Angels Unaware
Viewing comments for Chapter 13 "Free Air"A Memoir and Love Story
8 total reviews
Comment from Soledadpaz
This is an incredible and amazing story. It tugs at your soul.
Some thoughts and suggestions.
Sol
PS- I numbered the paragraphs for easier reference, but I might have lost track!
1) Suggest: The curtainless windows made the Texas sun hard to avoid. It (bore) through my eyelids (bringing) me back to the reality of living in a locked ward (every morning.) With each passing day, I (became more and more of) a slug, stuck in a dorm-like atmosphere where (the) other crazies had access (to me.)
Using 'was' usually turns the sentence passive.
No comma after 'life'
Italicize movie titles
The next sentence is unclear: how did the blinging daybreak save you?
3) With (a) cocktail
Great paragraph.
4) Honestly(,)
television(,)
(from?) my barracks
7) Suggest: my (medicated haze)
(mile-long) stare
8) whim(,)
door (no comma)
9) suggest: (pondered) my freedom
14) months(,)
15) Suggest: The way I was raised (made it difficult for me to accept and hold on) to love, which further tested whether we would see each other again.
16) took (me) and deposited me (in) the mental wing . . .
18) bow of his office?
19) didn't think it possible. Delete the extra 'not'
23) Suggest: (It seemed) he understood
He knew (I) had some sort of break.
crossroad(s) in my life
24) I was lost, delete the extra 'a'
26) I (had) failed to make it in the military like he (had.)
28) Suggest: There (came) a day when the rose died, but our (love survived.)
reply by the author on 26-Apr-2023
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This is an incredible and amazing story. It tugs at your soul.
Some thoughts and suggestions.
Sol
PS- I numbered the paragraphs for easier reference, but I might have lost track!
1) Suggest: The curtainless windows made the Texas sun hard to avoid. It (bore) through my eyelids (bringing) me back to the reality of living in a locked ward (every morning.) With each passing day, I (became more and more of) a slug, stuck in a dorm-like atmosphere where (the) other crazies had access (to me.)
Using 'was' usually turns the sentence passive.
No comma after 'life'
Italicize movie titles
The next sentence is unclear: how did the blinging daybreak save you?
3) With (a) cocktail
Great paragraph.
4) Honestly(,)
television(,)
(from?) my barracks
7) Suggest: my (medicated haze)
(mile-long) stare
8) whim(,)
door (no comma)
9) suggest: (pondered) my freedom
14) months(,)
15) Suggest: The way I was raised (made it difficult for me to accept and hold on) to love, which further tested whether we would see each other again.
16) took (me) and deposited me (in) the mental wing . . .
18) bow of his office?
19) didn't think it possible. Delete the extra 'not'
23) Suggest: (It seemed) he understood
He knew (I) had some sort of break.
crossroad(s) in my life
24) I was lost, delete the extra 'a'
26) I (had) failed to make it in the military like he (had.)
28) Suggest: There (came) a day when the rose died, but our (love survived.)
Comment Written 25-Apr-2023
reply by the author on 26-Apr-2023
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Thanks so much for showing your appreciation for the content and I do appreciate any and all editing help. Yours was extensive. I'm saving the message and the stars you sent, so I can go down this list and make changes. Thanks for the golden cross for content! You encourage me to see it through.
Comment from royowen
How fascinating, I don't think anyone is truly "normal" whatever that means, I think the title belongs to someone who can "conform", in the most trying of conditions, I conform, but it's only a case of discretion, as they say, is the better part of valour, I've been able to release the brakes a little as a writer, but even in that to stick to compassion. After all Jesus was incredibly wise, leaving it to His Father to run his day, I'm learning. Thanks for bravely sharing, well done, blessings Roy
Typo : With a cocktail of drugs.... 2 : The(y) doctors insisted...
reply by the author on 25-Apr-2023
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How fascinating, I don't think anyone is truly "normal" whatever that means, I think the title belongs to someone who can "conform", in the most trying of conditions, I conform, but it's only a case of discretion, as they say, is the better part of valour, I've been able to release the brakes a little as a writer, but even in that to stick to compassion. After all Jesus was incredibly wise, leaving it to His Father to run his day, I'm learning. Thanks for bravely sharing, well done, blessings Roy
Typo : With a cocktail of drugs.... 2 : The(y) doctors insisted...
Comment Written 24-Apr-2023
reply by the author on 25-Apr-2023
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Thanks Roy!
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Welcome
Comment from BethShelby
What a nightmare you lived through. God sent many angels to help you and if you were able to get off your medication with no need for it again, I would think you were misdiagnosed. But since you son had problems too it might point to heridity. If the diagnosis wasn't wrong then apparently God healed you. I'm enjoying the story.
reply by the author on 25-Apr-2023
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What a nightmare you lived through. God sent many angels to help you and if you were able to get off your medication with no need for it again, I would think you were misdiagnosed. But since you son had problems too it might point to heridity. If the diagnosis wasn't wrong then apparently God healed you. I'm enjoying the story.
Comment Written 24-Apr-2023
reply by the author on 25-Apr-2023
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Thanks so much Beth. Really appreciate it.
Comment from patcelaw
I listen to your story all the way through on his tractor. My hearti goes out to you. Mental illness is not something that is easy to overcome and it's also not something that others except very well and today's society. I am bipolar, and when I went through the throes of going into a psychotic disorders, it was my pastor of my church, who stood beside me when everyone else seem to give up on me. It is because of that pastor that I today I am able to write the poetry and stories that are right because he encouraged me to do just that. I do wish you the very best I do wish you the very best in all of your writing. I also wish you the very best with your family and for the son that has symptoms similar to what yours were. May God richly bless you and keep you in his arms and keep you in his care. Patricia.
reply by the author on 21-May-2023
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I listen to your story all the way through on his tractor. My hearti goes out to you. Mental illness is not something that is easy to overcome and it's also not something that others except very well and today's society. I am bipolar, and when I went through the throes of going into a psychotic disorders, it was my pastor of my church, who stood beside me when everyone else seem to give up on me. It is because of that pastor that I today I am able to write the poetry and stories that are right because he encouraged me to do just that. I do wish you the very best I do wish you the very best in all of your writing. I also wish you the very best with your family and for the son that has symptoms similar to what yours were. May God richly bless you and keep you in his arms and keep you in his care. Patricia.
Comment Written 24-Apr-2023
reply by the author on 21-May-2023
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Thanks again for this Pat. I read also carefully the latest comments and appreciate your faith through the trials of your early life. I'm glad we have a kindred spirit and friendship. Blessings!
Comment from Shirley McLain
I wish I had another six for your story. I would say you had many miracles in your life, and the fact you can now write about it is just one. Thank you for sharing. By the way, I like the picture. Have a wonderful day. Shirley
reply by the author on 25-Apr-2023
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I wish I had another six for your story. I would say you had many miracles in your life, and the fact you can now write about it is just one. Thank you for sharing. By the way, I like the picture. Have a wonderful day. Shirley
Comment Written 24-Apr-2023
reply by the author on 25-Apr-2023
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Thanks so much Shirley
Comment from CrystieCookie999
Content here merits six stars. I liked reading it. I know my great-uncle with schizophrenia was institutionalized the rest of his life, so how wonderful that you were able to overcome the worst of it. I am not even sure what my great-uncle had to go through on a daily basis. Mental illness is such a huge challenge. The multiple personality disorder may have another aspect to it that my religious background might or might not help explain.
Someone else pointed out a few little places to fix:
I told them that all you wanted to do was breath some fresh air."
change breath to breathe
reply by the author on 21-May-2023
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Content here merits six stars. I liked reading it. I know my great-uncle with schizophrenia was institutionalized the rest of his life, so how wonderful that you were able to overcome the worst of it. I am not even sure what my great-uncle had to go through on a daily basis. Mental illness is such a huge challenge. The multiple personality disorder may have another aspect to it that my religious background might or might not help explain.
Someone else pointed out a few little places to fix:
I told them that all you wanted to do was breath some fresh air."
change breath to breathe
Comment Written 24-Apr-2023
reply by the author on 21-May-2023
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Not sure if I commented from before, but appreciate your consistency to stick with my writing and reviewing it. I will do a better job in the future being reciprocal to read your work.
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That's ok. I am kind of hit and miss right now due to finishing up the school year as a substitute teacher and feeling distracted about how fast to start applying for a new job.
Comment from lyenochka
What a harrowing experience! But like you said, God sent you those angels at the right time. And I loved how you likened the rose that you gave to your first love to the Rose of Sharon Who did die but rose again. It sounds you found another love later. I'm so sad to hear about your son.
You might have already fixed these:
all you wanted to do was breath some fresh air." (breathe)
"Yes" ("Yes.")
They doctors insisted (The)
reply by the author on 25-Apr-2023
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What a harrowing experience! But like you said, God sent you those angels at the right time. And I loved how you likened the rose that you gave to your first love to the Rose of Sharon Who did die but rose again. It sounds you found another love later. I'm so sad to hear about your son.
You might have already fixed these:
all you wanted to do was breath some fresh air." (breathe)
"Yes" ("Yes.")
They doctors insisted (The)
Comment Written 23-Apr-2023
reply by the author on 25-Apr-2023
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Thanks for your review and the help is always appreciated.
Comment from Ben Colder
I gave my Mary a rose for every year we were married. She remarked, they are so beautiful to just watch them die. 57 years later she went5 home to be with the Lord. You did good with this write. I knew a guy that fits this story in Army basic.
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I gave my Mary a rose for every year we were married. She remarked, they are so beautiful to just watch them die. 57 years later she went5 home to be with the Lord. You did good with this write. I knew a guy that fits this story in Army basic.
Comment Written 23-Apr-2023