Pay Day
Viewing comments for Chapter 11 "Pay Day, pt 11"One fine spring day at school
9 total reviews
Comment from eliz100
This is another excellent chapter. I am behind on my reviews so I read 12 before this one. One hundred tickets, that should be interesting. I don't see any room for improvement. Have a blessed day.
reply by the author on 27-Feb-2023
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This is another excellent chapter. I am behind on my reviews so I read 12 before this one. One hundred tickets, that should be interesting. I don't see any room for improvement. Have a blessed day.
Comment Written 27-Feb-2023
reply by the author on 27-Feb-2023
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Thank you for a very nice review.
Comment from Pam Lonsdale
So we've jumped to the next school year already? The quick transition was a little jarring for me.
Again, we're building toward a new plot and a new concern for danger. This speaks to the fact that danger never goes away, but is only tamped down from time to time before it rears its ugly head again.
Third person narration is allowing us to know what the characters are thinking as well as what they're saying, which gets us into what's going on better.
reply by the author on 24-Feb-2023
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So we've jumped to the next school year already? The quick transition was a little jarring for me.
Again, we're building toward a new plot and a new concern for danger. This speaks to the fact that danger never goes away, but is only tamped down from time to time before it rears its ugly head again.
Third person narration is allowing us to know what the characters are thinking as well as what they're saying, which gets us into what's going on better.
Comment Written 24-Feb-2023
reply by the author on 24-Feb-2023
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Thank you.
Yeah, in my head the transition flowed, but I can see that readers don't live in my head. It needs something. Thank you.
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Wayne, I hear this all the time from my writer's group: We don't live inside your head, so we don't know the whole story unless you show it to us. It's nice to have the perspective of others to make your own work more appealing.
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Yes it is. Even though my wife is a superb editor, even she, knowing the story line, misses gaps that reviewers in FanStory fine.
Comment from Carol Hillebrenner
This is interesting with the back and forth between those who believe in God and want to do good and those who are living with a heart full of hate and disappointment. The movie does seem like the time a hater may make a move. Good buildup of tension after the previous explosion was stymied.
reply by the author on 24-Feb-2023
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This is interesting with the back and forth between those who believe in God and want to do good and those who are living with a heart full of hate and disappointment. The movie does seem like the time a hater may make a move. Good buildup of tension after the previous explosion was stymied.
Comment Written 23-Feb-2023
reply by the author on 24-Feb-2023
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Thank you for your very kind words.
Comment from Wendy G
The spiritual tension is building again. And they are right - the spiritual battles are ongoing. You are doing an excellent job with this story with its ebb and flo of drama. So pleased the students of the Bible Club are so in tune with the Holy Spirit's guidance, and the headmaster also.
Well done.
Wendy
Typo: " ... and grace by Jimmy": Needs a capital for Grace.
reply by the author on 24-Feb-2023
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The spiritual tension is building again. And they are right - the spiritual battles are ongoing. You are doing an excellent job with this story with its ebb and flo of drama. So pleased the students of the Bible Club are so in tune with the Holy Spirit's guidance, and the headmaster also.
Well done.
Wendy
Typo: " ... and grace by Jimmy": Needs a capital for Grace.
Comment Written 23-Feb-2023
reply by the author on 24-Feb-2023
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Thank you for your great review. My left hand refuses to get the timing right for capitalization. That is my main edit work - going back to capitalize words.
Comment from lyenochka
Well, this jumped around a bit. And you gave the problem a view from all different angles. Again there is an ominous build up of some evil being plotted and it is sense by the right people. I did like the mention of the "God's Not Dead" movie.
Kailey near John, grace by Jimmy. (Grace)
reply by the author on 24-Feb-2023
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Well, this jumped around a bit. And you gave the problem a view from all different angles. Again there is an ominous build up of some evil being plotted and it is sense by the right people. I did like the mention of the "God's Not Dead" movie.
Kailey near John, grace by Jimmy. (Grace)
Comment Written 23-Feb-2023
reply by the author on 24-Feb-2023
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Thank you for your very kind review.
Comment from JT traveller
A fantastic piece of writing. Having not read your previous chapters I have a lot of catching up to do.
I do sense a foreboding that Anthony Prescott is going to bomb the theatre when "God's Not Dead" is shown in the movie theatre.
Compelling writing.
reply by the author on 24-Feb-2023
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A fantastic piece of writing. Having not read your previous chapters I have a lot of catching up to do.
I do sense a foreboding that Anthony Prescott is going to bomb the theatre when "God's Not Dead" is shown in the movie theatre.
Compelling writing.
Comment Written 23-Feb-2023
reply by the author on 24-Feb-2023
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Thank you for your very nice review.
Comment from prettybluebirds
Your story is interesting and nicely written. The dialogue is handled well and carries the story forward nicely. I enjoyed reading this chapter and look forward to the next one.
reply by the author on 24-Feb-2023
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Your story is interesting and nicely written. The dialogue is handled well and carries the story forward nicely. I enjoyed reading this chapter and look forward to the next one.
Comment Written 23-Feb-2023
reply by the author on 24-Feb-2023
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Thank you for your very kind words.
Comment from royowen
It looks like the have a Bible study group but no actual leader, the truth of the matter is that Chloe qualifies in this area, actually the one that's the most stable in all their ways is the obvious choice, beautifully written my friend, love the story, different fro your others. Beautifully written, blessings Roy
reply by the author on 23-Feb-2023
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It looks like the have a Bible study group but no actual leader, the truth of the matter is that Chloe qualifies in this area, actually the one that's the most stable in all their ways is the obvious choice, beautifully written my friend, love the story, different fro your others. Beautifully written, blessings Roy
Comment Written 23-Feb-2023
reply by the author on 23-Feb-2023
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Thank you for your very nice review.
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My pleasure
Comment from Ric Myworld
I'm guessing that getting the whole club together for any event would probably be more difficult than you'd ever imagine, about like with any other teenagers. LOL. Thanks for sharing.
reply by the author on 23-Feb-2023
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I'm guessing that getting the whole club together for any event would probably be more difficult than you'd ever imagine, about like with any other teenagers. LOL. Thanks for sharing.
Comment Written 23-Feb-2023
reply by the author on 23-Feb-2023
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I'm sure.
Thanks for the review.
