And, I Died
What met me on the other side.6 total reviews
Comment from WalkerMan
This post is appropriately categorized as Fantasy Fiction because the background story of a death experience cannot be verified; and the details, though plausible, are mostly predictive, so uncertain. However, I know enough about both Artificial Intelligence (AI) and advances in health care, from decades of my own research, to consider the described trend in human development to already be in progress and our likely future. From recent developments, only the time required is unclear, as it is rapidly shrinking.
The background story is vivid in detail and consistent in its unfolding, including the seemingly wise voice in the narrator's head. Fading of the need for language makes sense if some better means of communication is replacing it to facilitate understanding on a higher level.
Portions of the text that seem somewhat blurry are simply unclear memories of the complex death and beyond experience. To me, that is more realistic than fine detail in every aspect of the story would be.
The predictive part is about the coming "Digital Age" in which humans will increasingly replace failing body parts with non-living components less likely to fail, and may even be better in strength and capability. However, the downside is that we will lose capacity for physical input and consequent emotions. Regret over lost feelings will arise, and boredom will overcome interest and desire to live on without illness or other physical discomfort. In short, we will miss human experience.
You very effectively explain the likely results of such a culture. All people who are a nuisance to society in any way will be removed, but who will make those decisions? Overpopulation will resolve itself as ability for procreation vanishes. Eventually, those who are still naturally wise will try to "pull the plug" on it all; but they will realize it is already too late because by then AI will have taken over all its security and necessary energy sources.
Thus, this post is really a brilliant cautionary tale. Failure to heed it will assure inability to halt unbridled AI and our spiral into oblivion.
Superb, and aptly illustrated regarding the advanced communication effect.
reply by the author on 14-Apr-2023
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This post is appropriately categorized as Fantasy Fiction because the background story of a death experience cannot be verified; and the details, though plausible, are mostly predictive, so uncertain. However, I know enough about both Artificial Intelligence (AI) and advances in health care, from decades of my own research, to consider the described trend in human development to already be in progress and our likely future. From recent developments, only the time required is unclear, as it is rapidly shrinking.
The background story is vivid in detail and consistent in its unfolding, including the seemingly wise voice in the narrator's head. Fading of the need for language makes sense if some better means of communication is replacing it to facilitate understanding on a higher level.
Portions of the text that seem somewhat blurry are simply unclear memories of the complex death and beyond experience. To me, that is more realistic than fine detail in every aspect of the story would be.
The predictive part is about the coming "Digital Age" in which humans will increasingly replace failing body parts with non-living components less likely to fail, and may even be better in strength and capability. However, the downside is that we will lose capacity for physical input and consequent emotions. Regret over lost feelings will arise, and boredom will overcome interest and desire to live on without illness or other physical discomfort. In short, we will miss human experience.
You very effectively explain the likely results of such a culture. All people who are a nuisance to society in any way will be removed, but who will make those decisions? Overpopulation will resolve itself as ability for procreation vanishes. Eventually, those who are still naturally wise will try to "pull the plug" on it all; but they will realize it is already too late because by then AI will have taken over all its security and necessary energy sources.
Thus, this post is really a brilliant cautionary tale. Failure to heed it will assure inability to halt unbridled AI and our spiral into oblivion.
Superb, and aptly illustrated regarding the advanced communication effect.
Comment Written 12-Apr-2023
reply by the author on 14-Apr-2023
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I can't tell you how much I appreciate the depths of your review as it demonstrates a willingness to consider the endless probabilities and possibilities the future contains. We don't have to like them. We don't have to buy in to them. But, we damn well better start paying attention.
I really struggled with publishing this piece. It's incredibly difficult at times to share intimate pieces of yourself with the world because of the vulnerability that is inherent with the act. That is exactly why I found I had to post it. I had to push myself into the land of the uncomfortable in order to take my audience with me.
As writers, we have to brave the uncharted waters lest our work (ourselves) drown in mediocrity and insignificance.
Thanks again for taking the journey with me!
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You are most welcome. You have a brilliant mind capable of grasping the ramifications of societal trends not controlled by ethical rules. Most people aware of such a development do not have the capacity, patience, or willingness to consider the horrific cascade of events likely to occur without proper regulation while still possible.
My own mind has uncommon capacity to grasp complexity, which has enabled me to understand both the breadth and depth of complicated situations and the factors needing attention to resolve or, at least, endure them. That is how I have completed tasks no one else would even try.
Accordingly, I see and understand the warning you are sending in your post, and agree with your sense of both its importance and its urgency. Your vivid background story of events beyond death creates in a reader's mind the necessary framework to enable focus on the real risks of both insufficiently regulated AI and the reckless haste to "enhance" and/or replace our body parts with non-biologic components our souls cannot communicate with. The result is the eventual boredom you mention.
You took on a tough topic to convey to non-technical readers, yet seem to have held their interest enough to review positively. Whatever the result of the contest, you were right to post this.
Comment from Mary Shifman
This is interesting and thought provoking, as well as scary and depressing. The entire concept of AI bothers me because of its potential to take over. Anyway, as I read, I kept thinking of Dante's nine circles of hell. It sure doesn't make one want to buy into the whole concept. It's deep--I think Ill have to read it again to understand it more fully.
reply by the author on 12-Apr-2023
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This is interesting and thought provoking, as well as scary and depressing. The entire concept of AI bothers me because of its potential to take over. Anyway, as I read, I kept thinking of Dante's nine circles of hell. It sure doesn't make one want to buy into the whole concept. It's deep--I think Ill have to read it again to understand it more fully.
Comment Written 10-Apr-2023
reply by the author on 12-Apr-2023
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Thank you so much for your review. It is a very difficult subject because it's such a leap from where we are today. I guess that's why I had to write it. Either way, I hope it was worth the read for you.
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You are welcome.
Comment from NeuralSplyce
While this was well-written, I have to ask if this was meant to be categorized as an essay? As the story progressed, it became more of an essay and the world building for a story. Then it seemed to transition into a meandering collection of philosophical ideas and commentary. I liked them on their merit, but I kept looking for the story. There are some kernels in here that could become a good cautionary tale or essay about the dangers of our very existence being further sub-divided and dissected into data in a mountain of databases.
Here are some observations you may want to consider for your story:
> FIrst, I watched as the walls and furniture in the room
Typo in First
You may want to consider shortening and simplifying your sentences. The imagery gets jumbled up by doing too much in a sentence. Long sentences lead to reader fatigue. (If you think of their working memory as a buffer, long sentences lead to buffer overflow.) This is a problem I struggled with until I found the Hemingway app (online or Windows install) to highlight long or complex sentences. Consider reworking the sentences with parenthesis and forward slashes that make the passages look technical. I was a technical writer for many years and I've struggled with transitioning from describing things to painting a picture with words.
> I wonder now if the being took the image of my sister who died over twenty years ago. I wonder if it was really her or if the being just took that persona to keep me calm after the crossover.
These sentences felt a bit redundant.
> damaging stimuli indicated by various sensors which alerted our form to a required an action to
The 'an' feels unneeded
I've noticed the book quotes use at least three different fonts. For consistency, you'll want to stick with one font.
> bit of lab work, genetic testing, dna typing, medical records, blood typing, genealogy, sociology,
DNA is always capitalized (if only so spell check doesn't confuse it for 'and')
> Just like the Bimini atoll.
Do you mean the Bikini Atoll where atom bombs were tested?
Keep writing!
reply by the author on 12-Apr-2023
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While this was well-written, I have to ask if this was meant to be categorized as an essay? As the story progressed, it became more of an essay and the world building for a story. Then it seemed to transition into a meandering collection of philosophical ideas and commentary. I liked them on their merit, but I kept looking for the story. There are some kernels in here that could become a good cautionary tale or essay about the dangers of our very existence being further sub-divided and dissected into data in a mountain of databases.
Here are some observations you may want to consider for your story:
> FIrst, I watched as the walls and furniture in the room
Typo in First
You may want to consider shortening and simplifying your sentences. The imagery gets jumbled up by doing too much in a sentence. Long sentences lead to reader fatigue. (If you think of their working memory as a buffer, long sentences lead to buffer overflow.) This is a problem I struggled with until I found the Hemingway app (online or Windows install) to highlight long or complex sentences. Consider reworking the sentences with parenthesis and forward slashes that make the passages look technical. I was a technical writer for many years and I've struggled with transitioning from describing things to painting a picture with words.
> I wonder now if the being took the image of my sister who died over twenty years ago. I wonder if it was really her or if the being just took that persona to keep me calm after the crossover.
These sentences felt a bit redundant.
> damaging stimuli indicated by various sensors which alerted our form to a required an action to
The 'an' feels unneeded
I've noticed the book quotes use at least three different fonts. For consistency, you'll want to stick with one font.
> bit of lab work, genetic testing, dna typing, medical records, blood typing, genealogy, sociology,
DNA is always capitalized (if only so spell check doesn't confuse it for 'and')
> Just like the Bimini atoll.
Do you mean the Bikini Atoll where atom bombs were tested?
Keep writing!
Comment Written 10-Apr-2023
reply by the author on 12-Apr-2023
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I made some of the corrections you mentioned and appreciate the catch.
In addition, you are right about my tendency to stretch a sentence too far at times, the Bikini V's. Bi mini, DNA, and the fonts. I struggle with uploading my documents here. I've tried both ways and it always trashes my formatting, and I'm left trying to fix what can't be fixed.
As to the content. I'm truly sorry that you didn't see the story, which maybe is a bit of an essay. I don't like to try to box in my stylistic options so technically. I do post on this site to get reviews and try to improve my writing. Sometimes, it requires a thick skin. I do struggle with the three rating, which is a first time occurrence. Nonetheless,
I appreciate the commentary and suggestions and will keep them in mind. I'm going to check out the Hemingway app, too.
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Hi Tara,
With the corrections to SPAG you've made, I changed the rating to 4 stars to align with the site's guidance. I understand how it feels to get a low rating. Being creative is difficult and getting people around you to care is more difficult. There's an ongoing debate on the forums about whether the rating system serves a purpose to the writers. IMHO, everyone who posts a finished story or poem here is already a winner. Most people never get beyond the idea stage. Of those who do, few complete the story or poem. Only a handful have the drive to complete something and the courage to share it.
The formatting has long been an issue and vexes me too. I'll save my Word doc as .txt, open in a text editor, copy-and-paste...and it still inserts garbage characters.
Keep writing and keep exploring your stylistic options.
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I truly appreciate the upgrade and the critique. Nothing you said was untrue. I have made a couple of further edits to the piece this morning as your words helped me to develop the piece a bit more. I don't know if it will all come together for you now, but I hope it does.
I also tried to revise the formatting again. It seems I always struggle with it. I think it's because I usually do my drafts in Docs on my phone, and maybe it doesn't play as nice as Word docs.
It wasn't a linear experience, so it's hard to make it that way. Does that make sense? There was nothing common or known about it, which made communicating the ideas contained therein almost impossible. That's one reason I chose to include the quotes. They seemed to say or point to things better than I could.
So, it's out there now and as always I hope it serves to give someone pause to reflect on the direction humanity is taking, because we seriously need to rethink some things. Seriously.
Per the way the site describes how to rate pieces, I think you were accurate in the three rating. I just hate the word "average." Don't we all? LOL
Thanks again!!!
Comment from Sarah Das Gupta
Interesting and challenging with apt references to major writers/thinkers
on the subject. The future development of AI is frightening and it has hardly begun. This is well written and encourages discussion:
reply by the author on 12-Apr-2023
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Interesting and challenging with apt references to major writers/thinkers
on the subject. The future development of AI is frightening and it has hardly begun. This is well written and encourages discussion:
Comment Written 10-Apr-2023
reply by the author on 12-Apr-2023
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Thanks so much for the read and the review. Most of the story is true, with some embellishment and side roads taken. I spent two years wrecked over the experience and searching for answers to questions I never had before. One thing I didn't mention was that after I asked where God was, I asked who killed Jon Be net. Why that was my second question, I'ill never understand! Thanks again.
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Best wishes from UK!
Comment from Jim Wile
What an interesting take on life and death and everything in between. You obviously spend a lot of time thinking about these things. You've presented a vision which, to me, is as plausible as religious belief and is as all-encompassing. Have you actually had a near-death experience with these revelations, or is this all from your imagination?
Wonderfully written with a great interspersing of related quotations. Well done. Jim
reply by the author on 10-Apr-2023
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What an interesting take on life and death and everything in between. You obviously spend a lot of time thinking about these things. You've presented a vision which, to me, is as plausible as religious belief and is as all-encompassing. Have you actually had a near-death experience with these revelations, or is this all from your imagination?
Wonderfully written with a great interspersing of related quotations. Well done. Jim
Comment Written 10-Apr-2023
reply by the author on 10-Apr-2023
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Thanks for the kind review, Jim. It is mostly based on an actual occurrence and what I remember from where I went, although I've admittedly taken a few liberties. The parts about the cyborg progression and the pod life augmented reality is my futurist's logic at work. I did leave out a couple of things, too. My first question after I started to get my bearings was about where was God. I'm ashamed to say my second question was who killed JonBenet (I really don't know why). My third question was about how people can overcome addictions. In case you are interested, the answer to the JonBenet question was that it was a skilled laborer who had worked at the house sometime before. I didn't understand that he went there with the intent of harming her, maybe he did mean to kidnap her though. It was about money. She had gotten out of bed for some reason and was in the kitchen and he just happened upon her. He scared her and he was afraid she'd get him caught. When he was going to take her out of the house, he had second thoughts and was afraid she'd ID him. Where the assault part came in, I don't remember. The answer to the addiction question was basically that it, like so many other things, are the prisons we build for ourselves. If you want to rid yourself of an addiction, you just simply have to believe you can and do it. There was a little more to it about how consciousness and your physicality were synced, but I really can't remember the details on that. Thanks again for your review. I know it's a long read! Tara
Comment from Julie Lau
Thought-provoking indeed! My mind, it is a-boggling. Just to help out with a couple of down-to-earthly facts:
1) ...watch my body fall off me... you've left one of the 'f's off 'off',
2) 'momentarily' means, for a very brief time. Instead use 'in a moment'. This mistake is creeping more and more into the language, but there is no need for us to encourage it. :) You write very well and the extent of your knowledge and research 'way impresses me. Julie L
reply by the author on 10-Apr-2023
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Thought-provoking indeed! My mind, it is a-boggling. Just to help out with a couple of down-to-earthly facts:
1) ...watch my body fall off me... you've left one of the 'f's off 'off',
2) 'momentarily' means, for a very brief time. Instead use 'in a moment'. This mistake is creeping more and more into the language, but there is no need for us to encourage it. :) You write very well and the extent of your knowledge and research 'way impresses me. Julie L
Comment Written 10-Apr-2023
reply by the author on 10-Apr-2023
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I made the corrections you suggested and appreciate the review very much. It was a very hard topic to tackle. It is so hard to describe the unknown, particularly with such depressive aspects. Thanks again!
