The Girl Who Wasn't Cinderella
a girl who didn't have a fairy godmother5 total reviews
Comment from dragonpoet
Hi Aiona,
This is a wonderful retelling of the end of the Cinderella story. I guess the third time was the charm for both the Prince and Samuel. They both got a girl to love. I do think Samuel and Anna did marry.
Congrats on winning the contest,
Keep writing and stay healthy
Have a great rest of the weekend.
Joan
reply by the author on 20-May-2023
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Hi Aiona,
This is a wonderful retelling of the end of the Cinderella story. I guess the third time was the charm for both the Prince and Samuel. They both got a girl to love. I do think Samuel and Anna did marry.
Congrats on winning the contest,
Keep writing and stay healthy
Have a great rest of the weekend.
Joan
Comment Written 20-May-2023
reply by the author on 20-May-2023
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Thank you for your review, Joan. I like to think they got married too. And lived happily ever after.
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My pleasure, Aiona.
Joan
Comment from Contests
reply by the author on 20-May-2023
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 A contest winning entry! A seven star rating from the Contest Committee for posting the winning contest entry. |
Comment Written 19-May-2023
reply by the author on 20-May-2023
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Much appreciated, Contest Committee.
Comment from lancellot
Samuel {had} hopped over the gate, and that might have intimidated Anna.
-"Oh? That's too bad, miss." Samuel hopped over the gate. (The 'had; distorts the sense of time.)
-Start new paragraph-
That might have intimidated Anna. However, she just felt too tired to be frightened of this stranger
-start new paragraph-
"I had a lovely time myself. You would have enjoyed it, had you been able to go, that is. Perhaps tonight then?"
(Do not mix different speakers and actors in the same paragraph)
"If you think you can't, just call me -- Samuel Longhorn -- and I'll give you a hand.
- what? how?
It sounds kinda boring, huh?
- Unfortunately... yes. Though you won't hear this. It is kinda boring. Anna is super nice (perfect), and Samuel is super nice (perfect). From the moment they met, the story was known and over really. Also, this is very high on telling. But, you do try to tell a new story in the Cinderella universe. That's good. And you can weave a complete tale. You just need to work on your paragraphs and add spice (not needed for the senior FanStory audience, but outside of FS... yes..)
reply by the author on 19-Apr-2023
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Samuel {had} hopped over the gate, and that might have intimidated Anna.
-"Oh? That's too bad, miss." Samuel hopped over the gate. (The 'had; distorts the sense of time.)
-Start new paragraph-
That might have intimidated Anna. However, she just felt too tired to be frightened of this stranger
-start new paragraph-
"I had a lovely time myself. You would have enjoyed it, had you been able to go, that is. Perhaps tonight then?"
(Do not mix different speakers and actors in the same paragraph)
"If you think you can't, just call me -- Samuel Longhorn -- and I'll give you a hand.
- what? how?
It sounds kinda boring, huh?
- Unfortunately... yes. Though you won't hear this. It is kinda boring. Anna is super nice (perfect), and Samuel is super nice (perfect). From the moment they met, the story was known and over really. Also, this is very high on telling. But, you do try to tell a new story in the Cinderella universe. That's good. And you can weave a complete tale. You just need to work on your paragraphs and add spice (not needed for the senior FanStory audience, but outside of FS... yes..)
Comment Written 18-Apr-2023
reply by the author on 19-Apr-2023
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LOL! Thanks for the review, lancellot. I appreciate the five stars, but it sounds like I didn't really deserve them, am I right? It's okay. I don't really come here for the stars. I really appreciate your critiques more than the ratings. Yeah, I didn't like how that paragraph of Samuel's dialogue read, either. I will fix it.
Comment from Jay Squires
Oh, Aiona, this was easily the best thing I've read of yours. I loved its tone from the beginning and continued throughout to be charmed by one turn of phrase or another. It reads, indeed, like a fairytale, and yet it ended with neither a happy, nor a sad ending ... though it was wholly satisfying knowing that there were a number of possible endings and that one or the other might be used ... but the overarching moral was that life is as you make it ... as long as your life is filled with love.
Beautifully done, Aiona, and I would be criminal not to give it my last 6. You deserve it. ... Oh and the prize as well for the contest.
Jay
reply by the author on 19-Apr-2023
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Oh, Aiona, this was easily the best thing I've read of yours. I loved its tone from the beginning and continued throughout to be charmed by one turn of phrase or another. It reads, indeed, like a fairytale, and yet it ended with neither a happy, nor a sad ending ... though it was wholly satisfying knowing that there were a number of possible endings and that one or the other might be used ... but the overarching moral was that life is as you make it ... as long as your life is filled with love.
Beautifully done, Aiona, and I would be criminal not to give it my last 6. You deserve it. ... Oh and the prize as well for the contest.
Jay
Comment Written 18-Apr-2023
reply by the author on 19-Apr-2023
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LOL! You kill me, Jay. Lancellot thought it was boring and yet he gave me five stars anyway. I don't understand. But I'm glad you enjoyed it, and I appreciate the compliment that it's the "best thing I've read of yours." The funny thing is, I wrote this in 1992. I just revised it a little bit. I guess that says how much my writing has improved over the decades. I enjoyed revising it though. It was nice to recall my state of mind when I wrote it.
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Well, good luck in the contest, Dear. And keep your eye open for my "Yellow Book" announcement for my Freebie, coming soon!
Jay
Comment from CrystieCookie999
I liked reading this. I think it is well-done. The themes and characters are down-to-earth and reassuring. There are a few little fixes here and there, and it could be tightened up a little. For the sake of time here are some of the more minor ones:
"Welp," Samuel sighed, "guess we're not going too far."
Capitalize Guess
And also, I think Welp would sound better as Well
The ball had already started and music drifted down from the luminous castle walls.
Add a comma after started
"I'm glad Charlie's a good friend of mine. He'll be understanding about this situation." (Charlie's the livery owner.)
Try: "I'm glad Charlie the livery owner is a good friend of mind. He'll be understanding about this situation."
reply by the author on 19-Apr-2023
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I liked reading this. I think it is well-done. The themes and characters are down-to-earth and reassuring. There are a few little fixes here and there, and it could be tightened up a little. For the sake of time here are some of the more minor ones:
"Welp," Samuel sighed, "guess we're not going too far."
Capitalize Guess
And also, I think Welp would sound better as Well
The ball had already started and music drifted down from the luminous castle walls.
Add a comma after started
"I'm glad Charlie's a good friend of mine. He'll be understanding about this situation." (Charlie's the livery owner.)
Try: "I'm glad Charlie the livery owner is a good friend of mind. He'll be understanding about this situation."
Comment Written 18-Apr-2023
reply by the author on 19-Apr-2023
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Ah! Thanks for catching those grammar issues. I always miss those compound sentences. I will fix that. And thanks for the review, Crystal. I'm glad you enjoyed reading it. I certainly enjoyed writing it, too.
