Hickory, Dickery & Dock Escapade
A Mango and Bert Story26 total reviews
Comment from lyenochka
Kibble pancakes with gravy - of course, you had to include some new food recipe in your story, too!
I liked the story that Mango came up with. It used the nursery rhyme and gave us a possible story as to why the "mouse went up the clock." Most of all, I liked that Mango was excited to do his homework even doing it during his bedtime!
reply by the author on 06-Mar-2024
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Kibble pancakes with gravy - of course, you had to include some new food recipe in your story, too!
I liked the story that Mango came up with. It used the nursery rhyme and gave us a possible story as to why the "mouse went up the clock." Most of all, I liked that Mango was excited to do his homework even doing it during his bedtime!
Comment Written 05-Mar-2024
reply by the author on 06-Mar-2024
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Thank you Heln for reading my posted children story.
I used to read and listen to baseball games a lot under the covers with a flashlight and/or transistor radio.
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Lol. It's something we all did - reading under the covers! 😊💖
Comment from w.j.debi
What an adorable story. I hope you are thinking of making a picture book. You've done a great job with the characterization of the mice and incorporating the famous nursery rhyme.
reply by the author on 06-Mar-2024
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What an adorable story. I hope you are thinking of making a picture book. You've done a great job with the characterization of the mice and incorporating the famous nursery rhyme.
Comment Written 05-Mar-2024
reply by the author on 06-Mar-2024
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I would like to pursue the book idea with this one, but haven't the clue where or how to start (especially with no money to spend).
I guess I'll be using Google.
Thank you...
Note - are you going to continue you story, with the horses and goat. I was intrigued by it,
John
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Hi John,
Thank you for asking about the horses and the goat. It's been so long since I posted that I thought everyone had forgotten about the story. It is a finished story so I'll take a look at posting more.
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That would be great. I, myself was enjoying it and based on the reviews if I recall correctly, everyone else was enjoying it as well.
John
Comment from Gypsy Blue Rose
What a cute chidren story.
Mango's story about Hickory, Dickory, Dock is fun and very creative.
Well done
Gypsy
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reply by the author on 06-Mar-2024
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What a cute chidren story.
Mango's story about Hickory, Dickory, Dock is fun and very creative.
Well done
Gypsy
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Comment Written 05-Mar-2024
reply by the author on 06-Mar-2024
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Thank you, Gypsy for your kind words.
John
Comment from LJbutterfly
I liked it also. Mango, the beagle (my favorite dog) is a good writer. I loved the way he arranged his story with his chosen nursery rhyme in red letters. Additionally, the story was clear, easy to envision, and creative. I give Mango an A.
Hickory was nowhere to he found. (be)
reply by the author on 06-Mar-2024
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I liked it also. Mango, the beagle (my favorite dog) is a good writer. I loved the way he arranged his story with his chosen nursery rhyme in red letters. Additionally, the story was clear, easy to envision, and creative. I give Mango an A.
Hickory was nowhere to he found. (be)
Comment Written 05-Mar-2024
reply by the author on 06-Mar-2024
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Ooops. thanks for the fix.
I appreciate your time to read and review my posts.
John
Comment from SimianSavant
Nice use with the coloring annotation. This is generally pretty well edited but here are some suggested adjustments:
Mango is a five-year old Beagle attending Faducah Falls Elementary School. Her teacher, Mrs. Snodwhimple, a three foot <= add a hyphen: three-foot (it's not a compound word, but the two words work together as an adjective of "owl")
Verb tense: Mango IS, while her teacher WAS: try to keep these consistent, or the reader may get confused over the time period. Probably it's going to be simplest to say Mango WAS.
tall owl with thick framed glasses was about to assign the weekends <= needs a possessive apostrophe, or reword to something like "assign them their weekend homework"
The class all together let out a collective groan.
A few minutes later <= comma here
Bert is <= same thing as earlier with the verb tenses. To avoid confusion, stick with past tense.
an eleven-year-old Saint Bernard who happens <= happened
to be Mangos <= needs possessive apostrophe: Mango's
"Momma, I'm sure he's alright. Just being an adventurous boy. He'll be back when his belly gets real hungry." <= use a comma instead of a period here since you are connecting it to a speaker (Poppa)
Before either of her brothers could answer, Dock was over-run with adventure, squeezed through the hole and took off. <= The bit "over-run with adventure" seems a little confusing. Maybe try: "was overcome with a sense of adventure. She squeezed through..." overrun and overcome have very different meanings, eg overrun by the mob
-Harambe (for President)
reply by the author on 05-Mar-2024
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Nice use with the coloring annotation. This is generally pretty well edited but here are some suggested adjustments:
Mango is a five-year old Beagle attending Faducah Falls Elementary School. Her teacher, Mrs. Snodwhimple, a three foot <= add a hyphen: three-foot (it's not a compound word, but the two words work together as an adjective of "owl")
Verb tense: Mango IS, while her teacher WAS: try to keep these consistent, or the reader may get confused over the time period. Probably it's going to be simplest to say Mango WAS.
tall owl with thick framed glasses was about to assign the weekends <= needs a possessive apostrophe, or reword to something like "assign them their weekend homework"
The class all together let out a collective groan.
A few minutes later <= comma here
Bert is <= same thing as earlier with the verb tenses. To avoid confusion, stick with past tense.
an eleven-year-old Saint Bernard who happens <= happened
to be Mangos <= needs possessive apostrophe: Mango's
"Momma, I'm sure he's alright. Just being an adventurous boy. He'll be back when his belly gets real hungry." <= use a comma instead of a period here since you are connecting it to a speaker (Poppa)
Before either of her brothers could answer, Dock was over-run with adventure, squeezed through the hole and took off. <= The bit "over-run with adventure" seems a little confusing. Maybe try: "was overcome with a sense of adventure. She squeezed through..." overrun and overcome have very different meanings, eg overrun by the mob
-Harambe (for President)
Comment Written 05-Mar-2024
reply by the author on 05-Mar-2024
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Thank you!
I will look at these corrections and also keep them in mind for future writing.
I am grateful for your time.
John
Comment from Jim Wile
Good story, John. Isn't it fun to think up ways that some of these things came about? That was the most fun I had in "Saving Mr. Calvin" -- thinking of how the game of golf developed.
Great idea to use the names of the mice as the basis for the nursery rhyme. Cleverly written. - Jim
reply by the author on 05-Mar-2024
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Good story, John. Isn't it fun to think up ways that some of these things came about? That was the most fun I had in "Saving Mr. Calvin" -- thinking of how the game of golf developed.
Great idea to use the names of the mice as the basis for the nursery rhyme. Cleverly written. - Jim
Comment Written 05-Mar-2024
reply by the author on 05-Mar-2024
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Great review, Jim.
Thank you so much for reading and the review.
John
Comment from Begin Again
A marvelous children's story within a children's story. My first thoughts were kind of messy...thinking evil things had happened to Hickory...but thank heavens it had not. You made even an adult smile and enjoy the adventure of the little mice.
Smiles, Carol
reply by the author on 05-Mar-2024
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A marvelous children's story within a children's story. My first thoughts were kind of messy...thinking evil things had happened to Hickory...but thank heavens it had not. You made even an adult smile and enjoy the adventure of the little mice.
Smiles, Carol
Comment Written 05-Mar-2024
reply by the author on 05-Mar-2024
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I couldn't let something bad happen to any of them in my childrens story...
Thank you so much for reading.
John
Comment from nomi338
Bravo! A silly little nursery rhyme was just made a ton more interesting. That was a creative piece of genius. I think that a book of reimagined nursery rhymes would provide a certain measure of interest if done properly. Someone, if not you or I should look into it.
reply by the author on 05-Mar-2024
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Bravo! A silly little nursery rhyme was just made a ton more interesting. That was a creative piece of genius. I think that a book of reimagined nursery rhymes would provide a certain measure of interest if done properly. Someone, if not you or I should look into it.
Comment Written 04-Mar-2024
reply by the author on 05-Mar-2024
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Nomi.
Great review, my friend. I'm happy you enjoyed this post.
John
Comment from Kelly Hope
I love your work! I felt like this storytell was nicely written. I will say it's undoubtedly an enjoyable read. Thank you for sharing this with us. Keep writing, God bless!
reply by the author on 05-Mar-2024
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I love your work! I felt like this storytell was nicely written. I will say it's undoubtedly an enjoyable read. Thank you for sharing this with us. Keep writing, God bless!
Comment Written 04-Mar-2024
reply by the author on 05-Mar-2024
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Thank you, Kelly.
I appreciate your reading my post.
John
Comment from Tom Horonzy
and here I hought the late to arrive brother was d e a d! I could see you detailing all the gore of a mouse being slammed by the square of a mousetrap or having his entrails stiff on the floor being the remains what the cat detested and wouldn't eat. Instead ... he was enjoying life to the fullest.
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and here I hought the late to arrive brother was d e a d! I could see you detailing all the gore of a mouse being slammed by the square of a mousetrap or having his entrails stiff on the floor being the remains what the cat detested and wouldn't eat. Instead ... he was enjoying life to the fullest.
Comment Written 04-Mar-2024