Please Bring Me Flowers
Short Fiction35 total reviews
Comment from humpwhistle
A nice sinister twist on the typical Alzheimer's story. Sneaky good. I wonder though, if you all the explanation at the end. Once you reveal the fact that they're grifters, the rest feels unnecessary to me. Maybe other folks need to know about the dress and the bank and all that, but it feels anticlimactic to me. It feels like you're trying to show me how clever you are. No need. I already figured that out.
I'm guessing no one else will have a problem with the ending. So, my concern will be easily dismissed.
But here's the kicker--I absolutely love the way you handled the dialogue. Smooth, believable, and with speech and actions tags right where they belong.
Nice job.
Peace, Lee
"No Mom. Don't you remember?--need a comma after No.
"Well Sarah. I got it right, didn't I?"--need a comma after Well,
We found her in her room this morning. --Maybe it's just me, but this sentence seems superfluous to me. Would one expect her to be found in her room if she died during the night? I don't mean to nitpick.
"No Sweetheart.--need a comma after No.
"Well partner,--need a comma after Well.
reply by the author on 31-Mar-2023
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A nice sinister twist on the typical Alzheimer's story. Sneaky good. I wonder though, if you all the explanation at the end. Once you reveal the fact that they're grifters, the rest feels unnecessary to me. Maybe other folks need to know about the dress and the bank and all that, but it feels anticlimactic to me. It feels like you're trying to show me how clever you are. No need. I already figured that out.
I'm guessing no one else will have a problem with the ending. So, my concern will be easily dismissed.
But here's the kicker--I absolutely love the way you handled the dialogue. Smooth, believable, and with speech and actions tags right where they belong.
Nice job.
Peace, Lee
"No Mom. Don't you remember?--need a comma after No.
"Well Sarah. I got it right, didn't I?"--need a comma after Well,
We found her in her room this morning. --Maybe it's just me, but this sentence seems superfluous to me. Would one expect her to be found in her room if she died during the night? I don't mean to nitpick.
"No Sweetheart.--need a comma after No.
"Well partner,--need a comma after Well.
Comment Written 31-Mar-2023
reply by the author on 31-Mar-2023
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I am so darn pleased with this review I am beside myself. I had initially ended the story with Rob asking how much money they received for a few months of acting, which I thought explained it all. But then, I decided to explain everything. A couple of reviewers didn't get it until the end. One said she had to read the ending twice. Oh well.
I'm so glad to hear your thoughts. Thanks for the needed lesson in commas. I've added them.
My secret: Before I was able to post on this site, I had a free 'read only' membership for 6 months. I mostly read your work for entertainment, and to understand how short stories and flash fiction was constructed.
Thank you so much Lee, for this review and recommendations. This is truly appreciated.
Blessings, LJButterfly
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I'm glad you are pleased. Not everyone cottons to my reviews.
I think you're initial instincts were spot on. You could have cut off the story right at the reveal. Most readers would have caught on to the grifters. Those who couldn't shouldn't worry you too much. You have to give your readers credit for smarts. Otherwise, you end up writing to the lowest common denominator. That serves no one. Especially not you.
When I write Flash, I know I'm going to leave some people behind. Maybe they're just not attuned to irony, or twists. Better to write for the people who get it. They'll appreciate your confidence in their ability to make the leap. I have no use for writers who write down me, and I don't think I'm alone.
Anyway, LJbutterfly, if you learned something from me, I'm thrilled. Now, be true to yourself.
Peace, Lee
Comment from Terry Broxson
LOL, on my Lorraine, what a devious and clever mind you have. And what a wicked web you have weaved. You get my last six for posting such a well-written and creative story. Outstanding for short fiction. Terry.
reply by the author on 31-Mar-2023
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LOL, on my Lorraine, what a devious and clever mind you have. And what a wicked web you have weaved. You get my last six for posting such a well-written and creative story. Outstanding for short fiction. Terry.
Comment Written 31-Mar-2023
reply by the author on 31-Mar-2023
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Thank you Terry, for your review and inspirational comments. Thank you also for SIX beautiful, bright, shiny stars. I really appreciate this evaluation.
Blessings, LJButterfly
Comment from Jesse James Doty
Wow, you did an expert job at convincing me that Sarah and Rob were her real children and it took me by total surprise when the shocking explanation of the crooks they were and how devilish they were to take these older Alzheimer's patients for all their money!
Well done and Brava!
I was shocked but I suppose these things really happen in the real world.
Jesse
reply by the author on 31-Mar-2023
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Wow, you did an expert job at convincing me that Sarah and Rob were her real children and it took me by total surprise when the shocking explanation of the crooks they were and how devilish they were to take these older Alzheimer's patients for all their money!
Well done and Brava!
I was shocked but I suppose these things really happen in the real world.
Jesse
Comment Written 31-Mar-2023
reply by the author on 31-Mar-2023
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Thank you Jesse, for your review, encouraging comments, and for SIX beautiful, bright, shiny stars. If I could think this up for a fiction story, I'm sure some ruthless person could think it up to actually do. Thanks again for reading. I always appreciate your reviews.
Blessings, LJButterfly
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Too bad there are so many ruthless people in this world. They are the scrouge of society.
Jesse
Comment from Wayne Fowler
I hope it's a lot harder than that.
Nicely written.
lip glossed - hyphen word? (lip-glossed)
My parents thought that they had invented the name 'Marla' when they named my sister in 1952.
Best wishes.
reply by the author on 31-Mar-2023
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I hope it's a lot harder than that.
Nicely written.
lip glossed - hyphen word? (lip-glossed)
My parents thought that they had invented the name 'Marla' when they named my sister in 1952.
Best wishes.
Comment Written 31-Mar-2023
reply by the author on 31-Mar-2023
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Thank you Wayne, for your review, comments, and helpful suggestion. I've added the overlooked hyphen. I used the name Marla, thinking it was the name of the daughter of actor, Danny Thomas. I just Googled her to discover her name is Marlo Thomas. Oops. Your parents DID invent the name. Thanks again for reading, and for your generous stars.
Blessings, LJButterfly
Comment from Alexandra Trovato
This was like reading a very short, good movie. I was completely taken by surprise. At first, I was empathizing, because my parents were much older parents; I was their youngest child. I was able to relate to my Mom after her stroke. My Dad, however, lived to see his hundredth year, and was sharp minded, until the end.
Your story was believable. The dialog was well written, and the ending was perfectly shocking. I had to read it twice. Did it just say? Ha. Such a living daughter; how could this be? I STILL that it was her daughter, until the very end, when more explanation was given. So I think this was excellent writing, and then some;
reply by the author on 31-Mar-2023
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This was like reading a very short, good movie. I was completely taken by surprise. At first, I was empathizing, because my parents were much older parents; I was their youngest child. I was able to relate to my Mom after her stroke. My Dad, however, lived to see his hundredth year, and was sharp minded, until the end.
Your story was believable. The dialog was well written, and the ending was perfectly shocking. I had to read it twice. Did it just say? Ha. Such a living daughter; how could this be? I STILL that it was her daughter, until the very end, when more explanation was given. So I think this was excellent writing, and then some;
Comment Written 31-Mar-2023
reply by the author on 31-Mar-2023
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Thank you Alexandra, for your review and complimentary comments. I'm glad this story read like a short movie. Thank you for sharing a bit of your story about your parents. And thank you for SIX big, beautiful, bright, shiny stars. They are all appreciated.
Blessings, LJButterfly
Comment from Wendy G
Didn't see that ending coming!! Thought she was a very loving daughter. Not. I do wonder how often such things, or similar elder abuse, happen in real life. A well told, cleverly written story.
Wendy
reply by the author on 31-Mar-2023
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Didn't see that ending coming!! Thought she was a very loving daughter. Not. I do wonder how often such things, or similar elder abuse, happen in real life. A well told, cleverly written story.
Wendy
Comment Written 31-Mar-2023
reply by the author on 31-Mar-2023
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Thank you Wendy, for your review and encouraging comments. If I could think this story up as fiction, I'm sure someone could think it up to actually try. Thanks for reading and for your generous stars.
Blessings, LJButterfly
Comment from karenina
Oh! How dastardly! Here I was feeling so sorry for Sarah. Grrr. I worked as an RN in memory care for decades. I never saw anyone get a way with this...but I sure saw some try!
Karenina
reply by the author on 31-Mar-2023
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Oh! How dastardly! Here I was feeling so sorry for Sarah. Grrr. I worked as an RN in memory care for decades. I never saw anyone get a way with this...but I sure saw some try!
Karenina
Comment Written 30-Mar-2023
reply by the author on 31-Mar-2023
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Thank you Karenina, for your review and comments. I hope this story would be impossible to accomplish. I made up all sorts of backstory (which was not included) about what these people would have to do to fool a nursing home. I'm glad to hear you can't really get away with this kind of scam.
Thanks again for reading, and for your generous stars.
Blessings, LJButterfly
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Oh, probably people have gotten away with it. Just not in my personal experience. Seniors, especially those with dementia of any kind, are so often the victims of scamming!
Comment from lyenochka
Oh no!! You had the reader fooled from the very start with the glistening, tearful eyes of Sarah, the imposter. I wouldn't think that someone who is placed in a memory care home would have financial authority to change the will from the real beneficiary but I guess this kind of scam could be a real warning for anyone who has loved ones who have Alzheimer's!
Suggestions:
"No Mom. (No, Mom)
"Well Sarah. (Well, Sarah)
reply by the author on 31-Mar-2023
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Oh no!! You had the reader fooled from the very start with the glistening, tearful eyes of Sarah, the imposter. I wouldn't think that someone who is placed in a memory care home would have financial authority to change the will from the real beneficiary but I guess this kind of scam could be a real warning for anyone who has loved ones who have Alzheimer's!
Suggestions:
"No Mom. (No, Mom)
"Well Sarah. (Well, Sarah)
Comment Written 30-Mar-2023
reply by the author on 31-Mar-2023
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Thank you Helen, for your review and insightful comments. I made up all sorts of backstory (which was not included) about what these people would have to do to fool a nursing home and patient. I hope in reality, this scam is totally impossible.
Thanks for your recommendations. The commas have been added.
Blessings, Lorraine
Comment from Jannypan (Jan)
You did a great job, LJ, with your story. It read well.
It's probably something that has happened more times
than not. What a tragic act to play on an elderly person
in memory care. Your words were descriptive and your
story progressed well.
Thanks for sharing, Jan
reply by the author on 31-Mar-2023
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You did a great job, LJ, with your story. It read well.
It's probably something that has happened more times
than not. What a tragic act to play on an elderly person
in memory care. Your words were descriptive and your
story progressed well.
Thanks for sharing, Jan
Comment Written 30-Mar-2023
reply by the author on 31-Mar-2023
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Thank you Jan, for your review, supportive comments, and generous stars. I always appreciate your reviews. Thanks again for reading.
Blessings, LJButterfly
Comment from Soledadpaz
Unfortunately, both these situations happen all to often. It's sad when someone loses their mental capacities to disease. And sadder still when others prey on these poor souls.
You told this story with excellent flow and pacing, leaving the reader totally unprepared for the twist that was coming up.
Well done,
Sol
reply by the author on 30-Mar-2023
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Unfortunately, both these situations happen all to often. It's sad when someone loses their mental capacities to disease. And sadder still when others prey on these poor souls.
You told this story with excellent flow and pacing, leaving the reader totally unprepared for the twist that was coming up.
Well done,
Sol
Comment Written 30-Mar-2023
reply by the author on 30-Mar-2023
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Thank you Sol, for your review and super encouraging comments. Thank you also for SIX bright, shiny stars. I truly appreciate this evaluation.
Blessings, LJButterfly
