The Lioness of Shadi
Viewing comments for Chapter 21 "The Edge of the Forest"A fantasy adventure out of antiquity
3 total reviews
Comment from Faith Williams
'Standing at its edge, watching it stretch off beyond the horizon in either direction like an endless parade of emerald statues, Ilati could believe the truth of it. Every footfall on the soft, rich earth beneath these branches sent up the perfume of cracking cedar needles and fragrant wildflowers that grew amongst the loam. Birds sang symphonies in the branches, more than she had heard even among the rushes. They filled an otherwise silent air with golden notes that lingered in the sunbeams like chimes echoing through the halls of a temple. The songs and stories of its beauties and mysterious depths could only come to a fingernail's worth of its truth, as immeasurable as the endless grains of sand in the Desert of Kings.' Such a beautiful walk through the sense in your description of the forest! There is so much lovely imagery in this paragraph.
Suggestions to consider:
'Ilati knew (that) this first glimpse would only be improved upon by entering the depths of the wood.' Delete 'that'.
'The sorcerer shrugged, apparently unconcerned (that) their navigation would not be so easy. Delete 'that'.
'... feeling no need to jerk their mounts (about) with reins or prods.' I think you could delete 'about.'
'The priestess supported the hoof with one hand, taking the stiff-bristled brush (that) Menes held out to her.' Delete 'that'.
'Ilati snorted (at that), looking up at the one-eyed man.' Delete 'at that'.
'She knew (that) Menes was anything but wrong... ' Delete 'that'.
'Eigou smiled, though there was a hardness to it (that) Ilati hadn't expected... ' Delete 'that'.
'Ilati sat (down) on the fallen cedar... ' Delete 'down'.
'It was hard to believe (that) the gentle warrior could truly be a beast, even after seeing hints of his fury.' Delete 'that'.
'Her thoughts were not (even) with the demon of Sa Dul.' Delete 'even'.
"(Even) if I was shooting, I'd probably hit Eigou by mistake." Delete 'even'.
Again, you add depth to Menes' character through backstory. And add another layer to Ilati and Menes' relationship as well. An enjoyable read.
reply by the author on 29-Apr-2023
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'Standing at its edge, watching it stretch off beyond the horizon in either direction like an endless parade of emerald statues, Ilati could believe the truth of it. Every footfall on the soft, rich earth beneath these branches sent up the perfume of cracking cedar needles and fragrant wildflowers that grew amongst the loam. Birds sang symphonies in the branches, more than she had heard even among the rushes. They filled an otherwise silent air with golden notes that lingered in the sunbeams like chimes echoing through the halls of a temple. The songs and stories of its beauties and mysterious depths could only come to a fingernail's worth of its truth, as immeasurable as the endless grains of sand in the Desert of Kings.' Such a beautiful walk through the sense in your description of the forest! There is so much lovely imagery in this paragraph.
Suggestions to consider:
'Ilati knew (that) this first glimpse would only be improved upon by entering the depths of the wood.' Delete 'that'.
'The sorcerer shrugged, apparently unconcerned (that) their navigation would not be so easy. Delete 'that'.
'... feeling no need to jerk their mounts (about) with reins or prods.' I think you could delete 'about.'
'The priestess supported the hoof with one hand, taking the stiff-bristled brush (that) Menes held out to her.' Delete 'that'.
'Ilati snorted (at that), looking up at the one-eyed man.' Delete 'at that'.
'She knew (that) Menes was anything but wrong... ' Delete 'that'.
'Eigou smiled, though there was a hardness to it (that) Ilati hadn't expected... ' Delete 'that'.
'Ilati sat (down) on the fallen cedar... ' Delete 'down'.
'It was hard to believe (that) the gentle warrior could truly be a beast, even after seeing hints of his fury.' Delete 'that'.
'Her thoughts were not (even) with the demon of Sa Dul.' Delete 'even'.
"(Even) if I was shooting, I'd probably hit Eigou by mistake." Delete 'even'.
Again, you add depth to Menes' character through backstory. And add another layer to Ilati and Menes' relationship as well. An enjoyable read.
Comment Written 27-Apr-2023
reply by the author on 29-Apr-2023
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Thank you for the helpful comments! I've got a whole list of things to fix. I'll need to be more mindful as I write more of falling into those traps. I'm also glad Menes is unfolding a little too. I feel like sometimes he ends up a little neglected if I'm not careful. I want all of them to be well developed and distinct, especially by the end.
Comment from Sarah Das Gupta
The landscape and setting are very well evoked and the intrigues of the court are absorbing for the reader! Which of the two rivals will, succeed
Tudhaliya? The 'voice' here is successful in creating this mythical place;
reply by the author on 11-Mar-2023
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The landscape and setting are very well evoked and the intrigues of the court are absorbing for the reader! Which of the two rivals will, succeed
Tudhaliya? The 'voice' here is successful in creating this mythical place;
Comment Written 06-Mar-2023
reply by the author on 11-Mar-2023
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Thank you very much for reading and reviewing! I apologize for the delay in response, it's been such a tumultuous week. I'm glad it was enjoyable and I hope you have a wonderful day.
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Best wishes!
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Best wishes!
Comment from Shirley McLain
Sounds like trouble is brewing in this kingdom. They have to hope the ruler lives a long time. You did an excellent job with this chapter. Have a great day. Shirley
reply by the author on 11-Mar-2023
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Sounds like trouble is brewing in this kingdom. They have to hope the ruler lives a long time. You did an excellent job with this chapter. Have a great day. Shirley
Comment Written 06-Mar-2023
reply by the author on 11-Mar-2023
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Thank you very much for reading and reviewing! I apologize for the delay in response, it's been such a tumultuous week. I'm glad it was enjoyable and I hope you have a wonderful day.
