The Lioness of Shadi
Viewing comments for Chapter 22 "Words in the Wood"A fantasy adventure out of antiquity
2 total reviews
Comment from Shirley McLain
Excellent chapter, and I enjoyed the read as always. I look forward to each continuation of this story. I hope you have a blessed Wednesday. Take care, Shirley
reply by the author on 30-May-2023
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Excellent chapter, and I enjoyed the read as always. I look forward to each continuation of this story. I hope you have a blessed Wednesday. Take care, Shirley
Comment Written 24-May-2023
reply by the author on 30-May-2023
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Thank you so much for reading and reviewing. I really appreciate it and I apologize for the delay in response. I hope you have a wonderful week.
Comment from Faith Williams
So happy to read more of this story. While this chapter adds much, the story is still so good without it!
Suggestions to consider:
'They could not ride through the Kharsaanu Saquutu on the path (that) Eigou had chosen... ' Delete 'that'.
'It slowed their progress considerably, (but the boughs above were densely packed enough that the undergrowth was relatively manageable).' I think the second part of this sentence is a little awkward. Since you already explained about the low-hanging branches in the first sentence, maybe you could delete the part about the boughs?
'A hush lingered around them, (even the clopping of hooves softened by the thick layer of loam and needles underfoot). The perfume of cedar filled their senses, sweet and clean. Breezes rustled in the branches high above as a gentle susurrus of needles and soft birdsong still filtered down alongside the patches of sun sculpted by the branches. The peace of the place soothed some of Ilati's fears like Eigou's healing balms.'
I think the second half of the first sentence is a little awkward. Maybe switch it around? 'A hush lingered around them, the thick layer of loam and needles underfoot softened the clopping of hooves.' Overall, this paragraph is such a wonderful description. A walk through the senses. Such a lovely read.
'Ilati glanced (over) at Menes, who shrugged and relaxed.' I suggest deleting 'over'.
'She doubted Kulziya would be so confident if he knew (that) the eastern armies were likely already bearing west... ' Delete 'that'.
As always, I merely offer suggestions. You are free to do with them what you want.
I do look forward to reading more of this story!
reply by the author on 30-May-2023
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So happy to read more of this story. While this chapter adds much, the story is still so good without it!
Suggestions to consider:
'They could not ride through the Kharsaanu Saquutu on the path (that) Eigou had chosen... ' Delete 'that'.
'It slowed their progress considerably, (but the boughs above were densely packed enough that the undergrowth was relatively manageable).' I think the second part of this sentence is a little awkward. Since you already explained about the low-hanging branches in the first sentence, maybe you could delete the part about the boughs?
'A hush lingered around them, (even the clopping of hooves softened by the thick layer of loam and needles underfoot). The perfume of cedar filled their senses, sweet and clean. Breezes rustled in the branches high above as a gentle susurrus of needles and soft birdsong still filtered down alongside the patches of sun sculpted by the branches. The peace of the place soothed some of Ilati's fears like Eigou's healing balms.'
I think the second half of the first sentence is a little awkward. Maybe switch it around? 'A hush lingered around them, the thick layer of loam and needles underfoot softened the clopping of hooves.' Overall, this paragraph is such a wonderful description. A walk through the senses. Such a lovely read.
'Ilati glanced (over) at Menes, who shrugged and relaxed.' I suggest deleting 'over'.
'She doubted Kulziya would be so confident if he knew (that) the eastern armies were likely already bearing west... ' Delete 'that'.
As always, I merely offer suggestions. You are free to do with them what you want.
I do look forward to reading more of this story!
Comment Written 22-May-2023
reply by the author on 30-May-2023
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Thank you so much for reading and reviewing. I really appreciate it and I apologize for the delay in response. I will definitely take all suggestions into consideration. I hope you have a wonderful week.
