There is a bear in there.
Australia is hot. Even bears seek a haven.19 total reviews
Comment from Jay Squires
This is a clever story, Barry. It follows the trajectory of suspense, and we don't find out until later that the bear is a Koala. It wasn't quite clear whether the bear was on Olivia's lap or not. You might what to work on that sentence. While you're at it, there are a few more things I noted:
My work in the kitchen was not disturbed but continued with the dicing of vegetables [Why not add an "I" before "continued". this finishes the sentence in the active voice]
"Daddy, Daddy, there is a bear in there" [no closing punctuation before the quote mark.]
"What a bear. Where. [Calls for a question mark in both cases.]
"Its true, come and look, its so true" [Again, no closing punctuation. I noticed this again, two lines down.]
gradually revealing its passengers. [I was going to suggest "occupant" here, but the more I look at it, the more I like "passenger".]
This is a fun romp. Very entertaining. Good luck in the contest.
Jay
reply by the author on 11-Jun-2023
  |
This is a clever story, Barry. It follows the trajectory of suspense, and we don't find out until later that the bear is a Koala. It wasn't quite clear whether the bear was on Olivia's lap or not. You might what to work on that sentence. While you're at it, there are a few more things I noted:
My work in the kitchen was not disturbed but continued with the dicing of vegetables [Why not add an "I" before "continued". this finishes the sentence in the active voice]
"Daddy, Daddy, there is a bear in there" [no closing punctuation before the quote mark.]
"What a bear. Where. [Calls for a question mark in both cases.]
"Its true, come and look, its so true" [Again, no closing punctuation. I noticed this again, two lines down.]
gradually revealing its passengers. [I was going to suggest "occupant" here, but the more I look at it, the more I like "passenger".]
This is a fun romp. Very entertaining. Good luck in the contest.
Jay
Comment Written 10-Jun-2023
reply by the author on 11-Jun-2023
-
Jay,
Thanks so much for taking the time to review my story. Glad you liked it and also thanks for the tips as to improvement. The story ran in second. Have a great day and take care.
Regards
Barry Penfold.
Comment from Tom Horonzy
First, was "The" in the title suppose to be separated "Door Slam?" It is on my device.
Secondly, are Koalas truly bears? In fact, what makes a bear a bear?
Third, unsure where you are Down Under, the further South on lives would certain get stiffer Antarctic breezes, right?
Fourth - I could be confused that land being upside down why South isn't North for you all! ð???
reply by the author on 11-Jun-2023
|
First, was "The" in the title suppose to be separated "Door Slam?" It is on my device.
Secondly, are Koalas truly bears? In fact, what makes a bear a bear?
Third, unsure where you are Down Under, the further South on lives would certain get stiffer Antarctic breezes, right?
Fourth - I could be confused that land being upside down why South isn't North for you all! ð???
Comment Written 10-Jun-2023
reply by the author on 11-Jun-2023
-
Tom,
Thanks for making the time to review my story. Koalas are not truly bears. They are marsupials. The breezes down south of Sydney often blow from the Artic Region. Pretty cold and can often cause Storms. Have a good day and take care.
Regards
Barry Penfold.
Comment from Jannypan (Jan)
Your story was interesting and fun to read,
Barry. I was engaged from start to finish. Your
words were descriptive in a way I could see
everything as I read. The ending was perfect
for the dad who didn't believe there was a bear
in there.
Thanks for sharing, Jan
reply by the author on 11-Jun-2023
|
Your story was interesting and fun to read,
Barry. I was engaged from start to finish. Your
words were descriptive in a way I could see
everything as I read. The ending was perfect
for the dad who didn't believe there was a bear
in there.
Thanks for sharing, Jan
Comment Written 10-Jun-2023
reply by the author on 11-Jun-2023
-
Jan,
Thanks for taking time to review my story. Glad you enjoyed it. It came in second and I am pretty pleased with that result. Take care and have a good day.
Barry Penfold
Comment from Debbie Pope
I wish I had a six star rating for this piece. You are an exceptional writer. Very creative with your plot here. Your rhyming title drew me in. Then I read your rhyming last line. That's when I decided that I had found another writer that I like.
Your line what a bear needs different punctuation. I would not change a word though.
reply by the author on 11-Jun-2023
|
I wish I had a six star rating for this piece. You are an exceptional writer. Very creative with your plot here. Your rhyming title drew me in. Then I read your rhyming last line. That's when I decided that I had found another writer that I like.
Your line what a bear needs different punctuation. I would not change a word though.
Comment Written 10-Jun-2023
reply by the author on 11-Jun-2023
-
Debbie,
Thanks so much for your kind words. Thanks for your tip on the punctuation.Take care and have a great day.
Cheers
Barry Penfold
Comment from Debbie D'Arcy
A great story for once not about something creepy from this prompt or, at least, not too creepy! The prose reads well with good pace and detail aided by dialogue - that usual, rather dismissive relationship with a rather dramatic daughter. The conclusion is satisfying and evocative ("passengers" on the chair made me smile). Thanks for sharing and good luck! Debbie
reply by the author on 11-Jun-2023
|
A great story for once not about something creepy from this prompt or, at least, not too creepy! The prose reads well with good pace and detail aided by dialogue - that usual, rather dismissive relationship with a rather dramatic daughter. The conclusion is satisfying and evocative ("passengers" on the chair made me smile). Thanks for sharing and good luck! Debbie
Comment Written 10-Jun-2023
reply by the author on 11-Jun-2023
-
Debbie,
Thanks for taking the time to read my story.Glad you enjoyed it. It ran in second so I was pretty happy with that. Take care and have a great day.
Cheers
Barry Penfold
-
Congrats on that second place win, Barry! Well deserved.
Comment from LJbutterfly
As a big city girl, a koala bear would have owned the room had it been in my house. I don't know if koalas are tame enough to lift and return to the outside. You did a great job describing the mystery of the foot steps and the study chair slowly turning around to reveal a bear. Your story included authentic dialogue and adequate imagery. Best wishes in the contest.
reply by the author on 11-Jun-2023
|
As a big city girl, a koala bear would have owned the room had it been in my house. I don't know if koalas are tame enough to lift and return to the outside. You did a great job describing the mystery of the foot steps and the study chair slowly turning around to reveal a bear. Your story included authentic dialogue and adequate imagery. Best wishes in the contest.
Comment Written 10-Jun-2023
reply by the author on 11-Jun-2023
-
Thanks for your taking the time to review my story. I am so glad you enjoyed it. Please take care and have a great day.
Regards
Barry Penfold.
Comment from Jim Wile
Fortunately it was a koala bear, not a snake or some other undesirable that made its way in. This was a cute, well written story about your encounter with "a bear." Just the thing to liven up a sleepy summer day. Nice job. Jim
reply by the author on 11-Jun-2023
|
Fortunately it was a koala bear, not a snake or some other undesirable that made its way in. This was a cute, well written story about your encounter with "a bear." Just the thing to liven up a sleepy summer day. Nice job. Jim
Comment Written 10-Jun-2023
reply by the author on 11-Jun-2023
-
Jim,
Thanks for taking the time to read and review my story entry. Glad you enjoyed it . As you are probably aware a koala bear is not truly a bear but has been tagged with the name for a couple of hundred years. Anyway have a great day and take care.
Regards
Barry Penfold.
Comment from evilynne
Cute story. It is quite well written. I love koala bears. The picture is cute, toot and your author's notes are informative. Best of luck in the contest! Evi
reply by the author on 11-Jun-2023
|
Cute story. It is quite well written. I love koala bears. The picture is cute, toot and your author's notes are informative. Best of luck in the contest! Evi
Comment Written 10-Jun-2023
reply by the author on 11-Jun-2023
-
Evi,
Thanks for taking the time to read and review my story. Glad you enjoyed it. It came in second overall. Take care and have a great day.
Regards
Barry Penfold.
-
Congrats on the second place win! Evi
Comment from Sanku
What an interesting surprise .I have read many entries to this contest and I liked this best .Hope the gatecrasher guest went out quietly .'Olivia too had a new found friend' this means he stayed?
reply by the author on 11-Jun-2023
|
What an interesting surprise .I have read many entries to this contest and I liked this best .Hope the gatecrasher guest went out quietly .'Olivia too had a new found friend' this means he stayed?
Comment Written 10-Jun-2023
reply by the author on 11-Jun-2023
-
Thanks so much for taking the time to read and review my story. Glad you enjoyed it. The story came in second in the contest.
Take care and have a wonderful day.
Regards
Barry Penfold.
Comment from tempeste
Ciao member, you now have 4 votes.
I enjoyed your story. Koalas look so cute, not sure if they bite if you try to touch them though.
I can understand leaving the doors open to allow the air to circulate but I read that there are many poisonous snakes and other creepy crawlers in Australia.
Our local baker to close the Summer season, offers a barbecue but he produces so much smoke ... not sure if that's how it should be done seeing I have never made one.
reply by the author on 11-Jun-2023
|
Ciao member, you now have 4 votes.
I enjoyed your story. Koalas look so cute, not sure if they bite if you try to touch them though.
I can understand leaving the doors open to allow the air to circulate but I read that there are many poisonous snakes and other creepy crawlers in Australia.
Our local baker to close the Summer season, offers a barbecue but he produces so much smoke ... not sure if that's how it should be done seeing I have never made one.
Comment Written 10-Jun-2023
reply by the author on 11-Jun-2023
-
Thanks so much for taking the time to read and review my story. Koalas can scratch but most of the time a gentle with people. The snakes and creepy crawlies generally stay away but now and then can invade a home. As to a BBQ you should try. Smoke is a common factor but the resulting taste can be great.
Thanks for the vote and review. The story ran in second in the contest.
Take care
Barry Penfold.
-
Thank you for the extra tidbits, I think Australia has a very unique fauna.
Glad to hear that you won the blue ribbon !
Keep safe!
