
n the babies room (baby's)
Comment Written 30-Jun-2023
reply by the author on 30-Jun-2023
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Oh thanks! I really got some fixes I need to make on this one.
Comment from Alaskastory
"Safe Haven" gives off a vivid picture of the agonizing trouble that Mary endures. It is a story with such tragic detail that is so well told.
When this statement by Tom suddenly pops in, confusion hit this reader.
"As it turned out I was the one on the line that day talking to her father, keeping her from getting through. Soon I would learn that it was a God moment of timing. I called Mary with an urge unlike any other after two years! Yet I was the reason she couldn't get through to her father. What an irony." When this happens frequently, It may be helpful to readers if his thought shows up in parenthesis -- ( ).
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"Safe Haven" gives off a vivid picture of the agonizing trouble that Mary endures. It is a story with such tragic detail that is so well told.
When this statement by Tom suddenly pops in, confusion hit this reader.
"As it turned out I was the one on the line that day talking to her father, keeping her from getting through. Soon I would learn that it was a God moment of timing. I called Mary with an urge unlike any other after two years! Yet I was the reason she couldn't get through to her father. What an irony." When this happens frequently, It may be helpful to readers if his thought shows up in parenthesis -- ( ).
Comment Written 29-Jun-2023
Comment from CrystieCookie999
This is a great read. It sure has a lot to say for the year it happened, and it sure could apply today as well.
Little fixes;
She sealed her fat
I think you mean: She sealed her fate
"Debbie, you know it's true. Before long I guarantee he's calling her on his mother's orders, just to keep Mary from calling the police too."
I think, maybe say "he'll be calling her" and I would just add a comma after police.
reply by the author on 29-Jun-2023
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This is a great read. It sure has a lot to say for the year it happened, and it sure could apply today as well.
Little fixes;
She sealed her fat
I think you mean: She sealed her fate
"Debbie, you know it's true. Before long I guarantee he's calling her on his mother's orders, just to keep Mary from calling the police too."
I think, maybe say "he'll be calling her" and I would just add a comma after police.
Comment Written 28-Jun-2023
reply by the author on 29-Jun-2023
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Thanks so much for the golden cross. I will save the other message to make those fixes. I always appreciate editing help. I relied heavily on details my wife gave over the many years to write this installment without the need for dramatic license. I'm planning on having it published in some form before our 40 year anniversary new years eve! Thanks for encouraging me to tell this very true love story.
Comment from davisr (Rhonda)
How scary was that experience?? Oh my gosh, and the timing of you calling to check on her. That's Divine Providence if I've ever seen it!!
Phill and Debbie sound like amazing people, and in a day when people were afraid to help each other out, especially women. I'm glad Mary had the opportunity to be there for Phill in the end.
On another note, I like the way you talked about the phones back then, and about how you would have to have an operator break in to a long call to get someone to call you back. I had forgotten about that!!
Thanks for sharing,
Rhonda
reply by the author on 28-Jun-2023
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How scary was that experience?? Oh my gosh, and the timing of you calling to check on her. That's Divine Providence if I've ever seen it!!
Phill and Debbie sound like amazing people, and in a day when people were afraid to help each other out, especially women. I'm glad Mary had the opportunity to be there for Phill in the end.
On another note, I like the way you talked about the phones back then, and about how you would have to have an operator break in to a long call to get someone to call you back. I had forgotten about that!!
Thanks for sharing,
Rhonda
Comment Written 28-Jun-2023
reply by the author on 28-Jun-2023
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So true. And I'm pretty confident I didn't take any dramatic license. I tell the story like it happened having learned differing details from my wife, as we will have been married 40 years this New Years eve. I plan to surprise her with this story of our life for her anniversary. Fanstory really motivates us to finish our stories doesn't it?
Comment from patcelaw
This is a well written story, and I don't blame Mary for getting out of that marriage. Any man who would decide that he would get a woman pregnant, and then sleep around with another man is not my kind of man. Patricia
reply by the author on 28-Jun-2023
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This is a well written story, and I don't blame Mary for getting out of that marriage. Any man who would decide that he would get a woman pregnant, and then sleep around with another man is not my kind of man. Patricia
Comment Written 28-Jun-2023
reply by the author on 28-Jun-2023
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Thanks so much Patricia. I always look forward to hearing from you. Blessings ahead!
Comment from Soledadpaz
What a moving story and one that happens all too frequently, unfortunately.
A few thoughts and suggestions.
Skip "there"
Lay on the sidewalk
Add: then
Drool forming and then spewing (one action follows the other)
Suggest add: had
rage had punched
(action prior to fight spilling out)
For clarity, suggest: Abandoning her.
Suggest reverse: Holding her child, Mary found her feet.
father (had) paid
Suggest: Tom who (hadn't been) ready
Suggest: had run off from home and married
Or: had run off from home to marry
Suggest: Mary (had) sealed
Perhaps: moved in with an aunt and uncle
Suggest: gotten sucked into moving
Suggest: feared having (another) seizure
Perhaps: (a) safe place for (her) baby daughter
Suggest: to (have noticed) her, nor (come) to her aid
An editor just polishes a writer's gem.
Sol
reply by the author on 28-Jun-2023
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What a moving story and one that happens all too frequently, unfortunately.
A few thoughts and suggestions.
Skip "there"
Lay on the sidewalk
Add: then
Drool forming and then spewing (one action follows the other)
Suggest add: had
rage had punched
(action prior to fight spilling out)
For clarity, suggest: Abandoning her.
Suggest reverse: Holding her child, Mary found her feet.
father (had) paid
Suggest: Tom who (hadn't been) ready
Suggest: had run off from home and married
Or: had run off from home to marry
Suggest: Mary (had) sealed
Perhaps: moved in with an aunt and uncle
Suggest: gotten sucked into moving
Suggest: feared having (another) seizure
Perhaps: (a) safe place for (her) baby daughter
Suggest: to (have noticed) her, nor (come) to her aid
An editor just polishes a writer's gem.
Sol
Comment Written 28-Jun-2023
reply by the author on 28-Jun-2023
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I hope to get it to an editor I know when I complete and surprise my wife our 40th anniversary. I always save or write notes you give me. Thanks!
Comment from JSD
Goodness, what a harrowing tale. The way you write suggests this is a true story. You take the reader along with your gripping narrative very successfully.
reply by the author on 28-Jun-2023
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Goodness, what a harrowing tale. The way you write suggests this is a true story. You take the reader along with your gripping narrative very successfully.
Comment Written 28-Jun-2023
reply by the author on 28-Jun-2023
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Yes. Thanks. I actually put in notes regarding the baby grown up and reuniting with Phil and Debbie. Just a year and half ago, Malissa held Phil's hand as he passed away in the hospital. Thanks!
Comment from Ben Colder
This happens to so many in real life. Not sure if this is true but it could be. I glad she escaped from the devil's grip that so many have yet to do. Good one, Stan.
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This happens to so many in real life. Not sure if this is true but it could be. I glad she escaped from the devil's grip that so many have yet to do. Good one, Stan.
Comment Written 28-Jun-2023
Comment from BethShelby
Mary really went through some horrible times when she married on the rebound thinking the one she loved didn't care about her. I'm anxious to hear more about what happens after she goes back home with the baby.
reply by the author on 28-Jun-2023
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Mary really went through some horrible times when she married on the rebound thinking the one she loved didn't care about her. I'm anxious to hear more about what happens after she goes back home with the baby.
Comment Written 28-Jun-2023
reply by the author on 28-Jun-2023
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Thanks so much Beth!
Comment from Debbie D'Arcy
This is a very intensely emotional read as Mary struggles in her battered state to get to a place of safety with her baby Malissa. It is well and evocatively written but with a few small edits: para staring "Too late.... - sealed her (fate); why is safe haven in capitals (unnecessary and disruptive)?; para starting "Pain shot... Ken needs a capital letter; Phil sometimes has one 'l' sometimes two; para starting "Phil answered - some confusion for me as to whom Phil is addressing in the second line because I thought it was Ken and yet you refer to 'he' But this is a well crafted story with great pace and heading I think in the right direction now with the plot:) Thanks for sharing. Debbie
reply by the author on 28-Jun-2023
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This is a very intensely emotional read as Mary struggles in her battered state to get to a place of safety with her baby Malissa. It is well and evocatively written but with a few small edits: para staring "Too late.... - sealed her (fate); why is safe haven in capitals (unnecessary and disruptive)?; para starting "Pain shot... Ken needs a capital letter; Phil sometimes has one 'l' sometimes two; para starting "Phil answered - some confusion for me as to whom Phil is addressing in the second line because I thought it was Ken and yet you refer to 'he' But this is a well crafted story with great pace and heading I think in the right direction now with the plot:) Thanks for sharing. Debbie
Comment Written 28-Jun-2023
reply by the author on 28-Jun-2023
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Yes, thanks. I thought I needed to check that place between Phil and Ken. I always appreciate this kind of help. Im going to go back and rework that paragraph for sure.
