Welcome To Cloud Nine
This is fiction, but not so far-fetched!26 total reviews
Comment from Katherine M. (k-11)
It is obvious to me why you won the contest with this well crafted flash, you are a very skilled writer. You balanced perfectly description, action and emotion, rare in a flash. Congratulations on your win. I particularly liked the fact that the twist in the tale actually came just before the end, when despite all warnings Clara wanted to change her mind and her destiny. But of course the actual end, the explanation of events, precluded that. A very refreshing format. kay
reply by the author on 11-Jun-2023
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It is obvious to me why you won the contest with this well crafted flash, you are a very skilled writer. You balanced perfectly description, action and emotion, rare in a flash. Congratulations on your win. I particularly liked the fact that the twist in the tale actually came just before the end, when despite all warnings Clara wanted to change her mind and her destiny. But of course the actual end, the explanation of events, precluded that. A very refreshing format. kay
Comment Written 11-Jun-2023
reply by the author on 11-Jun-2023
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Hello Kay,
Your review and shower of stars humble me, and you won't know how this motivates and pumps me up to do better.
Thank you so much!!!
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Oh, j'imagine, j'imagine très bien! kay
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Elle parle francais, c'est merveilleux!!!
Bonne journée Kay!!!
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Elle parle francais, c'est merveilleux!!!
Bonne journée Kay!!!
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Elle parle francais, c'est merveilleux!!!
Bonne journée Kay!!!
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J'habite en France depuis presque quarante cinq ans! mais impossible de lire franÁais pour le plaisir, et je n'ai écris que quelques nouvelles dans cette langue plein de pièges. kay
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Je comprends. Je suis de l'ile Maurice, établi au Canada depuis 22 ans avec ma famille. Je suis bilingue, mais j'écris surtout en francais.
Comment from Ric Myworld
Congratulations on your contest winning story. This certainly put me to thinking even more than I already do about the continually depressed and our country's lack of efficient care. Thanks for sharing.
reply by the author on 11-Jun-2023
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Congratulations on your contest winning story. This certainly put me to thinking even more than I already do about the continually depressed and our country's lack of efficient care. Thanks for sharing.
Comment Written 11-Jun-2023
reply by the author on 11-Jun-2023
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Hey Ric.
Thanks so much for your review!! Really appreciate it!!
Comment from Tom Horonzy
Wow. Imaginative for sure. Gleeful and depressing rolled into a tiny chocolate Tootsie-Roll miniature. I eat them at Planet Fitness. I like the story and yet can't decide if I could leave what I have behind, though it is inevitable.
reply by the author on 11-Jun-2023
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Wow. Imaginative for sure. Gleeful and depressing rolled into a tiny chocolate Tootsie-Roll miniature. I eat them at Planet Fitness. I like the story and yet can't decide if I could leave what I have behind, though it is inevitable.
Comment Written 11-Jun-2023
reply by the author on 11-Jun-2023
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Hello Tom,
I love the allusion of the tootsie-roll!!!
Thank you so much for reviewing this and for your generous stars!!!
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bonne journée
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A toi aussi, Tom!!!
Comment from giraffmang
Hi there,
There's a strong voice to the piece and a nice rhythm to the writing. I can see why this won the competition.
I made some notes as I read through.
Watch out for your adverb usage. They should be used sparingly as they are indicative of telling over showing and can expose a weakness in the verb choice. here, for example, there's 3 in 1 sentence - She walked cautiously down the dimly lit hallway when suddenly it went pitch black.
And as if by magic, - should probably have a comma after and.
In the opening paragraph, I'd have the other voice on a separate paragraph. In this one you have Clara's thoughts, words, Swift's song and the other voice all rolled together with Clara's narrative. It's too much.
Clara slowly strolled along- you don't need the adverb here. Strolled is strong enough to suggest the speed. Choose the verbs carefully to negate the need for adverbs.
to explode any time. It's --."- you're using the dash here which signifies her being cut off. As such, you don't need the period following it.
They are useless! 70 young people like me take their lives each day in this country. We claim to have the most advanced healthcare system in the world, and yet, people are still sinking deep into depression- this doesn't feel organic within the story. It's too well-informed and feels unnatural in context. I get it's there to make a point but it feels forced.
You open a quote at the beginning of the business card section which isn't closed off.
All the best
GMG
reply by the author on 11-Jun-2023
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Hi there,
There's a strong voice to the piece and a nice rhythm to the writing. I can see why this won the competition.
I made some notes as I read through.
Watch out for your adverb usage. They should be used sparingly as they are indicative of telling over showing and can expose a weakness in the verb choice. here, for example, there's 3 in 1 sentence - She walked cautiously down the dimly lit hallway when suddenly it went pitch black.
And as if by magic, - should probably have a comma after and.
In the opening paragraph, I'd have the other voice on a separate paragraph. In this one you have Clara's thoughts, words, Swift's song and the other voice all rolled together with Clara's narrative. It's too much.
Clara slowly strolled along- you don't need the adverb here. Strolled is strong enough to suggest the speed. Choose the verbs carefully to negate the need for adverbs.
to explode any time. It's --."- you're using the dash here which signifies her being cut off. As such, you don't need the period following it.
They are useless! 70 young people like me take their lives each day in this country. We claim to have the most advanced healthcare system in the world, and yet, people are still sinking deep into depression- this doesn't feel organic within the story. It's too well-informed and feels unnatural in context. I get it's there to make a point but it feels forced.
You open a quote at the beginning of the business card section which isn't closed off.
All the best
GMG
Comment Written 11-Jun-2023
reply by the author on 11-Jun-2023
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Hey Gretchen,
Thanks so much for taking so much time and energy to review my story. I do agree with most of what you say. And about the part ' 70 young...etc.', I knew there was something not fluid about it, but I didn't get to think about it again. I am going to edit and rework the story.
Thank you again!!
Comment from Loretta Bigg
Wow. So much to like about this story. The fact that the "helpers" introduce themselves, that they give the "victim" a second chance to change her mind, That she found this card on her windshield which suddenly makes suicide so easy? And no possibility to back out once the magic potion is drunk?
I think the only part I would change is the paragraph that starts "They are useless." It doesn't seem to be in character for this "victim." It makes it feel like she is considering suicide "just to show the authorities." If that's what you mean, all right, but otherwise I would point out more her actual reasons for ending it all, not explain that the system isn't working.
But otherwise, an eye-opener, and nicely done.
reply by the author on 10-Jun-2023
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Wow. So much to like about this story. The fact that the "helpers" introduce themselves, that they give the "victim" a second chance to change her mind, That she found this card on her windshield which suddenly makes suicide so easy? And no possibility to back out once the magic potion is drunk?
I think the only part I would change is the paragraph that starts "They are useless." It doesn't seem to be in character for this "victim." It makes it feel like she is considering suicide "just to show the authorities." If that's what you mean, all right, but otherwise I would point out more her actual reasons for ending it all, not explain that the system isn't working.
But otherwise, an eye-opener, and nicely done.
Comment Written 10-Jun-2023
reply by the author on 10-Jun-2023
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You know what, Loretta? I have read that sentence quite a few times and have frowned, not really knowing what was wrong. You so rightfully pointed it out to me. Thank you so much!!! I will make sure this is changed tomorrow. You are very observant and smart.
Thank you. I don't have a nomination possibility but I have noted down your review for next time. And I will be happy to read some of your work...
Mario
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Thank you Mario! Keep up the good writing.
Comment from Jannypan (Jan)
You did a great job with this story. Congratulations
on your win, Mario. I was engaged from start to
finish. I had no idea it would end as it did. However,
the note from the car window said it all. What a scary
place that would be. You did a great job setting up
the details. It all flowed smoothly and created great
imagery.
Thanks for sharing, Jan
reply by the author on 10-Jun-2023
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You did a great job with this story. Congratulations
on your win, Mario. I was engaged from start to
finish. I had no idea it would end as it did. However,
the note from the car window said it all. What a scary
place that would be. You did a great job setting up
the details. It all flowed smoothly and created great
imagery.
Thanks for sharing, Jan
Comment Written 10-Jun-2023
reply by the author on 10-Jun-2023
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Hello Jan,
Thank you so much for your wishes and the stars. And the reason I am still on FS is because of encouraging reviews like yours. I really appreciate your time to read my post.
Thank you from the bottom of my ❤️
Comment from Debbie D'Arcy
Oh dear! That's very bleak! Your story at first gave no hint of what was to come but then it evolved into a very troubled and poignant expression of depression and how the country was failing to address this very prevalent issue. In the end we see that the door in the beginning has actually led to this 'end of life' clinic. With opportunities along the way, skilfully introduced but rejected, Clara has reached the point of no return. Your story illuminates the natural ambivalence and extreme despair one would feel at this tragic point in their life. A very good contender for this contest. Good luck! Debbie
reply by the author on 10-Jun-2023
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Oh dear! That's very bleak! Your story at first gave no hint of what was to come but then it evolved into a very troubled and poignant expression of depression and how the country was failing to address this very prevalent issue. In the end we see that the door in the beginning has actually led to this 'end of life' clinic. With opportunities along the way, skilfully introduced but rejected, Clara has reached the point of no return. Your story illuminates the natural ambivalence and extreme despair one would feel at this tragic point in their life. A very good contender for this contest. Good luck! Debbie
Comment Written 10-Jun-2023
reply by the author on 10-Jun-2023
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Hello Debbie,
I thank you from the bottom of my heart for the in-depth review and for your encouraging words. Really!!!
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You're welcome, Mario.
Comment from Jim Wile
This was a good, well written story, and very believable. You painted a great picture of a mixed-up young girl who is making an irrevocable, hasty decision before she has lived long enough to have learned how to deal with the experience of depression.
This reminds me of many young people today, especially children, who are opting to change their sex, urged on by others for unknown reasons, and not having the maturity or life experience to know whether or not it will help make them happier. Hopefully, this is only a fad because for many, it may do much more harm than good in the long run. Jim
reply by the author on 10-Jun-2023
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This was a good, well written story, and very believable. You painted a great picture of a mixed-up young girl who is making an irrevocable, hasty decision before she has lived long enough to have learned how to deal with the experience of depression.
This reminds me of many young people today, especially children, who are opting to change their sex, urged on by others for unknown reasons, and not having the maturity or life experience to know whether or not it will help make them happier. Hopefully, this is only a fad because for many, it may do much more harm than good in the long run. Jim
Comment Written 10-Jun-2023
reply by the author on 10-Jun-2023
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Exactly, Jim...! I wanted to insert notes talking about what you wisely said here... there's no more taboo, nothing is sacred. One can change their identity on a whim, and parents are powerless before all this...
Are you in the contest?
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No, I'm not.
Comment from evilynne
OMG, that's terrifying. A suicide service? Very imaginative. It is well written; the end got me by total surprise. I am sorry that I have no sixers left. Best of luck in the contest! Evi
reply by the author on 10-Jun-2023
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OMG, that's terrifying. A suicide service? Very imaginative. It is well written; the end got me by total surprise. I am sorry that I have no sixers left. Best of luck in the contest! Evi
Comment Written 10-Jun-2023
reply by the author on 10-Jun-2023
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Thanks so much for your review!!!
Hello Evi,
Thank you for the awesome intention. I humbly ask you to read all the stories in the contest, some are stunning, and please vote for whatever your heart dictates. I am not soliciting your vote, but I love the stories in there and the score is so so tight.
Thank you again!!!
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I will certainly try to read all entries. Evi
Comment from Dolly'sPoems
This is horrific and as you say it is not beyond the realms of possibility. Some attempt suicide and succeed when they really are crying for help and do not intend to kill themselves but it you dice with death, you lose, a poignant write, love Dolly x
reply by the author on 10-Jun-2023
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This is horrific and as you say it is not beyond the realms of possibility. Some attempt suicide and succeed when they really are crying for help and do not intend to kill themselves but it you dice with death, you lose, a poignant write, love Dolly x
Comment Written 10-Jun-2023
reply by the author on 10-Jun-2023
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Hello Dolly,
As usual, you dissect and analyse to the core.
Thank you so much !!!
